I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Paris Hilton is still around, and apparently still buying tiny animals. See, back in September she paid some $13,000 for a Pomeranian puppy that will never weigh more than 2 pounds that she named Prince Hilton the Pom.

But he’s now at full-weight, so Paris needed a new tiny animal to carry around, not like a living thing, but like an accessory … a ring … a coke spoon … something, so she purchased two more dogs — one for her and one for her mom — for $25,000, and named her dog, Princess Paris Jr.

Ritzy name for a tiny dog that will probably be used as some kind of drug mule.

Note to Paris: I bet you could buy a nice dog for, oh say, $500 and then give $24,500 to charity? That thought ever cross your min — oh, never mind.

After The Sony Hack revealed the ugly truth about unequal pay for women in Hollywood, Charlize Theron decided enough was enough, and is insisting that she be paid the same as Chris Hemsworth in their upcoming movie, “The Huntsman” the sequel to Snow White and The Huntsman—which, I guess means Kristen Stewart, who played … and this makes me giggle … Snow White, won’t be back … halleloo!

Back to Charlize, who demanded the same ten million as Chris, saying she has a great track record. Um, okay, did anyone mention Aeon Flux or A Million Ways to Die in the West or Prometheus or Young Adult or Brandon Flowers: Crossfire or Astro Boy or The Road or The Burning Plain or Hancock or Sleepwalking or Battle in Seattle or North Country or Head in the Clouds or The Life and Death of Peter Sellers?

Great track record? Charlize, honey, who are you kidding. I’d pay ten million to see Chris Hemsworth walk across my living room in a fig leaf, but I wouldn’t pay ten bucks to see you ‘act.’

Just sayin’.

Oh goodness, that Kim Kardastrophe never fails to make everything about her.

Last week she and the Mad Man were finally together for a weekend in the Big Apple and celebrated John Legend’s birthday with him.

This picture is how Kim wished her friend a happy birthday: by placing her augmented boobs front and center and shoving the birthday boy to one side where he was almost cropped out.

Big ass, Big Head.

Swifty was at the Globes this week because, well, there are men there and she needs a new boyfriend and some material for new songs, so she wriggled into a gown and off she went.

And she hit the after-parties with new BFF Lorde. But one person she wasn’t counting on seeing … right, Taylor … was Golden Globe nominee and her ex-boyfriend, he of the classic Swifty tune, You’re No Jake, You’re A Rake Who Breaks My Heart, Jake Gyllenhaal.

And Swifty apparently had a meltdown because Jake was in the same room, and was dancing with Rita Ora and then with actress … I dunno who she is … Malin Akerman, then his sister, and then his co-star in Constellations on Broadway, Ruth Wilson.

This apparently sent Swifty into a spiral and an eyewitness — perhaps Lohan, drunk under a bar or something — said, “I saw her grab her friend’s hand and repeat, ‘We have to go. We have to go.’”

The source says Swifty scurried off to the bathroom, where she ran into BFFs Cara Delevingne, Dakota Johnson, and … oopsy … Rita Ora:

“The four girls were together and Taylor was having a mini meltdown. Cara’s arm was around Taylor, calming her down as Rita looked on. They were talking extremely closely.”

She left the bathroom and wandered around the lobby for a hot minute — her makeup smudged — before she and Cara sat on a bench out front.

Oh Swifty? Didn’t you date Jake about ten years ago? I mean, he might have seen you and wondered who you were and why they let an underage girl into the party.

But at least you’ll have something to write in your diary, and a new song to pop out like a bad case of diarrhea.

So, Kirstie Alley is thin again, y’all and has been making the rounds to promote Jenny Craig … again. She went on Howard Stern’s show and talked Jenny … and a lot of stuff jenny may not have wanted her to talk about.

:::cough Scientology ::: cough ::: Leah Remini :::: cough :::

She declared that she is now something called an OT Level VII Scientologist which means no one audits Kirstie, Kirstie audits herself; and also meaning she’s nearly as high-up as Top Tiny Scientologist Tom Cruise, who is at Level VIII. I think Level VII is the Certifiably Insane Level. ALLEGEDLY.

Kirstie also threw shade at old pal, and former Scientologist, Leah Remini. Remini famously left the COS in 2013 after filing a missing persons report for COS head honcho David Miscavige’s wife, Shelley. The report went nowhere because Miscavige was able to halt the investigation by the LAPD and Kirstie went after Leah, though she’s always denied that allegation:

“She left the religion and she was very critical. That’s just sort of water under the bridge. There’s nothing going on and there was nothing going on for years. I didn’t shun her, but if a lot of people are rejecting you, at some point you gotta ask, ‘What am I doing?’ I mean, that’s what I would have asked myself.”

She didn’t shun Leah but a lot of people did? Uh huh. And if a lot of people shun you does that mean you needed to be shunned, or does it mean that a cult wants to distance itself from a member who broke away.

I’d wait for Kristie’s response, but she’s having a sammich and one does not disturb Kirstie when she’s with a sammich.

So, does JLo have a new much younger boyfriend, or is she just dating her The Boy Next Door co-star Ryan Guzman until the movie comes out and bombs and then she’ll dump him?

I mean, she did bring him as her Plus One to the Globes and the two posed together on the carpet, and she introduced him to everybody. And he’d be perfect for her because he’s twenty-seven to her forty-five, so he’s still in Son of JLo age range.

But, is it just me or is something pinging about Guzman? I mean, JLo allegedly has a habit of going for The Gays.

Right, Casper?

Did y’all see Justin Bieber’s Calvin Klein ads where he’s trying to Marky Mark his way into our hearts?

Not working because, even though Marky Mark was kind of a dangerous, criminal type, Justin is more of an egg-tossing, drag-racing wannabe, so, yeah, there’s that.

There is also the fact that the ads were photoshopped to bulk up Bieber’s pecs and crotch, and even though the photos are out there, The Biebs and his team are in suing mode ore anyone who says the ad isn’t all Bieber.

In fact, Team Bieber sent a cease and desist letter to the website that first posted the ALLEGED un-retouched Calvin Klein photo, asking to have the photo removed. His people say the photo isn’t real and, darn it, the picture made Justin cry so y’all just stop it. Now.

On a sicker note, Team Bieber even had Bieber’s personal trainer, Patrick Nilsson, give a statement on how big the Bieber junk is:

“I can definitely confirm that he is a well-endowed guy.”

Wait. A guy is talking Bieber junk? Couldn’t they get a stripper to confirm it? Or Selena Gomez?

Just sayin’.

More trouble over there at The View and this time it isn’t about Whoopi and Rosie O trying to wrestle control over the show from the other.

This time word on the street is that Rosie Perez will soon be out. Or that she’s already gone because she was just sick of that whole toxic environment.

Perez hasn’t been on The View all month because she’s ALLEGEDLY been busy rehearsing the Broadway play Fish in the Dark; Rosie O has been saying that Perez will be out for the rest of the month but will be back next month, though sources — and it could be Lohan angling for a TV gig — say that isn’t going to happen. That source says Rosie P “never got a hang of the show’s mixture of hard and soft news” and she has trouble reading the TelePrompTer … ouch … though a spokeswhore for ABC — and that could be Barbara Walters — says:

 “Rosie Perez is currently in rehearsal for her Broadway play for the month of January. Her status with the show has not changed.”

There is also a rumor that ABC is gonna kill The View to add another hour to the far more popular, and less drama-filled, Good Morning America.

That I can see.

Let’s finish with more Biebs … During his vacation in Turks and Caicos, Justin Bieber ran into Rolling Stone Keith Richards. Justin, who figures himself rock royalty, wandered over to Keith’s table for a drink when, according to a source — possibly Selena Gomez hiding under the table to measure Justin’s, er, inseam, for a tabloid — says:

 “Justin tried to bro down with him.”

To which Richards ALLEGEDLY — though I believe it — said:

“Let’s get one thing straight. You’re a wannabe.”

Better than another group this week, a conservative political group that mistook Justin Bieber for Miley Cyrus.

That’s seriously happened.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

This Mariah Carey-Nick Cannon split seems to have been in the works for weeks, even though Nick just confirmed it last week. The lawyers were already involved and the financial stuff figured out. But no one's heard from Mimi and apparently that's how she wants it done ... SILENCE!! ... even from Nick.

Mariah knew that Nick wouldn’t be able to keep his mouth shut, so she hit him with a confidentially agreement.  It seems Nick and Mariah's lawyers hashed out the agreement as part of their divorce and ... as most things are were in their marriage ... it’s completely one-sided.

Nick is barred from saying anything about the split and if he does then he will pay, financially. Yes, Mama Mimi will cut off any monies Nick might receive in the settlement if he opens his yap. And now he's zipped up tighter than Mariah in an evening gown on the way to Mickey D's for lunch.

Sidenote: post-split annoncement, Nick has taken to dressing like a 12-year-old boy, while Mariah has begun to look like Joan Collins, circa 1983 Dynasty.

Seriously, Mimi? You look like the Dowager Countess.

Chris Brown was hosting a pre-VMAs party at 1Oak club in LA last weekend when, as happens when brown is around, Suge Knight, founder of Def Row Records, was shot repeatedly at the bash. 

Oh, he’ll be fine, but Chrissy is taking this time to complain about the gunfire at the 1Oak Corral by Tweeting:

"It's disappointing that we as a society can't have fun or enjoy ourselves without any altercations sometimes. Miss me with the bullshit."

So, disappointing, because usually it's Chris Brown throwing punches at his girlfriend's face ... or Chris Brown throwing a chair out the window at GMA ... or Chris brown beating up a fan in Washington DC ... or Chris Brown starting a fight with Frank Ocean over a parking space ... or Chris Brown braking the windows of his Mama's car because he wasn't being released from anger management rehab.

How.Disappointing.Indeed.

About a week ago, news came out that Ed Bernero, the showrunner of "brilliant" actress Katherine Heigl's craptastic new TV show, State of Affairs, was leaving the show. And everyone involved with the series made sure to spread the word that his “exit doesn’t have anything to do with the show’s star.” 

Seems like overkill, no? Especially in light of this Heigl Tale ... Mike Walker, of the National Enquirer ... hey, they broke the John Edwards story ... says he has a source on the State of Affairs set and claims that Heigl made producers reshoot an entire scene because she didn’t like the way her ass looked. And ALLEGEDLY her co-star, Alfre Woodard, suggested that Heigl hire herself a butt double to make sure her ass always looks good on-camera.

I knew she was a pain in the ass, but I never knew her ass was such a pain to photograph.

It wasn’t that long ago that Jennifer Lopez called it quits with her most-recent boy-toy, and backup dancer, Casper Smart, because he was ALLEGEDLY banging a couple of transsexual models and JLo likes to be the only one her beau's are banging.

So, out with Casper and in with Maksim, another dancer ... sigh. 

But, recently, when JLo appeared on Chelsea Lately, Handler asked her about her dating future and JLo said this ... with a serious face:

“I like being in a relationship. I’m not one to like, whore around, and stuff like that—that’s not my thing.”

Like she wasn't whoring around with Ojani Noa, Diddy, Ben Affleck, Cris Judd, Marc Anthony, Casper Smart and Maksim Chmerkovskiy. Seven men in fourteen years ... so she basically whores around for two years at a stretch and then moves on.

Meanwhile, back at Mimi and Nick ... I've always thought Mariah was crazy, and growing crazier year by year. I mean, how else to explain her sense of, um, style, when she grows older but proceeds to dress more and more like a Bratz doll stuck in a Claire's store in real life?

Well, it seems as if Mimi's mental state is the reason behind her split with Nick, and not his ALLEGED cheating. Sources say Nick has made it clear to everyone that he's worried about Mariah’s emotional state and is ending the marriage for the well-being of their kids. He believes the environment around Mariah is toxic and fears for his children.

And the child support baggage they bring with them, I imagine.

Still, Nick believes his kids have already shown signs of emotional upset by living in Mimi's World'o'Crazy and he wants them raised in a more stable, less manic and sequined, environment. He also thinks her "people" don’t care about anything but her ability to make money and pay their salaries.

So, which is it? Nick cheating? Mariah crazy?

You know which side I fall on ...

Last Sunday’s VMAs were shockingly scandal free since there were no twenty-something girls backing their asses up on thirty-something men’s crotches and calling it “entertainment” so someone had to be daring and, well, it fell on Nicki Minaj to have an incident.

Or did she?

See, Nicki had a wardrobe malfunction during her song when she ran off stage to change clothes and then returned in a dress which appeared unzipped. She tried holding it together so that we could be spared a Janet Jackson moment, but was it real, or was it rehearsed?

Nicki says it was an accident, and yet, during the dress rehearsal, the exact same thing happened; she returned to the stage with the front of her dress opened and then rehearsed how to dance around holding it closed. I think the ‘dress rehearsal’ was to see how Nicki could work the stage in an accidentally” unzipped dress and not be totally nude.

Uh huh.

Remember how Lindsay Lohan filed that crack-y lawsuit against the makers of Grand Theft Auto because, she said, the character “Lacey Jonas”, a cracked out has been actress with family issues and drug problems was based on her?

Well, the makers of GFA want the lawsuit thrown out of court and they want Lohan fined for, well, being Lohan and wasting everyone’s time. Lohan had sued manufacturer Take-Two Interactive saying they used her image — of a washed up actress — for the cartoon character of Lacey Jonas without her permission.

Now, Take-Two says the only physical similarity between Lindsay and Lacey is that they’re both young blondes and adds:

“The portrayal of a Hollywood figure being chased by paparazzi, of course, is hardly unique to Ms. Lohan. She also alleges that Grand Theft Auto V features a hotel similar to the Hotel Chateau Marmont of West Hollywood, where she once resided. This allegation underscores the thinness of Ms. Lohan’s claims: GTAV is a parody of Los Angeles, so it is unsurprising that it features similar buildings.”

I’ve a feeling this lawsuit will be tossed out faster than Lohan being tossed out of 1Oak in New York last year, and tossed out faster than the suit she filed against rapper Pitbull, claiming he improperly used her arrest in song lyrics.

Seriously, Lindsay, if you need money, get a job.

GET.A.JOB.

And let's end with good news ...

A lot of folks may not like them — well, they may not like her — but I love them both and, after nine years and six kids, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have gotten married.

While those Hollywood people were fawning over the Emmys and the VMAs Brad and Angie tied the knot in Chateau Miraval France, last weekend. It was a private affair, family and friends, and as Angelina has always said, their kids were a part of the couple’s big day. Angelina walked down the aisle with her eldest sons Maddox and Pax, while Zahara and Vivienne threw petals, and Shiloh and Knox served as ring bearers.

In advance of the nondenominational civil ceremony, Brad and Angelina obtained a marriage license from a local California judge who also conducted the ceremony in France.

Congratulations to the happy couple and the whole family.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Okay, so yeah, Lindsay Lohan got a real job, but it's only for a couple of months.

She'll be playing the same role that that other brilliant actress, Madonna — remember her film career?? Neither does she — played on Broadway last century. But that doesn’t mean Lohan still isn't looking for a pay day, and this time it’s another lawsuit — like the one against the company that marketed her tights ... and I'll say nothing more about that.

Last December, Lohan's lawyer — probably Dina with her hair in a pun and some CVS reading glasses on her schnoz — threatened to sue the makers of Grand Theft Auto V for ALLEGEDLY basing a character on her without paying for the privilege.

Well, it took 'em six months — probably because Lindsay still had some Oprah coins in the bottom of her purse — but finally the law offices of Lohan and Lohan filed suit claiming that the character of Lacey Jonas is a total rip-off of dignified stage and screen actress Lindsay Lohan and now they want a Grand Theft Settlement.

The suit claims Lohan’s “image, voice and style” were stolen for the game, and that the lead character, "Lacey Jonas". is on the run from the Chateau Marmont hotel, where Lohan once bailed on a hotel bill; Jonas is found hiding in alley, asking for help to elude the paparazzi, moaning about how hard it is to be famous, complaining that she doesn’t need “any more lawsuits,” talking about breaking it off with her “lame” family, calling herself anorexic, and bragging about how all of her fans could fill “the country of Africa, wherever that is.”

Lohan wants you all to know that this delusional illiterate cartoon tool is based on her! 

Dammit!

Beyoncé and Jay-Z are on their “On The Run” tour as we speak, and we've heard that tickets aren't selling quickly. So, what do they do? 

Well, if you read this blog’s Random Musings [HERE] you'd know that Beyoncé has taken to exposing her ass onstage to drum up tickets sales and when that didn’t work — because, let's face it, you could get a Beyoncé look-a-like to lap-dance you to hell and back for a lot less than a concert ticket — now comes word that, during a performance of "Resentment" Beyoncé seemed to sing-say that Jay Z cheated on her.

While belting out the track, about a woman who was cheated on, Bey sang “been riding with you for 12 years” instead of the original words “been riding with you for six years.” 

When Beyoncé first recorded that song it was in 2006, when she and Jay had been dating for four years; and that would be twelve years now.

Other original lyrics include the line, "l always remember feeling like I was no good, Like I couldn’t do it for you like your mistress could" which is now being sung as, "I’ll always remember feeling like I was no good, Like I couldn’t do it for you like that wack bitch could."

Did he cheat? Is he cheating? Or, as I'm apt to think, are the Carters desperate for ticket sales to increase?

Former homeless Alaskan folk singer and current country singer, Jewel has announced that she and her husband, professional bull riding husband Ty Murray are divorcing after 16 years together.

And, as celebrities are apt to do, they prefer not to call it divorce — and we can thank Smuggy Paltrow for that. No, rather than saying "we're divorcing" and not wanting to be sued by Paltrow for copyright infringement by using the term "consciously uncoupling" Jewel and Murray announced that there will be a "thoughtful and tender undoing of ourselves."

Conscious uncoupling; tender undoing. You're divorcing asshats!

Y'all know Jennifer Lopez blatantly lied about her breakup with Casper Smart, right? She was playing fast-and-loose with the timeline to make it seem like she and Casper weren’t together when he was hooking up with transsexual models.

No one really cared when it happened because we all knew it was going to happen; I mean, it's JLo, who isn’t known for long-term relationships or marriages. But now comes the rumor that Jell-O was in full “meltdown mode” during the breakup.

A friend of the singer — maybe that dancing STD from TV that she's been banging for a hot minute or two — says she's "had a complete meltdown” recently, overdoing it with the champagne and losing it at home:

“She started throwing framed photos of Casper against the wall — there was broken glass everywhere, and the maid had to clean up after her. It was a crazy scene.”

Very Joan Crawford, you know; and she was a bitch, too, who couldn't keep a man for longer than a minute.

It looks like 2014's Messiest Divorce is gonna get messier.

Sherri Shepherd and her soon-to-be-ex-husband Lamar Sally decided to call it quits last May and Lamar began playing the gold-digger role asking for child support for the as-yet-unborn child he and Shepherd were having via a surrogate. He wanted that baby and all the child support that came with it and used it as a jump-off for stories about what a horrible mother Sherri is.

Now, though, it seems that Christian Sherri wants nothing to do with the surrogate baby, and is saying that Lamar swindled her into having a baby via-surrogate just so he could have a monthly paycheck for the next eighteen years after he dumped her. In fact, she's now claiming that this bundle of joy that she once so desperately wanted isn’t even hers, since it’s made from a donor egg and Lamar’s sperm.

So Lamar only wanted Surrogate Baby for the cash, and Christian Sherri doesn’t want Surrogate Baby at all. 

Lovely. And straight people can get married all they want and have all the kids they want because, well, straight.

I wouldn't know Azealia Banks if she brought me my breakfast at the Waffle house — which is where she might be headed given that she doesn’t seem to want to perform and no one seems to want to see her perform.

Case in point: Banks was a no-show at the Hove Festival in Norway recently, which could have gone badly except that no one showed up to see her in concert.

Banks didn’t want to make the 4-hour drive to the festival site, so she called up the organizers at the last second and said she wasn’t coming. There was no time to make an official announcement, but thankfully this is what the site looked like during what might have been Banks' set:

No one was there. Like I said, she might have to get used to hearing people ask for more syrup for their waffles and not an encore.

Kim and Kanye spent so much on their tacky wedding — headless statues, gold toilets, engraved marble tables don’t come cheap, y’all —that this story seems quite plausible.

After the wedding, they instantly handed off baby NorthSouthEastWest to That Woman, who instantly put the child in her carry-on, K and K jetted off to Ireland for their honeymoon, where they stayed locked in a hotel room for days doing the deed; the deed being editing and Photoshopping their wedding pictures for Instagram.

And when they left Ireland they left behind a little something else: an unpaid hotel bill to the tune of $20,000. Lindsay Lohan say what?

The K’s first stayed at the Castle Oliver complex in Limerick, but instantly grew tired of the place because the castle was “too big” and their cell reception was awful. So the happy couple left for the Ballyfin House in Co Laois instead.

Yet, according to hotel insiders, the Castle Oliver had already ordered countless items —food, champagne, special flowers, candles — to satisfy the K’s over-the-top demands, and were unnerved to find the K's had disputed the deposit charged to their American Express card and had the charges reversed.

In other words: cheap.

Okay, Solange Knowles. We wouldn’t even know your name if it wasn’t for your sister … or for your on your brother-in-law at a fancy dress ball.

Bu enough with trading on ElevatorGate for some new-found fame, er infamy. Seriously, she thinks she's more famous than ever, reveling in the attention she gets on red carpets, showing up at the opening of an envelope. But that'll last about another hot minute, then she'll go back to carrying Beyoncé’s luggage and polishing Jay Z’s chains, unless ...

She keeps bringing up the beat-down without actually bringing it up. And this may explain why she’s talking —albeit briefly —about the Smackdown in a new interview for Lucky magazine where she downplays the brawl as “that thing”:

“What’s important is that my family and I are all good. What we had to say collectively was in the statement that we put out, and we all feel at peace with that.”

Translation: Beyoncé told me to shut up or she’d stop sending me coins.

So Pam Anderson is divorcing; again. She’s divorcing Rick Salomon; again. He’s the idea who banged that Petri dish of STDs, Paris Hilton, on tape, and he’s the guy who married Shannon Doherty for about a hot minute.

Oh, and he married Pam Anderson in 2007, only to have the marriage annulled a few months later, only to marry Pam Anderson in 2013, only to divorce her in 2014.

And Pam, of course, besides being married to Salomon, twice, was also married to Tommy Lee and Kid Rock.

Straight people are so lucky to be able to glorify marriage by doing it over and over again.

So, we all know that ABC fired Sheri Shepherd and Jenny McCarthy, AKA Tweedledumb and Tweedledumber, from The View, right? 

I mean, Sherri was renegotiating her contract and wanted some more zeros on her check and ABC offered up a check that was all zeros and a map to the exit. Jenny McCarthy, on the other hand, was hired for one year and about two months in ABC and Barbara Walters said, 'WTF have we done' and told her that she’d be out on the last day of her contract.

That’s the truth; but Jenny and Sherri are spinning like dreidels to make it seem like it was their choice to leave.

This week, after coming back from vacation, Whoopi Goldberg mentioned the “giant neon pink gorilla” in the room that needed to be addressed, and then Jenny started lying. She says she enjoyed The View but is on to bigger and better things and will be announcing, uh huh, a new show she’ll be on where no one will interrupt her, and it will air opposite The View. I break it down like this: she’ll be live Tweeting during The View all next season from her bed, surrounded by empty boxes of Ho Ho’s and Ding Dong’s and old boxed sets of New Kids on the Block CDs from the late 90s.

But Sherri’s explanation for why she got the boot, er quit, was just plain hallucinogenic. She played the Bible card, y’all:

“I’m a woman of faith and seven in the Bible is the number of God’s completion. I’ve been here seven years, and my time at The View is complete.”

Bitch, please. If seven is the number of God’s completion then you knew seven years ago you’d be leaving this year so why try and renegotiate your contract? Open the Bible to the part that says STFU. And then have a seat and be quiet.