Sunday Funnies

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

When last we left Taylor Swift and Katy Perry they were throwing shade at one another in interviews and on Twitter. Oh, they never say each other’s name, but it’s clear TayTay’s pissy with KayKay, and vice versa; about backup dancers and John Mayor, fer chrissakes!

And now Katy has upped the feud by cozying up to one of Swifty’s many, many, ex-boyfriends … Harry Styles … boyband Harry Styles.

A source — and we know it’s Katy “anonymously” fanning the flames of PopTartFeud — says Katy has been openly flirting with the tween-star:  “Katy had her hand on his arm and was playing with her hair – she was being really obvious.”

And so, naturally, someone passed a note to Taylor in English class and now a source from Taylor’s camp — and you know it’s actually Taylor because the other people in Taylor’s camp are probably grown-ups with real  problems — says:  “Taylor thinks Katy orchestrated this whole thing just to mess with her. It makes her blood boil that Katy has this sweet-as-pie image when she’s one of the most conniving girls in Hollywood. Taylor calls her ‘the evil one’ – that’s how much she hates her.”

Pot.Kettle … Both of you need to clam up, or maybe there should be a food fight in the cafeteria after school and settle this once and for all.

What do you give the child who has everything … except two parents who are constantly running around the globe without her?

Well, if you’re baby NorthSouthEastWest, you get dolls that look just like mommy Kim Kardastrophe and daddy KrayKray West so you never ever start thinking the nannies are your real parents.

I guess that’s easier than actually having to be around your child. And I imagine Kimye will commission talking I Love You NorthSouthEastWest dolls soon enough.

After kicking off her tour in Tokyo things started going downhill for Mariah Carey rather quickly.

First, her voice went, and then she dropped some hints during a cover of Billie Holiday’s ‘Don’t Explain’ that soon-to-be ex-husband Nick Cannon may have cheated on her.

In an audio recording from the show, you can hear Mimi change the lyrics from ‘Right or wrong don’t matter/And I know you cheat” to “I know you cheated, motherf–ker.”

First off, she’s no Jay Z when it comes to changing lyrics, and secondly I cannot imagine who would want Nick Cannon’s corny ass. But, if Mimi keeps this up, Tiny Bratz Doll Ariana Grande Latte will overtake her as the biggest diva in the world.

Short bites … rumors are swirling that Oprah wants to do a second season of the craptastic, lie-filled, Lindsay: On Her Own.

Seriously? That heifer needs to set down the cookies and think straight for a minute.

Y’all know that I think Gwyneth Paltrow is the worst, right? So high and mighty, so hardworking, such a great hardworking single mom with servants and million dollar paychecks; my.heart.bleeds. But what is fun about Goop is her feud with Domestic Diva, and Jailbird, Martha Stewart. 

What’s fun is how Martha laid down the law and told Paltrow she should stick to acting and stay out of the lifestyle game or risk being shivved at the Canyon Ranch spa during a mud bath. Or something.

And Gwyneth’s response? The “I don’t really care, I’m just being me” rant:

“First of all, no one has ever said anything bad about me before, so I’m shocked and devastated. I’ll try to recover. [She laughs] If I’m really honest, I’m so psyched that she sees us as competition. I’m so psyched. I really am. I think that when anybody criticizes anyone, it’s revealing more about where they are in time and space as opposed to where you are in time and space. I think generally we tend to lash out if we’re in a, you know it’s usually a reflection of something else.”

Bitch please. To say that Martha Stewart has anything to be intimidated by from Gwyneth “Harvey Weinstein Bought Me An Oscar” Paltrow is the height of hilarity. And it ain’t over because, you know, Martha always gets the last word, but that story is coming up …

So, The Brawlin’ Palins … a new police report details the fight that broke out at an Anchorage house party that including some of the Palin clan, like Blister, that blight on the family’s ass, who punched the host several times in the face.

No arrests were made, and no one wanted to press charges, but according to the report officers responded to the party after a report of a fight among about 20 people outside. According to incident reports, Blister, the grown-assed, single-mother, unemployed daughter of Mama Grizzly Bore™ punched the homeowner, Korey Klingenmeyer, several times and at one point ended up on the ground herself.

But the biggest and bestest part? Remember when the story broke and MGB™ took to Facebook to laugh the whole thing off as a lie because she wasn’t even in Alaska that night? Yeah, lie. The reports says that even though MGB™ was there, she didn’t throw any punches because, well, maybe she was drunk and passed out on the family snowmobile?

That sounds feasible … the family that brawls together falls together..

Well, we’re still waiting for the next Tom Cruise Handpicked Wife Pageant to begin, after a series of false starts.

First, he was rumored to be “romancing” his Mission: Impossible 5 co-star, Rebecca Ferguson because she was a Nicky Kidman look-a-like — how creepy is that, Tommy? But then he moved on from her and was set-up with Scientology robot, and OITNB actress Laura Prepon after a brief audition from Elisabeth Moss. And there were rumors that actress — writing that makes me laugh — and dancer, Julianne Hough, was on the short list, but then people began laughing about Tommy dating schoolgirls again — after practically marrying Katie Holmes at her high school prom — so he never went for Hough at all.

And now he’s set to make his move, ALLEGEDLY, and the National Enquirer says Tom’s ready to make his move with a woman closer to his own age, Sandra Bullock.

Oh.God.No. Run, Sandy, run.

According to the tabloid, friends of Tommy and Sandy are trying to set the two up for romance in what may be Hollywood’s hottest love new love match after Sandy’s divorce from her serial cheating husband, and after Tom’s third wife escaped the Cruise Compound with a sheet and a flashlight.

This story can’t be true. I mean, maybe it’s true that Tom’s people are putting out tabloid feelers but does anyone with half a brain think Sandra Bullock, sane, level headed down to earth Sandra Bullock, would ever hook-up, much less marry, Tiny Egomaniac Tommy Grrl Cruise?

Seriously? I mean look at that picture and the look on Sandy's face and the way she's leaning way back. Seriously, she's like someone get crazy away from me!

More tabloid gossip? Okay … Star Magazine is running a story that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner’s marriage is on the rocks after Ben had an affair with Gone Girl co-star Emily Ratajkowski. And after his addiction to gambling kept getting him thrown out of casinos.

Now, Star doesn’t outright accuse Ben of cheating because, well, lawsuit, but they do drop a lot of hints that there was some nasty happening and that Jennifer found out and so Ben pays the price … by gushing about his wife in interviews which has insiders whispering that their lovey-dovey talk is hiding their marital crisis.

Which began when Ben handpicked — pun intended — Emily to play his lover in the film, and then got really close to her during filming because, well, research?

Research, indeed. And this isn’t the first time Ben’s been accused of cheating; he boinked a stripper while dating JLo and rumor has it he was very close to Blake Lively during the filming of The Town.

And where there’s smoke, there’s Jennifer Garner burning Ben’s suits on the back lawn.

What is it with British men having babies left and right, all willy nilly, and with whomever?

First we had High Grant knocking up two different women at the same time, and now comes word that Jude Law impregnated yet another woman whom he is no longer dating.

Here’s the story: Jude Law and Sadie Frost were married for years, and had three children together. They split up around the time Jude was filming Cold Mountain, and it was rumored he had an affair with Nicole Kidman.  After Sadie dumped Jude he began boinking Sienna Miller until he began banging his kids’ nanny. Then Jude a one night stand with Samantha Burke which resulted in another baby, daughter Sophia.

Skip ahead to today because Jude got his ex-girlfriend Catherine Harding pregnant.

Does he have an aversion to birth control? Or is he trying to out-hugh Grant?

I guess when your TV show bombs and you no longer have a regular paycheck, you need to cut back on expenses, right? I mean, how else can we explain why Halle Berry, who was ordered last spring to pay 16K a month in child support to her ex-baby-daddy, Gabriel Aubry, along with over $100,000 in missed child support payments. And that was reduced from the monthly 20K she’d been court ordered to pay in 2012.

Now, Halle’s pissed, and unemployed, and complaining that Aubry he has been living off child support, and she wants it stopped; or at least she wants her payments lowered from 16K a month to 3K. She says Gabriel is perfectly capable of getting a job and that by reducing the support it will force him to get a job — and then she’ll say he can’t parent because he’s always working — and she says 3K a month is a nice dome for daughter Nahla to have a comfortable life — though not as comfortable as life with Mama which then means Halle will say Nahla is better off with her.

Halle needs to stop; she made a baby with a man and then moved on with another man, with whom she made another baby. She needs to stop.

I mean, who does she think she is, Jude Law? Hugh Grant?

Back to Martha’s feud with Goop, and Martha’s latest high-larious salvo.

In the new issue of Martha Stewart Living, Martha went full-out assault badass on Paltrow by playing off Gwyneth’s break-up announcement that she and Chris Martin were “consciously uncoupling.”

Here’s the page in the magazine and here’s what it says:

“Every Thanksgiving table should be blessed with the presence of a long-married pair who bring out the best in each other, are completely enamored despite their differences, and leave every other guest thinking, I’ll have what they’re having. Our holiday pies honor such so there’s a pleasant mix of textures and flavors in every bite. No matter how you slice partnerships, each spotlighting the perfect marriage of crust and filling these six irresistible desserts, there is a whole lot to love.”

As you can see, “perfect marriage” is in BOLD!! Martha knows how to salt a wound.

Score: Stewart 2, Paltrow 1.

And what’s next? Jennifer Lawrence on the cover of Martha Stewart Living.

I.Can’t.Wait.

And, speaking of Jennifer Lawrence … We know Martha has a Goop Voodoo doll, but now even JLaw is taking swipes at Paltrow and her “lifestyle.”

In a new interview with Vanity Fair, Lawrence puts herself firmly in the bread-and-pasta crowd, saying gluten-free is “the new cool eating disorder, the ‘basically I just don’t eat carbs.’”

Now, that could be JLaw throwing shade at Goop because Paltrow is more famous now for her ALLEGED healthy eating than she is for her acting and recently published a cookbook of her favorite gluten-free recipes.

I sense a JLaw-MStew tag-team and I’m loving it.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Oh, this is effing rich.

The Palin clan, including Mama Grizzly Bore™ herself, was ALLEGEDLY involved in a huge verbal and physical fight when they all got drunk at a friend’s house over the weekend. Fists flew, lips bloodied, and the MGB™ was ALLEGEDLY heard shrieking, “Don’t you know who I am?” at the people telling her to calm the eff down!

Here’s the gist:

The Palins were at a party when Track Palin — the eldest son of Mammy and Pappy Palin, and ALLEGEDLY raging drunk, got in the face of some random guy who used to date one of his sisters … the Facebook homophobe Willow Palin. It got hot, then another sister, Trick Palin … I kid, it was Blister … still kidding it was Bristol … began throwing punches because she’s a lady and a mother and all kinds of class. Soon, the entire Palin Klan was involved in the brawl.

That’s when MGB™ played the Reese Witherspoon, Don’t-you-know-who-I-am card and someone in the crowd ALLEGEDLY shouted back “This isn’t some damned Hillbilly reality show!”

Oh, but it is, because you see, had things gone differently back in ’08, and had the MGB™ become the Veep, and had Gramps McCain dropped dead, then the Plain’s would have been living in the White House.

And turning it into the White Trash House.

UPDATE: The MGB™ high-lariously claimed on her Facebook page that she had been traveling on Saturday, and she made no mention of her brawling drunken children.

But, one person who claimed to be a witness to The Thrilla from Wasilla said, on that post, that MGB™’s traveling claim was a load of moose manure:

“Interesting. Pretty sure you were not traveling and you and family were on the Southside causing chaos. Saw it happen. Don’t fib.”

Mama Grizzly Bore™? Lie? Uh huh..

Oh for the love of the Baby Jeebus ... Lindsay Lohan is getting sued again, and now she's taking her younger brother, the sadly named Michael Lohan Jr., down with her.

On the heels of being released from Rehab #7 last year, and just before heading into Rehab #8, AKA the Oprah Cure, the two Lohans started working with techie Fima Potik on an app called Spotted Friend, which would basically allow people to poke around Lohan’s closet and see what she wears … or where she hides her drugs … something. 

Lindsay even began promoting the app on Twitter last Spring, after being sprung from Oprah-hab, but then, like steps 2 through 12 of her Twelve Step Program, she quickly lost interest and began focusing on something shiny ... possibly an airplane bottle of Ketel One in a gutter somewhere.

So, Michael Jr. decided to try his hand at the app game one more time and launched a virtual shopping app called Vigme; he described it as a “social shopping community” where people can look in his sister’s virtual closet — my eyes — and and buy the kinds of high end hooker things Lindsay sports around town and under bars.

But, um, Fima Potik realized that Vigme is really just Spotted Friend with a new name and so a cease-and-desist letter was sent to Lindsay and Junior informing them to knock it off or else. And, of course, Lindsay responded to the cease-and-desist by getting her attorney, Mark Heller — the same guy she fired a couple of years ago because he couldn’t keep her out of jail — who said this:

“Allegations of any impropriety in Lindsay Lohan’s business relationship concerning this Web site are inaccurate and clearly designed to capitalize on her worldwide recognition as a fashion icon.”

Okay, first off, it sounds like Junior came up with the new copycat app, and Lindsay had nothing to do with it, so she may be in the clear … this time. But, seriously. Her.Worldwide.Recognition.As.A.Fashion.Icon?

Note to Lohan and her team of ambulance-chasers: leggings and side boob are not fashion. Check every street corner, look at every prostitute, and you'll see leggings and side boob.

How would we live without Paltrow?

I mean, according to her favorite news source, Gwyneth Paltrow, Gwyneth Paltrow is the best at everything. Every.Thing. I mean, her divorce is a sweet little conscious uncoupling; she’s the best friend ever and now, yes, friends, Gwyneth Paltrow is staking a claim as the best at … wait for it … making the bed. Seriously.

Paltrow recently turned Goop.com a step-by-step tutorial called “Making The Perfect Bed” and, well, here it is:

1. Fitted sheet first, preferably out of a medium-heat dryer. Don’t let them sit or they’ll just become more wrinkled. Start with top corners and move down to the bottom, pressing out the wrinkles with your hands as you go. Try to buy fitted sheets where the elastic wraps around the whole base of the mattress, not just the corners.

2. Place the flat sheet on next, squaring it evenly to give yourself enough slack for whatever cuff size you prefer. (If you like a modern look, make a wider, 10″-16″ cuff on the turn-down fold. If you like a more traditional look, 6″-10″ is the perfect cuff width.) If you don’t want your sheets too tight, lay two to three pillows down the midline before placing the sheet.

3. Place whatever blanket you are going to use over the fitted sheet and square it. I like to tuck the end of the bed under first. It makes for a neater view when approaching the bed on entrance. Then, pull the sides taught and fold them under. Otherwise, if you fold the base last and have a thicker blanket it can create havoc for the sides.

4. For a duvet, place the cover on right out of the dryer and shake it out. Pull all four corners taut. If you want your down comforter to look fluffier, go down a size for the duvet cover, i.e., place a king duvet in a queen-sized cover.

Wow. I mean, how have I been making beds all these years without The Paltrow Method? How has anyone been able to look at a freshly made bed and not want to tear it to shreds because it had gone horribly wrong?

Thank you, Gwyneth, thank you.

Next up, she’ll teach us how to wipe our asses …. On 3,000-thread count Egyptian cotton toilet paper.

So, after Matt Lauer pushed Ann Curry in front of a cross-town bus a couple of years ago so he could get his ALLEGED side-piece a gig on the Today Show, how does NBC handle him?

NBC treats him to a helicopter ride to and from his home in the Hamptons to the Today show set up to three times a week because they’re afraid he’ll quit. I know!

A source — and it might be Dina trying to score a gig as Kathie Lee Gifford’s permanent drunken replacement during The Fourth Hour — says that after Ann Curry’s messy departure in 2012, NBC was terrified that Darling Matt might take his man-whoring to another network so they basically handed him a blank check and some yellow legal pads upon which to write his demands.

Like a $20 million a year paycheck and a helicopter to transport his ever-balding head into the office a few times each week even though he has an apartment in Manhattan that he could stay at.

A rep for Today — hoping to keep the show from looking like Matt’s pimp — says:

“On rare occasions, Matt will fly home, but most of the time you’ll find him stuck in traffic on the Long Island Expressway with everyone else.”

Like everyone else, he sometimes takes the LIE, though when he’s not in the mood, they whisk him upstairs in the Matt Lauer Express Elevator™ to the Matt Lauer Helipad™ where he boards The Matt Lauer Helicopter™, piloted by Trixie Von Layme, and is flown home.

Taylor Swift loves to write songs about her life; she’s written about the boyfriend who dumped … I kid … the boyfriends who’ve dumped her; the kitten that scratched her; the hair ribbon that just wouldn’t stay tied. You know highly personal stuff. 

And now she’s done it again with “Bad Blood” about a female singer that’s mean to her. Rumors swirled that it was Demi Lovato or Rihanna, but now it seems quite clear it’s Katy Perry.

Of the backstabbing bitch, er, bad friend, Swifty told Rolling Stone:

“For years, I was never sure if we were friends or not. She would come up to me at awards shows and say something and walk away, and I would think, ‘Are we friends, or did she just give me the harshest insult of my life?’ [Then last year] she did something so horrible. I was like, ‘Oh, we’re just straight-up enemies.’ And it wasn’t even about a guy! It had to do with business. She basically tried to sabotage an entire arena tour. She tried to hire a bunch of people out from under me. And I’m surprisingly non-confrontational – you would not believe how much I hate conflict. So now I have to avoid her. It’s awkward, and I don’t like it.”

True story: in 2012, Katy Perry hired a bunch of dancers away from Taylor Swift, so that’s the feud; that’s the horrible thing. Katy Perry saw some dancers and said, Hey, you wanna come dance for me and they did and then TayTay got her grannies panties twisted and suddenly it’s a song. And for her part, Katy Perry is now playing along, Tweeting this:

‘Watch out for the Regina George [from Mean Girls] in sheep’s clothing.’

Which implies that Tay’s the Mean Girl, eh? But, and this seems more plausible, maybe the feud isn’t over dancers, but over that singing STD, John Mayer, who schtupped dated both girls. TayTay and Mayer had a love affair in 2010 before he dumped her and she released the song “Dear John”.  In 2012, KayKay started dating Mayer, who said he was “really humiliated” by Swift’s song and that was when Perry started making digs at Taylor … until DancerGate.

And that really seems to have put the nail in the coffin of these pop diva-lite’s friendship because one of the dancer’s, Lockhart Brownlie, confirms that it was Katy who tried to sabotage TayTay’s Red tour. Brownlie says he first toured with Perry on her Part of Me tour and when that gig ended he and two other dancers auditioned for the Red job:

“I was with Taylor for the first six months. It was a great experience and she’s a great person to work with, but then Katy contacted us. … Obviously we were with Katy for 2 1/2 years, she’s like family to us, so we were, like, absolutely.”

Hell hath no fury like an auto-tuned-pop-star-whose-dancers-are-stolen-away’s fury.