I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

For this year, the 20th anniversary of her Christmas anthem, All I Want For Christmas Is You, Mariah Carey was set to perform the tune on NBC’s Christmas show where they light up that big ass dead tree at Rockefeller Center. But Mimi was so over-stuffed with drama — and overstuffed in that red sequined gown — that the folks at NBC were not having it.

On the night of the taping, Mariah, the Mutha of All Divas — take note Ariana — kept her fans waiting in the freezing rain at Rockefeller Center for over three hours because, she says, she’d been on a conference call with Nick Cannon over their impending divorce and child custody agreement. Uh huh. I think a huge sammich is what kept her home, but, again, that’s just me.

Carey had a 7PM call time to pre-tape the song and was also scheduled to tape a promo at 9PM that would have featured her riding in a horse and carriage on Fifth Avenue, for which NBC had a permit to close traffic lanes. By the time she showed up at 10:30PM, NBC was so incensed that they told her to go home, mainly because what’s left of her fans, who’d been given free tickets to support the 20th anniversary of AIWFCIY, had already left and the crew had packed up all their equipment.

Carey tweeted on Wednesday, “Last night’s situation was beyond my control. I apologize to all that showed up, you know that I would never want to disappoint you.”

Uh huh. So Carey was forced to perform live on Wednesday and if you’d seen the video, well, you’d know she was awful; she was Whitney Houston On Her Last Tour awful; sour notes, flat notes, and no notes at all.

Do I think Mariah Carey had a scheduled phone meeting with Nick and his lawyers at the very moment she was supposed to be pre-recording a performance for TV? No, I do not. Mimi is coming apart at the seams faster than Mimi in a too-tight evening gown.

Girl needs to settle.

I really can’t with Tori Spelling. I mean, she was married, went away to film some piece of Lifetime crap with the also married Dean McDermott, and then banged him. He left his wife, she left her husband, they began spitting out babies and allowing all of it to be filmed for “reality” TV.

Then, big surprise, Dean cheated on Tori. Huh? A cheater cheated? Show of hands, or hand, of the one person besides Tori who didn’t see that coming. Right.

Now, the media whore that is Whori Tori has released her family’s 2014 holiday card — possibly because a paycheck was involved — and has been trying to sell it everywhere, saying:

“We’re back together as a family and we’re working on building that family dynamic back and making it stronger than it was before, so it was important to me that we mark this because it’s a milestone year for us.”

Then she appears on her “reality” show and trashes her husband, but that’s another paycheck.

Now, in order to create a new storyline, Tori is thinking of having her breasts augmented, again, and mulling over a facelift and fillers. Why? Because she feels bad about Dean cheating on her and nothing says I feel better like new titties and a high, tight face filled with plastic and injectibles.

And, I imagine, it will all be done for free, because of the publicity she’ll give the doctor on her TV show, and then she’ll get a paycheck for showing the procedure on television.

Once a whore …

Quick Bite: Rumor has it that Ariana Grande Latte’s newest diva demand is that, when she’s too tired to walk all by her wee self, she must be carried like a toddler.

 “Her new rule is that she has to be carried — literally carried like a baby — when she doesn’t feel like walking. She says that she doesn’t want her precious feet to hit the floor,” says a source—possibly Mimi, eating a sammich on the set—who witnessed the 21-year-old get a lift from her staff while filming her latest music video and again at rehearsals for the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.

Maybe someone should just put Ariana in a handbag and carry her around like a Pocket Dog.

When Real Housewives of New Jersey’s Teresa and Joe Giudice were sentenced to prison after pleading guilty to numerous counts of federal fraud, the judge cited multiple inconsistencies between their 2009 bankruptcy filing and the assets they listed in court documents ... like not declaring cars, ATVs, jewelry, purses and designer goods.

Teresa, who was always on TV pulling a wad of bills out of her purse to pay thousands of dollars for the stuff, claimed, in court, that her jewelry was all costume and worthless, while Joe claimed that he was listing the current resale value of purchased goods and that their value had decreased since the 2009 fraudulent bankruptcy. Scam artists will do that, you know.

Teresa's excuse, though, is that she never read anything Joe gave her to sign — possibly because she doesn’t know how to read, and just signed the papers with a paw print — and that she never understood that her plea deal could involve jail time.

She.Didn’t.Know.A.Plea.Deal.Meant.Jail.Time? Of course not, because she’s as dumb as a box of rocks, except now she's suing her bankruptcy attorney for $5 million saying he botched the filing which resulted in her having to go to prison. You know, not because she’s a criminal or anything. And she’s still claiming that age-old, I didn’t know what I was signing argument, which, as we saw, didn’t work with the judge in her first case and hopefully won’t work with the judge in this lawsuit.

She’s a criminal, her husband’s a criminal and they got caught and she wants to play the Stupid Card? Well, we know she’s stupid, but she was just stupid enough to commit all sorts of fraud because it made her life look good for TV.

Teresa has to blame someone and she can’t hook this on Caroline or Jacqueline so …

Quick Bite: Lindsay Lohan has launched a unisex clothing line called My Addiction. Are the clothes made entirely of booze and pills and tween boys? 

Just sayin’.

Now, let’s check in again with those Fighting Exes Gabriel Aubry and Halle Berry.

Last month, Halle lab tested some hair she yanked out of her daughter, Nahla’s, hairbrush and dragged Gabriel into court to accuse him of dying and chemically straightening the girl's hair. Gabriel denied it, as well as denying allegations that he was trying to make Nahla “more white” — another one of Halle’s accusations; he says Nahla's straightened hair is the result of her asking him to blow dry it for her, and not because he wants to change her appearance because he worries she’ll start looking as crazy as Halle.

Of course, you just know that Halle will once again drag Gabriel to court and charge him with Dryer Damaging Nahla’s Hair and seek to reduce his child support because of it.

Meanwhile, Nahla has a calendar on the all, counting down the days until she’s eighteen and finally be rid of these tow morons.

Drake isn’t having the best week. First, his frenemy Chris Brown claims Drake hooked up with Brown’s on-again-off-again-on-again-off-again-whatever girlfriend, Karrueche Tran, which is the reason Brown dumped her, though he has since re-hooked up with Tran so … whatever. But now Drake and P. Diddy, er Puff Daddy, er, Puffy, er, Sean John, er, Sean Combs, er, whoever he is today, got into a fistfight in Miami over the weekend.

They were celebrating DJ Khaled’s birthday and got into it after Drake ALLEGEDLY said something “nasty” to Diddy’s girlfriend, Diddy attacked Drake, sending him to the hospital with a dislocated shoulder.

Now, DJ Sam Sneak tweeted that Diddy and Drake were not fighting over a girl, but were arguing over the rights to a song, with Diddy claiming claimed that Drake was using music without the proper rights.

A girl or a song, these are two grown assed men acting like some Real Housewives wannabes, snatching at each other’s hair in a nightclub. Drake should stick to banging Brown’s girls because I think he could take Brown in a fight, and 45-year-old … forty-five-year-old … Diddy should just go home; his fifteen minutes were up when JLo dumped him.

Okay, someone will pay for this, and that someone is Scott Rudin.

Now pay attention, because it gets complicated: they’re making another Steve Jobs bio-pic because that Ashton Kutcher one was so successful. The script was written by A-list Aaron Sorkin and to be directed by A-list David Fincher, though now Danny Boyle is attached as director. Sony had the property for a while, but it ended up going over to Universal a few months ago. It was supposed to be a big, prestigious award-bait film for Sony, with mega-producer Scott Rudin attached to produce and now he's pissed he didn't get it.

Okay, up to speed? Well, while the film was at Sony, the studio's online database was hacked and emails between Rudin and Sony co-chairperson Amy Pascal were released and most of it is Rudin bitching out Pascal because she won’t free up director David Fincher for the Jobs film.

Fincher was thinking of directing Angelina Jolie in Cleopatra, and Angie hoped the Cleo script would be ready soon because she wanted Fincher to direct. Well, Pascal was using that as an excuse to NOT hire Fincher for the Jobs film. And so that got Rudin's knickers twisted and so he shot off an email — note the all-caps shouting: 

“YOU BETTER SHUT ANGIE DOWN BEFORE SHE MAKES IT VERY HARD FOR DAVID TO DO JOBS. There is no movie to be made (and how that is a bad thing given the insanity and rampaging spoiled ego of this woman and the cost of the movie is beyond me) and if you won’t tell her that you do not like the script…

I’m not destroying my career over a minimally talented spoiled brat who thought nothing of shoving this off her plate for eighteen months so she could go direct a movie. I have no desire to be making a movie with her, or anybody, that she runs and that we don’t. She’s a camp event and a celebrity and that’s all and the last thing anybody needs is to make a giant bomb with her that any fool could see coming. 

I’m also happy to say all of this to Angie directly as I have no need to keep her happy."

Yeah, I bet he’d say that to Angie’s face and I bet she’d take him down like a large clumsy cow.

Rule #! In Hollywood: don’t besmirch Angie.

Last I heard Scot Rudin was attached to a barista job at Starbucks in the Sherman Oaks Galleria.

Okay we started with Mariah Carey Diva, and so we’ll end with someone who makes Mimi look like a nun, and that someone is Korean Air executive Heather Cho. Yeah, I’ve never heard of her either, but that didn’t stop her from going all Joan-Crawford-Mariah-Carey recently, and it goes like this …

Heather Cho, VP of Korean Air and daughter of the airline’s chairman, was forced to resign as head of in-flight service when a flight was held up because of her arrogant antics.

Before that Korean Air flight from JFK to Incheon, Korea took off last week, Heather Cho was sitting in the first class section when a flight attendant served her macadamia nuts … in a bag … and Cho went apeshit, acting like she’d been asked to take a seat in the cargo hold.

Heather Cho instantly fired that flight attendant and demanded that the cabin crew chief be brought to her, possibly in chains, I don’t know. But Cho asked the cabin crew chief if the flight attendant had ever read the in-flight service manual, because if they did they would know that macadamia nuts should be served in.a.dish, not in.a.bag. Cho then instructed the cabin crew chief to grab the manual and read the nut-handling guidelines to her.

Now, to be fair, I do have my own nut-handling guide, but I think it’s a different kind of nut … just saying.

But the cabin crew chief couldn’t find the in-flight service manual, and Cho then kicked him off the plane, after forcing the captain to take the plane back to the gate.

After Cho went nuts over nuts, she resigned from her position as executive of in-flight service, though she’s still VP of the company because Daddy is the boss. Cho also released her own stamen, saying she was just hurt because, she says, she’d been on a conference call with Nick Cannon over their impending divorce and child custody agreement … oh wait that was that other diva; Cho said:

“I am sorry to our customers and the Korean people that I unintentionally caused social uproar and I ask forgiveness from anyone who has been hurt by me. I take responsibility for the incident.”

Social uproar because the nuts were in a bag? Bitch please. And now South Korea’s Transport Ministry has launched an investigation into whether or not Heather Cho violated the Aviation Safety Law which states that passengers should not cause disturbances of any kind. If they discover that she did violate the Aviation Safety Law, she could face up to 10 years in prison … where she will no doubt find her nuts in a bag.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

The Hatfield’s and the McCoy’s ain't got nuthin' on Stewart and Paltrow.

Yup, the Rich White Lady feud goes on. As y'all remember, back in October, Martha Stewart published a Thanksgiving pie recipe in her Martha Stewart Living magazine called Conscious Coupling. 

Well, Gwyneth has yanked her hoops out her ears and fired back by posting a recipe called Jailbird Cake to GOOP.

Next up, Martha's Jennifer-Lawrence-Is-A-Tart-Who’s-Banging-Your-Ex-Husband, followed soon by Paltrow's Orange Is The New Black Forest Cake.

Rich bitch feuds are funny.

So, Kyle Chrisley — son of reality TV matriarch patriarch Todd Chrisley — has told Life & Style that Daddy is definitely gay:

“All the people he calls his best friends in the world…they’re gay. I used to work with him at Chrisley Asset Management. If one of the asset managers was going to take a piss, he would say, ‘You want me to come hold it for you?’”

The gay rumors are nothing new since a handful of former employees ALLEGE that Daddy Chrisley used to regularly comment on the size of their junk, and would invite make employees to, ahem, "jerk off’ with him in the restroom;" Daddy has also been accused of inappropriately touching employees, and making sexual gestures toward subordinates.

Asked to comment on his son's latest allegations, Todd instead let a rep speak for him:

"[Todd] is not concentrating on the words that Kyle is saying, but rather on getting him the necessary psychiatrist and medical care he so desperately needs.” 

Snap. Sonny says daddy’s a 'mo, and daddy says sonny is crazy. Lovely family, no?

No.

Onto Lohan ... Since things seem to be going so well for Lindsay in London — she's actually showing up to performances of Speed-The-Plow and not being completely terrible — rumor has it that she's ready to ply her trade — not that trade — in Hollywood again.

A source close to Lohan — set down the Chardonnay and take a bow, Dina — says that when Speed-The-Plow wraps next week, Lohan will be heading back to the big screen in a trio of star turns:

“Lindsay is doing better than she has in years! Lindsay is determined to be a movie star again. Lindsay plans to return home to her family in New York for a bit and is then heading to L.A. because she has three big movies that she is getting ready to star in.”

Well, according to IMDB, those "star turns" are in films like a thriller called Soul Carriers, a zombie movie called Six Gun Dead, and a sci-fi movie called Life Travelers, with Lindsay being the most famous name in all of them. And her co-stars are listed as "Starbucks barista" and "GAP shirt-folder."

Yeas, she's making a comeback—

Comeback?!!? I hate that word: It's a return!

Who’s the bigger queen, Elizabeth, or William and Kate?

With Duchess Kate and Prince William coming to the US in a couple of weeks, the British Monarchy has sent out a dress code for any American reporter who wants to talk to their royal highnesses. So, if you even think about asking Kate a question while wearing a GAP t-shirt, or some kind of Sears schmata, think again because you will not be allowed anywhere near royalty.

Here’s what you need to know — direct from the Palace:

Journalists wishing to cover Royal engagements, whether in the United Kingdom or abroad, should comply with the dress code on formal occasions out of respect for the guests of The Queen, or any other member of the Royal Family. Smart attire for men includes the wearing of a jacket and tie, and for women a trouser or skirt suit. Those wearing jeans or trainers will not be admitted and casually dressed members of the media will be turned away. This also applies to technicians.

Turned away is Brit-speak for hauled off to the Tower of London where you will be beheaded.

Leave those Reeboks at home, y’all, it ain’t worth dying over.

So, when last we left Halle Berry, she was trying to have her child support payments to ex-baby daddy, Gabriel Aubry, cut from 16K a month to just 3K because she says Gabriel’s living off her dough. But, the judge in the case told Halle to take a seat and rethink both her lawsuit and her recent career choices — Extant, anyone — but Halle ain’t playing.

Now, she’s filed another suit because she says Gabriel is … wait for it … it borders on child abuse … straightening and lightening their daughter Nahla’s hair.

Oh.The.Humanity. In the court papers — and, seriously, to Halle Berry this is a lawsuit — Halle claims that Gabriel has denied dyeing Nahla’s hair, so Halle cut a piece out and sent it to a lab for testing. Halle says she noticed a difference in her daughter’s hair when Nahla returned from a visit to Gabriel in August 2013, saying: 

"Gabriel continues to maintain that he has done and is doing nothing to cause the extensive straightening, color changes, stripping and damaging of our daughter’s hair. [But] I have personally observed the changes in Nahla’s hair texture and color over the last year. I have never personally experienced hair damage nor have I ever known a single person whose hair has suffered such excessive changes from spending time in a salt water pool (or even chlorinated water) and sunlight."

Then Halle offered up ‘before and after’ photos of Nahla to the court and said:

"I have since reviewed the laboratory report concerning this very hair sample that I obtained, which confirms to me that Gabriel has not been truthful about what he has done and had been doing to our daughter’s hair. I continue to worry about the potential psychological and physical damage to Nahla that can be caused by the use of chemical hair treatments and the psychological message that it conveys to Nahla, and to implore the court to put a stop to Gabriel’s attempts to alter our daughter’s appearance and most probably cause her to wonder why her natural appearance is not good enough."

Apparently Halle’s lawyer actually claimed that Gabriel is trying to make Nahla look white — okay, that’s what TMZ says, though Halle’s own words seem to suggest it, too — and a judge actually ordered Gabriel to stop changing Nahla’s hair. But, he’s also ordered Halle to stop futzing with their daughter’s appearance, too.

Seriously? Maybe Nahla asked her Daddy to fix her hair, and maybe she didn’t. Did anyone ask her? Or did they just file a lawsuit? A hair injunction? I think Halle needs to get a hobby, and by hobby I mean anything that doesn’t involve her suing her daughter’s father every other week.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Ariana Grande Latte is still, ALLEGEDLY, acting like a spoiled child diva, y’all. Now, to be fair, she’s been trying to work on that, but … cue music …  ♫ ♪ when you’re a brat you’re a brat all the way from your first living breath to your last dying day ♪ ♫ ... shoutout to Sondheim.

But, to hear Ariana tell it, she’s just a nice girl from Boca and everyone else is just lying about her except … well, while she recently took to Twitter to insist that her diva reputation isn’t accurate, the story broke that, while at the BBC Radio 1’s Teen Awards last month, Ariana demanded that an assistant feed her water when she was thirsty, rather than simply carry a bottle herself.

A witness — and it was probably Mariah trying to sneak in a few voice lessons — says, “She had an assistant follow her around with a bottle of water and a straw and as soon as she was feeling a bit parched, she was scream ‘WATER!’ and the girl would scurry over.”

But then baby got angry because the water was too warm, and so after screaming for it, she spit it out.

As I’ve said before, she’s been called Mariah Junior, but she’s trying to outdo the diva, dahlings.

So, we talked a while ago about Halle Berry wanting to lower her child support payments from $16,000 a month to $3,800 a month to Baby Daddy # 1, Gabriel Aubrey because she says he’s living off her money and refuses to work. Halle argued that $3,800 is enough to take care of their daughter Nahla’s expenses and Gabriel can get a job himself to help pay some of the expenses.

Now, Gabriel’s lawyer has a response and, well, it’s a smack at Halle and her husband, AKA Baby Daddy # 2, Olivier Martinez. You may remember that about 2 years ago, Halle, Olivier and Gabriel got into a spat at Halle’s house and Olivier punched Gabriel in the face. And now, Gabriel says, his modeling career has been ruined by the fisticuffs.

But, Gabriel looks as good now as he did then so …. Halle’s lawyer snapped back, posting a list of expenses that Gabriel uses Nahla’s child support to pay for, and arguing that Gabriel should be paying these bills himself:

$740 a month for Gabriel’s “Fitness” — because he needs to stay in shape if Fists Of Fury Martinez should strike again.

$940 a month in clothing — he lists Nahla’s clothing expenses separately — $675 a month

$700 a month for Gabriel’s health insurance — again, if Olivier punches him one more time, he’ll need to see a doctor

$1,975 a month in car expenses — he lives in California, so that’s probably just gas

$1,100 a month in furniture and electronics — for the love of the Baby Jeebus? Is he renting furniture from Rent-A-Center?

Now that I see that, I hope the judge smacks Halle and raises the child support to $32,000 a month so Gabriel can get out from under that RAC contract!

So, two months ago, Lindsay Lohan and her younger brother Michael Jr. were slapped with a cease-and-desist letter by their former business partner Fima Potik who discovered, after parting ways with The Lohans, that those thieving siblings had taken his concept for a virtual shopping app called Spotted Friend and launched their own virtual shopping app called Vigme.

Well, the Lohans being Lohans, they thought a cease-and-desist was a compliment so Michael kept the site up and running so now they’re being sued … for $60,000,000.

Sixty million? Lindsay doesn’t have sixty cents to rub together, so Potik filed a lawsuit claiming Lindsay and Junior stole his idea, along with some big name investors like Arianna Huffington, and started a competing business. He also claims they had access to the Spotted Friend software and a beta version of the app and now he wants $60,000,000.

Well is Lindsay gonna get sixty million? Her Speed-the-Plow ticket prices have plummeted to roughly $25 bucks a seat so she’d have to … wait … carry the one … sell 2,400,000 tickets just to pay him off.

But who’s gonna buy the vodka and the white stuff if she’s paying off that bill?

Calling Oprah! Maybe she will do that second craptastic season of Lindsay!

It seems that police officers in California are getting a little sick of Selena Gomez, and not just because she schtups, breaks up with, schtups, breaks up with, and then schtups Little Justin Bieber.

No, apparently Selena has called police three times claiming that someone was in her house and police have promptly responded to discover that no one, no one, was in Selena’s home, or trying to break into Selena’s home, or anywhere near Selena’s home.

In fact, police have apparently told her to lock the mother-effing door instead of calling police every time she comes home to an unlocked house and thinks someone is inside.

Perhaps she should put Justin on a choke chain with a cartoon of eggs outside her home?

Oh Chris Brown, every time I think you can’t score lower on the Douche-o-meter, you prove me wrong.

It seems Little Chrissy got all kinds of pissy when The Real co-host Adrienne Bailonb talked some smack about his on-again-off-again girlfriend Karrueche Tran. Bailon opined that someone like Karrueche stays with someone like Chris — a twit with anger issues and assault charges — because she loves the Brown Fame Train.

Well, Chrissy didn’t like that and because he’s a douche he took aim at Bailon on social media, the new OK Corral. He posted a picture of Bailon to Instagram — which he later deleted, naturally — calling her a “trout mouth ass bitch” and accusing her of opening her legs to married men while she was opening her legs to Rob Kardashian for fame; oddly, though, that’s the same thing she implied about Tran, eh?

Then, inexplicably, he also went after Bailon’s The Real co-host Tamar Braxton, calling her “Muppet face ass” and “the ugly [Braxton] sister.”

But, even after his rant, and even after deleting the pictures, he wasn’t done shooting off his illiterate mouth. He posted a video of himself to Instagram ranting about folks being entitled to their opinions and that “what you drink don’t make me piss.”

Maybe the title of an upcoming single because that makes no sense. And, of course, the “lady” in question, Karrueche Tran weighed in with her own Instagram rant: “Unlike most of you… I could care less about the opinions of others. Drama doesn’t amuse me – so yes @tamarbraxton I do have a voice, just not like yours. However my bf I can’t speak for. We all know he has no chill.”

Yeah, the angry little boy who beats up girls has no chill.

Howsabout some Mariah?

A photographer has filed a lawsuit against Mimi’s record label claiming that Mimi owes him several thousand dollars after she bailed on a photo shoot for her album cover. The photographer is suing for $150,000, which includes his fee, plus the following expenses:

$65,391 for a stylist to squeeze Mimi into a size 6.

$9,600 for a hair stylist to add yards of human hair to Mimi’s scalp

$7,200 for a makeup artist—meaning a spackler and a plasterer.

$2,400 for a manicurist to de-sharpen Mimi’s talon’s after cutting Nick Cannon from her life

In response to the lawsuit, Mimi’s record label claims they never fully agreed on the terms of the contract, and they’ve pretty much told him to piss off.

That’s $85,000 Mimi spends on people paid to make her look like a natural beauty.

Just sayin’.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

When last we left Taylor Swift and Katy Perry they were throwing shade at one another in interviews and on Twitter. Oh, they never say each other’s name, but it’s clear TayTay’s pissy with KayKay, and vice versa; about backup dancers and John Mayor, fer chrissakes!

And now Katy has upped the feud by cozying up to one of Swifty’s many, many, ex-boyfriends … Harry Styles … boyband Harry Styles.

A source — and we know it’s Katy “anonymously” fanning the flames of PopTartFeud — says Katy has been openly flirting with the tween-star:  “Katy had her hand on his arm and was playing with her hair – she was being really obvious.”

And so, naturally, someone passed a note to Taylor in English class and now a source from Taylor’s camp — and you know it’s actually Taylor because the other people in Taylor’s camp are probably grown-ups with real  problems — says:  “Taylor thinks Katy orchestrated this whole thing just to mess with her. It makes her blood boil that Katy has this sweet-as-pie image when she’s one of the most conniving girls in Hollywood. Taylor calls her ‘the evil one’ – that’s how much she hates her.”

Pot.Kettle … Both of you need to clam up, or maybe there should be a food fight in the cafeteria after school and settle this once and for all.

What do you give the child who has everything … except two parents who are constantly running around the globe without her?

Well, if you’re baby NorthSouthEastWest, you get dolls that look just like mommy Kim Kardastrophe and daddy KrayKray West so you never ever start thinking the nannies are your real parents.

I guess that’s easier than actually having to be around your child. And I imagine Kimye will commission talking I Love You NorthSouthEastWest dolls soon enough.

After kicking off her tour in Tokyo things started going downhill for Mariah Carey rather quickly.

First, her voice went, and then she dropped some hints during a cover of Billie Holiday’s ‘Don’t Explain’ that soon-to-be ex-husband Nick Cannon may have cheated on her.

In an audio recording from the show, you can hear Mimi change the lyrics from ‘Right or wrong don’t matter/And I know you cheat” to “I know you cheated, motherf–ker.”

First off, she’s no Jay Z when it comes to changing lyrics, and secondly I cannot imagine who would want Nick Cannon’s corny ass. But, if Mimi keeps this up, Tiny Bratz Doll Ariana Grande Latte will overtake her as the biggest diva in the world.

Short bites … rumors are swirling that Oprah wants to do a second season of the craptastic, lie-filled, Lindsay: On Her Own.

Seriously? That heifer needs to set down the cookies and think straight for a minute.

Y’all know that I think Gwyneth Paltrow is the worst, right? So high and mighty, so hardworking, such a great hardworking single mom with servants and million dollar paychecks; my.heart.bleeds. But what is fun about Goop is her feud with Domestic Diva, and Jailbird, Martha Stewart. 

What’s fun is how Martha laid down the law and told Paltrow she should stick to acting and stay out of the lifestyle game or risk being shivved at the Canyon Ranch spa during a mud bath. Or something.

And Gwyneth’s response? The “I don’t really care, I’m just being me” rant:

“First of all, no one has ever said anything bad about me before, so I’m shocked and devastated. I’ll try to recover. [She laughs] If I’m really honest, I’m so psyched that she sees us as competition. I’m so psyched. I really am. I think that when anybody criticizes anyone, it’s revealing more about where they are in time and space as opposed to where you are in time and space. I think generally we tend to lash out if we’re in a, you know it’s usually a reflection of something else.”

Bitch please. To say that Martha Stewart has anything to be intimidated by from Gwyneth “Harvey Weinstein Bought Me An Oscar” Paltrow is the height of hilarity. And it ain’t over because, you know, Martha always gets the last word, but that story is coming up …

So, The Brawlin’ Palins … a new police report details the fight that broke out at an Anchorage house party that including some of the Palin clan, like Blister, that blight on the family’s ass, who punched the host several times in the face.

No arrests were made, and no one wanted to press charges, but according to the report officers responded to the party after a report of a fight among about 20 people outside. According to incident reports, Blister, the grown-assed, single-mother, unemployed daughter of Mama Grizzly Bore™ punched the homeowner, Korey Klingenmeyer, several times and at one point ended up on the ground herself.

But the biggest and bestest part? Remember when the story broke and MGB™ took to Facebook to laugh the whole thing off as a lie because she wasn’t even in Alaska that night? Yeah, lie. The reports says that even though MGB™ was there, she didn’t throw any punches because, well, maybe she was drunk and passed out on the family snowmobile?

That sounds feasible … the family that brawls together falls together..

Well, we’re still waiting for the next Tom Cruise Handpicked Wife Pageant to begin, after a series of false starts.

First, he was rumored to be “romancing” his Mission: Impossible 5 co-star, Rebecca Ferguson because she was a Nicky Kidman look-a-like — how creepy is that, Tommy? But then he moved on from her and was set-up with Scientology robot, and OITNB actress Laura Prepon after a brief audition from Elisabeth Moss. And there were rumors that actress — writing that makes me laugh — and dancer, Julianne Hough, was on the short list, but then people began laughing about Tommy dating schoolgirls again — after practically marrying Katie Holmes at her high school prom — so he never went for Hough at all.

And now he’s set to make his move, ALLEGEDLY, and the National Enquirer says Tom’s ready to make his move with a woman closer to his own age, Sandra Bullock.

Oh.God.No. Run, Sandy, run.

According to the tabloid, friends of Tommy and Sandy are trying to set the two up for romance in what may be Hollywood’s hottest love new love match after Sandy’s divorce from her serial cheating husband, and after Tom’s third wife escaped the Cruise Compound with a sheet and a flashlight.

This story can’t be true. I mean, maybe it’s true that Tom’s people are putting out tabloid feelers but does anyone with half a brain think Sandra Bullock, sane, level headed down to earth Sandra Bullock, would ever hook-up, much less marry, Tiny Egomaniac Tommy Grrl Cruise?

Seriously? I mean look at that picture and the look on Sandy's face and the way she's leaning way back. Seriously, she's like someone get crazy away from me!

More tabloid gossip? Okay … Star Magazine is running a story that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner’s marriage is on the rocks after Ben had an affair with Gone Girl co-star Emily Ratajkowski. And after his addiction to gambling kept getting him thrown out of casinos.

Now, Star doesn’t outright accuse Ben of cheating because, well, lawsuit, but they do drop a lot of hints that there was some nasty happening and that Jennifer found out and so Ben pays the price … by gushing about his wife in interviews which has insiders whispering that their lovey-dovey talk is hiding their marital crisis.

Which began when Ben handpicked — pun intended — Emily to play his lover in the film, and then got really close to her during filming because, well, research?

Research, indeed. And this isn’t the first time Ben’s been accused of cheating; he boinked a stripper while dating JLo and rumor has it he was very close to Blake Lively during the filming of The Town.

And where there’s smoke, there’s Jennifer Garner burning Ben’s suits on the back lawn.

What is it with British men having babies left and right, all willy nilly, and with whomever?

First we had High Grant knocking up two different women at the same time, and now comes word that Jude Law impregnated yet another woman whom he is no longer dating.

Here’s the story: Jude Law and Sadie Frost were married for years, and had three children together. They split up around the time Jude was filming Cold Mountain, and it was rumored he had an affair with Nicole Kidman.  After Sadie dumped Jude he began boinking Sienna Miller until he began banging his kids’ nanny. Then Jude a one night stand with Samantha Burke which resulted in another baby, daughter Sophia.

Skip ahead to today because Jude got his ex-girlfriend Catherine Harding pregnant.

Does he have an aversion to birth control? Or is he trying to out-hugh Grant?

I guess when your TV show bombs and you no longer have a regular paycheck, you need to cut back on expenses, right? I mean, how else can we explain why Halle Berry, who was ordered last spring to pay 16K a month in child support to her ex-baby-daddy, Gabriel Aubry, along with over $100,000 in missed child support payments. And that was reduced from the monthly 20K she’d been court ordered to pay in 2012.

Now, Halle’s pissed, and unemployed, and complaining that Aubry he has been living off child support, and she wants it stopped; or at least she wants her payments lowered from 16K a month to 3K. She says Gabriel is perfectly capable of getting a job and that by reducing the support it will force him to get a job — and then she’ll say he can’t parent because he’s always working — and she says 3K a month is a nice dome for daughter Nahla to have a comfortable life — though not as comfortable as life with Mama which then means Halle will say Nahla is better off with her.

Halle needs to stop; she made a baby with a man and then moved on with another man, with whom she made another baby. She needs to stop.

I mean, who does she think she is, Jude Law? Hugh Grant?

Back to Martha’s feud with Goop, and Martha’s latest high-larious salvo.

In the new issue of Martha Stewart Living, Martha went full-out assault badass on Paltrow by playing off Gwyneth’s break-up announcement that she and Chris Martin were “consciously uncoupling.”

Here’s the page in the magazine and here’s what it says:

“Every Thanksgiving table should be blessed with the presence of a long-married pair who bring out the best in each other, are completely enamored despite their differences, and leave every other guest thinking, I’ll have what they’re having. Our holiday pies honor such so there’s a pleasant mix of textures and flavors in every bite. No matter how you slice partnerships, each spotlighting the perfect marriage of crust and filling these six irresistible desserts, there is a whole lot to love.”

As you can see, “perfect marriage” is in BOLD!! Martha knows how to salt a wound.

Score: Stewart 2, Paltrow 1.

And what’s next? Jennifer Lawrence on the cover of Martha Stewart Living.

I.Can’t.Wait.

And, speaking of Jennifer Lawrence … We know Martha has a Goop Voodoo doll, but now even JLaw is taking swipes at Paltrow and her “lifestyle.”

In a new interview with Vanity Fair, Lawrence puts herself firmly in the bread-and-pasta crowd, saying gluten-free is “the new cool eating disorder, the ‘basically I just don’t eat carbs.’”

Now, that could be JLaw throwing shade at Goop because Paltrow is more famous now for her ALLEGED healthy eating than she is for her acting and recently published a cookbook of her favorite gluten-free recipes.

I sense a JLaw-MStew tag-team and I’m loving it.