I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Jennifer Love Hewitt is one of the most annoying people on the planet, and not just because she asks people to call her Love, though that’s a big part of it.

She’s annoying because she has no discernible talent, other than having ginormous breasts as a teenager on some hit TV show.

She’s annoying because she’s man-crazy, or at least she was until she got knocked up by a random dude she married.

But we’ll go back to before Knocked-Up-Married, to when she was just a stalker who sent Matt Damon a bed.

Yes, she did. And she tells the story like this:

“I was reading an article, and he said this really sad thing about how all his dreams were coming true but he didn’t feel that he had a bed of his own, he was always traveling. I remember being really busy also and thinking, that’s so sad, to have all your dreams come true but not have a solid foundation. So for some reason, I thought an aerobed would help that for him. In my head, I thought, He can travel with it, then it’s always his safe place. I didn’t go over it with anyone, I should’ve been like, “Hey, should I send this to Matt Damon?” and they would’ve been like, “No, you’re crazy, don’t do it!” But I didn’t, so I got the information he was in Paris, filming something, so I sent it to Paris.”

Cray-zay. Naturally, Matt Damon had the bed burned because god knows what filthy things Love had done in it before shipping it halfway around the world to a total stranger.

Cray-zay.

America’s Most decorated Olympian, Michael Phelps, is now on the run to become America’s Most Arrested For DUI Olympian.

Over the weekend, Phelps was arrested on suspicion of DUI in Baltimore for erratic driving and for going 84 MPH in a 45 MPH zone.

The officer who stopped the Olympian said he seemed to be drunk, though, to be fair, Michael Phelps always looks drunk; but there was the stench of booze that also alerted the officer to the crime, and he failed the subsequent series — meaning more than one — of standard field sobriety tests. He was arrested and charged with DUI, excessive speed, and crossing double lane lines.

He was later released and said to be back behind the wheel training for the Jack Daniels Swerve-a-lympics, but for right now he is sorry:

“Earlier this morning, I was arrested and charged with DUI, excessive speeding, and crossing double lane lines. I understand the severity of my actions and take full responsibility. I know these words may not mean much right now but I am deeply sorry to everyone I have let down.”

Oh yeah, this is Phelp’s second DUI so yeah, his words don’t mean much at all.

I admit it, I have been watching The View lately now that Grandma Barbara has been sent to a farm where she can run and play with all the other retired journalists. I watch because, most of the time, I like Whoopi Goldberg and her common sense approach to life, and because Rosie O’Donnell is back and one of the other co-hosts used to work for Rosie’s archenemy George “War For Oil” Bush. I thought that would be a catfight worth watching, but apparently Rosie and the Republican are getting along well, but it’s Rosie and Whoopi who are fighting.

According to sources — and by sources I mean a studio filled with people — Rosie and Whoopi got into a shouting match during a commercial break that ended with Whoopi tossing every filthy word she could think of at O’Donnell.

Rosie was discussing how she feels about spanking your children during the Hot Topics segment and as they ran out of time, the producers told Whoopi to end the discussion and go to a commercial break.

Ruh-roh. Now, Rosie doesn’t wear the earpiece so she didn’t hear the producers call for the Shut Rosie Down and once they went to commercial, Rosie grabbed the mic they use for talking to the audience and started ripping into Whoopi for cutting her off and saying she “hurt her feelings”.

Whoopi set down her joint — I kid, she smokes backstage y’all — and warned Rosie that this was neither the time nor the place, but Rosie continued to go full-Rosie, telling the audience:

“Well I just don’t appreciate you saying that you were going to do something and not doing it. It makes me upset and I just don’t want to have to go through this.”

That’s when Whoopi, who never met an F-bomb she didn’t drop, pick back up and drop again, said:

“Fuck it, I told you to leave it alone and you just don’t want to listen. If you want to go there Rosie, I will dammit. I’m really sick of your shit.”

Cat Fight! Except … the “sick of your shit” comment seemed to shut Rosie down — too bad Hasselbeck didn’t know that — and so The Other Rosie, AKA  Rosie Perez tried to lighten the mood by saying to the audience:

“Oh shit, Twitter is going to be off the hook now. They’re about to get it.“

Afterwards Barbara Walters wrote Rosie Perez a check for $5 million dollars and elevated her status to Co-Host Referee.

I don’t know anyone who likes going to the dentist, but Charlie Sheen must really hate it …

It appears that the former 2.5 Men star, and current star of the aptly named Anger Management, went berserk on a dental technician after she placed a mask on his face for nitrous oxide.  Sheen ALLEGEDLY reacted by be waving his arms and ultimately hitting her, and the dentist is now claiming that Sheen pulled out a knife and tried to attack him.

How? Why?

Oh, Sheen’s bodyguard made the apologies, by saying Charlie was high on rock cocaine at the time, but even after the mea culpa the Los Angeles Police Department is looking into the incident.

Justin Bieber who was banging Selena Gomez when he ALLEGEDLY banged Miranda Kerr — whose ex, Orlando Bloom punched The Biebs in a Spanish nightclub — is now ALLEGEDLY banging Kendall Jenner who is ALLEGEDLY banging the tiny tot so he can introduce her to Chris Brown because that’s her end game.

I need an Excel spreadsheet to keep up with this pool of STDs.

Small Bites … Ben Affleck’s penis makes its film debut in Gone Girl. I heard it’s a small part.

Rosie v Hasselbeck with Behar and Goldberg [and me] In The Mix

Back in 2007, when The View was relevant, when the panelists had opinions and weren’t just talking Blond Bobbleheads making funny faces, or sassy Black Women playing the Urkel card, we had heated discussions about the war in Iraq, Republicans and Democrats, and most of those fights were between Rosie O’Donnell, the ultra-liberal loudmouth — and I mean loudmouth in a nice way, really, I do — and ultra-conservative low-wattage dim-bulb Elisabeth Hasselbeck.

But the big fight that broke the camel’s back, and sent Rosie packing, and Elisabeth gloating, was the day that, while discussing the not-so-Mission Accomplished war in Iraq and Rosie said this:

“I just want to say something: 655,000 Iraqi civilians are dead. Who are the terrorists? If you were in Iraq and another country, the United States, the richest in the world, invaded your country, and killed 655,000 of your citizens, what would you call us?”

Valid point, I thought then and think so now. In Iraq, who we all know had nothing to do with 9/11, who were not hiding Osama bin Laden, and who had no WMD but did have oil, the Iraqi people were simply living their lives and suddenly the United States attacked them. In the eyes and minds of Iraqi citizens, the US committed a terrorist act upon their country; that’s what Rosie was saying.

But Hasselbeck, and her brand of America Love it or Leave It conservatism, took it to mean that Rosie O’Donnell was calling our troops terrorists; not so. And one day on the show, the day that would be Rosie’s last, until, ALLEGEDLY, this fall, Rosie asked Elisabeth plainly, “Do you believe that I think our troops are terrorists?”

And, again, Elisabeth tried to spin it; in fact, she probably had her phone in her lap trying to text Hannity to ask him what she should say, and she began talking round and round. Rosie, rightly, became angry, and said it was a simple Yes or No question. Elisabeth couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t answer and after that show Rosie hit the bricks and didn’t come back.

Fast forward to 2014 and suddenly it looks like Rosie O’Donnell will be returning to The View in September, so naturally, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, forced out of the show a couple of years ago no matter how she spun that tale, and now a co-host on, where else, Fox News, decided she would give us her two cents — though it was actually far less — on the issue.

On vacation last week, Hasselbeck called in to Fox and Friends and acted as though Rosie’s return was some sort of personal attack on her. She claims to have known that Rosie’s deal with producers was in the works for months and was pissy about the whole thing; when I say pissy I mean jealous because Rosie’s back on The View and Hasselbeck is stuck on Fox the least-trusted news source of any news channel, and here’s what she had to say:

“I know Rosie very well. We worked quite closely. Talk about not securing the border. Here in comes to ‘The View’ the very woman who spit in the face of our military, spit in the face of her own network and really in the face of a person who stood by her and had civilized debates for the time that she was there.

Coming back with a bunch of control ready to regain a seat at The View table. Not surprising, I believe this has been in the works for a long time.

Go back to the reunion show for Barbara. When you have a woman who again insinuated that our own troops in Iraq were terrorists at the time then left the show, meanwhile still at the end of her contract. To have such ease at Barbara’s goodbye show was shocking to me. She walked around with a lot of control. And then when I had the chance to talk to her, Rosie herself told me on set, while we were miked up, that she produced the reunion show and that it was her idea. Do you think that the woman who left the way she did would be producing Barbara’s goodbye show? Here’s the shocker, it was actually her ‘hello show.’

Anyone who is going to be in that seat, if this is going to play out how I think it is, will have to be fully approved by Rosie. Let’s not forget, Whoopi Goldberg is sitting there. Whoopi is an EGOT [Emmy, Grammy, Oscar and Tony award winner]; Whoopi has more trophies in her case than Rosie. She’s the leader on that show. I’m going to be very interested to see how that goes… I don’t think it would be wise for Rosie to challenge Whoopi on anything.”

Wow. Seven years later and she’s still playing the Rosie Said We’re Terrorists card and then trying to pit Whoopi against Rosie because Whoopi has a lot of awards? Seriously, Hasselbeck, get a grip; if you got to be a co-host on The View based on the number of awards you’d won, you’d still be eating rice on Survivor. Get it queer: you’re not on the show anymore; you wore out your welcome; no one wanted to hear from you and so you slithered off to the place where all unwanted conservatives go when they think their opinion matters, Fox.

You need to take a seat.

And listen to Joy, that other liberal voice on the show, who appeared on CNN last week to talk about Hasselbeck’s busting a gut about Rosie’s return, calling Elisabeth’s comment about Rosie spitting in the face of the military was ”a hate-filled remark” and then adding:

“I thought that was really kind of below the belt—to say that she spits in the face of the military. I’d like Elisabeth to explain herself, really. What does she mean by that? Isn’t it kind of a nasty thing to say about somebody who basically is a good person? I mean, say what you want about Rosie O’Donnell, she’s a very generous person, she has a million kids, she’s always rescuing children — I mean, she has more kids than Mrs. Duggar at this point on her roster. Her son is at The Citadel — what more does Elisabeth want? … To say that she spits in the face of the military, that’s a dangerous thing to say about somebody. First of all, it’s not true. I would like her to prove it.”

Trouble is, Elisabeth won’t prove anything because she’s of that ilk—think Michele Bachmann, Rick Santorum, and the Mama Grizzly Bore™--who think that just because they say something often enough it makes it true; it’s an affliction of nearly everyone at Fox News. Or in the GOP, or in Elisabeth’s case, both.

And, of course, Rosie has a say in the matter, though she’s mostly Tweeting her responses to Hasselbeck’s rant.

She does say that she initiated contact with Hasselbeck at The View’s reunion show the week that Barbara Walter’s retired, Tweeting that “she was hiding in her dressing room — til i walked right in and said hello — her reply LETS TAKE A SELFIE!!”

And then she began responding to Tweets that were sent her way …

So, we’ve heard from Elisabeth, that Crazy Republican Living in the Past and Still Carrying a Grudge, and we heard from a comical voice of reason in Behar, and we got Rosie’s POV via Twitter; but what of Whoopi, the last remaining co-host on the show?

Well, in true Whoopi form, she ain’t playin’. On the show last week, before ABC announced that Rosie was returning, Whoopi had some things to say …

"We don't know who's coming in! I will do my best to respect the audience, to make sure that we bring you The View that Barbara Walters wanted you to have, which is women talking about issues. We are not little kids. We are grown-ass women. … Quit trying to make me into something I'm not! I'm not a little girl with cat claws. I'm not a cat. I'm a human being. I'm a girl with a fist!"

Snap.

I hope with Rosie’s return, and Whoopi onboard, The View returns to its more relevant days, when the topics were politics and presidents, wars for oil and terrorism, and not The View of the Jenny McCarthy-Sherri Shepherd era where the discussions leaned more toward Justin Bieber throwing eggs, or Kanye throwing a tantrum.

Hopefully Rosie and Whoopi, and whomever else is tagged for the remaining two chairs, can discuss important issues, and hopefully Elisabeth — and remember dear, you are off the show, your opinion doesn't matter — will find a sense of peace and come to understand that she is not an important journalist, nor a person with a valid opinion, but rather just another story-spinning,Thanks Obama spewing Blond Talking Head on Fox.