I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

So, Katherine Heigl’s new political thriller — that I kind of think of as Homeland without great scripts or great acting — State of Affairs premiered last Monday to so-so reviews and so-so ratings; it was solidly bested by Gotham,  a much better show in my mind. But this isn’t about he soon to crash-and-burn Heigl experiment, but about Heigl herself.

During the press tour she had to answer all kinds of questions about her Grey’s Anatomy diva behavior — she left the show because she thought she was bigger than TV … cut to a few years later and look who’s back on the tube — and the fact that she talked smack about Shonda Rimes, creator of Grey's. Shonda hasn’t been a fan since Heigl removed herself from Emmy consideration in 2008 because she felt Shonda’s scripts weren’t good enough to be Emmy-worthy.

I know, bitch, right?

So, when the news broke that Heigl was back on TV Rimes was asked about the differences between Grey's Anatomy and Scandal, and she said:

“There are no Heigls in this situation… I don’t put up with bullshi–t or nasty people. I don’t have time for it.” 

Now Heigl is playing the Pity Card, though she’s not denying she was a raging diva, and she wants to make up with Shonda, so here’s her mea culpa:

“I am sorry that [Shonda] feels that way and I wish her nothing but greatness and I have nothing negative to say about [her]. I’m a big fan of her work. I watch Scandal every week and so I’m sorry she’s left with such a crappy impression of me. I wish I could do something to change that. Maybe I will be able to someday.”

Howsabout just stop being a diva and stop pissing people off with your holier-than-thou attitude and maybe then people will stop thinking ill of you.

Failing that, just keep quiet, and keep the want ads handy; you’re gonna need ‘em.

Jaden and Willow Smith. Is it any surprise that, with parents like theirs, who are less parents and more sidekick, these two aren’t more idiotic? See, it seems the Smith kids gave an interview to the New York Times’ T Magazine and were all kinds of crazy and delusional. Let’s listen in …

Willow says she’s reading Quantum Physics, while Jaden is reading “The Ancient Secret of the Flower of Life and ancient texts; to that end, they were asked what they think about time:

WILLOW: I mean, time for me, I can make it go slow or fast, however I please, and that’s how I know it doesn’t exist.

JADEN: It’s proven that how time moves for you depends on where you are in the universe. It’s relative to beings and other places. But on the level of being here on earth, if you are aware in a moment, one second can last a year. And if you are unaware, your whole childhood, your whole life can pass by in six seconds. But it’s also such a thing that you can get lost in.

Then T Magazine asked about their music and how they’ve gotten better over the years:

WILLOW: Caring less what everybody else thinks, but also caring less and less about what your own mind thinks, because what your own mind thinks, sometimes, is the thing that makes you sad.

JADEN: Exactly. Because your mind has a duality to it. So when one thought goes into your mind, it’s not just one thought, it has to bounce off both hemispheres of the brain. When you’re thinking about something happy, you’re thinking about something sad. When you think about an apple, you also think about the opposite of an apple. It’s a tool for understanding mathematics and things with two separate realities. But for creativity: That comes from a place of oneness. That’s not a duality consciousness. And you can’t listen to your mind in those times — it’ll tell you what you think and also what other people think

And that bit of gibberish lead to the topic of school and education—remember that Will and Jada built a Scientology-based school for their kids to attend but when it went broke, well, education over:

JADEN: Here’s the deal: School is not authentic because it ends. It’s not true, it’s not real. Our learning will never end. The school that we go to every single morning, we will continue to go to.

WILLOW: Forever, ‘til the day that we’re in our bed.

JADEN: Kids who go to normal school are so teenagery, so angsty.

WILLOW: They never want to do anything, they’re so tired.

And then Jaden, well, went all badly home-schooled:

JADEN: You never learn anything in school. Think about how many car accidents happen every day. Driver’s ed? What’s up? I still haven’t been to driver’s ed because if everybody I know has been in an accident, I can’t see how driver’s ed is really helping them out.

The one question that perhaps was never asked, and perhaps should have been the first question out of the interviewer’s mouth, is, “Where the hell are your parents?”

Off of stupid kids, and on to stupid adults … Gwyneth Paltrow.

She’s a cold bitch whose face is so heavily Botoxed — or whatever kumbaya poison she uses to keep her skin taut and plastic — that it's hard to tell exactly how she feels about her consciously uncoupled husband being with, not being with, and then being with Jennifer Lawrence, and how that makes Goop’s world crumble.

While Paltrow is known for her strict veggie diet and strict healthy lifestyle, it appears that those in the know say that when she discovered her ex-husband, Chris Martin had gotten back together with JLaw, she threw all that out the window and started chain-smoking like some 50s housewife scorned!

The “meltdown” happened on Halloween after Jennifer was spotted at Chris’ Malibu home, and, on her way to a photo shoot, Gwyneth was so on edge she started smoking and even begged her driver to stop for a drink so she could calm her nerves.

An insider — and it’s either Pomegranate or Bathsheba — says, “She was a mess all day.”

She even began maniacally texting Chris and making plans to single-white-female JLaw.

Cigarettes and booze is a slippery slope; next thing you know, Goopy will be snorting bath salts and drinking drain cleaner.

Just sayin’.

Kirk Cameron, beloved TV star from our childhood and now devout evangelical loon, has some important words for you women out there: Get in the kitchen because it’s where you belong.

“If you are a mom, if you are a wife, if you’re the keeper of your home, I want you to know that your joy is so important this Christmas. Because Christmas is about joy and if the joy of the Lord is your strength, remember, the joy of the mom is her children’s strength, so don’t let anything steal your joy. If you let your joy get stolen, it will sap your strength. Let your children, your family, see your joy in the way that you decorate your home this Christmas, in the food that you cook, the songs you sing, the stories you tell, and the traditions that you keep. Invite your whole neighborhood into your Christmas, and invite the world into our story of our king and his kingdom.”

Kirk Cameron steals my joy every time he opens his bassackwards yap.

Back to Goop and her suggestions for Christmas, and, no, I don’ think she wants y’all to buy a bottle of Jack and a carton of Marlboro’s; that’s her special gift to herself.

Here’s what she thinks are the hot, must-have Christmas buys:

$30 Furby

$10 friendship bracelet kit

$4,739 Easy Health Angel Juicer Gold—yes, it’s actually gold!

$4,545 Valentino Canvas Trolley—you know, one of those rolling suitcases

$12,000 Diamond Thickie Esque vase

$495 St. Louis Scully & Scully crystal glasses—they’re $95 each

$1,500 Hermes Avalon blanket

$2,614 Balenciaga New Classic Biker Jacket

$1,995 for a single Anita Ko safety pin earring

$7,600 Cartier bracelet

A Harry Winston diamond cluster ring—price on request

$1,495 Arthur Umanoff bar cart

$3,190 The Row Rina Fringed Cashmere Cape

You can head over to Goop — and why wouldn’t you — to read all about how Paltrow feels about these trinkets, place your order and then write your check for $43,678 — it’ll be more with the Harry Winston Ring of course — and have yourself a merry little Christmas.

I like that Paltrow wants to help out all the Moms with their Christmas shopping.

She’s one of us, you know.

Kendall Jenner was recently hired as the face of Estee Lauder and gave an interview about her fabulous career:

“I’m not trying to use a family name or anything. In reality I worked pretty hard for this … It wasn’t like I just got it magically and it just happened.”

Um, Kendall, I’m’a need you to take a seat and let me school you. No one would know you from Kendall Jackson if your older sister hadn’t laid on her back, pointed her heels to Jesus and let Ray J mount her like a rutting pig; without that there’s be no Keeping Up With The Kardastrophes, and without that there’s be no Kendall Jenner who got an Estee Lauder contract based on merit.

If you’re Kendall Jenner from Akron, Ohio, whose Mom was a teacher and whose dad worked in a bank, you’d be living in a fifth-floor walk-up trying to break into Model’s Inc.

Stop fronting.

Meanwhile, Anna Wintour has defended her decision to put Kendall’s sister, porn star, Kim Kardastrophe and her lunatic husband Kanye West on the cover of Vogue this year, but says it in the most typical Wintour fashion ... with a heavy does of shade.

While at the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York this week she said:

“I think if we just remain deeply tasteful and just put deeply tasteful people on the cover, it would be a rather boring magazine!”

See, she’s a panderer, putting the scourge of the Earth on her magazine to sell copies and keep her on her perch above it all.

Kim Kardashian? Deeply tasteful? Maybe to Ray J.

This week on Today Matt Lauer sat down with boyband One Direction to discuss their upcoming album Four. And oddly enough, there were just four of them on the set that day because Zayn Malik was a no-show for their appearance and performance.

Of course, being the stealth journalist that he is, when he isn’t schtupping his co-workers or getting them fired, Lauer asked where Zayn was, and Liam Payne said his cohort had a, ahem, “tummy bug” and couldn’t make the trip.

Naturally that lead Lauer into investigative journalist mode, because he began asking about how “sick” Zayn actually is, and implying that he’s actually at home with a case of the drug problems.

Oh yes he did.

“There’s obviously a lot of concern, a lot of fans have been tweeting overnight. There’s been a lot of action on social media about him. Is it something more serious than just a minor illness? There have been rumors of substance abuse. What’s going on?”

Once again, Liam stressed that Zayn was at home sick while the rest of One Direction — all three of the Ones — sat there in awkward silence. And Zayn, who wasn’t too sick to turn on the telly, caught the interview and unleashed a torrent of Lauer Loathing of the, ahem, “news” man.

“I’m really angry and upset by what was said on the Today show. I was really ill at the weekend, that’s why I couldn’t fly to America. I was gutted to have to miss album release day, but I’m going to be back as soon as I can. As soon as I’m feeling better I’m going to join the guys and carry on with the promotion for the album.”

Who to believe? The pompous newsman looking for a ratings grab since GMA is regularly trouncing Today, or the wee pop star who may have been too high to fly … on a plane.

I fall into the ‘Who cares’ category but just posted this story for y’all.

More Kim K? M’kay.

This might not be true, but it’s funny and involves Dame Angelina Jolie — whom I adore — so I’m treating it as gospel.’

Angelina is doing a worldwide press tour for her upcoming film Unbroken and was in Sydney, Australia this week. It was a huge event, some of the actors were there, plus Brad, and Angelina even invited the Aussie crew plus Australian WWII veterans to attend.

Cut to Kim Kardashian, who was also in Australia to promote herself, her perfume, her ass, her fat ass on a magazine cover, something, and she wanted to go to the premiere because, well, Angelina and Brad, except … Angelina banned her!

According to the article Kim ‘begged for tickets to the Unbroken premiere’ and ‘desperately tried to arrange a get-together with Brad and Angie’ but that ‘Angie’s people told Kim to buzz off and that Angie didn’t want to socialise with Kim or do a photo op in Australia with her. Kim was crushed.’

Perhaps that’s what it would take to deflate that ass … and her giant butt.

Now, as I said, I don’t know if it’s true, but I’d like to believe it is, and if it is, I love Jolie even more.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Oh, this is effing rich.

The Palin clan, including Mama Grizzly Bore™ herself, was ALLEGEDLY involved in a huge verbal and physical fight when they all got drunk at a friend’s house over the weekend. Fists flew, lips bloodied, and the MGB™ was ALLEGEDLY heard shrieking, “Don’t you know who I am?” at the people telling her to calm the eff down!

Here’s the gist:

The Palins were at a party when Track Palin — the eldest son of Mammy and Pappy Palin, and ALLEGEDLY raging drunk, got in the face of some random guy who used to date one of his sisters … the Facebook homophobe Willow Palin. It got hot, then another sister, Trick Palin … I kid, it was Blister … still kidding it was Bristol … began throwing punches because she’s a lady and a mother and all kinds of class. Soon, the entire Palin Klan was involved in the brawl.

That’s when MGB™ played the Reese Witherspoon, Don’t-you-know-who-I-am card and someone in the crowd ALLEGEDLY shouted back “This isn’t some damned Hillbilly reality show!”

Oh, but it is, because you see, had things gone differently back in ’08, and had the MGB™ become the Veep, and had Gramps McCain dropped dead, then the Plain’s would have been living in the White House.

And turning it into the White Trash House.

UPDATE: The MGB™ high-lariously claimed on her Facebook page that she had been traveling on Saturday, and she made no mention of her brawling drunken children.

But, one person who claimed to be a witness to The Thrilla from Wasilla said, on that post, that MGB™’s traveling claim was a load of moose manure:

“Interesting. Pretty sure you were not traveling and you and family were on the Southside causing chaos. Saw it happen. Don’t fib.”

Mama Grizzly Bore™? Lie? Uh huh..

Oh for the love of the Baby Jeebus ... Lindsay Lohan is getting sued again, and now she's taking her younger brother, the sadly named Michael Lohan Jr., down with her.

On the heels of being released from Rehab #7 last year, and just before heading into Rehab #8, AKA the Oprah Cure, the two Lohans started working with techie Fima Potik on an app called Spotted Friend, which would basically allow people to poke around Lohan’s closet and see what she wears … or where she hides her drugs … something. 

Lindsay even began promoting the app on Twitter last Spring, after being sprung from Oprah-hab, but then, like steps 2 through 12 of her Twelve Step Program, she quickly lost interest and began focusing on something shiny ... possibly an airplane bottle of Ketel One in a gutter somewhere.

So, Michael Jr. decided to try his hand at the app game one more time and launched a virtual shopping app called Vigme; he described it as a “social shopping community” where people can look in his sister’s virtual closet — my eyes — and and buy the kinds of high end hooker things Lindsay sports around town and under bars.

But, um, Fima Potik realized that Vigme is really just Spotted Friend with a new name and so a cease-and-desist letter was sent to Lindsay and Junior informing them to knock it off or else. And, of course, Lindsay responded to the cease-and-desist by getting her attorney, Mark Heller — the same guy she fired a couple of years ago because he couldn’t keep her out of jail — who said this:

“Allegations of any impropriety in Lindsay Lohan’s business relationship concerning this Web site are inaccurate and clearly designed to capitalize on her worldwide recognition as a fashion icon.”

Okay, first off, it sounds like Junior came up with the new copycat app, and Lindsay had nothing to do with it, so she may be in the clear … this time. But, seriously. Her.Worldwide.Recognition.As.A.Fashion.Icon?

Note to Lohan and her team of ambulance-chasers: leggings and side boob are not fashion. Check every street corner, look at every prostitute, and you'll see leggings and side boob.

How would we live without Paltrow?

I mean, according to her favorite news source, Gwyneth Paltrow, Gwyneth Paltrow is the best at everything. Every.Thing. I mean, her divorce is a sweet little conscious uncoupling; she’s the best friend ever and now, yes, friends, Gwyneth Paltrow is staking a claim as the best at … wait for it … making the bed. Seriously.

Paltrow recently turned Goop.com a step-by-step tutorial called “Making The Perfect Bed” and, well, here it is:

1. Fitted sheet first, preferably out of a medium-heat dryer. Don’t let them sit or they’ll just become more wrinkled. Start with top corners and move down to the bottom, pressing out the wrinkles with your hands as you go. Try to buy fitted sheets where the elastic wraps around the whole base of the mattress, not just the corners.

2. Place the flat sheet on next, squaring it evenly to give yourself enough slack for whatever cuff size you prefer. (If you like a modern look, make a wider, 10″-16″ cuff on the turn-down fold. If you like a more traditional look, 6″-10″ is the perfect cuff width.) If you don’t want your sheets too tight, lay two to three pillows down the midline before placing the sheet.

3. Place whatever blanket you are going to use over the fitted sheet and square it. I like to tuck the end of the bed under first. It makes for a neater view when approaching the bed on entrance. Then, pull the sides taught and fold them under. Otherwise, if you fold the base last and have a thicker blanket it can create havoc for the sides.

4. For a duvet, place the cover on right out of the dryer and shake it out. Pull all four corners taut. If you want your down comforter to look fluffier, go down a size for the duvet cover, i.e., place a king duvet in a queen-sized cover.

Wow. I mean, how have I been making beds all these years without The Paltrow Method? How has anyone been able to look at a freshly made bed and not want to tear it to shreds because it had gone horribly wrong?

Thank you, Gwyneth, thank you.

Next up, she’ll teach us how to wipe our asses …. On 3,000-thread count Egyptian cotton toilet paper.

So, after Matt Lauer pushed Ann Curry in front of a cross-town bus a couple of years ago so he could get his ALLEGED side-piece a gig on the Today Show, how does NBC handle him?

NBC treats him to a helicopter ride to and from his home in the Hamptons to the Today show set up to three times a week because they’re afraid he’ll quit. I know!

A source — and it might be Dina trying to score a gig as Kathie Lee Gifford’s permanent drunken replacement during The Fourth Hour — says that after Ann Curry’s messy departure in 2012, NBC was terrified that Darling Matt might take his man-whoring to another network so they basically handed him a blank check and some yellow legal pads upon which to write his demands.

Like a $20 million a year paycheck and a helicopter to transport his ever-balding head into the office a few times each week even though he has an apartment in Manhattan that he could stay at.

A rep for Today — hoping to keep the show from looking like Matt’s pimp — says:

“On rare occasions, Matt will fly home, but most of the time you’ll find him stuck in traffic on the Long Island Expressway with everyone else.”

Like everyone else, he sometimes takes the LIE, though when he’s not in the mood, they whisk him upstairs in the Matt Lauer Express Elevator™ to the Matt Lauer Helipad™ where he boards The Matt Lauer Helicopter™, piloted by Trixie Von Layme, and is flown home.

Taylor Swift loves to write songs about her life; she’s written about the boyfriend who dumped … I kid … the boyfriends who’ve dumped her; the kitten that scratched her; the hair ribbon that just wouldn’t stay tied. You know highly personal stuff. 

And now she’s done it again with “Bad Blood” about a female singer that’s mean to her. Rumors swirled that it was Demi Lovato or Rihanna, but now it seems quite clear it’s Katy Perry.

Of the backstabbing bitch, er, bad friend, Swifty told Rolling Stone:

“For years, I was never sure if we were friends or not. She would come up to me at awards shows and say something and walk away, and I would think, ‘Are we friends, or did she just give me the harshest insult of my life?’ [Then last year] she did something so horrible. I was like, ‘Oh, we’re just straight-up enemies.’ And it wasn’t even about a guy! It had to do with business. She basically tried to sabotage an entire arena tour. She tried to hire a bunch of people out from under me. And I’m surprisingly non-confrontational – you would not believe how much I hate conflict. So now I have to avoid her. It’s awkward, and I don’t like it.”

True story: in 2012, Katy Perry hired a bunch of dancers away from Taylor Swift, so that’s the feud; that’s the horrible thing. Katy Perry saw some dancers and said, Hey, you wanna come dance for me and they did and then TayTay got her grannies panties twisted and suddenly it’s a song. And for her part, Katy Perry is now playing along, Tweeting this:

‘Watch out for the Regina George [from Mean Girls] in sheep’s clothing.’

Which implies that Tay’s the Mean Girl, eh? But, and this seems more plausible, maybe the feud isn’t over dancers, but over that singing STD, John Mayer, who schtupped dated both girls. TayTay and Mayer had a love affair in 2010 before he dumped her and she released the song “Dear John”.  In 2012, KayKay started dating Mayer, who said he was “really humiliated” by Swift’s song and that was when Perry started making digs at Taylor … until DancerGate.

And that really seems to have put the nail in the coffin of these pop diva-lite’s friendship because one of the dancer’s, Lockhart Brownlie, confirms that it was Katy who tried to sabotage TayTay’s Red tour. Brownlie says he first toured with Perry on her Part of Me tour and when that gig ended he and two other dancers auditioned for the Red job:

“I was with Taylor for the first six months. It was a great experience and she’s a great person to work with, but then Katy contacted us. … Obviously we were with Katy for 2 1/2 years, she’s like family to us, so we were, like, absolutely.”

Hell hath no fury like an auto-tuned-pop-star-whose-dancers-are-stolen-away’s fury.