I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

What a Happy Kardastrophe Thanksgiving. That Woman was there with her side-piece; Khloe came with that rapper who's cheating on her; Kourtney and her husband, Drunky McDrunkness arrived, as did the Model and the One Who Wants To Be A Model But Will Never Make it. Even the Kash Kow came, with baby NorthSouthEastWest.

The only person who didn't show was Kanye, who was in Paris for the holiday and dined at Ralph Lauren’s restaurant with “two male friends” on Thursday.

That's all.

Earlier this year, Shia LaBeouf, AKA Crazy McDrunkness — no relation to that Drunky McDrunkness above except for their love for the brown juice — was part of an LA art piece called #IAMSORRY during which he sat in a room by himself with a paper bag over his head and props from his career ... a whip, a Transformer, a note from his agent, resigning the position ... on a table in front of him. And one by one, people came into the room and sat across from him, talking to him or saying nothing to him, or using his "props" in whatever way they chose. 

Did you say whip? Hmmm.

Now Shia is saying that a woman came with her boyfriend, who stayed outside the door when this happened, whipped his legs for ten minutes and then stripped off his clothes and raped him. Then she walked out, passing the hundreds, okay, tens, of people waiting to get inside like nothing happened.

Seriously, he allowed some random to rape him and stayed silent because, art?

Maybe not; Shia’s collaborators Luke Turner and Nastja Säde Rönkkö have backed up Shia's tale, though they also say they stopped the rape before it ever happened. Nastja said on Twitter that people weren’t told they could do whatever they wanted to Shia and also said that she and Turner stopped the ALLEGED rape:

“A couple of important clarifications about our #IAMSORRY project earlier this year: Nowhere did we state that people could do whatever they wanted to Shia during #IAMSORRY. As soon as we were aware of the incident starting to occur, we put a stop to it and ensured that the woman left.”

So, Shia wasn't raped, as he says, though a woman apparently did try to get a little somethingsomething off'a him.

I may not know art, but I know what I like, and I know a steaming pile of BS, AKA Shia LaBeouf, when I see it.

That Smokey and the Bandit money just doesn't last, y'all, because Burt Reynolds is brokity-broke-broke-broke.

According to several sources — mostly people to whom he owes buckets of cash — Burt is in a bad way when it comes to money. He hasn’t made a mortgage payment on his Florida home in four years and now owes more than $1.4 million; he tried to sell it back in 2011 for $9 million, and then dropped the price to $2.9 million, but nobody wants it, except for the bank.

But Burt doesn’t have $1.4 million, so he’s been forced to auction off more than 600 pieces of movie memorabilia and stuff from his house at the Palms Casino Resort in Las Vegas. Included in the sale is Burt’s red jacket from Smokey and the Bandit, a gold pocket watch — a gift from Sally Field, a pair of boxing gloves signed by Muhammad Ali, a pair of cowboy boots that he wore in Striptease, of his People’s Choice Awards, and his Golden Globe for Boogie Nights. Not for sale, though, is the bear skin rug upon which he reclined when he was hot and relevant and a movie star.

Sad, though, that he reduced the price of his home by some 60% and he still couldn’t get a bite? Why didn’t his ex-wife, Loni Anderson, whom he dumped a la Tom Cruise before anyone had ever heard of Tom Cruise, buy it out from under him for the Everything Must Go sales prices?

That would’a been the ultimate revenge, using his alimony money to buy his house from him.

Big Sean must love the drama. He was engaged to Naya Rivera for a hot minute, before she accused him of cheating, broke it off, and married some random dude a month later, and now he's hitched his wagon to one Ariana Grande Latte, teen brat and unadulterated diva.

And, well, Big Sean may be rethinking hooking up with Mimi2.0 because she has a penchant for talking in baby talk ... all the time.

See, according to Star magazine ... hey, they could be reliable, you don't know! ... Ariana is driving Big Sean cray cray with her constant need to talk in a baby voice:

“Instead of saying, ‘I’m thirsty,’ she’ll pout her lips and say, ‘I want to dwink a widdle joosh.’”

At first, Big Sean found it cute because she wasn’t accusing him of stealing her watch and cheating on her--Hey Naya!--but now he's over it, especially since he has to stop mid-concert and change Ariana's diaper because "I made a messy wessy."

Seriously? Seriously.

Rosie’s joining The View!! Rosie’s leaving The View!! Rosie’s coming back to The View!! Rosie’s leaving The View again!!

It seems as though Rosie O’Donnell’s grand return to The View is going as well as all of us thought it would. Now, I like Rosie, but I imagine she has an ego the size of The View studio and is a bug in the ass of everyone there.

But now folks are saying Rosie’s pissed because she wanted to be the HBIC and the producers — one being Grandma Barbara Walters — said, “Look Ro, Whoop’s in charge, but you can sit opposite her and pretend like you’re running things, m’kay?”

And she does that, when cameras are rolling; when they aren’t Ro apparently sits in her seat, refusing to speak to her co-hosts and will only talk to audience members.

The powers-that-be doubt she’ll be back next season, though they aren’t saying that officially just yet, and have tried talking her into staying, but Ro wants to be the Ho and if she ain’t  the Ho she Goes.

Here’s my take: even with Bas gone, even with Sherri “The Earth Is Flat” Shepard gone, the numbers are down, so maybe this little story is being leaked by ABC to spike some interest in the show.

That’s all. But if ABC wants to take things up a notch, tell Rosie she can be the moderator and then invite a bunch of anti-gay Republicans on; her head will explode in time for Sweeps.

So, serial-famewhore, serial-twerker, serial-tongue-exploiter, and Queen of White Trash everywhere, Miley Cyrus has begun dating Arnold and Maria’s — as in Schwarzenegger and Shriver — son Patrick, and Mama Maria ain’t none to happy about. Daddy Arnold is probably thrilled, hoping Cyrus will Twerk his junk after Christmas dinner.

But it’s Maria who is most concerned what Miley’s weed-and-dildo reputation will do for her baby boy, and a source close to the family — it’s Maria herself talking to her old friends at NBC — says:

“It is beyond true that Maria Shriver disapproves of the relationship that Patrick is starting with Miley. She is so controlling when it comes to the image of the family and this is eating her up inside. … She fully believes that you become who you surround yourself with and she’s always been so happy with the friends Patrick chooses. The birthday party with all the penis pictures disgusted her. Maria is very, very worried about the influence Miley’s having on Patrick.”

Okay, Miley’s a hot mess,on that we can agree, but she’s a savvy media player and she knows that by hanging onto Patrick and being all redneckish on him, she will get some precious airtime because, seriously, when does she get airtime unless she’s acting the fool? And when she finds someone else to hang out with who might be a bigger draw to her dwindling fame, she‘ll drop Patrick harder than she drops her panties onstage.

Bet on it.

Back to Kanye ...

It appears KrayKray West delayed a flight from Paris to Helsinki last week because, well, he's Kanye and no one else matters.

The whole flight was waiting on one of those buses that ferries passengers from the terminal to the plane. And Kanye and his assistant took their sweet time getting on that bus; well, the assistant  ran to the bus with Kray's travel documents and care instructions ... written by Kim in KrayKrayon ... while Kanye walked casually behind him.

Once Kray boarded, he took his seat in first class and as the coach passengers, kept waiting until West was seated, boarded, European couple asked for a photo but Mr. Kim Kardastrophe refused, though he initially said 'Yes.'

After the exchange, West focused on his laptop, which displayed nearly nude photographs of a woman with long, dark hair who may or may not have been his wife ... or another reality TV star hoping to hook her wagon to Krazy McKrayKray.

Taylor Swift is the Queen of the Universe and I blame Kanye. See, if at the VMAs a couple of years back, he didn’t “let you finish” after grabbing the mic to kiss Beyoncé’s ass, maybe we wouldn’t be suffering the Life of TayTay now. Well, at least one Jessica Hart, a Victoria’s Secret model, wouldn’t be suffering at the hands of Swifty.

See, Taylor Swift was set to perform again this year at the Victoria’s Secret fashion show in London because nothing says lingerie like a stick-thing-pop-country-singing-blow-up-doll — try not to think of TayTay’s ta-tas, I dare you — but Swifty had one requirement: no Jessica Hart … EVER!!!

See, last year Swifty sang at the bra-and-panties show, and afterwards Jessica Hart said she liked Taylor Swift but she didn’t really think she was a good fit at the Crotchless Underwear Catwalk, and, well, when Swifty heard that she went all Ariana Grande Latte and said she would not be signing this year if Jessica hart was modeling.

So, Hart was cut from the show, proving that a spoiled little former country queen, turned pop diva, runs the world. I’m looking to book a Space Shuttle to Mars, howsabout you?

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Gwyneth Paltrow. Y'all know she's like EveryMom, though she has it a lot harder because she makes millions of dollars a year. But I never knew she had a team of people that are needed to keep her normal every day.

A source — and you know it's Lohan, live Tweeting from a pub in London — says: “Gwyneth has an army of people looking after her health.”

Seriously, she has a team that includes an allergist, blood analyst, naturopath and osteopath; there is a stress-relief team that consists of a meditation teacher, a yoga guru, a Qi Gong expert and four different massage therapists for cupping, Rolfing, hot stones and shiatsu; and, while Gwyneth loves to make out like she's a world class chef, her team also includes four nutritionists, three personal trainers and “detox advocate.”

It's takes a village to be that smug.

I guess.

So, last week I said Lindsay Lohan was getting all cracky about making her stage debut in a reboot of David Mamet's Speed-the-Plow in London's West End. I called her crazy and a liar and a cracktress and, well, I was wrong.

Oh she's still a crazy, lying cracktress, most of the time, but not about this. Lindsay Lohan is actually cast in Speed-the-Plow and will make her professional stage debut this fall in Mamet's play at London’s Playhouse Theatre. Performances begin September 24 and continue through November 29 with opening night on October 2nd.

Okay, so I was wrong, I can admit that, but, I'm gonna keep on thinking that, during the play's almost two-month run, Lohan will be absent about half that time. Here's hoping her understudy is brilliant and prepared because that girl is gonna be on stage a lot!

I guess all those people who said Shia LaBeouf couldn't get arrested on Broadway were wrong, because last week Shia went cray-cray during a performance of Cabaret and was arrested outside Studio 54 where the show is playing.

It all started with Shia thinking he could smoke in the theater because he's Shia; when asked to stop, he began smacking his fellow audience members’ butts and heads and that's when the NYPD rolled up. Shia, who tried to run but he fell on his face and was dragged away in handcuffs. 

But before it was all over Shia was shrieking and squawking and threatening to end the careers of the police offices, hurling homophobic slurs at, and spitting on, police officers. They had to put him in a Hannibal Lecter-type mask before hauling him away. And then while being fingerprinted LaBeouf screamed:

“I have millions and millions of dollars and attorneys and I’m going to ruin your career.” 

He then called the officer a "fag."

He’s been charged with criminal trespass, harassment and disorderly conduct, according to law enforcement sources. No word on whether charges of bad acting will be added to the rap sheet.

Remember when Lindsay Lohan's Sex List was discovered and all those names of A-list actors — who were said to have schtupped the cracktress — came out? Well, Adam Levine, who was one of the men named, has decided to set the record straight during an interview with Howard Stern by saying, on air:

“I did not have sexual intercourse with Lindsay Lohan …”

Funny, though, he didn't mention any of the other sexual deeds that he ALLEGEDLY could have had with Lohan, because the list doesn’t say she had sexual intercourse with these men, it said Lindsay had sex with some of these men.

And intercourse ain’t the only sex act, even for such a straight shooter like Levine.

No one really wants to see a sequel to Snow White and the Huntsman but since the first one made a gazillion bucks at the box office, you're gonna have the chance.

Sadly, though, Snow White, AKA Outstanding Wooden Actress™ winner Kristen Stewart will not be in it. 

Chris Hemsworth will be back, as the Huntsman, and Charlize Theron may be back as the Evil Queen, but Stewart, and SWaTH director, and Stewart schtupper, Rupert Sands are not being asked back.

I guess the Casting Couch didn't help Stewart this time?

Y'all know Lifetime is producing a Whitney Houston biopic with America's Next Top Model Yaya DaCosta in the title role and Angela Bassett directing. It's not supposed to be great filmmaking, it's a little slice of Whitney's life, before the drugs ruined her, but still people are excited for it.

Except one Bobbi Kristina Brown — Whitney's daughter — who is all kinds of pissy that she didn't get the part and is slamming Angela Bassett all over the web after Bassett said this about the project:

“I did not think about casting [Bobbi Kristina]. And probably for a number of reasons, you know. One being that she’s not an actress. I know she’s acted here and there. I know she’s been on their family’s reality show, but she’s not an actress and acting is a craft. It’s an attempt to illuminate the complexities of human behavior and life. And this is a very fast-paced schedule; we have just 21 days to tell this story. It’s more than just saying lines and turning the light on. You have to drive the story—there’s a technical aspect.”

That sounds fair, right? Well, not to BK who retaliated on Twitter by suggesting that Bassett is really a man:

Classy act, girl. Your Mama would be so proud.

Okay, so I like the celebrity gossip snark, but I do realize that most celebrities are just like you and me, except that when they misbehave it makes news and when I misbehave I wake up with a massive hangover. So, yeah, with the exception of Lindsay Lohan, who is a rehab-going, drunk-driving, drag-racing, mother-kidnapping, jewelry-stealing, nightclub-brawling, cocaine-snorting, lying paid escort, most celebrities are normal folks … or, they’re like Amy Adams.

To end this Holiday Weekend gossip here’s a nice story about a celebrity …

Amy Adams was flying out of Detroit last week and she noticed that there was a uniformed soldier on the same flight. After asking about him, Adams quietly asked that he be given her seat in First Class and she’d take his seat in coach.

She wasn’t even trying to get press for this; it turns out that Jemele Hill, co-host of ESPN's Numbers Never Lie was on the same flight and Tweeted about it:

“Just saw actress Amy Adams do something incredibly classy. She gave her 1st class seat to an American soldier. I’m an even bigger fan now.”

Hill noted that Adams, whose father was in the military, spoke briefly with the solider before taking her seat in coach.

Of course, with Hill’s Tweet the story broke and when the plane landed at LAX a cameraman from Inside Edition asked Adams about it and she said:

“I didn’t do it for attention for myself. I did it for attention for the troops.” 

That’s all. Oh, and thanks Amy, that was a class act.

Random Musings

We spent last Sunday with former Round-The-Way-Gays, Neal and David; they downsized a bit and moved into another neighborhood here in Smallville, so they are just a little Further-Round-The-Way.

We picked up a friend, Matt, who is in his mid-80’s — yes, I said, eighties — and he is always such a pistol. He’s spending part of this next weekend at a male dance revue where the men don’t actually take off their clothes because, well, they aren’t wearing any clothes, save for elastic bands on their wrists and thighs for you to slip your money into. My wish is that I have half the energy, zest for life, the get up and go, and just plain fun in my 80s as Matt does now.

Afterwards, we took Matt home and then the four of us do what The Gays like to do on a hot day: shop. I’d heard from a friend about a salvage shop near downtown Columbia, and Neal, who knows where everything is, literally, knew of it, so off we went. And they had everything; some salvaged, some salvaged and repurposed; clay pots and sheets; palladium windows turned into mirrors; cabinets, tile, sinks, lights, furniture.

Naturally, Carlos and I will be headed back soon because there were several things we want for the house that we found there, though one thing I think we’ll pass on is the stone sink that Carlos found.

I mean, if we lived in bedrock …..

Why did it take seven years to get Sherri Shepherd off The View? 

She should'a been gone the day after she said, live on air, that she wasn't entirely sure that the Earth was round.

Oh, yes she did.

I like Elton John, I do, but there are times when I wish he’d just shut up and sing.

Like last week when he said that Jesus would want The Gays to have the right to marry.

Really, Elton? You know this for a fact? A man that has allegedly been dead for over 2,000 years and you know what he thinks about marriage equality?

Stop. Seriously. Stop.

Speaking of religion, I’ve been wondering about all these religious folks hatin' on The Gays and hatin' on laws that are changing to make The Gays equal. 

If God is Love, shouldn't y'all be more tolerant? And if you believe, as some politicians like Frothy Mix has said, that this country was created by God and that our laws come from God, then doesn’t that mean that all new laws, even those granting equality to The Gays come from God? And if so, shouldn't y'all just shut up and take a seat?

Asking for a friend.

Beyoncé. Meh. 

I mean, I kinda liked her a few years back, but then she seemed to reinvent herself as a high-class stripper, grunting and grinding all over the stage while a wind machine attacks her weave.

And now she has a new look: a body suit with the butt cheeks cut out.

Get on the pole already, girl, I hear Cheetahs is looking for fresh meat.

How can it be that pulling a nose hair out is the most painful thing I've ever experienced?

So, last night we wondered what to watch on TV and I had DVRd TNT's new show, The Last Ship, as well as CBS' Under The Dome.
Carlos wasn't feeling very dome-ish, so we opted for The Last Ship.

It should be called The Last Ship of Hot Men. Oy, that's beefcake Travis Van Winkle who obviously buys shirts one size smaller than legally allowed, and Jocko Sims, oozing with sexual heat, and beautiful Commander daddy, Eric Dane.

Yeah, I think we'll keep watching.

Shia LaBeouf was arrested at Cabaret last night and police reported that he was incoherent and disheveled and that he had severe body odor.

No wonder his movies stink. It's not the script; it ain't the acting' it's LaBeouf.

The perfect way to get people to stop talking ... just because?

Hold up the index finger of your left hand and say, "This is my last nerve."

Then take the index finger of your right hand and scratch the index finger of your left hand while saying, "And this is you."

Works every time.

I am not a fast food person; ever. I figure I can get a better meal at a ‘real’ restaurant where the food isn’t frozen and then nuked or super-heated before serving.

Still, I like Burger King’s new Whopper that was unveiled during Pride in San Francisco; a burger wrapped in a rainbow flag paper.

When customers asked what made this Whopper different from a standard-issue burger, they were simply told, “I don’t know.”

But the mystery was revealed once the rainbow-colored wrapper was opened: there was absolutely nothing is different about this burger, nothing at all.

Like it says: “We Are All the Same Inside.”

Ken-freaking-tucky. Where marriage equality arrived this week, though there is a stay on the ruling pending an appeal, but, man oh man, the march is going on.

Maybe, when Carlos and I get married — and we’re doing so this October ... fingers crossed that the plans work out — we might actually be able to do so in South Carolina; it’s all changing so quickly.