I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

For this year, the 20th anniversary of her Christmas anthem, All I Want For Christmas Is You, Mariah Carey was set to perform the tune on NBC’s Christmas show where they light up that big ass dead tree at Rockefeller Center. But Mimi was so over-stuffed with drama — and overstuffed in that red sequined gown — that the folks at NBC were not having it.

On the night of the taping, Mariah, the Mutha of All Divas — take note Ariana — kept her fans waiting in the freezing rain at Rockefeller Center for over three hours because, she says, she’d been on a conference call with Nick Cannon over their impending divorce and child custody agreement. Uh huh. I think a huge sammich is what kept her home, but, again, that’s just me.

Carey had a 7PM call time to pre-tape the song and was also scheduled to tape a promo at 9PM that would have featured her riding in a horse and carriage on Fifth Avenue, for which NBC had a permit to close traffic lanes. By the time she showed up at 10:30PM, NBC was so incensed that they told her to go home, mainly because what’s left of her fans, who’d been given free tickets to support the 20th anniversary of AIWFCIY, had already left and the crew had packed up all their equipment.

Carey tweeted on Wednesday, “Last night’s situation was beyond my control. I apologize to all that showed up, you know that I would never want to disappoint you.”

Uh huh. So Carey was forced to perform live on Wednesday and if you’d seen the video, well, you’d know she was awful; she was Whitney Houston On Her Last Tour awful; sour notes, flat notes, and no notes at all.

Do I think Mariah Carey had a scheduled phone meeting with Nick and his lawyers at the very moment she was supposed to be pre-recording a performance for TV? No, I do not. Mimi is coming apart at the seams faster than Mimi in a too-tight evening gown.

Girl needs to settle.

I really can’t with Tori Spelling. I mean, she was married, went away to film some piece of Lifetime crap with the also married Dean McDermott, and then banged him. He left his wife, she left her husband, they began spitting out babies and allowing all of it to be filmed for “reality” TV.

Then, big surprise, Dean cheated on Tori. Huh? A cheater cheated? Show of hands, or hand, of the one person besides Tori who didn’t see that coming. Right.

Now, the media whore that is Whori Tori has released her family’s 2014 holiday card — possibly because a paycheck was involved — and has been trying to sell it everywhere, saying:

“We’re back together as a family and we’re working on building that family dynamic back and making it stronger than it was before, so it was important to me that we mark this because it’s a milestone year for us.”

Then she appears on her “reality” show and trashes her husband, but that’s another paycheck.

Now, in order to create a new storyline, Tori is thinking of having her breasts augmented, again, and mulling over a facelift and fillers. Why? Because she feels bad about Dean cheating on her and nothing says I feel better like new titties and a high, tight face filled with plastic and injectibles.

And, I imagine, it will all be done for free, because of the publicity she’ll give the doctor on her TV show, and then she’ll get a paycheck for showing the procedure on television.

Once a whore …

Quick Bite: Rumor has it that Ariana Grande Latte’s newest diva demand is that, when she’s too tired to walk all by her wee self, she must be carried like a toddler.

 “Her new rule is that she has to be carried — literally carried like a baby — when she doesn’t feel like walking. She says that she doesn’t want her precious feet to hit the floor,” says a source—possibly Mimi, eating a sammich on the set—who witnessed the 21-year-old get a lift from her staff while filming her latest music video and again at rehearsals for the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.

Maybe someone should just put Ariana in a handbag and carry her around like a Pocket Dog.

When Real Housewives of New Jersey’s Teresa and Joe Giudice were sentenced to prison after pleading guilty to numerous counts of federal fraud, the judge cited multiple inconsistencies between their 2009 bankruptcy filing and the assets they listed in court documents ... like not declaring cars, ATVs, jewelry, purses and designer goods.

Teresa, who was always on TV pulling a wad of bills out of her purse to pay thousands of dollars for the stuff, claimed, in court, that her jewelry was all costume and worthless, while Joe claimed that he was listing the current resale value of purchased goods and that their value had decreased since the 2009 fraudulent bankruptcy. Scam artists will do that, you know.

Teresa's excuse, though, is that she never read anything Joe gave her to sign — possibly because she doesn’t know how to read, and just signed the papers with a paw print — and that she never understood that her plea deal could involve jail time.

She.Didn’t.Know.A.Plea.Deal.Meant.Jail.Time? Of course not, because she’s as dumb as a box of rocks, except now she's suing her bankruptcy attorney for $5 million saying he botched the filing which resulted in her having to go to prison. You know, not because she’s a criminal or anything. And she’s still claiming that age-old, I didn’t know what I was signing argument, which, as we saw, didn’t work with the judge in her first case and hopefully won’t work with the judge in this lawsuit.

She’s a criminal, her husband’s a criminal and they got caught and she wants to play the Stupid Card? Well, we know she’s stupid, but she was just stupid enough to commit all sorts of fraud because it made her life look good for TV.

Teresa has to blame someone and she can’t hook this on Caroline or Jacqueline so …

Quick Bite: Lindsay Lohan has launched a unisex clothing line called My Addiction. Are the clothes made entirely of booze and pills and tween boys? 

Just sayin’.

Now, let’s check in again with those Fighting Exes Gabriel Aubry and Halle Berry.

Last month, Halle lab tested some hair she yanked out of her daughter, Nahla’s, hairbrush and dragged Gabriel into court to accuse him of dying and chemically straightening the girl's hair. Gabriel denied it, as well as denying allegations that he was trying to make Nahla “more white” — another one of Halle’s accusations; he says Nahla's straightened hair is the result of her asking him to blow dry it for her, and not because he wants to change her appearance because he worries she’ll start looking as crazy as Halle.

Of course, you just know that Halle will once again drag Gabriel to court and charge him with Dryer Damaging Nahla’s Hair and seek to reduce his child support because of it.

Meanwhile, Nahla has a calendar on the all, counting down the days until she’s eighteen and finally be rid of these tow morons.

Drake isn’t having the best week. First, his frenemy Chris Brown claims Drake hooked up with Brown’s on-again-off-again-on-again-off-again-whatever girlfriend, Karrueche Tran, which is the reason Brown dumped her, though he has since re-hooked up with Tran so … whatever. But now Drake and P. Diddy, er Puff Daddy, er, Puffy, er, Sean John, er, Sean Combs, er, whoever he is today, got into a fistfight in Miami over the weekend.

They were celebrating DJ Khaled’s birthday and got into it after Drake ALLEGEDLY said something “nasty” to Diddy’s girlfriend, Diddy attacked Drake, sending him to the hospital with a dislocated shoulder.

Now, DJ Sam Sneak tweeted that Diddy and Drake were not fighting over a girl, but were arguing over the rights to a song, with Diddy claiming claimed that Drake was using music without the proper rights.

A girl or a song, these are two grown assed men acting like some Real Housewives wannabes, snatching at each other’s hair in a nightclub. Drake should stick to banging Brown’s girls because I think he could take Brown in a fight, and 45-year-old … forty-five-year-old … Diddy should just go home; his fifteen minutes were up when JLo dumped him.

Okay, someone will pay for this, and that someone is Scott Rudin.

Now pay attention, because it gets complicated: they’re making another Steve Jobs bio-pic because that Ashton Kutcher one was so successful. The script was written by A-list Aaron Sorkin and to be directed by A-list David Fincher, though now Danny Boyle is attached as director. Sony had the property for a while, but it ended up going over to Universal a few months ago. It was supposed to be a big, prestigious award-bait film for Sony, with mega-producer Scott Rudin attached to produce and now he's pissed he didn't get it.

Okay, up to speed? Well, while the film was at Sony, the studio's online database was hacked and emails between Rudin and Sony co-chairperson Amy Pascal were released and most of it is Rudin bitching out Pascal because she won’t free up director David Fincher for the Jobs film.

Fincher was thinking of directing Angelina Jolie in Cleopatra, and Angie hoped the Cleo script would be ready soon because she wanted Fincher to direct. Well, Pascal was using that as an excuse to NOT hire Fincher for the Jobs film. And so that got Rudin's knickers twisted and so he shot off an email — note the all-caps shouting: 

“YOU BETTER SHUT ANGIE DOWN BEFORE SHE MAKES IT VERY HARD FOR DAVID TO DO JOBS. There is no movie to be made (and how that is a bad thing given the insanity and rampaging spoiled ego of this woman and the cost of the movie is beyond me) and if you won’t tell her that you do not like the script…

I’m not destroying my career over a minimally talented spoiled brat who thought nothing of shoving this off her plate for eighteen months so she could go direct a movie. I have no desire to be making a movie with her, or anybody, that she runs and that we don’t. She’s a camp event and a celebrity and that’s all and the last thing anybody needs is to make a giant bomb with her that any fool could see coming. 

I’m also happy to say all of this to Angie directly as I have no need to keep her happy."

Yeah, I bet he’d say that to Angie’s face and I bet she’d take him down like a large clumsy cow.

Rule #! In Hollywood: don’t besmirch Angie.

Last I heard Scot Rudin was attached to a barista job at Starbucks in the Sherman Oaks Galleria.

Okay we started with Mariah Carey Diva, and so we’ll end with someone who makes Mimi look like a nun, and that someone is Korean Air executive Heather Cho. Yeah, I’ve never heard of her either, but that didn’t stop her from going all Joan-Crawford-Mariah-Carey recently, and it goes like this …

Heather Cho, VP of Korean Air and daughter of the airline’s chairman, was forced to resign as head of in-flight service when a flight was held up because of her arrogant antics.

Before that Korean Air flight from JFK to Incheon, Korea took off last week, Heather Cho was sitting in the first class section when a flight attendant served her macadamia nuts … in a bag … and Cho went apeshit, acting like she’d been asked to take a seat in the cargo hold.

Heather Cho instantly fired that flight attendant and demanded that the cabin crew chief be brought to her, possibly in chains, I don’t know. But Cho asked the cabin crew chief if the flight attendant had ever read the in-flight service manual, because if they did they would know that macadamia nuts should be served in.a.dish, not in.a.bag. Cho then instructed the cabin crew chief to grab the manual and read the nut-handling guidelines to her.

Now, to be fair, I do have my own nut-handling guide, but I think it’s a different kind of nut … just saying.

But the cabin crew chief couldn’t find the in-flight service manual, and Cho then kicked him off the plane, after forcing the captain to take the plane back to the gate.

After Cho went nuts over nuts, she resigned from her position as executive of in-flight service, though she’s still VP of the company because Daddy is the boss. Cho also released her own stamen, saying she was just hurt because, she says, she’d been on a conference call with Nick Cannon over their impending divorce and child custody agreement … oh wait that was that other diva; Cho said:

“I am sorry to our customers and the Korean people that I unintentionally caused social uproar and I ask forgiveness from anyone who has been hurt by me. I take responsibility for the incident.”

Social uproar because the nuts were in a bag? Bitch please. And now South Korea’s Transport Ministry has launched an investigation into whether or not Heather Cho violated the Aviation Safety Law which states that passengers should not cause disturbances of any kind. If they discover that she did violate the Aviation Safety Law, she could face up to 10 years in prison … where she will no doubt find her nuts in a bag.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Most of us have known for years that Justin Bieber is a douche, but it’s only been about a week since we also learned he's a racist douche after not one, but two, and some say many more, videos have dropped showing him to be a lover of the N-word and the KKK.

Well, his peeps have a plan to save Justin's career, and, of course, their paychecks: have him baptized in a bathtub.

Oh, but they did. Pastor Carl Lentz — who works with Bieber in NYC — spent a week doing intense Bible study with Justin last month, focusing on studying Bible passages and attending services … culminating in an actual baptism performed in the bathtub of a friend.

Why a bathtub?  JB previously checked out a bunch of churches for the dip — but his cover was blown every time and he wanted to keep the whole thing private. Plus, you know, he really needed a bath.

Jennifer Lopez and Casper Smart were never going to last, and after the latest rumors about Casper’s sexting affair with transsexual model Sofie Viss, there was no way it could continue.

But the funny thing is that, though the story of Casper's dalliances with transsexual model's broke just last week, JLo is trying to tell us that the couple broke up a month-and-a-half ago, you know, so it doesn't look like her Little Boy cheated on her. But, um, he went to a photo shoot with Jell-O just last week and is still living in the manse, so, yeah, lie.

I mean, how could anyone cheat on JLo when that's what she does? It's a shame, though, that her book on love will be coming out now that she's a single gal on the block.

Oops, i typed too soon, because it seems now that JLO might already be dating dancer Maksim Chmerkovskiy who is amazingly only ten years younger than Jell-O.

So, perhaps the Biggest Media Whore™ in the world isn't named Kardastrophe, or called That Woman, after all. No, the Biggest Media Whore™ of all time has to be Tori Spelling.

First we had the reality series about Tori and Dean cranking out babies after they met and banged in Canada while away from their respective spouses. Then we had Tori doing a reality show about opening a business, moving from LA, buying a house in LA, which all lead up to the inevitable Tori Spelling reality show about her cheating husband cheating on her and their subsequent attempts to stay together.

That series ended and not it appears that the Biggest Media Whore™ and her lapdog husband want to do a reality show about how they found their way back to one another and will renew their wedding vows on, where else, reality TV followed by another Reality TV Baby.

Biggest Media WhoriTori. Cue vomit.

So, those crazy kids Antonio Banderas and Melanie Griffith, who also met while cheating on their spouses some twenty years ago, have called an end to their eighteen-year marriage. 

Is it because Melanie spends more time in rehab and a plastic surgeons office than at home, or is it because Antonio suffers from WPS, Wandering Penis Syndrome?

Whatever .. they are both spinning the “We have thoughtfully and consensually decided to finalize our almost twenty years marriage in a loving and friendly manner honoring and respecting each other, our family and friends and the beautiful time we have spent together.”

If it's all so lovely and sweet and friendly, why divorce? Oh yeah, rehab, Botox, schtupping.

Halle Berry has been court-ordered to pay $16,000 a month in child support to her first Baby Daddy, Gabriel Aubry, and the world is going crazy.

Why? Because a woman is paying child support. But Halle makes much more money than Aubrey and if little Nahla is expected to continue to live the life of luxury her mama provides, then she needs that same lifestyle with daddy.

It's only fair; if Aubrey was the money man in that relationship, he'd be coughing up the dough and no one would care, so it’s only right that Halle write the checks until Nahla turns 19, or graduates high school.

And by then Halle will also be paying child support to ex-husband and baby Daddy Two, Olivier Martinez.

Remember watching Lindsay Lohan on her reality show docu-series and listening to her talk about how her family is the most important thing in her life? Well, I do, but apparently Lindsay herself has forgotten.

See, it seems Lindsay's youngest brother, Dakota, was graduating from high school recently and Lindsay couldn't be bothered to attend because she's busy filming her comeback appearing on a cheap sitcom partying in London.

In fact, rather than celebrate her brother's transition from high school to college--something Lindsay knows nothing about--she's been posting pictures of her London rampages from party to party, pipe to pipe.

Of course, Dakota's daddy, the patriarch of crazy, Michael Lohan, also skipped the event, though he had a better excuse; he needed to stay in Florida and babysit his kids because their mother is in jail.

Does Hallmark make a card for that?

Khloe Kardashian has been laying low since The Pre-Divorce Ceremony of Kim and Kanye, but one thing she has done is take to Instagram post a picture of brother Rob and herself as children and bemoan his absence from the family, saying:

 “I miss my best friend @robkardashian.”

Rob, though, will never see it, because right after he fled Italy, before The Pre-Divorce Ceremony, he either got into a fight with Kim because she said he's fat or got into a fight with That Woman because she thinks he's a disgrace to the family since he doesn't whore himself out at every turn.

I think he's looking like the only smart one in that whole Klan.

Michael Jackson‘s kids — Paris, Prince and Blanket — were never going to be short on cash, we all knew that. They were born rich and they’ll die rich, er, richer, because Jacko is now worth more dead than he ever was alive and his children reap the benefits by having an allowance of $8 million dollars a years, with an additional $20,000 per month of "walking around money."

Yes, that's what I said. And what do they spend it on?

Prince spent $50,000 on custom-made jewelry for three of his girlfriends, plus $40,000 on a new Ford pick-up truck. But he'S desperate to save money so he can buy back Daddy's Neverland Ranch, currently in control of creditors, for the asking price of $35 million.

Paris also spends money on hangers-on friends, but a large chunk of her money goes toward her continuing stay at a therapeutic boarding school, following last year’s suicide attempt. 

Blanket takes his cousins to expensive dinners and movies at a cost of $500-per-person-per-night plus tip; he also spends $200 an hour for karate lessons and a personal trainer.

All three offspring take three vacations a year, totaling $350,000 including first-class airfare and security; in Hawaii, they stay in a $5,500-per-night suite; in Vegas, they rent the Bellagio’s penthouse suite for 5K per night.

Sheesh. My allowance barely covered Gummy Bears, but you just know these three kids will turn out normal. I mean, they have the examples of LaToya and Jermaine to follow, right?

So, Lea Michele has moved on after the drug overdose of former co-star and boyfriend Cory Monteith. But has she chosen wisely? You be the judge.

She has been secretly dating a man named Matthew Paetz for a few months. He's rather good-looking and often works as a model, which Lea must like, but I wonder how much she knows about his other job as an escort?

On his Facebook profile, Paetz lists his occupation as a “certified life coach, dating expert and massage therapist” — whatever that means — but on his escort page on Cowboys 4 Angels, where he goes by the name of “Christian”, his occupation is listed as “Straight Male Escort For Women – Male Companion For Women”.

But maybe now that he's hooked himself a real star Paetz has taken a hiatus from being a Cowboy for an Angel.

So, it was only a month or so ago that serial gambler Ben Affleck was caught counting cards at the Hard Rock Casino in Vegas and ejected, though, to be fair, he was subsequently invited back.

But now he's in Detroit filming Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice and spends a great deal of time over the border at the Caesars Windsor Hotel and Casino in Windsor, Ontario and he's taken the card counting act on the road and was promptly kicked out again.

An eyewitness — and I'd say it was Lohan if she wasn't drunk and bobbing up and down on the Thames about now — says, “Ben walked in and went straight to the card games. His hair was a disaster, and he looked like a mess! He sat down and played for roughly 20 minutes before security heard he was there. They made the dealers stop what they were doing and asked him to leave. Ben seemed pretty mad.”

Mad? At being caught counting cards again? Affleck needs to find a new shtick, like, oh, I dunno, going home to his family after work?

There’s a saying that goes Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned and that appeared to be true this week when Kanye West, after Jay Z and Beyoncé skipped out on his Pre-Divorce Ceremony, omitted Jay Z’s name from all of his lyrics during his recent performance at Austin’s X Music festival.

It was first noted by a concert-goer, who goes by the tag ‘okstatetw,’ on an online forum Kanye to the (via Consequence of Sound) who noticed something peculiar about Kanye’s rap: “First time he [skipped Jay Z's name], I [thought], ‘Ehh that’s odd, maybe he’s just letting the crowd finish it whatever.’ Then [Kanye] skipped his name again … Definitely obvious and intentional.”

And Okstatetw posted two videos of Kanye onstage and the change in lyrics:  “Lucky I ain’t had Jay drop him from the team” was rapped as “Lucky I ain’t had … drop him from the team.”

In the song Blood on the Leaves, the recorded version says: “I don’t give a damn if you used to talk to Jay Z / He ain’t with you, he with Beyoncé, you need to stop actin’ lazy”.  In concert, though, Kanye again left out Jay Z’s name and revised that last line to say: “You need to stop actin’ crazy!”

Like I said, Hell hath no fury …