I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Lots of Beyoncé today so let’s rip … most folks believe Beyoncé thrives on hatin' the Kardastrophes, though I personally thinks the amount of time that she spends thinking about them is equal to the amount of time she spends thinking about me … okay, maybe she thinks about me more.

But then this happened and, well, I guess if Beyoncé didn’t hate Kim Kardastrophe-West before, she might now. See, KashKowKardastrophe-West took time out from taking photos of her ass and her baby and her ass of a husband to appear on Jimmy Kimmel and throw some butt-sized shade at Beyoncé for not coming to her pre-divorce ceremony:

“The worst was someone canceling last minute.”

And folks are saying the dig was planned, not accidental, like everything in KKK-W’s life. From the stores to the ass to the family to the marriages to the divorces to the babies. Planned. But don’t plan on Beyoncé ever being nice to you; just keep stroking your hair and saying ‘Oh my god’ while your face doesn’t move.

We don’t get a lot of gossip from the news world, unless it’s Shepard Smith acting like an entitled gay douche in a bar; or NBC trying to lay the blame of their crumbling ratings at the size ten heels of Ann Curry. But now we have some newsroom gossip, and once again it’s about NBC and how they handle change, er, firing people.

We’ve been hearing rumblings for a while now that David Gregory was being pushed out of Meet the Press after six years due to, of course, sagging ratings and, well, he’s no Tim Russert — for whom Gregory took over when Russert passed away in 2008.

The new host will be… Chuck Todd … another old white guy in a news chair,        AKA the status quo. But the surprising details about Gregory’s ouster is that he was paid $4 million to leave — as opposed to, say, me, who usually gets a restraining order when being asked to leave a job — and he was forced to  sign a contract not to speak out against the network.

Wow. What might Gregory have said about NBC that caused them to pay off his salary plus a great bit extra and demand that he never ever say a bad word about the network?

Perhaps, like Curry, he might have complained that he was one of the last to know that he was leaving for good. See, NBC leaked the story about Todd coming aboard MTP before even talking with Gregory; like they did Ann Curry.

In fact, NBC is having Andrea Mitchell host this week’s show — which would have been Gregory’s last — denying him a chance to even talk about leaving, bid a fond farewell, pass the baton to Todd or, do what I might do, throw a can of gasoline on the set and burn the mother**ker down.

Let’s dish Lohan … Lindsay is back in London after partying on yachts during her European vacation from not having a job and is set to start rehearsals for Speed-the-Plow next week. So, in advance of what’s sure to be the hottest ticket in the West End for the hottest mess in the West End, Lohan gave one of her cracked-out interviews…

On why she moved to London: “I wasn’t used to for a long time hearing my name on the television every second, whenever I turned on the TV it was promoting the OWN show and it was just a lot and it was kind of overwhelming and everyone knew where I lived. I moved to New York to find peace and I wanted to do something very real and show people who I am and because it’s a reality show it had to be done a certain way, and things had to look a certain way for ratings. That wasn’t my intention of moving to New York. I again got overwhelmed with that and wanted to get away for a minute and I came to London.”

Funny, it wasn’t her intention of moving to New York to do a reality show but it was the exact reason she moved there. And that “to find peace” bit; on a reality show, filmed in New York, where everyone knows where you live? Still cray cray Lohan.

On taking responsibility: “I think a lot of people have a misconception of me due to situations I put myself in, things that have been made up about me or manifested and I got into this to be an actress and you know I like to create, to write, I eventually want to direct. I lost a lot of that credibility and I take responsibility for some of it but it’s also an industry where it’s celebrity based and I have been made out to be something like that and I don’t want to be known for that, that’s not why I did this.”

Um, I’m’a need my Google ‘Looney-Toons to English’ translator for this one. I mean, that wasn’t Lindsay at all the clubs? Lindsay at all the jails? Lindsay in all those courtrooms? Mugshots? That’s all Hollywood’s fault because, you know, they made her a drug addict and a thief and an alcoholic.

It’s the same old Lindsay; she’s an actress, y’all, and that’s all she ever wanted to be until the media got hold of her and turned her into a drug-taking-booze-slurping-car-crashing-bar-fighting-man-whoring moron.

Just sayin’.

So, last week we learned that Gwyneth Paltrow was boning one of the creators of Glee before she actually consciously uncoupled from baby daddy Chris Martin. And now I realize why that story got out … to take some shine away from the news that Mr. Gwyneth Paltrow is now dating Jennifer Lawrence.

Yup, he went from shagging a woman who “won” an Oscar because Harvey Weinstein bought it for her, to a woman who’s been nominated more times than Paltrow has children — and is a decade-and-a-half younger — and actually won an Oscar as Best Actress not Best supporting Actress.

Plus, can you picture Gwyneth’s face when she finds out Chris and JLaw took Peaches and Herb, er, Moses and Apple, to Chuck E. Cheese?

I wanna be there when that explosion happens.

Meanwhile … back at Beyoncé: Remember that video of Beyoncé’s incredibly folding stomach when she was pregnant? And remember how, way before that, one week she was on-stage singing in a taut glitter swimsuit and the next week she was wearing a caftan to the VMA’s and holding her stomach to announce she was pregnant? And remember how people said she was never really pregnant?

Well, a woman named Tina Seals has filed a maternity suit against the Carters claiming that she is the real mother of Blue Ivy.

Here goes … and take this with a grain of crazy … but Tina Seals is seeking “to verify whether she is the biological mother” of Blue Ivy by saying she was “previously associated” in some way with “Beyoncé Knowles and Jay Z Carter.”

It’s pretty rare for a woman to file a maternity lawsuit, but it may just prove that Bey-Jay are just giant liars. But there is another theory: perhaps Seals and Jay Z had an affair, she got pregnant, and then gave the baby up for adoption to the Carters, only now she wants the baby, or a bigger piece of the pie.

Still, while this could be just a hot mess of a lie and some poor crazy woman lost in her delusions, coming amidst all the talk of the JayBey split, this is interesting at least.

And speaking of the JayBey split … Us Weekly has now jumped on that bandwagon because, A] the story is true, or 2] the story sells a butt-load of magazines. 

See, Us is saying Beyoncé is already making moves toward a split, and a source, perhaps a pissed off Kardastrophe, says “she is done” after their remaining On The Run shows in Paris.

And while Beyoncé still posts Happy Family Time photos to Instagram the rumors aren’t dying and maybe she’s beginning to believe the rumors about Jay Z’s cheating that came to a head during The Elevator Smackdown.

Beyoncé is reportedly “insecure” about Jay’s “wandering eye” and has taken to removing from his sight, and hers, anyone who might be his “type”: you know, a woman.

On a side note, one of the side pieces often mentioned in the Jay Z Cheating Scandal is none other than Rihanna and, while watching the Fashion Police last week, during a segment they call “Bitch Stole My look” the competitors were none other than Beyoncé and Rihanna … in the same look. 

The only difference was, Rihanna wore the look last year and Beyoncé, who has a team of spacklers and painters and cinchers on speed dial wore the look this year, and styled it exactly like Rihanna, down to using the exact same jewelry, wore it last month.

Uh huh.

And back to Paltrow … Jerry Seinfeld made a mint off his TV show; so much so that he buys cars and Hampton’s manses like their PayLess shoes during a BoGo sale. But, maybe Seinfeld is running low on funds because his wife, Jessica, seems to have taken a job as Gwyneth Paltrow’s ass-kissing, promotional director.

I mean, how else can we explain why Jessica Seinfeld would post a picture of her BFF Gwyneth Paltrow to Instagram with the following caption?

“I have never met anyone with more true and loyal best friends than this baby girl. She is deeply and intensely loved by her friends. I hope each of you has someone in your life that is a wise and steady North Star like this one is to so many…Why not tag those people in your life who kill it in the friendship department? It’s Show Appreciation Sunday. (I made that up).”

Wow. Jerry and Jessica must really need the money if they’ve taken to being placed on Paltrow’s every-day-millionaire-mom payroll just to Instagram ass-kissing tributes.

Everyone knows Britney Spears doesn’t sing live; hell, she can’t sing, live or otherwise. But this story is especially high-larious because during a recent performance at her Vegas show, BritBrit was caught on camera lip-syncing to a song she recorded with Sia … only she was “singing” Sia’s parts … with Sia’s voice coming out over the sound system.

Um, Brit, if you’re gonna lip-sync, try doing it during the part of the song where you're ALLEGEDLY singing and not during someone else’s part.

M’kay?

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon have been married for six years. We know that because every year they marry one another all over again in some splashy way to remind us all that their marriage is perfect and …

Over? They didn’t marry each other again this year. In fact, they haven’t been seen in public together since February and now comes word that they have been “living separately” after she hired security to keep him away from other women when he was out doing his little comedy act.

Mimi, always posing on social media with her family has been unusually quiet of late; in fact she hasn’t featured Nick on any of her sites since June, when Nick moved in with his grandparents and they put their $13 million California home on the market.

Community property say what?

UPDATE: Yesterday Nick confirmed that he and Mimi are no-no together.

Mischa Barton is desperate for a job, but apparently the only job she’s qualified for is to be Lindsay Lohan.

Last March, Mischa was supposed to start production on a movie called Promoted, and well before the start date, the producers tried to contact her to let her know that shooting was going to begin and to set up a round of costume fittings.

:::crickets:::

Mischa never called back, and the day before shooting was supposed to start, Mischa's momage emailed the producers to tell them that Mischa was ill in Europe and wouldn’t be able to start working on the movie until the end of the month except …

Mischa began posting pictures to Twitter and Instagram of her partying in Europe and not being ill in Europe and now, because the producers unbelievably gave Barton a $20,000 advance and she faked being sick, they’re suing her for the money back along with $200,000 in marketing expenses and another $100,000 they lost when she dropped out.

Wow. She’s trying to Out-Lohan Lohan.

So, Charlie Sheen’s drug-addict ex-wife, the twenty-seven-time rehabber, Brooke Mueller is being sued by her former assistant Lior Masaphor, who worked for her from December 2012 until March, 2013. He claims was paid $2,400 per month, but that he worked over 130 hours a week — which works out to about $4 an hour — and was never given a break — even while she was in rehab, I presume — and is owed a bunch of cash money.

That isn’t the story; the story is the “illegal and unsavory activities” he claims to have performed for Brooke, such as Brooke forcing Lior to act as a drug mule, forcing him to transport illegal drugs for her, forcing him to watch her children so Brooke could get high, and forcing him to watch her have sex with just about anybody and everybody.

This has been another edition of Gay Folks Can’t Have Kids, But Drug Addicts and Whores Can Have All The Children They Want.

Meanwhile … back at Lohan.

On the eve of her first real job in years — whatever happened to that movie she was hired to make at the end of her reality show … poof — Lindsay decided to go out and party … quelle surprise … at 1Oak in Southampton.

The big surprise came when Lindsay tried to pay the $2500 tab and her credit cards were declined.

What? No job? No credit? No problem?

No problem because Lindsay had to beg her fiends to help with the bill, had to lift up cushions in the booths for change, and may have turned a trick or two in the loo to leave a tip.

ALLEGEDLY.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

I don’t know who Tia Mowry is though I know she has a twin and they were on TV once a long time ago, but Tia, I guess in a move to seem relevant, is talking about a recent run-in with an A-list celebrity.

First, that begs the question, how did Tia Mowry get into the same room as an A-lister? Was she serving the dinner? Parking the car? Bussing the table? I digress … Tia Mowry is talking up a storm about a rude encounter with the Oscar-winning actress Charlize Theron:

“She wasn’t very nice to me. I said ‘Hi,’ and she actually rolled her eyes and said, ‘Oh my God.’”

Tia does say that maybe Charlize was having a bad day, but still has the Charlize Sadz about the whole thing:

“I wasn’t over-the-top. I know how to approach another celebrity. Charlize was just mean. I'm just being honest.”

First off: “another” celebrity? Tia, you ain’t in the same league as Charlize so get it real.

Second off: Maybe Charlize was pissed at your sister and couldn’t tell the difference?

Third off: why is this a story?

I’ve learned several things in life:

Don’t party with Lohan because you’ll end up with a black eye or in jail.

Don’t get near Paris Hilton without a HazMat suit.

Don’t say Hi to Charlize Theron.

And, don’t ever come become Aretha Franklin and a hamburger.

After a show at upstate New York’s Artpark Outdoor Amphitheater, the Queen of Soul was hongray and really wanted a burger, so she headed over to the Johnny Rockets in Niagara Falls, Ontario and ordered a take-out sammich.

But then she took it to a table and … sat … down. Now, some restaurants have made it a policy that take-out food cannot be eaten inside the building because there could be others waiting for that table and because some people pull that trick so they don’t have to pay a tip.

But this was Aretha who does what Aretha wants so she plopped down and began eating when it happened: an employee told her to Get On Up. Her representative said a server actually called Aretha out for eating her take out burger at a table, saying the server screamed at Franklin, saying she couldn’t sit down to eat because she ordered takeout.

Franklin, for her part, says the worker was “very rude, unprofessional and nasty.”

A Johnny Rockets spokeswoman says the franchise owner is sorry for the actions of “a new and very young employee” and says the owner has spoken with the employee and has clarified his takeout policies.

No word on whether or not the server made it out alive.

Do.Not.Come.Between.Aretha.And.Her.Burger.

A week or so ago, while performing in concert, Tim McGraw found himself being grabbed by a female fan — Jesslyn Taylor — who latched onto his thigh, wouldn’t let go, and ripped his jeans in the process. McGraw reacted by swatting the woman away, but his hand made contact with her face and now she’s gone and hired a lawyer and is gonna sue Tim McGraw ... unless he gives a check to just go away.

Since the concert was in Atlanta, the local police department has seen video of the smack and has come down on the side of Tim McGraw, saying Taylor was the aggressive one and McGraw was just protecting his Not-So-Tiny-Tim. And McGraw did say this about the grope’n’smack:

“Sometimes things can lose context and perspective. I reacted in an instinctive, defensive way from my perspective of what was going on. I think it was an unfortunate situation I think all the way around. But it happened, it happened in a split second, it was pure instinctive reaction, I think you just got to move on. It is one of those things that happen, nobody feels good about it, but there’s nothing that could be done about it. You are in that position, you are out there, you are vulnerable, things happen and sometimes you react. There’s nothing to be said about it.”

Jesslyn claims that not only was she slapped, but she was also kicked out of the show and is humiliated; she wants an apology big check from Tim, but I think Tim should sue her for physical assault. Maybe then Jesslyn Taylor will keep her hands to herself.

The rumors aren’t dying that Beyoncé and Jay Z are headed for divorce.

Oh sure, the papers say the marriage is over, but then the next day Beyoncé Instragrams a picture of she and Jay Z playing mommy and daddy to little Blue Ivy, because that’s how Beyoncé handles all bad press; remember she scrubbed her Instagram accounts of Solange after ElevatorGate and then brought her back in a bit later to show everyone that all is well in the Carter house.

Image, baby, it’s all about image … and coins. See, Page Six says what the Carters have isn’t marriage but a business arrangement because they realize they are more marketable together than apart, though the "apart" may be coming soon since Jay Z is ALLEGEDLY banging Rihanna.

In fact, they say the elevator fight after the Met Ball was really over Jay Z's protégé Rihanna, whom he ALLEGEDLY planned to meet later that night at his 40/40 club. “Solange was like, ‘Enough is enough — you must be [screwing] Rihanna.’”

Smack. Kick. Kick. Smack.

Still, rumor has it that Beyoncé and Jay-Z will not put their dying marriage out of its misery until they milk every last dime they can out of this union.

Except … Beyoncé may already have one foot out the door because she is ALLEGEDLY shopping for a new crib without Jay Z.

In fact, she just toured a $21.5 million Chelsea penthouse just a few weeks after ElevatorGate though a source — and who knew Dina Lohan was in real estate — says,  “She was very quiet, as if she was looking on the sly.”

Adding some kerosene to the fire is that fact that Beyoncé is not shopping for the both of them because Jay Z has always been the one to make the real estate deals. And he was nowhere to be seen while Beyoncé shopped, and rumor has it that Jay doesn't want to move from their Tribeca pied-à-terre. Plus, the couple’s 8,309-square-foot Tribeca home is twice as big as the 4,045-square-foot penthouse Beyoncé say and you just know Jay Z don’t downsize.

So, is Beyoncé going Katie Holmes on Jay Z’s ass? Remember when Katie left Tom she’d already bought a new apartment before she tied the sheets together and slipped out of the Cruise Compound.

I loathe Jenny McCarthy. A talentless bimbo more well-known for her boobs and who she's schtupped than anything else, but apparently she’s terrible mother, too.

See, the story goes that McCarthy told her 12 year-old son, Evan, that it’s illegal to text and drive and he took her seriously. Evan is autistic and some folks on the autism spectrum take things literally, so when Evan and mommy were driving and mommy took out her phone to text, Evan called the police on her.

And what did wonderful mom Jenny do? Snatched his phone and threw it out the window. And we know it’s true because that dim bulb told the story on her soon-to-be-cancelled radio show, Dirty, Sexy, Funny.

Not funny, Jenny.

I love a good catfight but we rarely get a man-on-man brawl, until now …

Freddie Prinze Jr. was at Comic-Con last week to promote the Disney XD series Star Wars Rebels and took the time to reveal that he hated working on 24 with Kiefer Sutherland because Sutherland was a jerk.

“I did 24, it was terrible. I hated every moment of it. I just wanted to quit the business after that. So, I just sort of stopped. … I went and worked for Vince McMahon at the WWE, for Christ’s sake … but, at least he was cool and tall. I didn’t have to take my shoes off to do scenes with him, which they made me do [at 24]. Just put the guy on an apple box or don’t hire me next time. You know I’m 6 feet and he’s 5’4. … Kiefer was the most unprofessional dude in the world. That’s not me talking trash, I’d say it to his face. I think everyone that’s worked with him has said that.”

Of course, Kiefer isn’t saying a word because he’s probably sitting in a bar somewhere with his pants around his ankles drunk off his ass, but the good folks at 24 have said Freddie’s not being truthful because they love Kiefer.

Uh huh.

First comes the back-story … a few years back when Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr were still together, there was some gossip that Miranda let Justin Bieber bang her. I know … ick. It was around the time that Justin performed at a Victoria’s Secret runway show and people say Miranda did it for laughs and the possibility of an STD or something; of course, she was also ALLEGEDLY banging Leo DiCaprio, too, so maybe she was the Petri dish in that triad.

Then, when Orlando and Miranda finally split the Bieber rumors were cited by some as the reason, saying Orlando was really upset with the idea that his wife was Biebered. So, of course, as small men do, a few months ago Orlando was spotted out and about with Bieber’s on-again-off-again ex Selena Gomez because, well, Hollywood is incestuous like that.

And so naturally, this week when Orly and Biebs were in the same nightclub in Ibiza, a tiff broke out and Orlando threw a punch at the tiny star and Justin fled the restaurant amid cheers of the onlookers.

A source — and since Lohan is in Europe, and this was at a club, well, you do the math — says, “Justin was at one table, and Orlando was at another. But when Bieber and his party were later walking past Bloom’s table, Orlando refused to shake Bieber’s hand. Bieber said something rude to Orlando, like, ‘She was good.’”

Oh.No.She.Di’in’t. Then Orlando and Justin got in each other’s faces and Orlando threw a punch but he either missed or Bieber dodged it, but the crowd cheered. Later on in the night, after the punch that wasn’t or was heard ‘round the world, Justin Bieber, as little boys are apt to do, Instagrammed a picture of Miranda Kerr and then instantly deleted it.

Seriously, it used to be women having the catfights and now it’s the man-boys.

File this under 'You Ain’t Foolin’ Anyone,' but Oscar nominee, Terrence Howard, who’s made 90+ TV shows and films, says he’s too broke to pay his ex-wife, Michelle, spousal support.

Terrence has asked a judge to throw out his divorce settlement with Michelle, saying they were only married a year and he was extorted and blackmailed into signing the settlement. But Michelle ain’t giving up and is demanding the $325,000 in spousal support she says she’s owed.

And so now Terrence says he could never pay her that much money because he only takes home $5,878 a month, and claims the balance of his earnings are earmarked for spousal and child support to another ex-wife, Lori McMasters. In fact, Terrence says he’s actually an employee on Lori’s payroll because his Hollywood cash goes directly to her and then she cuts him his monthly check.

Poor man. Married a few times and owing money all over the place, with never enough to go around; even though he has eight projects coming up.

Methinks Terry’s gonna have to come up with a better story than being broke.

I live in fear of Martha Stewart ever since the day she stole a cab from me and beat me senseless with a ten-pound slab of pancetta on 5th Avenue. You don’t mess with Martha — though I’d bet on her in a death match with Aretha.

Remember when Stewart was asked about Gwyneth Paltrow’s “lifestyle” blog, GOOP, and Martha threw shade, saying she invented the whole lifestyle biz? Well, now she’s reminding us again, because another Hollywood upstart, Blake Lively, has tried to cut into her livelihood.

Blake has let it be known many times that Martha is her idol and she wants to be her. In fact, she went all Single White Female on Martha when she and hubby, and my Hubby-In-My-Head, Ryan Reynolds, bought the house around the corner from Martha and she started visiting every day. Blake was on Martha’s show; Blake gave Martha’s magazine pictures of her wedding; Blake was trying on Martha’s gardening clogs.

But you can’t fool Stewart; at the Atlantic City Food and Wine Festival Martha was asked about Blake’s new lifestyle ‘blog’ Preserve and she said this:

“They’re very friendly, very nice people. In a way, kind of shy — not shy on the screen, at all, if you’ve seen any of Blake’s movies — but very shy in person. But she’s a baker and a homemaker and now she’s starting her own blog … I haven’t seen it yet.”

Snap! Blake’s very shy in person, but not onscreen if you’ve seen her movies? Makes her sound like a porn star! And then she tosses in the I haven’t seen it yet like it’s so inconsequential. But then someone asked Martha how she felt about Blake Lively wanting to be the new Martha:

“Let her try. I don’t mean that facetiously! I mean, it’s stupid, she could be an actress! Why would you want to be me if you could be an actress? I just did a movie yesterday, though — I can’t even tell you about it — but I want to be Blake Lively.”

Dirt! Blake “could be” an actress.

Like I said, don’t mess with Stewart; she always comes at you with a barb or a ten-pound slab of pancetta and both hurt!

WTF? Rihanna

I like Rihanna and her fashion choices, for the most part. Like Cher before her, she never fails to make a statement.

But last weekend, while accepting the Council of Fashion Designers of America’s 2014 Fashion Icon of the Year award, she showed up on the red carpet basically nude.

Oh, sure, there were some crystals involved, but not enough to cover her breasts or her ass. And that's a same because it's a gorgeous dress and had it been lined we might have been talking about the beauty of the garment and not Tits and Ass.

Seriously, RiRi? WTF?