I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

It looks like uber rich David Geffen is having boy drama again.

It seems that the 71-year-old Geffen’s 20-year-old ex-boyfriend — who was kicked off his college football team for making out with his wealthy daddy in the press box during a game … he initially told school officials Geffen was his grandfather but that didn’t explain the lip-lock — was arrested last October for violating the terms of a restraining order.

Jamie Kuntz is accused "of following, harassing and making a 'credible threat' against Geffen sometime between September and November, and he is now facing a felony stalking charge and a minor misdemeanor charge for allegedly disobeying a court order to stay away from his former lover.

I bet David Geffen wishes he could go back to the good old days when the only gossip about him was that he’d married Keanu Reeves.

Oh, and by the way, the only time 20 goes into 71 is when there’s a money exchange involved. Just sayin’.

Gosh, I loathe Gwyneth Paltrow. And the fact that she name-drops her own mother to her own soon-to-be-or-not husband makes me loathe her all the more.

It seems Goop was hanging out in the Hamptons with her consciously-uncoupled-towel-boy-slash-singer-slash-sometimes-husband at a spa, where said ex, AKA Chris Martin was paying for a one-hour massage.

Naturally, bored by her pedestrian husband, Gwyneth busied herself with texts and phone calls while he mopped the sweat from her forehead. But, when he asked to whom she was speaking — he’s English, that’s how they talk ... "to whom" — Goop said, and this is where I die:

“Blythe Danner“. Her.Mother.

I guess ‘Mom’ or ‘Mother’ is just too common for Paltrow. I also guess that on the other end of that phone call, Blythe Danner was mouthing the words: How did this bitch get my new number? to the help.

So many women — twenty eight at last count — have come forward with strikingly similar stories of being drugged and raped by Bill Cosby that most people believe he has a standard M.O. and is a sexual predator. So what does Cosby do? Well, he urged the “black” media to stay neutral, i.e. don’t ever mention it; he sat back while his wife sang his praises as a victim, and now this …

Cosby has hired an entire fleet of private investigators to dig up information on the women who are coming forward because, god forbid, if a woman who says Cosby drugged her and raped her and then sent her on her way, well, then she deserves to have the whole world know she has unpaid parking tickets, or didn’t clean her apartment before she moved, or drinks, or swears or had had multiple sex partners.

See, any woman who would do all that — and I mean twenty eight women who would do all that — would obviously also lie about being raped by the Jell-O pudding man.

Way to shame and blame the victims, Mr. Cosby, rather than stand up and fight. Or is that because they’re all telling the truth?

God Madge, please sit down. After several songs were leaked from her upcoming album, Madonna claimed she was the victim of a terrorist attack not unlike, I imagine, the families of those killed on 9/11’s terrorist attack, now she’s taken to comparing it to being raped.

Drama.Queen.

But, to me, what she’s most upset about is that, after the songs were leaked, she and her team decided to release six tracks for that upcoming album and every single one of them has bombed … not unlike a terrorist attack. The songs barely made an impact; in fact, there was a “nosedive” in sales after the first week, which saw her in lucky number 13. Now her single with Nicki Minaj, “Unapologetic Bitch” is down to #188, while “Living for Love” is #529.

In addition to all of that, one of the songs — “Two Steps Behind” — is allegedly about Lady Gaga whose own albums are still out-selling Madge’s Rebel Heart.

Poor Madge, being out-sold by her rival and Taylor Swift, a girl young enough to be her, well, almost granddaughter.

Back in September, Jeremy Renner is divorcing his wife of ten months — and mother of his daughter — Sonni Pacheco.

Didn’t know he was married? Probably because he kept it a secret until last September. But now it’s about to get ugly up in there, with all kinds of speculation that Jeremy married Sonni to help her stay in America, or that she was just the surrogate baby mama to Jeremy and his business partner boyfriend.

Sonni Pacheco is seeking the split over irreconcilable differences and … get this … she says he stole her passport, birth certificate and Social Security card. Pacheco says they have a prenup, but adds that it should be torn up because it was based on fraud.

No further detail about what she means by “fraud” but the last time I heard “fraud” used in a divorce proceeding was when Zellweger was seeking an annulment of her four month-long marriage to the long-rumored-to-be-gay, Kenny Chesney. Just sayin’.

Lindsay Lohan has been infected with the Chikungunya virus while on vacation in French Polynesia — give her a break, she worked steadily for about eight weeks this year so she deserves a little time off — but says she will not let it ruin her vacation.

In unrelated news ... giggle ... every single pharmacy in French Polynesia is completely out of pain meds.

Coinky-dink? I think not.

I love Christina Aguilera but, gurl, she’s a diva who can make Mimi look positively sweet.

A couple of weeks ago Christina went to Disneyland in Anaheim to celebrate her birthday with friends and family and she went off on The Mouse.

She was ALLEGEDLY quite rude to fans that approached her asking for a photo but then the tables turned when she couldn’t get a photo with Mickey Mouse. It seems the person behind the Mouse ears was leaving the area for his break when she asked for a picture and was told she would have to wait until he came back; she went all Reese-Witherspoon-Without-The-Vodka on him, asking Don’t you know who I am??

And then she called Mickey Mouse, the symbol of the happiest place on Earth, an asshole. Mickey had to be ushered to a safe zone before he went all Gangsta Rodent on the pop tart.

Okay, so we all know Justin Bieber wouldn’t know the truth if it egged his house, right?

I mean, he once said he’d bought a yacht when all he was really doing was hanging out on some rich family’s boat; he once took a photo of a Bugatti and said it was his car when, in fact, it actually belonged to Birdman.

Now, he says he bought himself a new plane for Christmas, and proudly Social-Media’d — Yes, it’s a verb — pictures all over; he captioned the picture: “New jet for Christmas, and she’s beautiful.”

Trouble is that the G4 on which he posed is for sale, but Bieber never bought it. It was just another lie, like the lie that he’s got talent for anything more than being a douche.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Word out of Hollywood is that Jennifer Aniston has hired an Oscar strategist named Lisa Taback, who previously worked on the Oscar campaigns for The King’s Speech and The Artist.

Seriously, Aniston wants an Oscar so badly, that she’s hired someone to help her win it? And what exactly does an Oscar strategist do? Here’s how I’d do it: Hey Jen? Get yourself a part in a film of substance for a change and try to act for a change. No need to go sans makeup or have a scar put on your face. Just be good at your job … for a change.

M’kay, I wouldn’t last long in the Oscar Strategist job.

Here’s how I see an Oscar in Jennifer Aniston’s future … cut to 2034, a retired former comic actress Jennifer Aniston appears on a TV screen eating a sandwich, and then begins to sing …

♫♪ My bologna has a first name … it’s O-S-C-A-R …♪♫

Aniston.Oscar. My work here is done.

Oh Gwynnie, now it’s not just Martha throwing shade at you, it‘s Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer.

And she out-elitists Paltrow at every turn! It seems Paltrow — Oscar winner … sorry Jen … best-selling cookbook author, lifestyle “expert” — wanted to work with Yahoo as an editor for the website’s food division but Mayer put the kibosh on that because … wait for it … I’m loving it … Gwyneth Paltrow doesn’t have a college degree.

According to a new book, Mayer and the Fight to Save Yahoo! By Nicholas Carson, Mayer — a 39-year-old Stanford grad who’s a stickler for degrees — “balked” at obtaining Paltrow’s services, despite Paltrow’s ego and fame and website and ego and star power and ego, because she “disapproved of the fact that Paltrow did not graduate college.”

To be fair, Paltrow did attend the University of California, Santa Barbara — a feat that at least two biographies of Goop attributed to her family’s long relationship with UCSB alum Michael Douglas — but left after one year to become an actress.

And so, twenty years later, hoping to be a contributor to Yahoo, Goop gets the news that college dropouts, no matter large their egos, needn’t apply.

My.Heart.Weeps.

Are Kim Kardastrophe and KrayKray West headed for a d-i-v-o-r-c-e?

Well, maybe yes, maybe no. I say no because their marriage seems to be one based on media attention, not actual love for one another because the pair rarely spend any time together at all. I mean, Kanye spent Thanksgiving eating dinner in Paris with male friends, while Kimmy was at home basting the turkey all by her lonesome.

And now, because he’s ALLEGEDLY working on new music, he may spend Christmas away from his shrew wife and Kimmy is livid … well, she’s mad because for her to be livid you’d have to first explain what livid means.

Still, a couple of weeks back,  the couple did get to spend some quality time together during a family outing to Disney On Ice at Staples Center … until the middle of the show when Kanye up and left and never returned.

Perhaps one of his male friends was hungry?

Still, I’m guessing this mess of a marriage works because they rarely see one another, I mean, with one having an ego the size of his wife’s ass and the other having an ass the size of her husband’s ego.

Selena Gomez used to be BFFs with Taylor Swift; and they’re still friendly every now and again, when Selena breaks up with Justin Bieber for a hot minute to sing a song about how much she loves him and then go back to him so she can break up with him again.

But, apparently she now misses Little Biebs so much that she spent most of Swifty’s birthday party sobbing on the terrace over her broken relationship with that egg-tossing-drag-racing-Sizzurp-slurping too.

According to witnesses at TayTay’s 25th birthday party — attended by fellow media whores Jay Z and Beyoncé — at Swifty’s NYC penthouse, Selena was reportedly crying out on the terrace because she misses her Little Man and shouting, at anyone who would listen:

“No one understands me! My boyfriend doesn’t even understand me.”

Oh honey, we understand you. You’re a delusional young girl who thinks your life is wrapped up with a Twit.

Problem is, you don’t understand that.

Gosh, the folks at NBC”s Today Show are really desperate to grab some ratings away from Good Morning America, even going so far as to cancel an interview with Amy Adams because she wouldn’t talk about The Sony Hack.

Really.  Adams was in NYC to promote Big Eyes, which comes out on Christmas Eve and was directed by Tim Burton and distributed by The Weinstein Company. No connection to Sony whatsoever.

And yet, when Amy Adams went on Today all they wanted to talk about was the Sony Hack. Adams came to the set, and although she’d already told producers she did not, and would not, discuss The Hack, she once again had to tell the bigwigs that she would prefer to avoid the subject, given this was a four-minute interview and she was there to talk about her movie which, again, has nothing to do with Sony.

Adams says she was told that Today is a news organization — how’s that for high-larity? — and she was told no one dictates their interviews. Adams didn’t balk, and was, in fact, shown on TV screens as an upcoming segment and then … nothing.

The show bounced her, pulled her segment and completely wasted her time, though Today execs are spinning it that Adams was at fault and behaved like some kind of hellcat.

Who says hellcat anymore?

Here’s the deal: she was there to talk Big Eyes and had just four minutes to do it, but they wanted to talk The Hack because they’re desperate to appear relevant. Now they’ll be hard-pressed to ever get Adams back or any other actor who wants to promote a film and not Sony.

Stupid move, NBC ... NBC ... No.Body.Cares.

Last week, several unfinished tracks from Madonna’s latest album were leaked onto the internet by someone or a few someone’s who just couldn’t wait to hear some auto-tuned dance tunes from an aging, surgically enhanced diva.

But the best part of this is how Madge, speaking in that clipped British accent she’s not-yet-quite-perfected, tells the tale of living in a “state of terror” since the leak:

“Obviously there is a person, or a group of people behind this that were essentially terrorizing me. I don’t want to sound alarming, but certainly that’s how I felt. It’s one thing if someone comes into your house and steals a painting off your wall: that’s also a violation, but, your work, as an artist, that’s devastating. I’m an artistic person, I’m very expressive. I’m sorry if words alarm people, but that’s what it felt like. It was not a consensual agreement. I did not say ‘hey, here’s my music, and it’s finished.’ It was theft.”

Oh, it’s theft all right, but, Madge, seriously, calm yourself down … settle ... settle … sip some tea … because leaking your music, or what passes for music these days, is not terrorism.

Nobody died, dear, though I’m sure ear drums will be bleeding.

So after The Interview was made — detailing in all its high comedy the assassination of a country’s leader because that’s funny stuff — Sony found its emails hacked and all kinds of bad stuff happened.

So, Sony pulled the move after what Homeland Security called "not credible threats" of something happening should the film open on Christmas as planned and then ... cue publicity ... and now cue Sony saying they will release The Interview on Christmas after all.

Now, I know they were hacked and all kinds of private info and emails were released, but, show of hands, who feels like Sony just played The Hack for more publicity for what was bound to be another Franco bomb?

And seriously, now they’re playing it like it would be unpatriotic if you don’t go see this piece of crap.

F**k you Sony. This was just a stunt and I ain’t buying that … or a ticket to this piece of schlock.

Photo of the Week: Madonna

Just in time for the release of some new music, Madonna has also come out with a new face. I'm getting Madonna, with a sprinkling of Lauren Bacall, a hint of Kathleen Turner, and a tinge of Faye Dunaway.

Here she is, through the, ahem, ages.

Just sayin'.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Mariah’s getting wackier by the minute … and more so since her marriage bombed bigger than her latest album.

See, Mimi was being interviewed and was asked about other female singers and she said this about Nicki Minaj … “Who?” And this about Beyoncé’s Drunk in Love… “I haven’t heard it” and then she said this about little Mariah, er, Ariana Grande…  “I wish everybody all the best of luck and if this is the career path they choose, hope that they can achieve longevity.” 

But maybe Mariah’s on to something because Little Mariah, er, Ariana, is quickly getting the Diva Handle, what with her obsession with only allowing photographs of the left side of her face — I remember when Mimi did that — and her own hatred, or just  dislike, of Original Mariah.

While filming a TV special in mid-August, Ariana Grande was impossible to work with according to a source — perhaps Dina Lohan looking for a second income now that Lindsay’s across the pond and only making ‘;theater’ money — says: “She was a total nightmare. She demanded to be shot only on her left side and told the lighting crew that if they used red light, she would ‘kill herself’.”

Even producers at the venue were disgusted with Toddler Diva, saying she “is, hands down, the most difficult person they have ever had to work with.”

But never EVER compare Ariana to Mimi because then that little girl will go off. Ariana is fuming about what Mimi said of her in that interview and she cannot, will not hear Mariah’s name mentioned in her presence.

 And never, ever, on her left side! Or in a red light.

And speaking of Beyoncé … she’s done it again.

A few years back, when she was with Destiny’s Child, they released a Christmas album, and recorded their version of Silent Night on it. Well, Beyoncé  added a few words to the song, a few hip thrusts to the melody, and a couple of hair tosses on the high notes, so in the liner noted she actually gave herself credit for being one of the writers of Silent $%&#ing Night.

And now she’s shot some pics and co-written a poem about her favorite subject … Beyoncé … for CR Fashion Book. In her ode to herself, “Bey The Light” the poem is credited to Beyoncé with the words being “remixed” by poet Forrest Gander which means that basically, she took his poem, threw her name in it, and gave herself credit for it.

Now that’s sad and pathetic and egomaniacal and totally Beyoncé, but there’s a funny twist to the story.

The pictures that go along with the words seem to prove that Kanye really does hate Beyoncé because his BFF, Riccardo Tisci styled this shoot and in one photo Tisci actually covered up Bey’s face! He also had her wear stretch pants and do battle with a Mickey Mouse doll.

Kanye and Ricardo are tee-heeing themselves into a Giddy Boy Crazy Frenzy, I imagine.

Way back in April, Katherine Heigl  slapped NYC drugstore chain Duane Reade with a lawsuit after they tweeted a picture of her leaving one of their stores carrying one of their bags, because Heigl was pissed they’d use her “image” without her permission, or a check at the very least.

She demanded restitution to the tune of $6 million but now it’s been revealed that she and Duane Reade have reached a settlement and she’s dropped her suit, AKA the demand for cash.

Heigl’s people — her mother, actually — says both parties are keeping mum about the deal, but apparently Duane Reade is making a donation to the Jason Debus Heigl Foundation in exchange for making the lawsuit disappear.

While I like that some money went to charity and not to Heigl’s ciggie fund, I still would have liked to see that courtroom drama on TV: Highly Respected Actress Shamed By Photo of Her Carrying Duane Reade Bag!

It was sure to have been better than her craptastic new TV show … or so I’m told.

Kristen Stewart. I’ve missed her since she shined in both Twilight and as The Other Woman in Rupert Sanders’ Divorce. Thank god she’s back and talking because this stuff is precious. …

In a Vanity Fair interview, Stewart seems to suggest that she’s an incredible actress and not just a piece of driftwood that washed ashore on Malibu Beach in a teddy and a thong. And she actually blames any and all bad acting from her past — including the time she acted like she wasn’t the trick of a married director — on her costars.

RPats? Is this your fault?

She claims to go into “default” mode when working with someone less talented than she:

“Oh yeah. Absolutely. I’m not the type of actor who can perform without wearing a mirror on my face. Everyone knows that you’re better with other actors who are really present, who you are having the same experience with, but I am made or broken on it. If I’m working with someone who I’m not vibing with, or who I have to fake anything with, then it’s sad for me and it’s bad acting.”

So, she’s saying that every single film role she’s ever done, has been done opposite a bad actor? Cuz this bitch sucks in everything.

Britney Britney Britney. Love ain’t your thang, mama, because you’re single again now that former boyfriend David Lucado was caught with his hand on someone else’s Cheetos in a video!

Neither party had any comment on the breakup but Britney did lip-sync a little something while onstage “performing” in Las Vegas.

 “So I know you know my boyfriend cheated on me,” she told the crowd during her Piece of Me show in Las Vegas [on Sunday night], PEOPLE confirms. “But the best thing about being cheated on is I get to go on more first dates.”

And she ALLEGEDLY added: “I need a hot guy. Where are the hot guys here tonight?”

I think the hot guys are staying away from Cheetos singers.

We all know that Lady Gaga copies Madonna, but Madonna copies Cher and Cher copies, well, no one was really here before Cher so maybe Cher is the original?

Anyway. Gaga’s music sounds like Madonna’s music. Gaga looks like Madonna. Gaga dresses like Madonna and, except for the British accent, sounds as full of herself as Madonna.

And, over the years she’s thrown shade at Madge and Madge has doubled down subtly on Ga — I know her so well, it’s just Ga — but now she’s turned up the digs and has taken aim and the Little Monster Queen in a new song all about Gaga.

In a leaked track from her new album, Two Steps Behind Me — it already sounds like a Gaga dig — Madge calls Gaga a ‘copycat’:

‘You’re a copycat, Where is my royalty?

You’re a pretty girl, I’ll give you that.

But stealing my recipe, it’s an ugly look

Did you study me hard enough?

You’re never gonna be, you’re just a wannabe me.

Like a sister all messed-up, who’s gonna help you out?

In your fantasy, you can try it all. But you can’t be me.

You can walk the walk, even talk the talk. But you’ll always be two steps behind me.’

No word on if the song has made the cut, and no word on when Gaga will rip it off and sing it herself.

The Biebs is at it again.

A few weeks ago, he was caught driving on a sidewalk and endangering a disabled woman, and the last week he caused a traffic accident by slamming on his brakes in front of a paparazzo. But his latest case of offensive driving came this past Labor Day weekend when he was arrested — again … who does he think he is … Lohan? — in his hometown, Stratford, Ontario for dangerous driving and assault after ALLEGEDLY slamming his ATV into a minivan driven by a paparazzo.

Naturally, right after these two paparazzi crashes, he Tweeted about how he’s just like Princess Diana in how the photographers follow him, but I still, for the life of me, cannot find the footage of Diana ramming a photographer with her car.

Bieber could be in some serious sizzurp with this latest kerfuffle because he’s still on probation — for the next two years — for Egg Gate. This arrest could trigger a violation and more pictures of Justin crying in a holding cell.

That would almost be worth it. 

So Sherri Shepherd has apparently got the nastiest divorce going … which is no surprise because it was the nastiest marriage going for all of the ten minutes that it lasted.

Sherri used to coo on The View about her boo … how poetic. She was in love, y’all, and they were gonna have a baby via surrogate and life was good. Then the Fifteen Minutes of Marriage to Sherri Clock struck time and the whole shebang was off.

Except then soon-to-be-ex-husband Lamar Sally sued for custody of the as-yet unborn child and Sherri, the good Christian that she is, declared the baby wasn’t hers because they used a surrogate so Lamar could have ‘it’ but she wasn’t paying for ‘it.’

Now, though, it seems Sherri, fired from The View no matter how she spins it, and desperate to start a new career as a cashier at the Dollar General, has offered Lamar $100,000 and $3,000 a month for the baby she doesn’t want any more.

And he said, Uh huh, open up the bank vault because Daddy has a pickup.

Lovely, the way straight people can marry and divorce as though it means nothing, and then treat a child as a dollar sign, or act as if they don’t even want it.

So, the other night, over there to London town, GQ Magazine had their Men of the Year Awards during which they honored Kim Kardastrophe … wait, she’s a man? Well, that explains why Kanye’s so hot for her, or him.

Anyway, even though they had the biggest fame whore in town, the good folks at GQ wanted to hedge their bets and so their invited perennial starlet-drug-addict-criminal Lindsay Lohan to the party and she turned up like white trash in a Hefty bag.

With one request.

It seems that Lohan’s people—who we all know is Dina, sucking the last drops from a box of Franzia chardonnay before drifting off into an Ambien sleep—told the good folks at GQ that Lindsay would be delighted to attend their little soiree if only they would guarantee that there would be no other women at Lohan’s table.

That hooker works alone, y’all.

”Lohan’s people were clear that she wanted to be on a table during the lengthy awards surrounded by men. She gets on better with guys and had spent time putting together a sexy look [that’s it up there and, yeah, not so much sexy as Eva Gabor Grandma] so she wanted to be admired.”

If Lindsay really wanted to be admired she should have winged it over to Los Angeles and attended the LA County Jail Talent Show. She could ‘a been the star at that shindig.

WTF? Madonna

You know, sometimes she dresses like a teenage hooker, and sometimes she dresses like it's still the 1990s--when she was dressing like a teenage hooker.

But, please to explain, why Madonna has chosen to look like she's wearing something she's fished out of a bag I meant to give to Goodwill after my grandmother died ... in 1986?

And do not get me started on the orthopedic footwear.

Random Musings

Out in Indiana, anti-equality GOP Governor Mike Pence — who might make a run at the White House in 2016 — issued a memo ordering state agencies not to recognize the hundreds of same-sex marriages that took place in the brief period when marriage equality was legal and before a stay was ordered.

Asshat. And I cannot wait for what he’ll say, or how he’ll spin it, when the courts order equality to stand. How quickly might he change his tune in his bid at the presidency?

Flip-flopping asshatted tool.

Speaking of marriage ….

Last weekend I updated my Facebook status to tell friends and family that Carlos and I would be getting married this October:

Well, after fourteen looooooooong years together, Carlos and I have decided that, in the words of the immortal Barbra Streisand and Donna Summer, "Enough is enough is enough is enough is enough is enough ... it's enough" and we will be getting married this October. Who would ever saw that coming, eh?

And we received some lovely wishes from friends and family all over the globe, but there was one message that was, well, unexpected and eerie.

I noticed that I had a couple of personal messages and checked them out. One was from a friend just wanting to chat, but the other was just a smiley face ,,, from my sister.

Now, to be clear, the simple smiley face was sent by my sister as a sign-off to a chat we’d had back in December, two months before she passed away; and I had seen it back then, but how wonderfully eerie and sweet that, for whatever reason, it was once again listed as a new message right after I announced that Carlos and I were gettin' hitched?

My big sister is still looking out for me …

Oh geez, won’t this woman ever go away?

It seems that after The View fired Jenny McCarthy and Sherri Shepherd, the Mama Grizzly Bore™ weighed in the topic suggesting that she would be a good addition to the program.

Asked by a reporter — possibly from the lame-stream media she says she loathes — if she had any interest in doing a "political talk show," MGB™ replied, "I hear everyone recently got canned from 'The View,' maybe a show like that needs a punch of reality and a voice of reason from America's heartland to knock some humble sense into their scripts. You know, someone willing to go rogue."

By rogue she means, put the final nail in the coffin of a show that should have died years ago.

I am a goofball. I like to make jokes all the time, about anything and everything; sometimes cute little jokes and sometimes the most offensive things imaginable just to get a reaction out of people.

Carlos, on the other, while he has a fabulous sense of humor, isn’t so keen on being a goofball and the other night I tried to break him out of that shell.

See, there’s a commercial for Tropicana orange juice where you hear Debbie Reynolds and Donald O’Connor sing “Good Mornin’” from  Singing in the Rain  and I always, always, sing along with it, adding some jazz hands for effect.

The other night I asked Carlos to sing it with me and he refused. I begged, pleaded, cajoled, threatened and he still said ‘No.’

I accused him of being uptight, and he uttered, in a somewhat high-pitched voice tinged with an English accent:

“I am not upt-i-i-i-i-ght.”

I said, “Who are you supposed to be? Dame Judy Dench?”

He said, “Maybe.”

I said, “Sounds more like Dame Judy Clench.”

PS I’m still waiting for him to sing to me.

Last week Pope Frankie met with six victims of pedophile priests; his first such meeting since becoming The Head Cheese last year. He said that Catholic bishops "will be held accountable" for failing to protect children from sexual abuse, but made no move as to how this would work, leading many, including myself, to think this was just a media moment and means nothing in the long run.

Sure, I’m cynical about the Catholic Church protecting children from priests who rape them, but that’s because they haven’t shown any action at all in that area. It’s all lip service, though I am hoping Pope Frankie proves me wrong.

Madonna was called to jury duty this week in New York and appeared an hour late — some say she was told to show up late to avoid the crowds and the sensation that a fading pop singer who fails to act her age, might receive.

Madge, who had been excused in May thanks to a doctor’s note :::coughcough::: plastic surgeon :::coughcough:::  was surrounded by her security team as she entered the clerk’s office and not the regular jury assembly room. She was immediately excused because there were ‘ample jurors’ and she was also bypassed because her presence was causing a commotion.

Watch licking her armpits again? Calling her son the N-word? Posting a dozen or some Photoshopped pictures to Instagram? Because that would be Madge on jury duty; it would be all about her.

So, I watched some of the World Cup these past weeks, though without the fervor of most in the world, and many in this country; I do, however like, all the man-on-man groping and kissing and tugging down of the shorts, making the games seem almost soft-core porn.

Speaking of which …

I often caught ESPN’s panel of experts talking about the games and the winners and losers and there, right in the middle, was one gorgeous man, whom I assumed, because of his coloring was Latino—and you all know how I feel about the Hispanic Mens.

Michael Ballack was his name, and he was a former soccer player from Germany. Yes, he looks Hispanic but he’s German.

And oh so delicious.

Enough with the actual games, give me more recaps.

Julie Bindel — don’t worry, I never heard of her either — wrote a book called  Straight Expectations in which she argues that sexual orientation is a choice.

Well, except for her, I guess, because she said this …

“All I know is I’ve never been convinced by a scientific argument, or seen any evidence that is compelling that there is something innate about our sexuality. What I’m suggesting is, there are people who could go one way or the other and happily choose to be lesbian or gay.”

And then she said this about her choosing to be gay …

“Because I needed to leave home – there was nothing there for me in Darlington – and pursue my feminist possibilities, that meant starting a new life and all that was open to me. I fell in with a crowd [in Leeds] who spoke about lesbianism as part of women’s liberation. I never chose to be attracted to women.”

Huh. So she says I chose to be gay because there is no proof that it could be any other way and then says she didn’t choose it at all.

Siddown asshat.

District Court Judge C. Scott Crabtree on Wednesday ruled that Colorado’s 2006 voter-approved ban violates the state and federal constitutions. He immediately put his ruling on hold pending an appeal.

Welcome to equality Colorado.

The march goes on …

This one makes me laugh … because, well, dumb.

Liberal Democratic Russian Parliament Member Roman Khudyakov has asked Russia’s Central Bank to change the 100 ruble note because, according to him, it “clearly” shows Apollo’s genitals and that runs afoul of Russia’s ban on exposing children to The Gays.

Khudyakov  complained that “intimate parts of the body” were visible on the banknote, which he says should have an “18+” rating under the anti-gay law.

I thought this was the height of stupidity, thinking that a statue on a piece of money would make the children gay but then I learned that in 2011 the real statue of Apollo, at the Bolshoi Theatre in Moscow, was also censored when the exposed genitals were covered by a fig leaf.

Khudyakov doesn’t seem to think that Apollo’s microscopic penis on the currency might encourage lesbians to go straight.

Seriously.