I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Mariah’s getting wackier by the minute … and more so since her marriage bombed bigger than her latest album.

See, Mimi was being interviewed and was asked about other female singers and she said this about Nicki Minaj … “Who?” And this about Beyoncé’s Drunk in Love… “I haven’t heard it” and then she said this about little Mariah, er, Ariana Grande…  “I wish everybody all the best of luck and if this is the career path they choose, hope that they can achieve longevity.” 

But maybe Mariah’s on to something because Little Mariah, er, Ariana, is quickly getting the Diva Handle, what with her obsession with only allowing photographs of the left side of her face — I remember when Mimi did that — and her own hatred, or just  dislike, of Original Mariah.

While filming a TV special in mid-August, Ariana Grande was impossible to work with according to a source — perhaps Dina Lohan looking for a second income now that Lindsay’s across the pond and only making ‘;theater’ money — says: “She was a total nightmare. She demanded to be shot only on her left side and told the lighting crew that if they used red light, she would ‘kill herself’.”

Even producers at the venue were disgusted with Toddler Diva, saying she “is, hands down, the most difficult person they have ever had to work with.”

But never EVER compare Ariana to Mimi because then that little girl will go off. Ariana is fuming about what Mimi said of her in that interview and she cannot, will not hear Mariah’s name mentioned in her presence.

 And never, ever, on her left side! Or in a red light.

And speaking of Beyoncé … she’s done it again.

A few years back, when she was with Destiny’s Child, they released a Christmas album, and recorded their version of Silent Night on it. Well, Beyoncé  added a few words to the song, a few hip thrusts to the melody, and a couple of hair tosses on the high notes, so in the liner noted she actually gave herself credit for being one of the writers of Silent $%&#ing Night.

And now she’s shot some pics and co-written a poem about her favorite subject … Beyoncé … for CR Fashion Book. In her ode to herself, “Bey The Light” the poem is credited to Beyoncé with the words being “remixed” by poet Forrest Gander which means that basically, she took his poem, threw her name in it, and gave herself credit for it.

Now that’s sad and pathetic and egomaniacal and totally Beyoncé, but there’s a funny twist to the story.

The pictures that go along with the words seem to prove that Kanye really does hate Beyoncé because his BFF, Riccardo Tisci styled this shoot and in one photo Tisci actually covered up Bey’s face! He also had her wear stretch pants and do battle with a Mickey Mouse doll.

Kanye and Ricardo are tee-heeing themselves into a Giddy Boy Crazy Frenzy, I imagine.

Way back in April, Katherine Heigl  slapped NYC drugstore chain Duane Reade with a lawsuit after they tweeted a picture of her leaving one of their stores carrying one of their bags, because Heigl was pissed they’d use her “image” without her permission, or a check at the very least.

She demanded restitution to the tune of $6 million but now it’s been revealed that she and Duane Reade have reached a settlement and she’s dropped her suit, AKA the demand for cash.

Heigl’s people — her mother, actually — says both parties are keeping mum about the deal, but apparently Duane Reade is making a donation to the Jason Debus Heigl Foundation in exchange for making the lawsuit disappear.

While I like that some money went to charity and not to Heigl’s ciggie fund, I still would have liked to see that courtroom drama on TV: Highly Respected Actress Shamed By Photo of Her Carrying Duane Reade Bag!

It was sure to have been better than her craptastic new TV show … or so I’m told.

Kristen Stewart. I’ve missed her since she shined in both Twilight and as The Other Woman in Rupert Sanders’ Divorce. Thank god she’s back and talking because this stuff is precious. …

In a Vanity Fair interview, Stewart seems to suggest that she’s an incredible actress and not just a piece of driftwood that washed ashore on Malibu Beach in a teddy and a thong. And she actually blames any and all bad acting from her past — including the time she acted like she wasn’t the trick of a married director — on her costars.

RPats? Is this your fault?

She claims to go into “default” mode when working with someone less talented than she:

“Oh yeah. Absolutely. I’m not the type of actor who can perform without wearing a mirror on my face. Everyone knows that you’re better with other actors who are really present, who you are having the same experience with, but I am made or broken on it. If I’m working with someone who I’m not vibing with, or who I have to fake anything with, then it’s sad for me and it’s bad acting.”

So, she’s saying that every single film role she’s ever done, has been done opposite a bad actor? Cuz this bitch sucks in everything.

Britney Britney Britney. Love ain’t your thang, mama, because you’re single again now that former boyfriend David Lucado was caught with his hand on someone else’s Cheetos in a video!

Neither party had any comment on the breakup but Britney did lip-sync a little something while onstage “performing” in Las Vegas.

 “So I know you know my boyfriend cheated on me,” she told the crowd during her Piece of Me show in Las Vegas [on Sunday night], PEOPLE confirms. “But the best thing about being cheated on is I get to go on more first dates.”

And she ALLEGEDLY added: “I need a hot guy. Where are the hot guys here tonight?”

I think the hot guys are staying away from Cheetos singers.

We all know that Lady Gaga copies Madonna, but Madonna copies Cher and Cher copies, well, no one was really here before Cher so maybe Cher is the original?

Anyway. Gaga’s music sounds like Madonna’s music. Gaga looks like Madonna. Gaga dresses like Madonna and, except for the British accent, sounds as full of herself as Madonna.

And, over the years she’s thrown shade at Madge and Madge has doubled down subtly on Ga — I know her so well, it’s just Ga — but now she’s turned up the digs and has taken aim and the Little Monster Queen in a new song all about Gaga.

In a leaked track from her new album, Two Steps Behind Me — it already sounds like a Gaga dig — Madge calls Gaga a ‘copycat’:

‘You’re a copycat, Where is my royalty?

You’re a pretty girl, I’ll give you that.

But stealing my recipe, it’s an ugly look

Did you study me hard enough?

You’re never gonna be, you’re just a wannabe me.

Like a sister all messed-up, who’s gonna help you out?

In your fantasy, you can try it all. But you can’t be me.

You can walk the walk, even talk the talk. But you’ll always be two steps behind me.’

No word on if the song has made the cut, and no word on when Gaga will rip it off and sing it herself.

The Biebs is at it again.

A few weeks ago, he was caught driving on a sidewalk and endangering a disabled woman, and the last week he caused a traffic accident by slamming on his brakes in front of a paparazzo. But his latest case of offensive driving came this past Labor Day weekend when he was arrested — again … who does he think he is … Lohan? — in his hometown, Stratford, Ontario for dangerous driving and assault after ALLEGEDLY slamming his ATV into a minivan driven by a paparazzo.

Naturally, right after these two paparazzi crashes, he Tweeted about how he’s just like Princess Diana in how the photographers follow him, but I still, for the life of me, cannot find the footage of Diana ramming a photographer with her car.

Bieber could be in some serious sizzurp with this latest kerfuffle because he’s still on probation — for the next two years — for Egg Gate. This arrest could trigger a violation and more pictures of Justin crying in a holding cell.

That would almost be worth it. 

So Sherri Shepherd has apparently got the nastiest divorce going … which is no surprise because it was the nastiest marriage going for all of the ten minutes that it lasted.

Sherri used to coo on The View about her boo … how poetic. She was in love, y’all, and they were gonna have a baby via surrogate and life was good. Then the Fifteen Minutes of Marriage to Sherri Clock struck time and the whole shebang was off.

Except then soon-to-be-ex-husband Lamar Sally sued for custody of the as-yet unborn child and Sherri, the good Christian that she is, declared the baby wasn’t hers because they used a surrogate so Lamar could have ‘it’ but she wasn’t paying for ‘it.’

Now, though, it seems Sherri, fired from The View no matter how she spins it, and desperate to start a new career as a cashier at the Dollar General, has offered Lamar $100,000 and $3,000 a month for the baby she doesn’t want any more.

And he said, Uh huh, open up the bank vault because Daddy has a pickup.

Lovely, the way straight people can marry and divorce as though it means nothing, and then treat a child as a dollar sign, or act as if they don’t even want it.

So, the other night, over there to London town, GQ Magazine had their Men of the Year Awards during which they honored Kim Kardastrophe … wait, she’s a man? Well, that explains why Kanye’s so hot for her, or him.

Anyway, even though they had the biggest fame whore in town, the good folks at GQ wanted to hedge their bets and so their invited perennial starlet-drug-addict-criminal Lindsay Lohan to the party and she turned up like white trash in a Hefty bag.

With one request.

It seems that Lohan’s people—who we all know is Dina, sucking the last drops from a box of Franzia chardonnay before drifting off into an Ambien sleep—told the good folks at GQ that Lindsay would be delighted to attend their little soiree if only they would guarantee that there would be no other women at Lohan’s table.

That hooker works alone, y’all.

”Lohan’s people were clear that she wanted to be on a table during the lengthy awards surrounded by men. She gets on better with guys and had spent time putting together a sexy look [that’s it up there and, yeah, not so much sexy as Eva Gabor Grandma] so she wanted to be admired.”

If Lindsay really wanted to be admired she should have winged it over to Los Angeles and attended the LA County Jail Talent Show. She could ‘a been the star at that shindig.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Gwyneth Paltrow. Y'all know she's like EveryMom, though she has it a lot harder because she makes millions of dollars a year. But I never knew she had a team of people that are needed to keep her normal every day.

A source — and you know it's Lohan, live Tweeting from a pub in London — says: “Gwyneth has an army of people looking after her health.”

Seriously, she has a team that includes an allergist, blood analyst, naturopath and osteopath; there is a stress-relief team that consists of a meditation teacher, a yoga guru, a Qi Gong expert and four different massage therapists for cupping, Rolfing, hot stones and shiatsu; and, while Gwyneth loves to make out like she's a world class chef, her team also includes four nutritionists, three personal trainers and “detox advocate.”

It's takes a village to be that smug.

I guess.

So, last week I said Lindsay Lohan was getting all cracky about making her stage debut in a reboot of David Mamet's Speed-the-Plow in London's West End. I called her crazy and a liar and a cracktress and, well, I was wrong.

Oh she's still a crazy, lying cracktress, most of the time, but not about this. Lindsay Lohan is actually cast in Speed-the-Plow and will make her professional stage debut this fall in Mamet's play at London’s Playhouse Theatre. Performances begin September 24 and continue through November 29 with opening night on October 2nd.

Okay, so I was wrong, I can admit that, but, I'm gonna keep on thinking that, during the play's almost two-month run, Lohan will be absent about half that time. Here's hoping her understudy is brilliant and prepared because that girl is gonna be on stage a lot!

I guess all those people who said Shia LaBeouf couldn't get arrested on Broadway were wrong, because last week Shia went cray-cray during a performance of Cabaret and was arrested outside Studio 54 where the show is playing.

It all started with Shia thinking he could smoke in the theater because he's Shia; when asked to stop, he began smacking his fellow audience members’ butts and heads and that's when the NYPD rolled up. Shia, who tried to run but he fell on his face and was dragged away in handcuffs. 

But before it was all over Shia was shrieking and squawking and threatening to end the careers of the police offices, hurling homophobic slurs at, and spitting on, police officers. They had to put him in a Hannibal Lecter-type mask before hauling him away. And then while being fingerprinted LaBeouf screamed:

“I have millions and millions of dollars and attorneys and I’m going to ruin your career.” 

He then called the officer a "fag."

He’s been charged with criminal trespass, harassment and disorderly conduct, according to law enforcement sources. No word on whether charges of bad acting will be added to the rap sheet.

Remember when Lindsay Lohan's Sex List was discovered and all those names of A-list actors — who were said to have schtupped the cracktress — came out? Well, Adam Levine, who was one of the men named, has decided to set the record straight during an interview with Howard Stern by saying, on air:

“I did not have sexual intercourse with Lindsay Lohan …”

Funny, though, he didn't mention any of the other sexual deeds that he ALLEGEDLY could have had with Lohan, because the list doesn’t say she had sexual intercourse with these men, it said Lindsay had sex with some of these men.

And intercourse ain’t the only sex act, even for such a straight shooter like Levine.

No one really wants to see a sequel to Snow White and the Huntsman but since the first one made a gazillion bucks at the box office, you're gonna have the chance.

Sadly, though, Snow White, AKA Outstanding Wooden Actress™ winner Kristen Stewart will not be in it. 

Chris Hemsworth will be back, as the Huntsman, and Charlize Theron may be back as the Evil Queen, but Stewart, and SWaTH director, and Stewart schtupper, Rupert Sands are not being asked back.

I guess the Casting Couch didn't help Stewart this time?

Y'all know Lifetime is producing a Whitney Houston biopic with America's Next Top Model Yaya DaCosta in the title role and Angela Bassett directing. It's not supposed to be great filmmaking, it's a little slice of Whitney's life, before the drugs ruined her, but still people are excited for it.

Except one Bobbi Kristina Brown — Whitney's daughter — who is all kinds of pissy that she didn't get the part and is slamming Angela Bassett all over the web after Bassett said this about the project:

“I did not think about casting [Bobbi Kristina]. And probably for a number of reasons, you know. One being that she’s not an actress. I know she’s acted here and there. I know she’s been on their family’s reality show, but she’s not an actress and acting is a craft. It’s an attempt to illuminate the complexities of human behavior and life. And this is a very fast-paced schedule; we have just 21 days to tell this story. It’s more than just saying lines and turning the light on. You have to drive the story—there’s a technical aspect.”

That sounds fair, right? Well, not to BK who retaliated on Twitter by suggesting that Bassett is really a man:

Classy act, girl. Your Mama would be so proud.

Okay, so I like the celebrity gossip snark, but I do realize that most celebrities are just like you and me, except that when they misbehave it makes news and when I misbehave I wake up with a massive hangover. So, yeah, with the exception of Lindsay Lohan, who is a rehab-going, drunk-driving, drag-racing, mother-kidnapping, jewelry-stealing, nightclub-brawling, cocaine-snorting, lying paid escort, most celebrities are normal folks … or, they’re like Amy Adams.

To end this Holiday Weekend gossip here’s a nice story about a celebrity …

Amy Adams was flying out of Detroit last week and she noticed that there was a uniformed soldier on the same flight. After asking about him, Adams quietly asked that he be given her seat in First Class and she’d take his seat in coach.

She wasn’t even trying to get press for this; it turns out that Jemele Hill, co-host of ESPN's Numbers Never Lie was on the same flight and Tweeted about it:

“Just saw actress Amy Adams do something incredibly classy. She gave her 1st class seat to an American soldier. I’m an even bigger fan now.”

Hill noted that Adams, whose father was in the military, spoke briefly with the solider before taking her seat in coach.

Of course, with Hill’s Tweet the story broke and when the plane landed at LAX a cameraman from Inside Edition asked Adams about it and she said:

“I didn’t do it for attention for myself. I did it for attention for the troops.” 

That’s all. Oh, and thanks Amy, that was a class act.

I Ain't One To Gossip But

Okay, so last week we heard Lindsay Lohan say she was making her stage debut in London’s West End this fall in David Mamet’s Speed-the-Plow.

Yeah, maybe not. Even though Lohan keeps claiming she was hired to do the play there has been no announcement of her being cast in this, or any other, play, nor has there been an news about a Speed-the-Plow revival, and yet that didn't stop Lohan from posting that picture up there, of her standing at the stage door of a West End theater, to Instagram, with the message:

“At work! First day ... Read through.”

Cracktress is lying, y’all. Lohan is actually standing at Her Majesty’s Theatre stage door, where Phantom of the Opera is running … until April of 2015. So, this is not a theater where Speed-the-Plow will open in November, nor was Lohan there doing a reading, even though she carried the big bag with what looks like a script poking out.

Oh England, once again I apologize that you are being subjected, as we were for years, to the Lohan Crazies, though hopefully you’ll come to your senses soon and she’ll find another country in which she can party and tell her “stories.”

Remember when we learned from Kanye West — the horse’s ass himself — that it took four grueling days for him and soon-to-be-ex-wife Kim Kardastrophe to Photoshop their wedding pictures for Instagram after Annie Leibovitz bailed on shooting his wedding a day before the ceremony?

Trouble is, that’s a lie. Kanye had said Leibovitz backed out at the last minute because she was “scared about the idea of celebrity” even though she’s made a career of shooting celebrities …with a camera, y’all, come on! But now Kanye’s walking back his story lie because, well, Annie called him out on it.

Kanye is now saying he would have loved to have Leibovitz photograph his wedding but that a deal couldn’t be reached, which is oh-so-different from “she backed out at the last minute.” And Kanye’s reason for lying? He was, and I quote, “dreaming out loud. Again.”
 

That’s a poetic way of saying I have the biggest ego in the world and I am a liar.

Mariah Carey is all kinds of crazy and seems to have gone even crazier now that her last album, Me. I Am Mariah, tanked.

See, she wants y'all to believe that the massively Photoshopped cover for her latest single, You Don't Know What To Do, was as much a surprise and shock to her as it was to you: 

“That definitely was NOT my selection for the cover… ugh! / Yes, I would love for you to send me your art for #YDKWTD (’cause at this point IDKWTD! lol)”

Seriously? Mimi expects us to think that she was, what, taking care of “dem babies” — as she calls them — when this new Photoshopped Mariah made its appearance? Was she busy sewing sequined gowns down two sizes before she put them? Or, was she preoccupied with stuffing her over-inflated buzzooms into a training bra and cou8ldn't be bothered to okay this mess?

Stop, Mariah, every single album and single cover of yours from the last ten years has been manipulated to make you look thinner and younger and smoother and, well, more Beyoncé.

The jig is up, girl.

Y’all know that Kate Gosselin is the best mother in the world, right? I mean, sure she whored out her children, and her IVF sextuplets until her marriage fell apart, but she just did that because she’s a mom, you know. And when she pimped out her kids again in a recent TLC special it was only because she’s a stay-at-home mom; she doesn’t want you to think she does this for the cash for hair extensions and Botox and dates with her bodyguard, she does this because she’s a single mom just trying to survive:

“Hear me very clearly: If there was another way to singly support eight children, you would not know this name and I would be on an island, and so would they. You would never hear from us again.”

And yet she has never tried to find another way, has she? Nope; it’s about using her children to make a paycheck. She’s the Original Octo-Mom.

JLo dumped Casper’s cheating ass a few weeks back — though, to salvage her image she claims she dumped him months ago, and will probably soon start saying they never dated at all and she has no idea who he is — and now she’s on to another dancer, Dancing with the Stars'’ Maksim Chmerkovskiy.

And yet, both Jell-O and Maksim are denying the hook-up, even though the pair was seen together after JLo’s “show” at Foxwoods Resort Casino in Connecticut where they were quite cuddly at the after party, and dancing in the club later on.

They’re playing down the affair rumors because, well, JLo learned from Casper. She’ll keep this coupling on the down-low because when Maks cheats with a hooker, or some D-list actress he’s paired up with on DWTS — and that could actually be the same person — she can say they never met, never dated, never schtupped.

Savvy, JLo, savvy.

File this under: This Kills Me.

Joan Rivers has a new book, ‘Diary of a Mad Diva.' coming out and the sh*t is already flying. In the book, as Joan does, she makes fun of a lot of people, mostly celebrities, and one, Best Wooden Actress™ winner, Kristen Stewart is ALLEGEDLY not happy about her role in the book after Joan ALLEGEDLY said this about the Twilight actress:

“Many stars only do one thing well. Of course, the best one-trick-pony is Kristen Stewart, who got a whole career by being able to juggle a director’s balls.”

Apparently Kristen’s attorneys contacted Joan and the publisher and threatened to sue for defamation even though the prologue of the book makes it clear it is nothing but jokes, not facts, even if some of the jokes are based on facts ... like the time Kristen Stewart had an affair with a married director and ruined his marriage.

Oh, color me sad.

After just one year on The View it appears that resident blond bobblehead, Jenny McCarthy — not to be confused with black bobblehead Sherri Shepherd — is apparently on her way out.

A source — and it could be anyone from Star Jones, angling for her seat back at the table, or Elizabeth Hasselbeck, still pissed that she was pushed out — claims that Jenny didn’t appeal to daytime TV viewers because she’s an illiterate twit … or something.

Ratings have dipped since McCarthy came on-board; The View is down by about 5% when compared with last year, but CBS’ View knock-off, The Talk, is up 19% so Babs Walters needed to bump off the old and bring in some new.

Who can fill Crazy’s chair? Courtney Love? Gwyneth Paltrow—though she might spend the entire show hawking her $2,000 GOOP T’s. I suggest a potted plant to take the seat because at least it would make more sense than McCarthy. Then work on getting Sherri outta there, too.

UPDATE: She's out, and Sherri, too. Good. Bye.

Meanwhile, back at Kanye …

Remember when he beat up the paparazzi outside LAX last year? Well, now he’s paying for it, because he was just sentenced to Celebrity Special Treatment Community Service, AKA The Lohan Effect, by LA County Courts.

Kanye took a plea in the case and agreed to attend anger management therapy and complete 250 hours of community service. Now, while Joe, or Jane, Public would be picking up trash along the 405 while wearing an orange jumpsuit, Kanye’s community service requires that he visit LA Trade Technical College, a community college that focuses on fashion design, and talk about fashion to the students.

Celebrities! They’re just like us!

Mila Kunis is pregnant with serial schtupper Ashton Kutcher’s demon spawn and sometimes she’s in a good mood, and sometimes not.

Recently she gave an interview to Marie Claire where she talked all about her pregnancy and was funny and fresh and, well, even for Kunis, interesting. She talked about pregnancy boobs, how her vagina was gonna be wrecked and how she won’t let Ashton watch any of that happening. Then, she gave a phone interview and was all kinds of rude, raging bitch. I mean, who does she think she is, Demi Moore? Demi 2.0?

When the interviewer asked how she was feeling, being pregnant and all, Kunis snapped:

“I don’t talk about that for publication.”

Unless it’s A Vagina Dialogue for Marie Claire?

And she became even ruder, telling the interviewer that his questions were mundane, that she knew what his next question would be because he’s not very good at his job. That he asked questions she’s answered hundreds of times before.

Here’s a hint, Mila. Stop doing interviews if you’re too much of a bitch to be polite.

I loathe Katherine Heigl. She was, ALLEGEDLY, a big star on a hit TV show but then thought she was too good for that and broke her contract to make movies. She made one, maybe two, that were successful and then people realized she has no talent and so, naturally, she's gone back to TV where she’s starring in a new show, State of Affairs, which she described as like Scandal — which I won’t watch because, well, Scandal, is still on and is quite possibly about a thousand times better. Try as she might, Katherine Heigl will never be Kerry Washington, m’kay?

Still, Heigl does have a giant ego, though she prefers to have her mama act the bitch for her. See, she ALLEGEDLY flipped her wig because her name was spelled wrong on her dressing room door and so she called on her mother to scream at someone and get the bad speller fired. Funny thing is, though, it wasn’t just Heigl that was wrong, and the story goes like this …

“It’s Katherine with a K! I’m the star and they can’t even get my name right? Are you f*ing kidding me?!” bellowed Katherine Heigl who came onset and saw the door marked “Catherine Heigle.”

Catherine, er, Katherine phoned her momager Nancy and demanded she find out the culprit and it was discovered that the mistake was made by a new assistant director, who is now looking for a new job. Now, I know it’d be annoying to have your name spelled wrong, but, c’mon, it’s Catherine Heigle; why not just ask that it be corrected. Or maybe the producers will start looking for someone actually named Catherine Heigle who might be a better actress.

Might; that’s funny, because my cat’s a better actress.