I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Word out of Hollywood is that Jennifer Aniston has hired an Oscar strategist named Lisa Taback, who previously worked on the Oscar campaigns for The King’s Speech and The Artist.

Seriously, Aniston wants an Oscar so badly, that she’s hired someone to help her win it? And what exactly does an Oscar strategist do? Here’s how I’d do it: Hey Jen? Get yourself a part in a film of substance for a change and try to act for a change. No need to go sans makeup or have a scar put on your face. Just be good at your job … for a change.

M’kay, I wouldn’t last long in the Oscar Strategist job.

Here’s how I see an Oscar in Jennifer Aniston’s future … cut to 2034, a retired former comic actress Jennifer Aniston appears on a TV screen eating a sandwich, and then begins to sing …

♫♪ My bologna has a first name … it’s O-S-C-A-R …♪♫

Aniston.Oscar. My work here is done.

Oh Gwynnie, now it’s not just Martha throwing shade at you, it‘s Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer.

And she out-elitists Paltrow at every turn! It seems Paltrow — Oscar winner … sorry Jen … best-selling cookbook author, lifestyle “expert” — wanted to work with Yahoo as an editor for the website’s food division but Mayer put the kibosh on that because … wait for it … I’m loving it … Gwyneth Paltrow doesn’t have a college degree.

According to a new book, Mayer and the Fight to Save Yahoo! By Nicholas Carson, Mayer — a 39-year-old Stanford grad who’s a stickler for degrees — “balked” at obtaining Paltrow’s services, despite Paltrow’s ego and fame and website and ego and star power and ego, because she “disapproved of the fact that Paltrow did not graduate college.”

To be fair, Paltrow did attend the University of California, Santa Barbara — a feat that at least two biographies of Goop attributed to her family’s long relationship with UCSB alum Michael Douglas — but left after one year to become an actress.

And so, twenty years later, hoping to be a contributor to Yahoo, Goop gets the news that college dropouts, no matter large their egos, needn’t apply.

My.Heart.Weeps.

Are Kim Kardastrophe and KrayKray West headed for a d-i-v-o-r-c-e?

Well, maybe yes, maybe no. I say no because their marriage seems to be one based on media attention, not actual love for one another because the pair rarely spend any time together at all. I mean, Kanye spent Thanksgiving eating dinner in Paris with male friends, while Kimmy was at home basting the turkey all by her lonesome.

And now, because he’s ALLEGEDLY working on new music, he may spend Christmas away from his shrew wife and Kimmy is livid … well, she’s mad because for her to be livid you’d have to first explain what livid means.

Still, a couple of weeks back,  the couple did get to spend some quality time together during a family outing to Disney On Ice at Staples Center … until the middle of the show when Kanye up and left and never returned.

Perhaps one of his male friends was hungry?

Still, I’m guessing this mess of a marriage works because they rarely see one another, I mean, with one having an ego the size of his wife’s ass and the other having an ass the size of her husband’s ego.

Selena Gomez used to be BFFs with Taylor Swift; and they’re still friendly every now and again, when Selena breaks up with Justin Bieber for a hot minute to sing a song about how much she loves him and then go back to him so she can break up with him again.

But, apparently she now misses Little Biebs so much that she spent most of Swifty’s birthday party sobbing on the terrace over her broken relationship with that egg-tossing-drag-racing-Sizzurp-slurping too.

According to witnesses at TayTay’s 25th birthday party — attended by fellow media whores Jay Z and Beyoncé — at Swifty’s NYC penthouse, Selena was reportedly crying out on the terrace because she misses her Little Man and shouting, at anyone who would listen:

“No one understands me! My boyfriend doesn’t even understand me.”

Oh honey, we understand you. You’re a delusional young girl who thinks your life is wrapped up with a Twit.

Problem is, you don’t understand that.

Gosh, the folks at NBC”s Today Show are really desperate to grab some ratings away from Good Morning America, even going so far as to cancel an interview with Amy Adams because she wouldn’t talk about The Sony Hack.

Really.  Adams was in NYC to promote Big Eyes, which comes out on Christmas Eve and was directed by Tim Burton and distributed by The Weinstein Company. No connection to Sony whatsoever.

And yet, when Amy Adams went on Today all they wanted to talk about was the Sony Hack. Adams came to the set, and although she’d already told producers she did not, and would not, discuss The Hack, she once again had to tell the bigwigs that she would prefer to avoid the subject, given this was a four-minute interview and she was there to talk about her movie which, again, has nothing to do with Sony.

Adams says she was told that Today is a news organization — how’s that for high-larity? — and she was told no one dictates their interviews. Adams didn’t balk, and was, in fact, shown on TV screens as an upcoming segment and then … nothing.

The show bounced her, pulled her segment and completely wasted her time, though Today execs are spinning it that Adams was at fault and behaved like some kind of hellcat.

Who says hellcat anymore?

Here’s the deal: she was there to talk Big Eyes and had just four minutes to do it, but they wanted to talk The Hack because they’re desperate to appear relevant. Now they’ll be hard-pressed to ever get Adams back or any other actor who wants to promote a film and not Sony.

Stupid move, NBC ... NBC ... No.Body.Cares.

Last week, several unfinished tracks from Madonna’s latest album were leaked onto the internet by someone or a few someone’s who just couldn’t wait to hear some auto-tuned dance tunes from an aging, surgically enhanced diva.

But the best part of this is how Madge, speaking in that clipped British accent she’s not-yet-quite-perfected, tells the tale of living in a “state of terror” since the leak:

“Obviously there is a person, or a group of people behind this that were essentially terrorizing me. I don’t want to sound alarming, but certainly that’s how I felt. It’s one thing if someone comes into your house and steals a painting off your wall: that’s also a violation, but, your work, as an artist, that’s devastating. I’m an artistic person, I’m very expressive. I’m sorry if words alarm people, but that’s what it felt like. It was not a consensual agreement. I did not say ‘hey, here’s my music, and it’s finished.’ It was theft.”

Oh, it’s theft all right, but, Madge, seriously, calm yourself down … settle ... settle … sip some tea … because leaking your music, or what passes for music these days, is not terrorism.

Nobody died, dear, though I’m sure ear drums will be bleeding.

So after The Interview was made — detailing in all its high comedy the assassination of a country’s leader because that’s funny stuff — Sony found its emails hacked and all kinds of bad stuff happened.

So, Sony pulled the move after what Homeland Security called "not credible threats" of something happening should the film open on Christmas as planned and then ... cue publicity ... and now cue Sony saying they will release The Interview on Christmas after all.

Now, I know they were hacked and all kinds of private info and emails were released, but, show of hands, who feels like Sony just played The Hack for more publicity for what was bound to be another Franco bomb?

And seriously, now they’re playing it like it would be unpatriotic if you don’t go see this piece of crap.

F**k you Sony. This was just a stunt and I ain’t buying that … or a ticket to this piece of schlock.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Ariana Grande Latte is still, ALLEGEDLY, acting like a spoiled child diva, y’all. Now, to be fair, she’s been trying to work on that, but … cue music …  ♫ ♪ when you’re a brat you’re a brat all the way from your first living breath to your last dying day ♪ ♫ ... shoutout to Sondheim.

But, to hear Ariana tell it, she’s just a nice girl from Boca and everyone else is just lying about her except … well, while she recently took to Twitter to insist that her diva reputation isn’t accurate, the story broke that, while at the BBC Radio 1’s Teen Awards last month, Ariana demanded that an assistant feed her water when she was thirsty, rather than simply carry a bottle herself.

A witness — and it was probably Mariah trying to sneak in a few voice lessons — says, “She had an assistant follow her around with a bottle of water and a straw and as soon as she was feeling a bit parched, she was scream ‘WATER!’ and the girl would scurry over.”

But then baby got angry because the water was too warm, and so after screaming for it, she spit it out.

As I’ve said before, she’s been called Mariah Junior, but she’s trying to outdo the diva, dahlings.

So, we talked a while ago about Halle Berry wanting to lower her child support payments from $16,000 a month to $3,800 a month to Baby Daddy # 1, Gabriel Aubrey because she says he’s living off her money and refuses to work. Halle argued that $3,800 is enough to take care of their daughter Nahla’s expenses and Gabriel can get a job himself to help pay some of the expenses.

Now, Gabriel’s lawyer has a response and, well, it’s a smack at Halle and her husband, AKA Baby Daddy # 2, Olivier Martinez. You may remember that about 2 years ago, Halle, Olivier and Gabriel got into a spat at Halle’s house and Olivier punched Gabriel in the face. And now, Gabriel says, his modeling career has been ruined by the fisticuffs.

But, Gabriel looks as good now as he did then so …. Halle’s lawyer snapped back, posting a list of expenses that Gabriel uses Nahla’s child support to pay for, and arguing that Gabriel should be paying these bills himself:

$740 a month for Gabriel’s “Fitness” — because he needs to stay in shape if Fists Of Fury Martinez should strike again.

$940 a month in clothing — he lists Nahla’s clothing expenses separately — $675 a month

$700 a month for Gabriel’s health insurance — again, if Olivier punches him one more time, he’ll need to see a doctor

$1,975 a month in car expenses — he lives in California, so that’s probably just gas

$1,100 a month in furniture and electronics — for the love of the Baby Jeebus? Is he renting furniture from Rent-A-Center?

Now that I see that, I hope the judge smacks Halle and raises the child support to $32,000 a month so Gabriel can get out from under that RAC contract!

So, two months ago, Lindsay Lohan and her younger brother Michael Jr. were slapped with a cease-and-desist letter by their former business partner Fima Potik who discovered, after parting ways with The Lohans, that those thieving siblings had taken his concept for a virtual shopping app called Spotted Friend and launched their own virtual shopping app called Vigme.

Well, the Lohans being Lohans, they thought a cease-and-desist was a compliment so Michael kept the site up and running so now they’re being sued … for $60,000,000.

Sixty million? Lindsay doesn’t have sixty cents to rub together, so Potik filed a lawsuit claiming Lindsay and Junior stole his idea, along with some big name investors like Arianna Huffington, and started a competing business. He also claims they had access to the Spotted Friend software and a beta version of the app and now he wants $60,000,000.

Well is Lindsay gonna get sixty million? Her Speed-the-Plow ticket prices have plummeted to roughly $25 bucks a seat so she’d have to … wait … carry the one … sell 2,400,000 tickets just to pay him off.

But who’s gonna buy the vodka and the white stuff if she’s paying off that bill?

Calling Oprah! Maybe she will do that second craptastic season of Lindsay!

It seems that police officers in California are getting a little sick of Selena Gomez, and not just because she schtups, breaks up with, schtups, breaks up with, and then schtups Little Justin Bieber.

No, apparently Selena has called police three times claiming that someone was in her house and police have promptly responded to discover that no one, no one, was in Selena’s home, or trying to break into Selena’s home, or anywhere near Selena’s home.

In fact, police have apparently told her to lock the mother-effing door instead of calling police every time she comes home to an unlocked house and thinks someone is inside.

Perhaps she should put Justin on a choke chain with a cartoon of eggs outside her home?

Oh Chris Brown, every time I think you can’t score lower on the Douche-o-meter, you prove me wrong.

It seems Little Chrissy got all kinds of pissy when The Real co-host Adrienne Bailonb talked some smack about his on-again-off-again girlfriend Karrueche Tran. Bailon opined that someone like Karrueche stays with someone like Chris — a twit with anger issues and assault charges — because she loves the Brown Fame Train.

Well, Chrissy didn’t like that and because he’s a douche he took aim at Bailon on social media, the new OK Corral. He posted a picture of Bailon to Instagram — which he later deleted, naturally — calling her a “trout mouth ass bitch” and accusing her of opening her legs to married men while she was opening her legs to Rob Kardashian for fame; oddly, though, that’s the same thing she implied about Tran, eh?

Then, inexplicably, he also went after Bailon’s The Real co-host Tamar Braxton, calling her “Muppet face ass” and “the ugly [Braxton] sister.”

But, even after his rant, and even after deleting the pictures, he wasn’t done shooting off his illiterate mouth. He posted a video of himself to Instagram ranting about folks being entitled to their opinions and that “what you drink don’t make me piss.”

Maybe the title of an upcoming single because that makes no sense. And, of course, the “lady” in question, Karrueche Tran weighed in with her own Instagram rant: “Unlike most of you… I could care less about the opinions of others. Drama doesn’t amuse me – so yes @tamarbraxton I do have a voice, just not like yours. However my bf I can’t speak for. We all know he has no chill.”

Yeah, the angry little boy who beats up girls has no chill.

Howsabout some Mariah?

A photographer has filed a lawsuit against Mimi’s record label claiming that Mimi owes him several thousand dollars after she bailed on a photo shoot for her album cover. The photographer is suing for $150,000, which includes his fee, plus the following expenses:

$65,391 for a stylist to squeeze Mimi into a size 6.

$9,600 for a hair stylist to add yards of human hair to Mimi’s scalp

$7,200 for a makeup artist—meaning a spackler and a plasterer.

$2,400 for a manicurist to de-sharpen Mimi’s talon’s after cutting Nick Cannon from her life

In response to the lawsuit, Mimi’s record label claims they never fully agreed on the terms of the contract, and they’ve pretty much told him to piss off.

That’s $85,000 Mimi spends on people paid to make her look like a natural beauty.

Just sayin’.

WTF? Selena Gomez

Selena Gomez, Justin Bieber's on-again-off-again babysitter, out and about in two different outfits.

in one, she seems to be wearing the teapot cozy from my grandmother's house while in the other she's channeling Julia Roberts' Hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold from Pretty Woman.

Angel or demon, even she can't seem to decide, but they're both a couple of WTF's anyway.