I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Lindsay Lohan spent last week in New York, celebrating her birthday, and then rushed back to London to begin preparing for her stage debut in David Mamet’s Speed-the-Plow.

Unfortunately, it seems she’s up to her old tricks. A source — and you know it’s Dina “All press is good press” Lohan — says Lindsay is off-the-wagon on on-the-party-bus again and is so out of control that she arrives late to rehearsals late, is unprepared to rehearse, or simply doesn’t show at all.

It’s like when she did Georgia Rule, with Jane Fonda, and the CEO of production publicly chastised her  for her unprofessional behavior; it’s like when The Canyons screenwriter Bret Easton Ellis called her “mixed up,” “scattered” and “bossy;” it’s like when she kept the film crew of her reality show docu-series waiting because she “was unavailable” to film. It’s typical Lohan.

On the other hand, an unnamed spokesperson for the production — and that could be Dina, too, after a box of Chardonnay — says that “rehearsals are not yet under way and casting still in progress.”

So, maybe she isn’t late? Or maybe she isn’t even actually cast in it yet?

Remember all the run-up to the pre-divorce ceremony of Kim Kardastrophe and The Madman? I mean it was everywhere; they were everywhere; and after the wedding, for a few scant days, they were everywhere else. Now? Not so much. But maybe it’s because Kim has figured out a way to make her third marriage last longer than the first two: never see your husband.

Since marrying in that trashy Italian wedding forty-eight days ago, the K’s have spent exactly nine days together, most of which occurred during the honeymoon-slash-Photoshop workshop.

A source — and you know it’s That Woman whoring out the gossip on her own children — says Kim and Kanye have started living separate lives ever since Kanye discovered that his porn-star-fame-whore-thrice-married bride only cares about herself, her show, her family, herself:

“Kanye now recognizes that Kim’s main interest are shopping and lounging around a pool. It’s really concerning to Kanye that Kim doesn’t even want to try to experience new things.”

Like threesomes; with her husband and, ALLEGEDLY, an Italian designer?

Oh Katherine Heigl, you do go on.

After she bolted Grey’s Anatomy for a film career that lasted all of a hot minute, she dragged her ass back to TV and a new drama, a Scandal-lite NBC show called State of Affairs. She is known to be, well, a bitch on TV sets and film sets, parking lots and grocery stores, and so that begs the question, what does she have to say for herself?

“I certainly don’t see myself as being difficult. I would never intend to be difficult. If I ever disappointed somebody, it was never intentional.”

Wow. Could that be more of an admission that she’s a raging bitch? I would never intend to be difficult. Okay, so it wasn’t a plan, it just was? That’s like the ultimate non-apology-apology; if you thought I was a controlling, backstabbing, talentless hack, well, that wasn’t my intention.

Sit down Katie.

After Jenny McCarthy was let go fired quit fired from The View she announced that she would be back on her own show, yakking the yak, uninterrupted and, possibly, airing opposite The View. I figured she’d be live Tweeting, but apparently she got a job on not-so-Sirius radio for a one hour a week — down from five hours of TV so it is a step down, y’all — called Dirty, Sexy, Funny; I’m guessing Stupid, Lame, and Soon-To-Be-Cancelled was already taken?

Here’s what Jenny lied to told Howard Stern about her career:

“If I wanted to stay with Rosie and I was a Republican, I would still be there right now [but] it’s like halfway into it, it was probably around February, I went, ‘God I’m not allowed to be the best of me here,’ I feel like to have a voice, to be able to speak without having to interrupt people…It’s very difficult, and I don’t like doing it, it’s very uncomfortable, so I felt like, ‘You know what? Maybe this is just a stepping stone for me to go somewhere where I can actually be my full self.’”

I think she means full of herself.

PS Jenny had a talk show on VH1 with much the same premise before she was hired by The View and that went by the wayside faster than you can say Jenny who?

Meanwhile, back at serious actress Lohan.

I guess rehearsals for Speed-the-Plow haven’t started because as soon as Lohan hit London, she was off again to a film festival in Ischia, Italy where her greatest accomplishment was getting drunk and taking a tumble.

The obvious question is why was Lindsay at a film festival? Her last film crashed and burned in a week at the box office and the big film she was signed onto at the end of her reality show docu-series never happened so why was she there?

Party. Party for the girl who’s been giving interviews all over England saying she wants to be taken seriously as an actress and not just some globe-trotting Tara Reid 2.0. I mean she keeps saying she moved to London because the paparazzi aren’t as in-your-face and she can act and work and be on-set, not some cracked out wacktress going to any film festival because someone gave her a free ticket for publicity.

But she did, and she partied and then she fell down and went boom. Like her career.

Brody Jenner is hot; smoking hot. I know, he might be kind of a douche, but I can overlook the douchiness for the hotness. He looks like a younger version of his father, Bruce Jenner, before age and Botox and ombre hair coloring and facelifts got in the way. I could just stare at him all day …

But I’m not here to talk about his beauty; I’m here to talk about his feud with the Kash Kow, Kim Kardastrophe-West. Y’all remember that he didn’t go to the pre-divorce ceremony in Italy because Kim wouldn’t let him bring his girlfriend, though she cleared space in an overhead compartment for NorthSouthEastWest, right?

But Brody is now saying he didn’t go because he was “busy” playing DJ in Chicago and couldn’t squeeze in his step-sister’s mockery of marriage because, well, there will be others. Still, please to explain how Brody beat feet, with his girlfriend, to attend the wedding of Kim’s ex-boyfriend Reggie Bush over the weekend?

Yup, he skipped the Kash Kow Fiasco but went to see her ex tie the knot. I’m guessing that won’t air on their “reality” show because it’s all too real.

God, I loathe Cameron Diaz. I find her kinda skanky, very annoying, lacking in talent, and just plain obnoxious. I also think — and maybe it’s just me — that the only reason she has a career is because she puts out … ALLEGEDLY. I have no other explanation for her film career.

And while she went to the premiere of her latest film, Sex Tape … yawn … she was apparently a giant bitch to the fans, er, fan who gathered along the red carpet to catch a whiff of her. In fact, both she and her Sex Tape co-star Jason Segel flopped with fans because they refused to sign autographs or even allow pictures to be taken. In fact, the only thing Cameron deigned to do was lecture a fan:

“When a 20-something fan asked Jason for a photo as he left the premiere he said, ‘No’ and literally slammed the car door right in the fan’s face. People gasped, that’s how bad it was. And when Cameron was spotted, she also refused the fans telling them, ‘If I did it for you I’d have to do it for everyone.”

Funny, she makes out there was a mob of people waiting for them after the film, when there was just a handful of fans on the sidewalk.

I’m kind of hoping that only a handful of fans will bother to see this film.