I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Paris Hilton is still around, and apparently still buying tiny animals. See, back in September she paid some $13,000 for a Pomeranian puppy that will never weigh more than 2 pounds that she named Prince Hilton the Pom.

But he’s now at full-weight, so Paris needed a new tiny animal to carry around, not like a living thing, but like an accessory … a ring … a coke spoon … something, so she purchased two more dogs — one for her and one for her mom — for $25,000, and named her dog, Princess Paris Jr.

Ritzy name for a tiny dog that will probably be used as some kind of drug mule.

Note to Paris: I bet you could buy a nice dog for, oh say, $500 and then give $24,500 to charity? That thought ever cross your min — oh, never mind.

After The Sony Hack revealed the ugly truth about unequal pay for women in Hollywood, Charlize Theron decided enough was enough, and is insisting that she be paid the same as Chris Hemsworth in their upcoming movie, “The Huntsman” the sequel to Snow White and The Huntsman—which, I guess means Kristen Stewart, who played … and this makes me giggle … Snow White, won’t be back … halleloo!

Back to Charlize, who demanded the same ten million as Chris, saying she has a great track record. Um, okay, did anyone mention Aeon Flux or A Million Ways to Die in the West or Prometheus or Young Adult or Brandon Flowers: Crossfire or Astro Boy or The Road or The Burning Plain or Hancock or Sleepwalking or Battle in Seattle or North Country or Head in the Clouds or The Life and Death of Peter Sellers?

Great track record? Charlize, honey, who are you kidding. I’d pay ten million to see Chris Hemsworth walk across my living room in a fig leaf, but I wouldn’t pay ten bucks to see you ‘act.’

Just sayin’.

Oh goodness, that Kim Kardastrophe never fails to make everything about her.

Last week she and the Mad Man were finally together for a weekend in the Big Apple and celebrated John Legend’s birthday with him.

This picture is how Kim wished her friend a happy birthday: by placing her augmented boobs front and center and shoving the birthday boy to one side where he was almost cropped out.

Big ass, Big Head.

Swifty was at the Globes this week because, well, there are men there and she needs a new boyfriend and some material for new songs, so she wriggled into a gown and off she went.

And she hit the after-parties with new BFF Lorde. But one person she wasn’t counting on seeing … right, Taylor … was Golden Globe nominee and her ex-boyfriend, he of the classic Swifty tune, You’re No Jake, You’re A Rake Who Breaks My Heart, Jake Gyllenhaal.

And Swifty apparently had a meltdown because Jake was in the same room, and was dancing with Rita Ora and then with actress … I dunno who she is … Malin Akerman, then his sister, and then his co-star in Constellations on Broadway, Ruth Wilson.

This apparently sent Swifty into a spiral and an eyewitness — perhaps Lohan, drunk under a bar or something — said, “I saw her grab her friend’s hand and repeat, ‘We have to go. We have to go.’”

The source says Swifty scurried off to the bathroom, where she ran into BFFs Cara Delevingne, Dakota Johnson, and … oopsy … Rita Ora:

“The four girls were together and Taylor was having a mini meltdown. Cara’s arm was around Taylor, calming her down as Rita looked on. They were talking extremely closely.”

She left the bathroom and wandered around the lobby for a hot minute — her makeup smudged — before she and Cara sat on a bench out front.

Oh Swifty? Didn’t you date Jake about ten years ago? I mean, he might have seen you and wondered who you were and why they let an underage girl into the party.

But at least you’ll have something to write in your diary, and a new song to pop out like a bad case of diarrhea.

So, Kirstie Alley is thin again, y’all and has been making the rounds to promote Jenny Craig … again. She went on Howard Stern’s show and talked Jenny … and a lot of stuff jenny may not have wanted her to talk about.

:::cough Scientology ::: cough ::: Leah Remini :::: cough :::

She declared that she is now something called an OT Level VII Scientologist which means no one audits Kirstie, Kirstie audits herself; and also meaning she’s nearly as high-up as Top Tiny Scientologist Tom Cruise, who is at Level VIII. I think Level VII is the Certifiably Insane Level. ALLEGEDLY.

Kirstie also threw shade at old pal, and former Scientologist, Leah Remini. Remini famously left the COS in 2013 after filing a missing persons report for COS head honcho David Miscavige’s wife, Shelley. The report went nowhere because Miscavige was able to halt the investigation by the LAPD and Kirstie went after Leah, though she’s always denied that allegation:

“She left the religion and she was very critical. That’s just sort of water under the bridge. There’s nothing going on and there was nothing going on for years. I didn’t shun her, but if a lot of people are rejecting you, at some point you gotta ask, ‘What am I doing?’ I mean, that’s what I would have asked myself.”

She didn’t shun Leah but a lot of people did? Uh huh. And if a lot of people shun you does that mean you needed to be shunned, or does it mean that a cult wants to distance itself from a member who broke away.

I’d wait for Kristie’s response, but she’s having a sammich and one does not disturb Kirstie when she’s with a sammich.

So, does JLo have a new much younger boyfriend, or is she just dating her The Boy Next Door co-star Ryan Guzman until the movie comes out and bombs and then she’ll dump him?

I mean, she did bring him as her Plus One to the Globes and the two posed together on the carpet, and she introduced him to everybody. And he’d be perfect for her because he’s twenty-seven to her forty-five, so he’s still in Son of JLo age range.

But, is it just me or is something pinging about Guzman? I mean, JLo allegedly has a habit of going for The Gays.

Right, Casper?

Did y’all see Justin Bieber’s Calvin Klein ads where he’s trying to Marky Mark his way into our hearts?

Not working because, even though Marky Mark was kind of a dangerous, criminal type, Justin is more of an egg-tossing, drag-racing wannabe, so, yeah, there’s that.

There is also the fact that the ads were photoshopped to bulk up Bieber’s pecs and crotch, and even though the photos are out there, The Biebs and his team are in suing mode ore anyone who says the ad isn’t all Bieber.

In fact, Team Bieber sent a cease and desist letter to the website that first posted the ALLEGED un-retouched Calvin Klein photo, asking to have the photo removed. His people say the photo isn’t real and, darn it, the picture made Justin cry so y’all just stop it. Now.

On a sicker note, Team Bieber even had Bieber’s personal trainer, Patrick Nilsson, give a statement on how big the Bieber junk is:

“I can definitely confirm that he is a well-endowed guy.”

Wait. A guy is talking Bieber junk? Couldn’t they get a stripper to confirm it? Or Selena Gomez?

Just sayin’.

More trouble over there at The View and this time it isn’t about Whoopi and Rosie O trying to wrestle control over the show from the other.

This time word on the street is that Rosie Perez will soon be out. Or that she’s already gone because she was just sick of that whole toxic environment.

Perez hasn’t been on The View all month because she’s ALLEGEDLY been busy rehearsing the Broadway play Fish in the Dark; Rosie O has been saying that Perez will be out for the rest of the month but will be back next month, though sources — and it could be Lohan angling for a TV gig — say that isn’t going to happen. That source says Rosie P “never got a hang of the show’s mixture of hard and soft news” and she has trouble reading the TelePrompTer … ouch … though a spokeswhore for ABC — and that could be Barbara Walters — says:

 “Rosie Perez is currently in rehearsal for her Broadway play for the month of January. Her status with the show has not changed.”

There is also a rumor that ABC is gonna kill The View to add another hour to the far more popular, and less drama-filled, Good Morning America.

That I can see.

Let’s finish with more Biebs … During his vacation in Turks and Caicos, Justin Bieber ran into Rolling Stone Keith Richards. Justin, who figures himself rock royalty, wandered over to Keith’s table for a drink when, according to a source — possibly Selena Gomez hiding under the table to measure Justin’s, er, inseam, for a tabloid — says:

 “Justin tried to bro down with him.”

To which Richards ALLEGEDLY — though I believe it — said:

“Let’s get one thing straight. You’re a wannabe.”

Better than another group this week, a conservative political group that mistook Justin Bieber for Miley Cyrus.

That’s seriously happened.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

So, Michael Strahan, ex-football player and co-host of Live with Kelly and Michael, and his fiancé of seven years have split up … and not without the drama, you know, because Nicole, formerly married to Eddie Murphy, knows all about divorce, and she announced the split mere hours before Strahan’s induction into the NFL Hall of Fame.

Sources say Nicole wanted to dampen Strahan's weekend because the breakup occurred when Michael wouldn’t marry Nicole without a prenup — she took Eddie for a load of dough in that divorce and maybe Michael was being cautious?

Other sources say Nicole is a woman scorned because she ALLEGEDLY got wind that Michael might be dating another woman in early July and started investigating and when she was convinced it was true she went public with it instantly … the night he was inducted to the Hall of Fame.

Shade.

Nicole insists her timing wasn’t out of revenge, rather a total coincidence because that’s when she knew for sure. It just happened to come precisely when Michael was getting the greatest honor of his career.

Shady.

I’ve heard this story many times before, but this new wrinkle is so high-larious it bears talking about.

Lindsay Lohan has had more than her fair share of drama, including six, or is it seven, court-ordered visits to rehab, many arrests and several days spent in jail, so now she wants to put pen to paper and tell her side of the story because , well, girl needs coins.

Lohan has been holding meetings — apparently on yachts and in night clubs because that’s the only place anyone ever sees her — with publishing houses to discuss her tell-all book, and promised not to hold back on any detail, like dishing about that F**k Buddy List, and her drug use, her alcohol addiction, her need to lie, her criminal past, her rehab stays, her wack-a-doo family, and, oh yeah, her career.

But the high-larious part is that Lindsay knows she cannot actually write a whole book — it’s unclear if she could even read a whole book — and has let it slip that she would like her book ghostwritten by either Fifty Shades of Grey author E.L. James or Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling.

Lindsay Lohan actually thinks either one of these writers would ghostwrite the memoirs of a drug addicted has-been? High-larious, I say, high-larious.

Harry Potter and The Prisoner of LA County Jail?

Fifty Shades of Cray Cray?

This breaks my heart … sarcasm … but Kate Gosselin and her bodyguard/lover/confidante Steve Neild have split up.

Back in 2008, TLC, hired Steve to protect the Gosselin 8, AKA Kate’s paycheck, while filming of the craptastic Jon & Kate Plus 8, but Kate wanted Steve all to herself because, well, famewhore and needy bitch.

And that’s when the rumors that Kate and Steve were doing the nasty started, and when Kate’s marriage fell apart … cheating does that sometimes. After that, Kate and Steve were inseparable, and he spent more time “guarding” her body than watching the children, even his own kids. In fact, as recently as last Spring Kate and Steve shared a hotel room while she filmed Celebrity Apprentice and the kids were … where were the kids? Kate? Kate? Anyone?

And I guess that’s what finally ticked off Steve’s wife — oh, yeah, he’s married — Gina, who, after watching Kate and Steve globetrot and hold hands and act all gooey in public for six years, decided it was time to give him an ultimatum: Kate or her.

And Steve dumped Kate faster than her TV audience when they realized she’s a famewhoring horrible mother.

Karma.Bitch.

So, I still giggle at the idea of Orlando Bloom throwing a punch at Justin Bieber in that Ibiza nightclub, but what brings a smile to my face is the fact that most people, and many celebrities, applauded the Bieber Almost-Smackdown.

A bunch of famous whores, including Leonardo DiCaprio, Diddy and Lindsay Lohan — well, famous and whores — were at Cipriani’s that night when the star of the football team tried to smack down the boy cheerleader, and they all took their places on Team Orly.

A witness tells it like this:

“Justin said something when he came in which was aimed at Orlando, who then jumped onto a sofa to try and get at Justin. When Orlando punched Bieber, everyone started clapping. Lindsay was laughing. It was amazing. The whole table he and DiCaprio were on were clapping. Afterwards, I don’t know if people were congratulating Orlando or trying to calm him down. When security saw that when they got separated, Bieber and Orlando tried to punch each other again, security were like, ‘Bieber came, Bieber provoked this fight’, so they took his hands behind his back and took him away from the restaurant.”

Leo actually clapped after seeing the missed punch — even though rumor has it he also bedded Orlando’s ex-wife Miranda Kerr — and Lindsay Lohan laughed.

Here’s the deal: if Lindsay Lohan thinks you’re a pathetic loser, you’re a pathetic loser. Justin.

And that’s what makes me laugh.

Lord, I love a feud, especially between a dancer and a zaftig Scientologist.

It seems Dancing With The Stars [?] resident dancing machine Maksim Chmerkovskiy threw some mighty shade at his former pal Kirstie Alley on an episode of Watch What Happens Live — where most great feuds star … ask a housewife — during a call-in segment when he was asked if Kirstie ever tried to indoctrinate him into Scientology.

He said No, but then host Andy Cohen asked if he gets along well with Kirstie and Maks said:

“Until recently. She stopped getting along with me. I think the world of her. I’m not judging people by their religion. I’m Jewish, and you know, I don’t really believe in science fiction, but whatever. We had a great relationship. I thought we had a great relationship, and if it was something else or not, I don’t know. But I got a message that now that I’m associating with other people that she can’t be associated with, I am no longer to be spoken with, and sorry, but that is what it is.”

Now, Maks didn’t name names but it was clear he was speaking about former DWTS alum, and former Scientologist, and former Alley friend, Leah Remini, who escaped Scientology and has been the subject of Alley’s scorn and twitter-fight ever since.

But why is Maks suddenly so friendly with Leah and not with Kirstie? Glad you asked.

Well, he is ALLEGEDLY banging JLo like a sledgehammer and JLo is besties with Leah. So, to make JLo happy, and keep that ass within reach, he’s moved on from Kirstie to Leah.

Sounds about right. Lotsa folks would shun their families to bump uglies with JLo; hell, lotsa folks have.

And let’s end with a sweet story about a celebrity …

Chris Pratt, star of the new mega-hit Guardians of the Galaxy recently gave an interview where he spoke about his son with wife Anna Fairs being born premature and how much it scared him that the boy might not live.

So, now Chris is hoping that his GotG Star-Lord character becomes a hero to children because he wants to dress up as Star-Lord to visit sick kids in the hospital. And he's already planned on doing so, in character:

 “I stole the jacket and some of the wardrobe so that, if this movie comes out and does what everyone hopes it can, I can follow the example of someone — say, like, a Russell Wilson [QB for the Seattle Seahawks] – and go visit kids. If it was a big enough movie to where it would mean something to a kid who’s sick in the hospital for Peter Quill or Star-Lord to come visit them, I’ll do that. … Right now, it means high profile, cool jobs coming up, big press tour, and all the excitement of it all. But none of that really means anything. The coolest things would be that my son can one day see this, and that maybe I can go affect some kids in a positive way; be a good role model for them.”

Excuse me; I have something in my eye ….

Sidenote:

If I get sick, could someone have Chris come to my house dressed like this: