I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

For this year, the 20th anniversary of her Christmas anthem, All I Want For Christmas Is You, Mariah Carey was set to perform the tune on NBC’s Christmas show where they light up that big ass dead tree at Rockefeller Center. But Mimi was so over-stuffed with drama — and overstuffed in that red sequined gown — that the folks at NBC were not having it.

On the night of the taping, Mariah, the Mutha of All Divas — take note Ariana — kept her fans waiting in the freezing rain at Rockefeller Center for over three hours because, she says, she’d been on a conference call with Nick Cannon over their impending divorce and child custody agreement. Uh huh. I think a huge sammich is what kept her home, but, again, that’s just me.

Carey had a 7PM call time to pre-tape the song and was also scheduled to tape a promo at 9PM that would have featured her riding in a horse and carriage on Fifth Avenue, for which NBC had a permit to close traffic lanes. By the time she showed up at 10:30PM, NBC was so incensed that they told her to go home, mainly because what’s left of her fans, who’d been given free tickets to support the 20th anniversary of AIWFCIY, had already left and the crew had packed up all their equipment.

Carey tweeted on Wednesday, “Last night’s situation was beyond my control. I apologize to all that showed up, you know that I would never want to disappoint you.”

Uh huh. So Carey was forced to perform live on Wednesday and if you’d seen the video, well, you’d know she was awful; she was Whitney Houston On Her Last Tour awful; sour notes, flat notes, and no notes at all.

Do I think Mariah Carey had a scheduled phone meeting with Nick and his lawyers at the very moment she was supposed to be pre-recording a performance for TV? No, I do not. Mimi is coming apart at the seams faster than Mimi in a too-tight evening gown.

Girl needs to settle.

I really can’t with Tori Spelling. I mean, she was married, went away to film some piece of Lifetime crap with the also married Dean McDermott, and then banged him. He left his wife, she left her husband, they began spitting out babies and allowing all of it to be filmed for “reality” TV.

Then, big surprise, Dean cheated on Tori. Huh? A cheater cheated? Show of hands, or hand, of the one person besides Tori who didn’t see that coming. Right.

Now, the media whore that is Whori Tori has released her family’s 2014 holiday card — possibly because a paycheck was involved — and has been trying to sell it everywhere, saying:

“We’re back together as a family and we’re working on building that family dynamic back and making it stronger than it was before, so it was important to me that we mark this because it’s a milestone year for us.”

Then she appears on her “reality” show and trashes her husband, but that’s another paycheck.

Now, in order to create a new storyline, Tori is thinking of having her breasts augmented, again, and mulling over a facelift and fillers. Why? Because she feels bad about Dean cheating on her and nothing says I feel better like new titties and a high, tight face filled with plastic and injectibles.

And, I imagine, it will all be done for free, because of the publicity she’ll give the doctor on her TV show, and then she’ll get a paycheck for showing the procedure on television.

Once a whore …

Quick Bite: Rumor has it that Ariana Grande Latte’s newest diva demand is that, when she’s too tired to walk all by her wee self, she must be carried like a toddler.

 “Her new rule is that she has to be carried — literally carried like a baby — when she doesn’t feel like walking. She says that she doesn’t want her precious feet to hit the floor,” says a source—possibly Mimi, eating a sammich on the set—who witnessed the 21-year-old get a lift from her staff while filming her latest music video and again at rehearsals for the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.

Maybe someone should just put Ariana in a handbag and carry her around like a Pocket Dog.

When Real Housewives of New Jersey’s Teresa and Joe Giudice were sentenced to prison after pleading guilty to numerous counts of federal fraud, the judge cited multiple inconsistencies between their 2009 bankruptcy filing and the assets they listed in court documents ... like not declaring cars, ATVs, jewelry, purses and designer goods.

Teresa, who was always on TV pulling a wad of bills out of her purse to pay thousands of dollars for the stuff, claimed, in court, that her jewelry was all costume and worthless, while Joe claimed that he was listing the current resale value of purchased goods and that their value had decreased since the 2009 fraudulent bankruptcy. Scam artists will do that, you know.

Teresa's excuse, though, is that she never read anything Joe gave her to sign — possibly because she doesn’t know how to read, and just signed the papers with a paw print — and that she never understood that her plea deal could involve jail time.

She.Didn’t.Know.A.Plea.Deal.Meant.Jail.Time? Of course not, because she’s as dumb as a box of rocks, except now she's suing her bankruptcy attorney for $5 million saying he botched the filing which resulted in her having to go to prison. You know, not because she’s a criminal or anything. And she’s still claiming that age-old, I didn’t know what I was signing argument, which, as we saw, didn’t work with the judge in her first case and hopefully won’t work with the judge in this lawsuit.

She’s a criminal, her husband’s a criminal and they got caught and she wants to play the Stupid Card? Well, we know she’s stupid, but she was just stupid enough to commit all sorts of fraud because it made her life look good for TV.

Teresa has to blame someone and she can’t hook this on Caroline or Jacqueline so …

Quick Bite: Lindsay Lohan has launched a unisex clothing line called My Addiction. Are the clothes made entirely of booze and pills and tween boys? 

Just sayin’.

Now, let’s check in again with those Fighting Exes Gabriel Aubry and Halle Berry.

Last month, Halle lab tested some hair she yanked out of her daughter, Nahla’s, hairbrush and dragged Gabriel into court to accuse him of dying and chemically straightening the girl's hair. Gabriel denied it, as well as denying allegations that he was trying to make Nahla “more white” — another one of Halle’s accusations; he says Nahla's straightened hair is the result of her asking him to blow dry it for her, and not because he wants to change her appearance because he worries she’ll start looking as crazy as Halle.

Of course, you just know that Halle will once again drag Gabriel to court and charge him with Dryer Damaging Nahla’s Hair and seek to reduce his child support because of it.

Meanwhile, Nahla has a calendar on the all, counting down the days until she’s eighteen and finally be rid of these tow morons.

Drake isn’t having the best week. First, his frenemy Chris Brown claims Drake hooked up with Brown’s on-again-off-again-on-again-off-again-whatever girlfriend, Karrueche Tran, which is the reason Brown dumped her, though he has since re-hooked up with Tran so … whatever. But now Drake and P. Diddy, er Puff Daddy, er, Puffy, er, Sean John, er, Sean Combs, er, whoever he is today, got into a fistfight in Miami over the weekend.

They were celebrating DJ Khaled’s birthday and got into it after Drake ALLEGEDLY said something “nasty” to Diddy’s girlfriend, Diddy attacked Drake, sending him to the hospital with a dislocated shoulder.

Now, DJ Sam Sneak tweeted that Diddy and Drake were not fighting over a girl, but were arguing over the rights to a song, with Diddy claiming claimed that Drake was using music without the proper rights.

A girl or a song, these are two grown assed men acting like some Real Housewives wannabes, snatching at each other’s hair in a nightclub. Drake should stick to banging Brown’s girls because I think he could take Brown in a fight, and 45-year-old … forty-five-year-old … Diddy should just go home; his fifteen minutes were up when JLo dumped him.

Okay, someone will pay for this, and that someone is Scott Rudin.

Now pay attention, because it gets complicated: they’re making another Steve Jobs bio-pic because that Ashton Kutcher one was so successful. The script was written by A-list Aaron Sorkin and to be directed by A-list David Fincher, though now Danny Boyle is attached as director. Sony had the property for a while, but it ended up going over to Universal a few months ago. It was supposed to be a big, prestigious award-bait film for Sony, with mega-producer Scott Rudin attached to produce and now he's pissed he didn't get it.

Okay, up to speed? Well, while the film was at Sony, the studio's online database was hacked and emails between Rudin and Sony co-chairperson Amy Pascal were released and most of it is Rudin bitching out Pascal because she won’t free up director David Fincher for the Jobs film.

Fincher was thinking of directing Angelina Jolie in Cleopatra, and Angie hoped the Cleo script would be ready soon because she wanted Fincher to direct. Well, Pascal was using that as an excuse to NOT hire Fincher for the Jobs film. And so that got Rudin's knickers twisted and so he shot off an email — note the all-caps shouting: 

“YOU BETTER SHUT ANGIE DOWN BEFORE SHE MAKES IT VERY HARD FOR DAVID TO DO JOBS. There is no movie to be made (and how that is a bad thing given the insanity and rampaging spoiled ego of this woman and the cost of the movie is beyond me) and if you won’t tell her that you do not like the script…

I’m not destroying my career over a minimally talented spoiled brat who thought nothing of shoving this off her plate for eighteen months so she could go direct a movie. I have no desire to be making a movie with her, or anybody, that she runs and that we don’t. She’s a camp event and a celebrity and that’s all and the last thing anybody needs is to make a giant bomb with her that any fool could see coming. 

I’m also happy to say all of this to Angie directly as I have no need to keep her happy."

Yeah, I bet he’d say that to Angie’s face and I bet she’d take him down like a large clumsy cow.

Rule #! In Hollywood: don’t besmirch Angie.

Last I heard Scot Rudin was attached to a barista job at Starbucks in the Sherman Oaks Galleria.

Okay we started with Mariah Carey Diva, and so we’ll end with someone who makes Mimi look like a nun, and that someone is Korean Air executive Heather Cho. Yeah, I’ve never heard of her either, but that didn’t stop her from going all Joan-Crawford-Mariah-Carey recently, and it goes like this …

Heather Cho, VP of Korean Air and daughter of the airline’s chairman, was forced to resign as head of in-flight service when a flight was held up because of her arrogant antics.

Before that Korean Air flight from JFK to Incheon, Korea took off last week, Heather Cho was sitting in the first class section when a flight attendant served her macadamia nuts … in a bag … and Cho went apeshit, acting like she’d been asked to take a seat in the cargo hold.

Heather Cho instantly fired that flight attendant and demanded that the cabin crew chief be brought to her, possibly in chains, I don’t know. But Cho asked the cabin crew chief if the flight attendant had ever read the in-flight service manual, because if they did they would know that macadamia nuts should be served in.a.dish, not in.a.bag. Cho then instructed the cabin crew chief to grab the manual and read the nut-handling guidelines to her.

Now, to be fair, I do have my own nut-handling guide, but I think it’s a different kind of nut … just saying.

But the cabin crew chief couldn’t find the in-flight service manual, and Cho then kicked him off the plane, after forcing the captain to take the plane back to the gate.

After Cho went nuts over nuts, she resigned from her position as executive of in-flight service, though she’s still VP of the company because Daddy is the boss. Cho also released her own stamen, saying she was just hurt because, she says, she’d been on a conference call with Nick Cannon over their impending divorce and child custody agreement … oh wait that was that other diva; Cho said:

“I am sorry to our customers and the Korean people that I unintentionally caused social uproar and I ask forgiveness from anyone who has been hurt by me. I take responsibility for the incident.”

Social uproar because the nuts were in a bag? Bitch please. And now South Korea’s Transport Ministry has launched an investigation into whether or not Heather Cho violated the Aviation Safety Law which states that passengers should not cause disturbances of any kind. If they discover that she did violate the Aviation Safety Law, she could face up to 10 years in prison … where she will no doubt find her nuts in a bag.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

What a Happy Kardastrophe Thanksgiving. That Woman was there with her side-piece; Khloe came with that rapper who's cheating on her; Kourtney and her husband, Drunky McDrunkness arrived, as did the Model and the One Who Wants To Be A Model But Will Never Make it. Even the Kash Kow came, with baby NorthSouthEastWest.

The only person who didn't show was Kanye, who was in Paris for the holiday and dined at Ralph Lauren’s restaurant with “two male friends” on Thursday.

That's all.

Earlier this year, Shia LaBeouf, AKA Crazy McDrunkness — no relation to that Drunky McDrunkness above except for their love for the brown juice — was part of an LA art piece called #IAMSORRY during which he sat in a room by himself with a paper bag over his head and props from his career ... a whip, a Transformer, a note from his agent, resigning the position ... on a table in front of him. And one by one, people came into the room and sat across from him, talking to him or saying nothing to him, or using his "props" in whatever way they chose. 

Did you say whip? Hmmm.

Now Shia is saying that a woman came with her boyfriend, who stayed outside the door when this happened, whipped his legs for ten minutes and then stripped off his clothes and raped him. Then she walked out, passing the hundreds, okay, tens, of people waiting to get inside like nothing happened.

Seriously, he allowed some random to rape him and stayed silent because, art?

Maybe not; Shia’s collaborators Luke Turner and Nastja Säde Rönkkö have backed up Shia's tale, though they also say they stopped the rape before it ever happened. Nastja said on Twitter that people weren’t told they could do whatever they wanted to Shia and also said that she and Turner stopped the ALLEGED rape:

“A couple of important clarifications about our #IAMSORRY project earlier this year: Nowhere did we state that people could do whatever they wanted to Shia during #IAMSORRY. As soon as we were aware of the incident starting to occur, we put a stop to it and ensured that the woman left.”

So, Shia wasn't raped, as he says, though a woman apparently did try to get a little somethingsomething off'a him.

I may not know art, but I know what I like, and I know a steaming pile of BS, AKA Shia LaBeouf, when I see it.

That Smokey and the Bandit money just doesn't last, y'all, because Burt Reynolds is brokity-broke-broke-broke.

According to several sources — mostly people to whom he owes buckets of cash — Burt is in a bad way when it comes to money. He hasn’t made a mortgage payment on his Florida home in four years and now owes more than $1.4 million; he tried to sell it back in 2011 for $9 million, and then dropped the price to $2.9 million, but nobody wants it, except for the bank.

But Burt doesn’t have $1.4 million, so he’s been forced to auction off more than 600 pieces of movie memorabilia and stuff from his house at the Palms Casino Resort in Las Vegas. Included in the sale is Burt’s red jacket from Smokey and the Bandit, a gold pocket watch — a gift from Sally Field, a pair of boxing gloves signed by Muhammad Ali, a pair of cowboy boots that he wore in Striptease, of his People’s Choice Awards, and his Golden Globe for Boogie Nights. Not for sale, though, is the bear skin rug upon which he reclined when he was hot and relevant and a movie star.

Sad, though, that he reduced the price of his home by some 60% and he still couldn’t get a bite? Why didn’t his ex-wife, Loni Anderson, whom he dumped a la Tom Cruise before anyone had ever heard of Tom Cruise, buy it out from under him for the Everything Must Go sales prices?

That would’a been the ultimate revenge, using his alimony money to buy his house from him.

Big Sean must love the drama. He was engaged to Naya Rivera for a hot minute, before she accused him of cheating, broke it off, and married some random dude a month later, and now he's hitched his wagon to one Ariana Grande Latte, teen brat and unadulterated diva.

And, well, Big Sean may be rethinking hooking up with Mimi2.0 because she has a penchant for talking in baby talk ... all the time.

See, according to Star magazine ... hey, they could be reliable, you don't know! ... Ariana is driving Big Sean cray cray with her constant need to talk in a baby voice:

“Instead of saying, ‘I’m thirsty,’ she’ll pout her lips and say, ‘I want to dwink a widdle joosh.’”

At first, Big Sean found it cute because she wasn’t accusing him of stealing her watch and cheating on her--Hey Naya!--but now he's over it, especially since he has to stop mid-concert and change Ariana's diaper because "I made a messy wessy."

Seriously? Seriously.

Rosie’s joining The View!! Rosie’s leaving The View!! Rosie’s coming back to The View!! Rosie’s leaving The View again!!

It seems as though Rosie O’Donnell’s grand return to The View is going as well as all of us thought it would. Now, I like Rosie, but I imagine she has an ego the size of The View studio and is a bug in the ass of everyone there.

But now folks are saying Rosie’s pissed because she wanted to be the HBIC and the producers — one being Grandma Barbara Walters — said, “Look Ro, Whoop’s in charge, but you can sit opposite her and pretend like you’re running things, m’kay?”

And she does that, when cameras are rolling; when they aren’t Ro apparently sits in her seat, refusing to speak to her co-hosts and will only talk to audience members.

The powers-that-be doubt she’ll be back next season, though they aren’t saying that officially just yet, and have tried talking her into staying, but Ro wants to be the Ho and if she ain’t  the Ho she Goes.

Here’s my take: even with Bas gone, even with Sherri “The Earth Is Flat” Shepard gone, the numbers are down, so maybe this little story is being leaked by ABC to spike some interest in the show.

That’s all. But if ABC wants to take things up a notch, tell Rosie she can be the moderator and then invite a bunch of anti-gay Republicans on; her head will explode in time for Sweeps.

So, serial-famewhore, serial-twerker, serial-tongue-exploiter, and Queen of White Trash everywhere, Miley Cyrus has begun dating Arnold and Maria’s — as in Schwarzenegger and Shriver — son Patrick, and Mama Maria ain’t none to happy about. Daddy Arnold is probably thrilled, hoping Cyrus will Twerk his junk after Christmas dinner.

But it’s Maria who is most concerned what Miley’s weed-and-dildo reputation will do for her baby boy, and a source close to the family — it’s Maria herself talking to her old friends at NBC — says:

“It is beyond true that Maria Shriver disapproves of the relationship that Patrick is starting with Miley. She is so controlling when it comes to the image of the family and this is eating her up inside. … She fully believes that you become who you surround yourself with and she’s always been so happy with the friends Patrick chooses. The birthday party with all the penis pictures disgusted her. Maria is very, very worried about the influence Miley’s having on Patrick.”

Okay, Miley’s a hot mess,on that we can agree, but she’s a savvy media player and she knows that by hanging onto Patrick and being all redneckish on him, she will get some precious airtime because, seriously, when does she get airtime unless she’s acting the fool? And when she finds someone else to hang out with who might be a bigger draw to her dwindling fame, she‘ll drop Patrick harder than she drops her panties onstage.

Bet on it.

Back to Kanye ...

It appears KrayKray West delayed a flight from Paris to Helsinki last week because, well, he's Kanye and no one else matters.

The whole flight was waiting on one of those buses that ferries passengers from the terminal to the plane. And Kanye and his assistant took their sweet time getting on that bus; well, the assistant  ran to the bus with Kray's travel documents and care instructions ... written by Kim in KrayKrayon ... while Kanye walked casually behind him.

Once Kray boarded, he took his seat in first class and as the coach passengers, kept waiting until West was seated, boarded, European couple asked for a photo but Mr. Kim Kardastrophe refused, though he initially said 'Yes.'

After the exchange, West focused on his laptop, which displayed nearly nude photographs of a woman with long, dark hair who may or may not have been his wife ... or another reality TV star hoping to hook her wagon to Krazy McKrayKray.

Taylor Swift is the Queen of the Universe and I blame Kanye. See, if at the VMAs a couple of years back, he didn’t “let you finish” after grabbing the mic to kiss Beyoncé’s ass, maybe we wouldn’t be suffering the Life of TayTay now. Well, at least one Jessica Hart, a Victoria’s Secret model, wouldn’t be suffering at the hands of Swifty.

See, Taylor Swift was set to perform again this year at the Victoria’s Secret fashion show in London because nothing says lingerie like a stick-thing-pop-country-singing-blow-up-doll — try not to think of TayTay’s ta-tas, I dare you — but Swifty had one requirement: no Jessica Hart … EVER!!!

See, last year Swifty sang at the bra-and-panties show, and afterwards Jessica Hart said she liked Taylor Swift but she didn’t really think she was a good fit at the Crotchless Underwear Catwalk, and, well, when Swifty heard that she went all Ariana Grande Latte and said she would not be signing this year if Jessica hart was modeling.

So, Hart was cut from the show, proving that a spoiled little former country queen, turned pop diva, runs the world. I’m looking to book a Space Shuttle to Mars, howsabout you?

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Ariana Grande Latte is still, ALLEGEDLY, acting like a spoiled child diva, y’all. Now, to be fair, she’s been trying to work on that, but … cue music …  ♫ ♪ when you’re a brat you’re a brat all the way from your first living breath to your last dying day ♪ ♫ ... shoutout to Sondheim.

But, to hear Ariana tell it, she’s just a nice girl from Boca and everyone else is just lying about her except … well, while she recently took to Twitter to insist that her diva reputation isn’t accurate, the story broke that, while at the BBC Radio 1’s Teen Awards last month, Ariana demanded that an assistant feed her water when she was thirsty, rather than simply carry a bottle herself.

A witness — and it was probably Mariah trying to sneak in a few voice lessons — says, “She had an assistant follow her around with a bottle of water and a straw and as soon as she was feeling a bit parched, she was scream ‘WATER!’ and the girl would scurry over.”

But then baby got angry because the water was too warm, and so after screaming for it, she spit it out.

As I’ve said before, she’s been called Mariah Junior, but she’s trying to outdo the diva, dahlings.

So, we talked a while ago about Halle Berry wanting to lower her child support payments from $16,000 a month to $3,800 a month to Baby Daddy # 1, Gabriel Aubrey because she says he’s living off her money and refuses to work. Halle argued that $3,800 is enough to take care of their daughter Nahla’s expenses and Gabriel can get a job himself to help pay some of the expenses.

Now, Gabriel’s lawyer has a response and, well, it’s a smack at Halle and her husband, AKA Baby Daddy # 2, Olivier Martinez. You may remember that about 2 years ago, Halle, Olivier and Gabriel got into a spat at Halle’s house and Olivier punched Gabriel in the face. And now, Gabriel says, his modeling career has been ruined by the fisticuffs.

But, Gabriel looks as good now as he did then so …. Halle’s lawyer snapped back, posting a list of expenses that Gabriel uses Nahla’s child support to pay for, and arguing that Gabriel should be paying these bills himself:

$740 a month for Gabriel’s “Fitness” — because he needs to stay in shape if Fists Of Fury Martinez should strike again.

$940 a month in clothing — he lists Nahla’s clothing expenses separately — $675 a month

$700 a month for Gabriel’s health insurance — again, if Olivier punches him one more time, he’ll need to see a doctor

$1,975 a month in car expenses — he lives in California, so that’s probably just gas

$1,100 a month in furniture and electronics — for the love of the Baby Jeebus? Is he renting furniture from Rent-A-Center?

Now that I see that, I hope the judge smacks Halle and raises the child support to $32,000 a month so Gabriel can get out from under that RAC contract!

So, two months ago, Lindsay Lohan and her younger brother Michael Jr. were slapped with a cease-and-desist letter by their former business partner Fima Potik who discovered, after parting ways with The Lohans, that those thieving siblings had taken his concept for a virtual shopping app called Spotted Friend and launched their own virtual shopping app called Vigme.

Well, the Lohans being Lohans, they thought a cease-and-desist was a compliment so Michael kept the site up and running so now they’re being sued … for $60,000,000.

Sixty million? Lindsay doesn’t have sixty cents to rub together, so Potik filed a lawsuit claiming Lindsay and Junior stole his idea, along with some big name investors like Arianna Huffington, and started a competing business. He also claims they had access to the Spotted Friend software and a beta version of the app and now he wants $60,000,000.

Well is Lindsay gonna get sixty million? Her Speed-the-Plow ticket prices have plummeted to roughly $25 bucks a seat so she’d have to … wait … carry the one … sell 2,400,000 tickets just to pay him off.

But who’s gonna buy the vodka and the white stuff if she’s paying off that bill?

Calling Oprah! Maybe she will do that second craptastic season of Lindsay!

It seems that police officers in California are getting a little sick of Selena Gomez, and not just because she schtups, breaks up with, schtups, breaks up with, and then schtups Little Justin Bieber.

No, apparently Selena has called police three times claiming that someone was in her house and police have promptly responded to discover that no one, no one, was in Selena’s home, or trying to break into Selena’s home, or anywhere near Selena’s home.

In fact, police have apparently told her to lock the mother-effing door instead of calling police every time she comes home to an unlocked house and thinks someone is inside.

Perhaps she should put Justin on a choke chain with a cartoon of eggs outside her home?

Oh Chris Brown, every time I think you can’t score lower on the Douche-o-meter, you prove me wrong.

It seems Little Chrissy got all kinds of pissy when The Real co-host Adrienne Bailonb talked some smack about his on-again-off-again girlfriend Karrueche Tran. Bailon opined that someone like Karrueche stays with someone like Chris — a twit with anger issues and assault charges — because she loves the Brown Fame Train.

Well, Chrissy didn’t like that and because he’s a douche he took aim at Bailon on social media, the new OK Corral. He posted a picture of Bailon to Instagram — which he later deleted, naturally — calling her a “trout mouth ass bitch” and accusing her of opening her legs to married men while she was opening her legs to Rob Kardashian for fame; oddly, though, that’s the same thing she implied about Tran, eh?

Then, inexplicably, he also went after Bailon’s The Real co-host Tamar Braxton, calling her “Muppet face ass” and “the ugly [Braxton] sister.”

But, even after his rant, and even after deleting the pictures, he wasn’t done shooting off his illiterate mouth. He posted a video of himself to Instagram ranting about folks being entitled to their opinions and that “what you drink don’t make me piss.”

Maybe the title of an upcoming single because that makes no sense. And, of course, the “lady” in question, Karrueche Tran weighed in with her own Instagram rant: “Unlike most of you… I could care less about the opinions of others. Drama doesn’t amuse me – so yes @tamarbraxton I do have a voice, just not like yours. However my bf I can’t speak for. We all know he has no chill.”

Yeah, the angry little boy who beats up girls has no chill.

Howsabout some Mariah?

A photographer has filed a lawsuit against Mimi’s record label claiming that Mimi owes him several thousand dollars after she bailed on a photo shoot for her album cover. The photographer is suing for $150,000, which includes his fee, plus the following expenses:

$65,391 for a stylist to squeeze Mimi into a size 6.

$9,600 for a hair stylist to add yards of human hair to Mimi’s scalp

$7,200 for a makeup artist—meaning a spackler and a plasterer.

$2,400 for a manicurist to de-sharpen Mimi’s talon’s after cutting Nick Cannon from her life

In response to the lawsuit, Mimi’s record label claims they never fully agreed on the terms of the contract, and they’ve pretty much told him to piss off.

That’s $85,000 Mimi spends on people paid to make her look like a natural beauty.

Just sayin’.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Ariana Grande is a diva. She actually out-mariahs Mariah, y’all, especially if you say ‘Mariah’ in her presence. And more and more people are talking about her diva attitude, which kinda lends credence to every story that follows.

A source — and it could be Dina Lohan since Lindsay’s broke and selling “I Rolled Whitney Through The Morgue” stories for cash — says, “Having a preferred side is nothing new. Barbra Streisand, Mariah Carey and even Tina Fey have them. The difference is that normally a publicist will come up and politely ask that you shoot X from X side. With Ariana’s team, it is a demand from the beginning … Instead of coming off like an assertive woman who knows what she wants, it makes Ariana seem like a toddler throwing a tantrum and her parents handling the dirty work for her.”

This week, a behind-the-scenes video of Grande’s Marie Claire cover shoot surfaced, showing the pop starlet — who is currently dating Naya Rivera’s leftovers, AKA fiancé Big Sean —walking around the set during which time she is photographed Left Side Only.

When asked to confirm whether Grande prefers to be filmed from her left side only, a Marie Claire publicist says, “Ariana arrived on set wearing jeggings, a black Nadia Tarr tank top, black suede Louis Vuitton pumps, and a beige Prada tote, sporting her signature high ponytail. ‘It’s a natural face-lift,’ she joked.”

Uh huh. No comment would have been easier, and that’s just what Ariana’s people said … nothing.

I guess I called it wrong — I do that … sometimes — but the other night Lindsay Lohan actually made her stage debut in London’s West End revival of Speed-the-Plow. She didn’t call in sick; she wasn’t found passed out in the mini-bar of her hotel; she didn’t steal any jewels during intermission; she wasn’t rushed to hospital suffering exhaustion in the third act.

But the reviews; ah, the reviews. They range from “trainwreck” to “boring” — with “trainwreck” being American for “Lindsay Lohan,” I think.

According to some London papers, both Lindsay and her co-star, Richard Schiff — formerly of The West Wing­ — had serious problems remembering their lines: note to Dick Schiff, do not drink from Lindsay’s water” bottle backstage; note to Lohan: stop reading your lines from the inside of a prop book onstage because it didn’t fool the audience at all!

And, since Lohan was playing the part of a delusional, obsessive compulsive, many in the audience thought she was playing herself and actually laughed out loud during certain parts of the dramatic play. Such as when Lindsay missed her cue; now, to be fair, the audience waited patiently, but when she still said nothing, the tee-hee-ing began, which lead to actual laughter when Schiff’s character said to Lohan’s character, “You have done a fantastic job!”

Later, when Lohan’s Karen said, I know what it is to be bad, I’ve been bad,” the audience guffawed.

Guffawed! Ow.

After her Butter Palace melted last year when the world learned of her racist comments and racist policies at her restaurants, people began dropping Paula Deen like a bad racist habit. And so, with her wallet on the line, she began a media assault rivaled only by the storming of the beaches of Normandy in the Second World War.

She was everywhere, tears streaming down her face, the I’m sorry’s drizzling like molasses from her lips. She was wrong, she was misunderstood, it was a different time … you know, when racism was good and The Colored Folk knew their place; Paula’s utopia. And then she was gone and life was good and low-calorie again.

Only now Deen’s comes roaring back to sit with Matt Lauer on The today Show again and talk again and apologize again. Lauer started off by reminding us how many companies dropped Paula after she admitted to tossing the N-word around like she was dressing an endive salad, but he failed to talk about how Paula wanted the black employees at her restaurants to dress up like Mammies and Pappies in their cute little jackets and how they should jump through hoops and call her Miss Paula and kiss her feet when she deigned to acknowledge them,.

Then it was Paula’s turn to talk; she said she shouldn’t have been on Today last year, that she should’ve been at home under a doctor’s care — apparently there’s a medical reason for being a giant racist f%k — and then she started pimping out her latest project, an online recipe subscription page … for whites only … okay, maybe she didn’t say whites only, but it was implied, I’m sure.

Matt asked Paula what she’s learned about herself and the tears came, and the sad eyes came, and the drawl came out stronger than ever:

“I’ve learned so much over the year, it’s going to require another book. We are working on a documentary that’s going to air on [my] network because I feel like everybody needs to know the whole entire story.”

Ka-ching! I’m going to make a profit off my racism because those asshats that think I’ve been treated badly will pay to hear me whine some more … and whine some more she did:

“It’s the power of words, I don’t care how old they are, words are so powerful. They can hurt, they can make people happy. Well, my words hurt people. They disappointed people, frankly I disappointed myself. For that, I’m so sorry for the hurt, I caused people because it went deep. People lost their jobs, it went deep into corporate America. I’m here to make people happy, not to bring sadness.”

That’s southern for: “I’m sorry for all the money I lost.”

Bless her heart. That’s Southern for: “Shut up you ignorant bitch.”

Kim Kardashian got naked in front of some cameras. Again.

Apparently, someone hacked Kim’s iCloud — or, what I think happened, That Woman emailed the pictures for a pre-fixed amount — and found some nekkid pictures of The Kardastrophe that have now found their way into the public domain.

Show of hands … who’s surprised? Who’s surprised that a woman who made her name on being the star of a homemade porn tape that her own mother shopped around to garner some attention, would have nekkid pictures of herself stolen? Anyone?

That’s what I thought.

Now, on the other hand, actress Gabrielle Union also had some of her nude photos hacked and then leaked to the media, too.

I’m ambivalent about all of this and here’s why, Gabby: I’ve never taken a nude selfie because I know, yes, I know, that if you have those kinds of pictures on any kind of electronic device, they can be stolen. Now, I also know that no one wants to see my nude selfie because I’m not some famous person … like you, a basketball player’s wife.

But here’s what I also find odd; it’s been a few weeks since the first round of Nudie Hacking started and so why didn’t any of these new women think, Uh oh, I’ve got some nekkids out there I better delete ‘em and get my phone into a Silkwood scrubdown.

Well, because it’s publicity; the kind you can act all shocked about; the kind you can pretend you don’t want — like when all the starlets and hookers, from Britney to Paris to Lindsay were flashing they’re vaginas while getting out of cars — even though you took the pictures, and saved the pictures, and possibly even sent the pictures through the internet ether to whomever you thought wanted to see your ladybits.

You don’t want your nude selfies hacked and leaked then DON’T TAKE NUDE SELFIES.

Problem solved … and you’re welcome.

My ears! My ears!

I’m just practicing, but y’all better get ready, too, because Kylie Jenner has finally realized that she’ll never be a Big-Assed Porn Star married to a Big Headed Maniac, and she won’t be a Rail Thin Model, so she’s going into Ali Lohan Mode: she’s gonna sing, y’all!

A source—and you know it’s That Woman—says, “Kylie has found her calling in life — to be a singer! She is in training right now with vocal coach and producer, Tim Carter.”

Carter produced Willow Smith’s one-hit-wonder “Whip My Hair” and has worked with Kanye’s former BFFs Jay Z and Beyoncé, and nothing is too good for That Woman’s paycheck, er, daughter.  In fact, That Woman says, “Kylie is now working on her first single! She is telling everyone that she knows she is going to be the next Katy Perry.”

There isn’t enough money in the world to make that happen, but what I do see happening is a Kylie Jenner-Ali Lohan duet called “We’re Not Our Sisters But Our Mother’s Still Whore Us Out.”

I might buy that.

Gwyneth Paltrow keeps acting like she’s fine after consciously uncoupling with her husband and after schtupping Brad Falchuk, the married, but now headed for divorce, big-shot from Glee, but is she really okay now that Chris is dating the much younger, far more talented, far more fun loving, Oscar winner and triple nominee, Jennifer Lawrence?

The simple answer is No.

They might be “consciously uncoupled” but Paltrow still making sure she has a place in Chris Martin’s life … well, not in his life, but in his weekly schedule.

In fact, while she publicly says she’s happy he’s dating JLaw — and you know she’s not because JLaw is JLaw and Paltrow is a Martha Stewart-wannabe-not-gonna-happen — she’s created a set schedule for Chris on when, and how long, and possibly with whom, he can see his children.

A source — and it could be Martha still on the attack — says, “Gwyneth still has a lot of control over him, which isn’t exactly desirable to prospective girlfriends. The way things are at the moment, no sane person would want to be an accessory to their conscious uncoupling.”

Except for JLaw, who seems unfazed by the whole thing, even becoming a sort of Coldplay groupie and following Chris around the country while Goop sits at home and tried to fill in martin’s calendar with play-dates and Mommy and Me time.

Now, let’s end with more Ariana …

A man has posted a story of the time his young daughter — a former Grande fan but now not so much — met her idol.

One day, in 2011, before she was anything more than a Nickelodeon blip, Ariana tweeted that she would be visiting the Titanic exhibit at the Luxor in Las Vegas. A young girl begged her dad to drive her down to the hotel — they lived nearby — so she could sneak a peek at her idol.

They waited outside, hoping to see Ariana, and she finally made an appearance with her mother and two other people. Ariana, spotting her fan, said, “Hi. Do you want a picture?”

“Yes, please. I’m such a fan of yours. I saw your tweet and hoped I could come down and meet you.”

“Aww, that’s so cool,” replied Ariana, “What’s your name?”

They chatted for a minute or two, and then posed for a photo. Ariana said she thought she looked terrible in the photo — maybe it was a Rightie? — asked for a do-over, hugged her young fan and left.

Flash forward to August, 2014. Ariana is a superstar and MTV is running a contest for fans to meet her at the MTV Music Awards. This same young girl enters the contest by producing some artwork about Ariana and writing a letter about how much she loves the budding superdiva. The girl was interviewed via phone by an MTV rep and a few days later it was announced that she was one of two winners.

She went to Hollywood, stayed in a hotel, and was told to get to the L.A. Forum for a 5PM meeting with Ariana. MTV didn’t provide transportation, so she took a cab and made it to the Forum, but was not allowed inside or even permitted to wait in the parking lot.

At some point she was allowed into the parking lot — where the winners and guests stayed—but kept being pushed back as more “important” people came in; it was now past 7:30PM. Finally, someone from MTV told her that she and the other winner would be interviewed on camera, and were to talk about what it was like meeting Ariana— even though the interview was taped before Grande ever appeared; in addition, they were each told what to say.

After the fake interview, Ariana arrived to do her own interview, away from her fans; afterwards she approached them without so much as a smile, and was surrounded by 8 to 10 assistants who barked instructions to her fans:  “You are not to present Ariana with any type of gift or anything. Give them to security and they will get them to her. You can take a selfie with her, but nothing else.”

Then Mariana, er Ariana, came over. She spent 15 seconds with each winner, took the pre-approved photos and that was it. No talking, no smiling, no thank you. She never bothered to even ask their names. She didn’t inquire as to who the contest winners were, as opposed to their guests, or what they created to win the right to meet her, but the young girl walked up to her and said “Ari, here’s a photo we took together in Vegas at the Titanic…”

Grande glanced at the photo on the girl’s phone and said, “Let’s redo that picture.”

She said nothing else, so the girl retook the photo, and then gave Ariana one of the drawings that won the contest for her; when the girl’s sister began taking pictures of her sister and Grande, Ariana snapped: “Delete those pictures, please."

The sister asked if she could keep the one of her sister showing the drawing, and Ariana turned to her security and ordered, “Make sure she deleted those.” Then she walked away without a word leaving the MTV reps — shocked by what they’d seen — to say, “Sometimes celebrities are like that.”

Some celebrities are bitches, and their fans don’t forget.