I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

So, Michael Strahan, ex-football player and co-host of Live with Kelly and Michael, and his fiancé of seven years have split up … and not without the drama, you know, because Nicole, formerly married to Eddie Murphy, knows all about divorce, and she announced the split mere hours before Strahan’s induction into the NFL Hall of Fame.

Sources say Nicole wanted to dampen Strahan's weekend because the breakup occurred when Michael wouldn’t marry Nicole without a prenup — she took Eddie for a load of dough in that divorce and maybe Michael was being cautious?

Other sources say Nicole is a woman scorned because she ALLEGEDLY got wind that Michael might be dating another woman in early July and started investigating and when she was convinced it was true she went public with it instantly … the night he was inducted to the Hall of Fame.

Shade.

Nicole insists her timing wasn’t out of revenge, rather a total coincidence because that’s when she knew for sure. It just happened to come precisely when Michael was getting the greatest honor of his career.

Shady.

I’ve heard this story many times before, but this new wrinkle is so high-larious it bears talking about.

Lindsay Lohan has had more than her fair share of drama, including six, or is it seven, court-ordered visits to rehab, many arrests and several days spent in jail, so now she wants to put pen to paper and tell her side of the story because , well, girl needs coins.

Lohan has been holding meetings — apparently on yachts and in night clubs because that’s the only place anyone ever sees her — with publishing houses to discuss her tell-all book, and promised not to hold back on any detail, like dishing about that F**k Buddy List, and her drug use, her alcohol addiction, her need to lie, her criminal past, her rehab stays, her wack-a-doo family, and, oh yeah, her career.

But the high-larious part is that Lindsay knows she cannot actually write a whole book — it’s unclear if she could even read a whole book — and has let it slip that she would like her book ghostwritten by either Fifty Shades of Grey author E.L. James or Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling.

Lindsay Lohan actually thinks either one of these writers would ghostwrite the memoirs of a drug addicted has-been? High-larious, I say, high-larious.

Harry Potter and The Prisoner of LA County Jail?

Fifty Shades of Cray Cray?

This breaks my heart … sarcasm … but Kate Gosselin and her bodyguard/lover/confidante Steve Neild have split up.

Back in 2008, TLC, hired Steve to protect the Gosselin 8, AKA Kate’s paycheck, while filming of the craptastic Jon & Kate Plus 8, but Kate wanted Steve all to herself because, well, famewhore and needy bitch.

And that’s when the rumors that Kate and Steve were doing the nasty started, and when Kate’s marriage fell apart … cheating does that sometimes. After that, Kate and Steve were inseparable, and he spent more time “guarding” her body than watching the children, even his own kids. In fact, as recently as last Spring Kate and Steve shared a hotel room while she filmed Celebrity Apprentice and the kids were … where were the kids? Kate? Kate? Anyone?

And I guess that’s what finally ticked off Steve’s wife — oh, yeah, he’s married — Gina, who, after watching Kate and Steve globetrot and hold hands and act all gooey in public for six years, decided it was time to give him an ultimatum: Kate or her.

And Steve dumped Kate faster than her TV audience when they realized she’s a famewhoring horrible mother.

Karma.Bitch.

So, I still giggle at the idea of Orlando Bloom throwing a punch at Justin Bieber in that Ibiza nightclub, but what brings a smile to my face is the fact that most people, and many celebrities, applauded the Bieber Almost-Smackdown.

A bunch of famous whores, including Leonardo DiCaprio, Diddy and Lindsay Lohan — well, famous and whores — were at Cipriani’s that night when the star of the football team tried to smack down the boy cheerleader, and they all took their places on Team Orly.

A witness tells it like this:

“Justin said something when he came in which was aimed at Orlando, who then jumped onto a sofa to try and get at Justin. When Orlando punched Bieber, everyone started clapping. Lindsay was laughing. It was amazing. The whole table he and DiCaprio were on were clapping. Afterwards, I don’t know if people were congratulating Orlando or trying to calm him down. When security saw that when they got separated, Bieber and Orlando tried to punch each other again, security were like, ‘Bieber came, Bieber provoked this fight’, so they took his hands behind his back and took him away from the restaurant.”

Leo actually clapped after seeing the missed punch — even though rumor has it he also bedded Orlando’s ex-wife Miranda Kerr — and Lindsay Lohan laughed.

Here’s the deal: if Lindsay Lohan thinks you’re a pathetic loser, you’re a pathetic loser. Justin.

And that’s what makes me laugh.

Lord, I love a feud, especially between a dancer and a zaftig Scientologist.

It seems Dancing With The Stars [?] resident dancing machine Maksim Chmerkovskiy threw some mighty shade at his former pal Kirstie Alley on an episode of Watch What Happens Live — where most great feuds star … ask a housewife — during a call-in segment when he was asked if Kirstie ever tried to indoctrinate him into Scientology.

He said No, but then host Andy Cohen asked if he gets along well with Kirstie and Maks said:

“Until recently. She stopped getting along with me. I think the world of her. I’m not judging people by their religion. I’m Jewish, and you know, I don’t really believe in science fiction, but whatever. We had a great relationship. I thought we had a great relationship, and if it was something else or not, I don’t know. But I got a message that now that I’m associating with other people that she can’t be associated with, I am no longer to be spoken with, and sorry, but that is what it is.”

Now, Maks didn’t name names but it was clear he was speaking about former DWTS alum, and former Scientologist, and former Alley friend, Leah Remini, who escaped Scientology and has been the subject of Alley’s scorn and twitter-fight ever since.

But why is Maks suddenly so friendly with Leah and not with Kirstie? Glad you asked.

Well, he is ALLEGEDLY banging JLo like a sledgehammer and JLo is besties with Leah. So, to make JLo happy, and keep that ass within reach, he’s moved on from Kirstie to Leah.

Sounds about right. Lotsa folks would shun their families to bump uglies with JLo; hell, lotsa folks have.

And let’s end with a sweet story about a celebrity …

Chris Pratt, star of the new mega-hit Guardians of the Galaxy recently gave an interview where he spoke about his son with wife Anna Fairs being born premature and how much it scared him that the boy might not live.

So, now Chris is hoping that his GotG Star-Lord character becomes a hero to children because he wants to dress up as Star-Lord to visit sick kids in the hospital. And he's already planned on doing so, in character:

 “I stole the jacket and some of the wardrobe so that, if this movie comes out and does what everyone hopes it can, I can follow the example of someone — say, like, a Russell Wilson [QB for the Seattle Seahawks] – and go visit kids. If it was a big enough movie to where it would mean something to a kid who’s sick in the hospital for Peter Quill or Star-Lord to come visit them, I’ll do that. … Right now, it means high profile, cool jobs coming up, big press tour, and all the excitement of it all. But none of that really means anything. The coolest things would be that my son can one day see this, and that maybe I can go affect some kids in a positive way; be a good role model for them.”

Excuse me; I have something in my eye ….

Sidenote:

If I get sick, could someone have Chris come to my house dressed like this:

I Ain't One To Gossip But

Okay, so last week we heard Lindsay Lohan say she was making her stage debut in London’s West End this fall in David Mamet’s Speed-the-Plow.

Yeah, maybe not. Even though Lohan keeps claiming she was hired to do the play there has been no announcement of her being cast in this, or any other, play, nor has there been an news about a Speed-the-Plow revival, and yet that didn't stop Lohan from posting that picture up there, of her standing at the stage door of a West End theater, to Instagram, with the message:

“At work! First day ... Read through.”

Cracktress is lying, y’all. Lohan is actually standing at Her Majesty’s Theatre stage door, where Phantom of the Opera is running … until April of 2015. So, this is not a theater where Speed-the-Plow will open in November, nor was Lohan there doing a reading, even though she carried the big bag with what looks like a script poking out.

Oh England, once again I apologize that you are being subjected, as we were for years, to the Lohan Crazies, though hopefully you’ll come to your senses soon and she’ll find another country in which she can party and tell her “stories.”

Remember when we learned from Kanye West — the horse’s ass himself — that it took four grueling days for him and soon-to-be-ex-wife Kim Kardastrophe to Photoshop their wedding pictures for Instagram after Annie Leibovitz bailed on shooting his wedding a day before the ceremony?

Trouble is, that’s a lie. Kanye had said Leibovitz backed out at the last minute because she was “scared about the idea of celebrity” even though she’s made a career of shooting celebrities …with a camera, y’all, come on! But now Kanye’s walking back his story lie because, well, Annie called him out on it.

Kanye is now saying he would have loved to have Leibovitz photograph his wedding but that a deal couldn’t be reached, which is oh-so-different from “she backed out at the last minute.” And Kanye’s reason for lying? He was, and I quote, “dreaming out loud. Again.”
 

That’s a poetic way of saying I have the biggest ego in the world and I am a liar.

Mariah Carey is all kinds of crazy and seems to have gone even crazier now that her last album, Me. I Am Mariah, tanked.

See, she wants y'all to believe that the massively Photoshopped cover for her latest single, You Don't Know What To Do, was as much a surprise and shock to her as it was to you: 

“That definitely was NOT my selection for the cover… ugh! / Yes, I would love for you to send me your art for #YDKWTD (’cause at this point IDKWTD! lol)”

Seriously? Mimi expects us to think that she was, what, taking care of “dem babies” — as she calls them — when this new Photoshopped Mariah made its appearance? Was she busy sewing sequined gowns down two sizes before she put them? Or, was she preoccupied with stuffing her over-inflated buzzooms into a training bra and cou8ldn't be bothered to okay this mess?

Stop, Mariah, every single album and single cover of yours from the last ten years has been manipulated to make you look thinner and younger and smoother and, well, more Beyoncé.

The jig is up, girl.

Y’all know that Kate Gosselin is the best mother in the world, right? I mean, sure she whored out her children, and her IVF sextuplets until her marriage fell apart, but she just did that because she’s a mom, you know. And when she pimped out her kids again in a recent TLC special it was only because she’s a stay-at-home mom; she doesn’t want you to think she does this for the cash for hair extensions and Botox and dates with her bodyguard, she does this because she’s a single mom just trying to survive:

“Hear me very clearly: If there was another way to singly support eight children, you would not know this name and I would be on an island, and so would they. You would never hear from us again.”

And yet she has never tried to find another way, has she? Nope; it’s about using her children to make a paycheck. She’s the Original Octo-Mom.

JLo dumped Casper’s cheating ass a few weeks back — though, to salvage her image she claims she dumped him months ago, and will probably soon start saying they never dated at all and she has no idea who he is — and now she’s on to another dancer, Dancing with the Stars'’ Maksim Chmerkovskiy.

And yet, both Jell-O and Maksim are denying the hook-up, even though the pair was seen together after JLo’s “show” at Foxwoods Resort Casino in Connecticut where they were quite cuddly at the after party, and dancing in the club later on.

They’re playing down the affair rumors because, well, JLo learned from Casper. She’ll keep this coupling on the down-low because when Maks cheats with a hooker, or some D-list actress he’s paired up with on DWTS — and that could actually be the same person — she can say they never met, never dated, never schtupped.

Savvy, JLo, savvy.

File this under: This Kills Me.

Joan Rivers has a new book, ‘Diary of a Mad Diva.' coming out and the sh*t is already flying. In the book, as Joan does, she makes fun of a lot of people, mostly celebrities, and one, Best Wooden Actress™ winner, Kristen Stewart is ALLEGEDLY not happy about her role in the book after Joan ALLEGEDLY said this about the Twilight actress:

“Many stars only do one thing well. Of course, the best one-trick-pony is Kristen Stewart, who got a whole career by being able to juggle a director’s balls.”

Apparently Kristen’s attorneys contacted Joan and the publisher and threatened to sue for defamation even though the prologue of the book makes it clear it is nothing but jokes, not facts, even if some of the jokes are based on facts ... like the time Kristen Stewart had an affair with a married director and ruined his marriage.

Oh, color me sad.

After just one year on The View it appears that resident blond bobblehead, Jenny McCarthy — not to be confused with black bobblehead Sherri Shepherd — is apparently on her way out.

A source — and it could be anyone from Star Jones, angling for her seat back at the table, or Elizabeth Hasselbeck, still pissed that she was pushed out — claims that Jenny didn’t appeal to daytime TV viewers because she’s an illiterate twit … or something.

Ratings have dipped since McCarthy came on-board; The View is down by about 5% when compared with last year, but CBS’ View knock-off, The Talk, is up 19% so Babs Walters needed to bump off the old and bring in some new.

Who can fill Crazy’s chair? Courtney Love? Gwyneth Paltrow—though she might spend the entire show hawking her $2,000 GOOP T’s. I suggest a potted plant to take the seat because at least it would make more sense than McCarthy. Then work on getting Sherri outta there, too.

UPDATE: She's out, and Sherri, too. Good. Bye.

Meanwhile, back at Kanye …

Remember when he beat up the paparazzi outside LAX last year? Well, now he’s paying for it, because he was just sentenced to Celebrity Special Treatment Community Service, AKA The Lohan Effect, by LA County Courts.

Kanye took a plea in the case and agreed to attend anger management therapy and complete 250 hours of community service. Now, while Joe, or Jane, Public would be picking up trash along the 405 while wearing an orange jumpsuit, Kanye’s community service requires that he visit LA Trade Technical College, a community college that focuses on fashion design, and talk about fashion to the students.

Celebrities! They’re just like us!

Mila Kunis is pregnant with serial schtupper Ashton Kutcher’s demon spawn and sometimes she’s in a good mood, and sometimes not.

Recently she gave an interview to Marie Claire where she talked all about her pregnancy and was funny and fresh and, well, even for Kunis, interesting. She talked about pregnancy boobs, how her vagina was gonna be wrecked and how she won’t let Ashton watch any of that happening. Then, she gave a phone interview and was all kinds of rude, raging bitch. I mean, who does she think she is, Demi Moore? Demi 2.0?

When the interviewer asked how she was feeling, being pregnant and all, Kunis snapped:

“I don’t talk about that for publication.”

Unless it’s A Vagina Dialogue for Marie Claire?

And she became even ruder, telling the interviewer that his questions were mundane, that she knew what his next question would be because he’s not very good at his job. That he asked questions she’s answered hundreds of times before.

Here’s a hint, Mila. Stop doing interviews if you’re too much of a bitch to be polite.

I loathe Katherine Heigl. She was, ALLEGEDLY, a big star on a hit TV show but then thought she was too good for that and broke her contract to make movies. She made one, maybe two, that were successful and then people realized she has no talent and so, naturally, she's gone back to TV where she’s starring in a new show, State of Affairs, which she described as like Scandal — which I won’t watch because, well, Scandal, is still on and is quite possibly about a thousand times better. Try as she might, Katherine Heigl will never be Kerry Washington, m’kay?

Still, Heigl does have a giant ego, though she prefers to have her mama act the bitch for her. See, she ALLEGEDLY flipped her wig because her name was spelled wrong on her dressing room door and so she called on her mother to scream at someone and get the bad speller fired. Funny thing is, though, it wasn’t just Heigl that was wrong, and the story goes like this …

“It’s Katherine with a K! I’m the star and they can’t even get my name right? Are you f*ing kidding me?!” bellowed Katherine Heigl who came onset and saw the door marked “Catherine Heigle.”

Catherine, er, Katherine phoned her momager Nancy and demanded she find out the culprit and it was discovered that the mistake was made by a new assistant director, who is now looking for a new job. Now, I know it’d be annoying to have your name spelled wrong, but, c’mon, it’s Catherine Heigle; why not just ask that it be corrected. Or maybe the producers will start looking for someone actually named Catherine Heigle who might be a better actress.

Might; that’s funny, because my cat’s a better actress.