I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

What a Happy Kardastrophe Thanksgiving. That Woman was there with her side-piece; Khloe came with that rapper who's cheating on her; Kourtney and her husband, Drunky McDrunkness arrived, as did the Model and the One Who Wants To Be A Model But Will Never Make it. Even the Kash Kow came, with baby NorthSouthEastWest.

The only person who didn't show was Kanye, who was in Paris for the holiday and dined at Ralph Lauren’s restaurant with “two male friends” on Thursday.

That's all.

Earlier this year, Shia LaBeouf, AKA Crazy McDrunkness — no relation to that Drunky McDrunkness above except for their love for the brown juice — was part of an LA art piece called #IAMSORRY during which he sat in a room by himself with a paper bag over his head and props from his career ... a whip, a Transformer, a note from his agent, resigning the position ... on a table in front of him. And one by one, people came into the room and sat across from him, talking to him or saying nothing to him, or using his "props" in whatever way they chose. 

Did you say whip? Hmmm.

Now Shia is saying that a woman came with her boyfriend, who stayed outside the door when this happened, whipped his legs for ten minutes and then stripped off his clothes and raped him. Then she walked out, passing the hundreds, okay, tens, of people waiting to get inside like nothing happened.

Seriously, he allowed some random to rape him and stayed silent because, art?

Maybe not; Shia’s collaborators Luke Turner and Nastja Säde Rönkkö have backed up Shia's tale, though they also say they stopped the rape before it ever happened. Nastja said on Twitter that people weren’t told they could do whatever they wanted to Shia and also said that she and Turner stopped the ALLEGED rape:

“A couple of important clarifications about our #IAMSORRY project earlier this year: Nowhere did we state that people could do whatever they wanted to Shia during #IAMSORRY. As soon as we were aware of the incident starting to occur, we put a stop to it and ensured that the woman left.”

So, Shia wasn't raped, as he says, though a woman apparently did try to get a little somethingsomething off'a him.

I may not know art, but I know what I like, and I know a steaming pile of BS, AKA Shia LaBeouf, when I see it.

That Smokey and the Bandit money just doesn't last, y'all, because Burt Reynolds is brokity-broke-broke-broke.

According to several sources — mostly people to whom he owes buckets of cash — Burt is in a bad way when it comes to money. He hasn’t made a mortgage payment on his Florida home in four years and now owes more than $1.4 million; he tried to sell it back in 2011 for $9 million, and then dropped the price to $2.9 million, but nobody wants it, except for the bank.

But Burt doesn’t have $1.4 million, so he’s been forced to auction off more than 600 pieces of movie memorabilia and stuff from his house at the Palms Casino Resort in Las Vegas. Included in the sale is Burt’s red jacket from Smokey and the Bandit, a gold pocket watch — a gift from Sally Field, a pair of boxing gloves signed by Muhammad Ali, a pair of cowboy boots that he wore in Striptease, of his People’s Choice Awards, and his Golden Globe for Boogie Nights. Not for sale, though, is the bear skin rug upon which he reclined when he was hot and relevant and a movie star.

Sad, though, that he reduced the price of his home by some 60% and he still couldn’t get a bite? Why didn’t his ex-wife, Loni Anderson, whom he dumped a la Tom Cruise before anyone had ever heard of Tom Cruise, buy it out from under him for the Everything Must Go sales prices?

That would’a been the ultimate revenge, using his alimony money to buy his house from him.

Big Sean must love the drama. He was engaged to Naya Rivera for a hot minute, before she accused him of cheating, broke it off, and married some random dude a month later, and now he's hitched his wagon to one Ariana Grande Latte, teen brat and unadulterated diva.

And, well, Big Sean may be rethinking hooking up with Mimi2.0 because she has a penchant for talking in baby talk ... all the time.

See, according to Star magazine ... hey, they could be reliable, you don't know! ... Ariana is driving Big Sean cray cray with her constant need to talk in a baby voice:

“Instead of saying, ‘I’m thirsty,’ she’ll pout her lips and say, ‘I want to dwink a widdle joosh.’”

At first, Big Sean found it cute because she wasn’t accusing him of stealing her watch and cheating on her--Hey Naya!--but now he's over it, especially since he has to stop mid-concert and change Ariana's diaper because "I made a messy wessy."

Seriously? Seriously.

Rosie’s joining The View!! Rosie’s leaving The View!! Rosie’s coming back to The View!! Rosie’s leaving The View again!!

It seems as though Rosie O’Donnell’s grand return to The View is going as well as all of us thought it would. Now, I like Rosie, but I imagine she has an ego the size of The View studio and is a bug in the ass of everyone there.

But now folks are saying Rosie’s pissed because she wanted to be the HBIC and the producers — one being Grandma Barbara Walters — said, “Look Ro, Whoop’s in charge, but you can sit opposite her and pretend like you’re running things, m’kay?”

And she does that, when cameras are rolling; when they aren’t Ro apparently sits in her seat, refusing to speak to her co-hosts and will only talk to audience members.

The powers-that-be doubt she’ll be back next season, though they aren’t saying that officially just yet, and have tried talking her into staying, but Ro wants to be the Ho and if she ain’t  the Ho she Goes.

Here’s my take: even with Bas gone, even with Sherri “The Earth Is Flat” Shepard gone, the numbers are down, so maybe this little story is being leaked by ABC to spike some interest in the show.

That’s all. But if ABC wants to take things up a notch, tell Rosie she can be the moderator and then invite a bunch of anti-gay Republicans on; her head will explode in time for Sweeps.

So, serial-famewhore, serial-twerker, serial-tongue-exploiter, and Queen of White Trash everywhere, Miley Cyrus has begun dating Arnold and Maria’s — as in Schwarzenegger and Shriver — son Patrick, and Mama Maria ain’t none to happy about. Daddy Arnold is probably thrilled, hoping Cyrus will Twerk his junk after Christmas dinner.

But it’s Maria who is most concerned what Miley’s weed-and-dildo reputation will do for her baby boy, and a source close to the family — it’s Maria herself talking to her old friends at NBC — says:

“It is beyond true that Maria Shriver disapproves of the relationship that Patrick is starting with Miley. She is so controlling when it comes to the image of the family and this is eating her up inside. … She fully believes that you become who you surround yourself with and she’s always been so happy with the friends Patrick chooses. The birthday party with all the penis pictures disgusted her. Maria is very, very worried about the influence Miley’s having on Patrick.”

Okay, Miley’s a hot mess,on that we can agree, but she’s a savvy media player and she knows that by hanging onto Patrick and being all redneckish on him, she will get some precious airtime because, seriously, when does she get airtime unless she’s acting the fool? And when she finds someone else to hang out with who might be a bigger draw to her dwindling fame, she‘ll drop Patrick harder than she drops her panties onstage.

Bet on it.

Back to Kanye ...

It appears KrayKray West delayed a flight from Paris to Helsinki last week because, well, he's Kanye and no one else matters.

The whole flight was waiting on one of those buses that ferries passengers from the terminal to the plane. And Kanye and his assistant took their sweet time getting on that bus; well, the assistant  ran to the bus with Kray's travel documents and care instructions ... written by Kim in KrayKrayon ... while Kanye walked casually behind him.

Once Kray boarded, he took his seat in first class and as the coach passengers, kept waiting until West was seated, boarded, European couple asked for a photo but Mr. Kim Kardastrophe refused, though he initially said 'Yes.'

After the exchange, West focused on his laptop, which displayed nearly nude photographs of a woman with long, dark hair who may or may not have been his wife ... or another reality TV star hoping to hook her wagon to Krazy McKrayKray.

Taylor Swift is the Queen of the Universe and I blame Kanye. See, if at the VMAs a couple of years back, he didn’t “let you finish” after grabbing the mic to kiss Beyoncé’s ass, maybe we wouldn’t be suffering the Life of TayTay now. Well, at least one Jessica Hart, a Victoria’s Secret model, wouldn’t be suffering at the hands of Swifty.

See, Taylor Swift was set to perform again this year at the Victoria’s Secret fashion show in London because nothing says lingerie like a stick-thing-pop-country-singing-blow-up-doll — try not to think of TayTay’s ta-tas, I dare you — but Swifty had one requirement: no Jessica Hart … EVER!!!

See, last year Swifty sang at the bra-and-panties show, and afterwards Jessica Hart said she liked Taylor Swift but she didn’t really think she was a good fit at the Crotchless Underwear Catwalk, and, well, when Swifty heard that she went all Ariana Grande Latte and said she would not be signing this year if Jessica hart was modeling.

So, Hart was cut from the show, proving that a spoiled little former country queen, turned pop diva, runs the world. I’m looking to book a Space Shuttle to Mars, howsabout you?

WTF? Miley Cyrus

I guess the Go-To Outfit for an amfAR benefit is a suspendered-duct-taped-bondage-looking thing that will take the focus off the cause and place it squarely on your media whoring shoulders.

Eh, Miley?

I Didn't Say It ...

Jennifer Hudson, on how she feels about The Gays supporting her career:

"What I've always admired about the gay community is the independence and the confidence. Just that attitude. I'm so inspired by that, and I feel like, for me, that is my connection. I've never understood, gosh, what does the gay community see in me? You know what I mean? Because again, I grew up around a lot of that and that's the world that embraced me first, so that I've never fully gathered ... because that's where I started. I was just literally looking at old pictures a few minutes ago, and I saw a picture of me performing in a gay club and a picture of being dressed. Drag queens used to dress me, and then I would go and perform. That's where I started, so there's definitely a connection there. I wanted to make sure that I reconnected."

JHud. Love.Her.

Linda Harvey, on the National Organization for Marriage's ongoing boycott of Target over its support for LGBT equality:

“Have you noticed how this is how headlines often read these days? They talk about laws on natural marriage as being ‘bans’ on same-sex so-called marriage. And that’s incorrect because people who are male can still marry people who are female. The only obstacle for a few people is the presence of unnatural desires. Those desires can change with a different mind and heart.”

Oh, that's funny, gay people can marry as long as they marry the opposite sex!
Um, then we wouldn't be in a same-sex marriage you neanderthal.

Miley Cyrus, on social media: 

"You know what hurts your brain? Googling yourself. You know what hurts your brain? Instagram. You know what hurts your brain? Reading comments on Facebook. You know what hurts your brain? Reading US Weekly.”

This is the height of country bumpkin hilarity coming from the media whore herself. I mean, did she think anyone would forget how she Instagrams every single aspect of her life, including her hospitalization last year for, ahem, "exhaustion"?
Sit down, hillbilly, and think on that fer a spell.

T.I., on the accusations that Iggy Azalea is a racist:

“That p-sses me off. Simply because they don’t have any real substantial grounds. ‘I don’t like them.’ Why? ‘Just ’cause.’ What you mean just ’cause? Since when do you get the right to judge people? Who died and made you the emperor of Egypt? That kind of sh-t and then the things that they accuse her of, like the racist stuff. That’s not even her. That’s not even in her. Me knowing her, knowing where she comes from–for real, the whole racist thing, that’s American–we forget, she’s not American. So the whole Black, white, color divided thing, it isn’t a part of her DNA like it is here in America.”

Wow. So racism is a strictly American thing, huh?

I guess you should tell that to the Muslims and the Black folks and the Indians in other parts of the world, including Izzy';s home country.

T.I.? Take a seat next to Miley and put that dunce cap on your head.

Grover Norquist, on attending Burning Man: 

"A community that comes together with a minimum of 'rules' demands self-reliance – that everyone clean up after themselves and help thy neighbor. Some day, I want to live 52 weeks a year in a state or city that acts like this. I want to attend a national political convention that advocates the wisdom of Burning Man."

And yet hes' a 'Bagger who sticks his nose into same-sex marriage and women's vaginas all the time; and when was the last time you saw a Republican help a poor person, or an immigrant, or a lesbian or gay man?
There's room on the bench with Miley and T.I.

I Ain't One To Gossip But .... Girls Gone Wild

There have always been lots of rumors about why Gwyneth Paltrow and her luggage carrier, Chris Martin — I hear he sings, too — “consciously uncoupled.” Some say he cheated; some say she cheated; some say — okay everybody says — she’s a controlling out-of-touch diva bitch.

Well, now it looks as if Gwynnie’s jump-off has been revealed, and it’s none other than Glee co-creator Brad Falchuk, which may explain why she’s been on that show more often than Matthew Morrison lately.

See, right  after Paltrow’s first appearance on Glee back on Oh-Ten, rumors began to swirl that she and Brad’s relationship had moved beyond friendship to something a little more touchy-feely, bumping uglies, especially where their respective spouses were concerned.

Brad and his wife, Suzanne Bukinik, have also “consciously uncoupled” and, in fact, her name no longer appears on Falchuk’s Wikipedia page; seriously! And, according to their divorce papers, filed by the missus, the date of separation is “to be determined.”

As in, it depends on when Gwyneth first showed up on the set of Glee and demanded my husband service her.

Or something.

A bit ago, I talked about former  TV star and current nobody, Tia Mowry, complaining that A-lister Charlize Theron was rude to her  at SoulCycle; a recap: Tia went to say Hi to Charlize and Theron “actually rolled her eyes and said, ‘Oh my God.’”

And now it might get worse, because now that Tia opened her D-list yap, rumor has it that  Theron is actively working to get Mowry banned from the upscale spin studio.

An insider — and it’s probably Tia looking for another paycheck — says, “Charlize came in so pissed off after Tia went to the tabloids about her, and she demanded we bar Tia from ever coming back. When the manager refused Charlize just got angrier and said she’d go to the top to make it happen.”

And she will; she’s got Sean Penn to back her up; you know, the guy who tied up Madonna back in the day, and not in the fun way!

Lindsay Lohan:

“People have certain perceptions of me. For a long time, people looked at me as kind of a celebrity, which is something I never wanted…That’s not what I got into this industry for… And what better than to do it with the great people that I’m working with on stage in London … so that people can focus on the fact that I’m in this industry because I’m an actress and an artist and not just someone you take photos of? I don’t understand the crazy fascination with me because it kind of scares me. Even when I’m not doing anything, they create something that I’m doing…”

And yet all we’ve seen of Lindsay of late is not Lohan in London prepping for her stage debut next month, but yachting in the Mediterranean looking like a drunk-ass mess. Lindsay has been partying nearly non-stop for the past month in Europe, and last week, in Greece, she seemed to welcome the paparazzi to take photos of her.

And now her friends — okay, it’s just Dina and Michael wondering about their dividends from the play — are worried because Lohan isn’t returning their texts or calls, and are thinking of staging an intervention.

A source — and it’s Dina, unless it’s being sung with a country twang, then it’s Ali Lohan — says, “Lindsay has abandoned her friends and her sober community. She has stopped responding to our texts and calls and is basically ignoring everyone now. She’s getting the texts because they show up as read; she’s just not answering.”

And now it seems that Lohan has ALLEGEDLY been missing rehearsals for her upcoming play.

But seriously, did anyone really think Lohan would stop partying to go to work?

Apparently Kendall Jenner was rude to a waitress and because she’s been influenced by Kash Kow and Kanye, she has flipped her weave about it.

It seems Kendall and a friend ate at a NYC restaurant and they didn’t pay for their meal at first. The waitress rushed outside, followed them, and asked them to pay their tab, when Kendall, okay ALLEGEDLY, threw a few twenties at the girl and the catwalk-stomped off.

Then the waitress went to Twitter to complain — “That horrible moment you chase a Kardashian down the street because she forgot to pay her bill to be thrown money in your face.” — about Kendall’s Kardastrophic behavior  and, well, Kendall threw a fit., denying the incident. And you know when a Kardastrophe, even one by association, denies something, it’s probably true; think Kim and her second marriage;’ think Khloe and her first marriage.

Anyway, it seems like Kendall wasn’t content to simply deny the waitress’s account of things and move on because now she’s had her lawyer — probably That Woman dressed like Clarence Darrow — fire off a cease-and-Desist letter.

Funny thing is, no one, and I mean no one, would have known this story if Kendall hadn’t had a TwitFit because the waitress probably had about six followers. But Kendall probably searches Twitter for the #skanktag, er, #hashtag, Kardastrophe every morning and when she found it she had a MiniKimye Meltdown.

Miley Cyrus. Wha’happen?

I mean, after twerking on Robin Thicke’s crotch last year—before all those other women twerked on him and his wife left him—she’s been MIA. Or at least, except for her hospitalization for drug overdose exhaustion last summer we’ve been Miley Free.

Until now … a new story is out about Miley being “out of control” again and acting so redneck she make’s Britney Spears seem positively civilized.

Apparently Miley was a terror during a recent trip to NYC while staying at the chi-chi Greenwich Hotel and was such a wee bitch brat that guests began to complain:  “It was like a tornado hit the lobby,” says one guest. “Miley and her posse took over, screaming and carrying on so much that management received a number of complaints.”

The guests adds that Miley and her group were busily smoking pot in the hash den  lobby and when the management stepped in to politely ask the White Trash Diva to calm the eff down, she started screaming at them and saying that she’s spent so much money there that they should be glad to have her.

Glad to have her pack her cardboard suitcase, get back on the Greyhound, and hightail it back to Butcher Holler.