I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

It looks like uber rich David Geffen is having boy drama again.

It seems that the 71-year-old Geffen’s 20-year-old ex-boyfriend — who was kicked off his college football team for making out with his wealthy daddy in the press box during a game … he initially told school officials Geffen was his grandfather but that didn’t explain the lip-lock — was arrested last October for violating the terms of a restraining order.

Jamie Kuntz is accused "of following, harassing and making a 'credible threat' against Geffen sometime between September and November, and he is now facing a felony stalking charge and a minor misdemeanor charge for allegedly disobeying a court order to stay away from his former lover.

I bet David Geffen wishes he could go back to the good old days when the only gossip about him was that he’d married Keanu Reeves.

Oh, and by the way, the only time 20 goes into 71 is when there’s a money exchange involved. Just sayin’.

Gosh, I loathe Gwyneth Paltrow. And the fact that she name-drops her own mother to her own soon-to-be-or-not husband makes me loathe her all the more.

It seems Goop was hanging out in the Hamptons with her consciously-uncoupled-towel-boy-slash-singer-slash-sometimes-husband at a spa, where said ex, AKA Chris Martin was paying for a one-hour massage.

Naturally, bored by her pedestrian husband, Gwyneth busied herself with texts and phone calls while he mopped the sweat from her forehead. But, when he asked to whom she was speaking — he’s English, that’s how they talk ... "to whom" — Goop said, and this is where I die:

“Blythe Danner“. Her.Mother.

I guess ‘Mom’ or ‘Mother’ is just too common for Paltrow. I also guess that on the other end of that phone call, Blythe Danner was mouthing the words: How did this bitch get my new number? to the help.

So many women — twenty eight at last count — have come forward with strikingly similar stories of being drugged and raped by Bill Cosby that most people believe he has a standard M.O. and is a sexual predator. So what does Cosby do? Well, he urged the “black” media to stay neutral, i.e. don’t ever mention it; he sat back while his wife sang his praises as a victim, and now this …

Cosby has hired an entire fleet of private investigators to dig up information on the women who are coming forward because, god forbid, if a woman who says Cosby drugged her and raped her and then sent her on her way, well, then she deserves to have the whole world know she has unpaid parking tickets, or didn’t clean her apartment before she moved, or drinks, or swears or had had multiple sex partners.

See, any woman who would do all that — and I mean twenty eight women who would do all that — would obviously also lie about being raped by the Jell-O pudding man.

Way to shame and blame the victims, Mr. Cosby, rather than stand up and fight. Or is that because they’re all telling the truth?

God Madge, please sit down. After several songs were leaked from her upcoming album, Madonna claimed she was the victim of a terrorist attack not unlike, I imagine, the families of those killed on 9/11’s terrorist attack, now she’s taken to comparing it to being raped.

Drama.Queen.

But, to me, what she’s most upset about is that, after the songs were leaked, she and her team decided to release six tracks for that upcoming album and every single one of them has bombed … not unlike a terrorist attack. The songs barely made an impact; in fact, there was a “nosedive” in sales after the first week, which saw her in lucky number 13. Now her single with Nicki Minaj, “Unapologetic Bitch” is down to #188, while “Living for Love” is #529.

In addition to all of that, one of the songs — “Two Steps Behind” — is allegedly about Lady Gaga whose own albums are still out-selling Madge’s Rebel Heart.

Poor Madge, being out-sold by her rival and Taylor Swift, a girl young enough to be her, well, almost granddaughter.

Back in September, Jeremy Renner is divorcing his wife of ten months — and mother of his daughter — Sonni Pacheco.

Didn’t know he was married? Probably because he kept it a secret until last September. But now it’s about to get ugly up in there, with all kinds of speculation that Jeremy married Sonni to help her stay in America, or that she was just the surrogate baby mama to Jeremy and his business partner boyfriend.

Sonni Pacheco is seeking the split over irreconcilable differences and … get this … she says he stole her passport, birth certificate and Social Security card. Pacheco says they have a prenup, but adds that it should be torn up because it was based on fraud.

No further detail about what she means by “fraud” but the last time I heard “fraud” used in a divorce proceeding was when Zellweger was seeking an annulment of her four month-long marriage to the long-rumored-to-be-gay, Kenny Chesney. Just sayin’.

Lindsay Lohan has been infected with the Chikungunya virus while on vacation in French Polynesia — give her a break, she worked steadily for about eight weeks this year so she deserves a little time off — but says she will not let it ruin her vacation.

In unrelated news ... giggle ... every single pharmacy in French Polynesia is completely out of pain meds.

Coinky-dink? I think not.

I love Christina Aguilera but, gurl, she’s a diva who can make Mimi look positively sweet.

A couple of weeks ago Christina went to Disneyland in Anaheim to celebrate her birthday with friends and family and she went off on The Mouse.

She was ALLEGEDLY quite rude to fans that approached her asking for a photo but then the tables turned when she couldn’t get a photo with Mickey Mouse. It seems the person behind the Mouse ears was leaving the area for his break when she asked for a picture and was told she would have to wait until he came back; she went all Reese-Witherspoon-Without-The-Vodka on him, asking Don’t you know who I am??

And then she called Mickey Mouse, the symbol of the happiest place on Earth, an asshole. Mickey had to be ushered to a safe zone before he went all Gangsta Rodent on the pop tart.

Okay, so we all know Justin Bieber wouldn’t know the truth if it egged his house, right?

I mean, he once said he’d bought a yacht when all he was really doing was hanging out on some rich family’s boat; he once took a photo of a Bugatti and said it was his car when, in fact, it actually belonged to Birdman.

Now, he says he bought himself a new plane for Christmas, and proudly Social-Media’d — Yes, it’s a verb — pictures all over; he captioned the picture: “New jet for Christmas, and she’s beautiful.”

Trouble is that the G4 on which he posed is for sale, but Bieber never bought it. It was just another lie, like the lie that he’s got talent for anything more than being a douche.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Word out of Hollywood is that Jennifer Aniston has hired an Oscar strategist named Lisa Taback, who previously worked on the Oscar campaigns for The King’s Speech and The Artist.

Seriously, Aniston wants an Oscar so badly, that she’s hired someone to help her win it? And what exactly does an Oscar strategist do? Here’s how I’d do it: Hey Jen? Get yourself a part in a film of substance for a change and try to act for a change. No need to go sans makeup or have a scar put on your face. Just be good at your job … for a change.

M’kay, I wouldn’t last long in the Oscar Strategist job.

Here’s how I see an Oscar in Jennifer Aniston’s future … cut to 2034, a retired former comic actress Jennifer Aniston appears on a TV screen eating a sandwich, and then begins to sing …

♫♪ My bologna has a first name … it’s O-S-C-A-R …♪♫

Aniston.Oscar. My work here is done.

Oh Gwynnie, now it’s not just Martha throwing shade at you, it‘s Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer.

And she out-elitists Paltrow at every turn! It seems Paltrow — Oscar winner … sorry Jen … best-selling cookbook author, lifestyle “expert” — wanted to work with Yahoo as an editor for the website’s food division but Mayer put the kibosh on that because … wait for it … I’m loving it … Gwyneth Paltrow doesn’t have a college degree.

According to a new book, Mayer and the Fight to Save Yahoo! By Nicholas Carson, Mayer — a 39-year-old Stanford grad who’s a stickler for degrees — “balked” at obtaining Paltrow’s services, despite Paltrow’s ego and fame and website and ego and star power and ego, because she “disapproved of the fact that Paltrow did not graduate college.”

To be fair, Paltrow did attend the University of California, Santa Barbara — a feat that at least two biographies of Goop attributed to her family’s long relationship with UCSB alum Michael Douglas — but left after one year to become an actress.

And so, twenty years later, hoping to be a contributor to Yahoo, Goop gets the news that college dropouts, no matter large their egos, needn’t apply.

My.Heart.Weeps.

Are Kim Kardastrophe and KrayKray West headed for a d-i-v-o-r-c-e?

Well, maybe yes, maybe no. I say no because their marriage seems to be one based on media attention, not actual love for one another because the pair rarely spend any time together at all. I mean, Kanye spent Thanksgiving eating dinner in Paris with male friends, while Kimmy was at home basting the turkey all by her lonesome.

And now, because he’s ALLEGEDLY working on new music, he may spend Christmas away from his shrew wife and Kimmy is livid … well, she’s mad because for her to be livid you’d have to first explain what livid means.

Still, a couple of weeks back,  the couple did get to spend some quality time together during a family outing to Disney On Ice at Staples Center … until the middle of the show when Kanye up and left and never returned.

Perhaps one of his male friends was hungry?

Still, I’m guessing this mess of a marriage works because they rarely see one another, I mean, with one having an ego the size of his wife’s ass and the other having an ass the size of her husband’s ego.

Selena Gomez used to be BFFs with Taylor Swift; and they’re still friendly every now and again, when Selena breaks up with Justin Bieber for a hot minute to sing a song about how much she loves him and then go back to him so she can break up with him again.

But, apparently she now misses Little Biebs so much that she spent most of Swifty’s birthday party sobbing on the terrace over her broken relationship with that egg-tossing-drag-racing-Sizzurp-slurping too.

According to witnesses at TayTay’s 25th birthday party — attended by fellow media whores Jay Z and Beyoncé — at Swifty’s NYC penthouse, Selena was reportedly crying out on the terrace because she misses her Little Man and shouting, at anyone who would listen:

“No one understands me! My boyfriend doesn’t even understand me.”

Oh honey, we understand you. You’re a delusional young girl who thinks your life is wrapped up with a Twit.

Problem is, you don’t understand that.

Gosh, the folks at NBC”s Today Show are really desperate to grab some ratings away from Good Morning America, even going so far as to cancel an interview with Amy Adams because she wouldn’t talk about The Sony Hack.

Really.  Adams was in NYC to promote Big Eyes, which comes out on Christmas Eve and was directed by Tim Burton and distributed by The Weinstein Company. No connection to Sony whatsoever.

And yet, when Amy Adams went on Today all they wanted to talk about was the Sony Hack. Adams came to the set, and although she’d already told producers she did not, and would not, discuss The Hack, she once again had to tell the bigwigs that she would prefer to avoid the subject, given this was a four-minute interview and she was there to talk about her movie which, again, has nothing to do with Sony.

Adams says she was told that Today is a news organization — how’s that for high-larity? — and she was told no one dictates their interviews. Adams didn’t balk, and was, in fact, shown on TV screens as an upcoming segment and then … nothing.

The show bounced her, pulled her segment and completely wasted her time, though Today execs are spinning it that Adams was at fault and behaved like some kind of hellcat.

Who says hellcat anymore?

Here’s the deal: she was there to talk Big Eyes and had just four minutes to do it, but they wanted to talk The Hack because they’re desperate to appear relevant. Now they’ll be hard-pressed to ever get Adams back or any other actor who wants to promote a film and not Sony.

Stupid move, NBC ... NBC ... No.Body.Cares.

Last week, several unfinished tracks from Madonna’s latest album were leaked onto the internet by someone or a few someone’s who just couldn’t wait to hear some auto-tuned dance tunes from an aging, surgically enhanced diva.

But the best part of this is how Madge, speaking in that clipped British accent she’s not-yet-quite-perfected, tells the tale of living in a “state of terror” since the leak:

“Obviously there is a person, or a group of people behind this that were essentially terrorizing me. I don’t want to sound alarming, but certainly that’s how I felt. It’s one thing if someone comes into your house and steals a painting off your wall: that’s also a violation, but, your work, as an artist, that’s devastating. I’m an artistic person, I’m very expressive. I’m sorry if words alarm people, but that’s what it felt like. It was not a consensual agreement. I did not say ‘hey, here’s my music, and it’s finished.’ It was theft.”

Oh, it’s theft all right, but, Madge, seriously, calm yourself down … settle ... settle … sip some tea … because leaking your music, or what passes for music these days, is not terrorism.

Nobody died, dear, though I’m sure ear drums will be bleeding.

So after The Interview was made — detailing in all its high comedy the assassination of a country’s leader because that’s funny stuff — Sony found its emails hacked and all kinds of bad stuff happened.

So, Sony pulled the move after what Homeland Security called "not credible threats" of something happening should the film open on Christmas as planned and then ... cue publicity ... and now cue Sony saying they will release The Interview on Christmas after all.

Now, I know they were hacked and all kinds of private info and emails were released, but, show of hands, who feels like Sony just played The Hack for more publicity for what was bound to be another Franco bomb?

And seriously, now they’re playing it like it would be unpatriotic if you don’t go see this piece of crap.

F**k you Sony. This was just a stunt and I ain’t buying that … or a ticket to this piece of schlock.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

The Hatfield’s and the McCoy’s ain't got nuthin' on Stewart and Paltrow.

Yup, the Rich White Lady feud goes on. As y'all remember, back in October, Martha Stewart published a Thanksgiving pie recipe in her Martha Stewart Living magazine called Conscious Coupling. 

Well, Gwyneth has yanked her hoops out her ears and fired back by posting a recipe called Jailbird Cake to GOOP.

Next up, Martha's Jennifer-Lawrence-Is-A-Tart-Who’s-Banging-Your-Ex-Husband, followed soon by Paltrow's Orange Is The New Black Forest Cake.

Rich bitch feuds are funny.

So, Kyle Chrisley — son of reality TV matriarch patriarch Todd Chrisley — has told Life & Style that Daddy is definitely gay:

“All the people he calls his best friends in the world…they’re gay. I used to work with him at Chrisley Asset Management. If one of the asset managers was going to take a piss, he would say, ‘You want me to come hold it for you?’”

The gay rumors are nothing new since a handful of former employees ALLEGE that Daddy Chrisley used to regularly comment on the size of their junk, and would invite make employees to, ahem, "jerk off’ with him in the restroom;" Daddy has also been accused of inappropriately touching employees, and making sexual gestures toward subordinates.

Asked to comment on his son's latest allegations, Todd instead let a rep speak for him:

"[Todd] is not concentrating on the words that Kyle is saying, but rather on getting him the necessary psychiatrist and medical care he so desperately needs.” 

Snap. Sonny says daddy’s a 'mo, and daddy says sonny is crazy. Lovely family, no?

No.

Onto Lohan ... Since things seem to be going so well for Lindsay in London — she's actually showing up to performances of Speed-The-Plow and not being completely terrible — rumor has it that she's ready to ply her trade — not that trade — in Hollywood again.

A source close to Lohan — set down the Chardonnay and take a bow, Dina — says that when Speed-The-Plow wraps next week, Lohan will be heading back to the big screen in a trio of star turns:

“Lindsay is doing better than she has in years! Lindsay is determined to be a movie star again. Lindsay plans to return home to her family in New York for a bit and is then heading to L.A. because she has three big movies that she is getting ready to star in.”

Well, according to IMDB, those "star turns" are in films like a thriller called Soul Carriers, a zombie movie called Six Gun Dead, and a sci-fi movie called Life Travelers, with Lindsay being the most famous name in all of them. And her co-stars are listed as "Starbucks barista" and "GAP shirt-folder."

Yeas, she's making a comeback—

Comeback?!!? I hate that word: It's a return!

Who’s the bigger queen, Elizabeth, or William and Kate?

With Duchess Kate and Prince William coming to the US in a couple of weeks, the British Monarchy has sent out a dress code for any American reporter who wants to talk to their royal highnesses. So, if you even think about asking Kate a question while wearing a GAP t-shirt, or some kind of Sears schmata, think again because you will not be allowed anywhere near royalty.

Here’s what you need to know — direct from the Palace:

Journalists wishing to cover Royal engagements, whether in the United Kingdom or abroad, should comply with the dress code on formal occasions out of respect for the guests of The Queen, or any other member of the Royal Family. Smart attire for men includes the wearing of a jacket and tie, and for women a trouser or skirt suit. Those wearing jeans or trainers will not be admitted and casually dressed members of the media will be turned away. This also applies to technicians.

Turned away is Brit-speak for hauled off to the Tower of London where you will be beheaded.

Leave those Reeboks at home, y’all, it ain’t worth dying over.

So, when last we left Halle Berry, she was trying to have her child support payments to ex-baby daddy, Gabriel Aubry, cut from 16K a month to just 3K because she says Gabriel’s living off her dough. But, the judge in the case told Halle to take a seat and rethink both her lawsuit and her recent career choices — Extant, anyone — but Halle ain’t playing.

Now, she’s filed another suit because she says Gabriel is … wait for it … it borders on child abuse … straightening and lightening their daughter Nahla’s hair.

Oh.The.Humanity. In the court papers — and, seriously, to Halle Berry this is a lawsuit — Halle claims that Gabriel has denied dyeing Nahla’s hair, so Halle cut a piece out and sent it to a lab for testing. Halle says she noticed a difference in her daughter’s hair when Nahla returned from a visit to Gabriel in August 2013, saying: 

"Gabriel continues to maintain that he has done and is doing nothing to cause the extensive straightening, color changes, stripping and damaging of our daughter’s hair. [But] I have personally observed the changes in Nahla’s hair texture and color over the last year. I have never personally experienced hair damage nor have I ever known a single person whose hair has suffered such excessive changes from spending time in a salt water pool (or even chlorinated water) and sunlight."

Then Halle offered up ‘before and after’ photos of Nahla to the court and said:

"I have since reviewed the laboratory report concerning this very hair sample that I obtained, which confirms to me that Gabriel has not been truthful about what he has done and had been doing to our daughter’s hair. I continue to worry about the potential psychological and physical damage to Nahla that can be caused by the use of chemical hair treatments and the psychological message that it conveys to Nahla, and to implore the court to put a stop to Gabriel’s attempts to alter our daughter’s appearance and most probably cause her to wonder why her natural appearance is not good enough."

Apparently Halle’s lawyer actually claimed that Gabriel is trying to make Nahla look white — okay, that’s what TMZ says, though Halle’s own words seem to suggest it, too — and a judge actually ordered Gabriel to stop changing Nahla’s hair. But, he’s also ordered Halle to stop futzing with their daughter’s appearance, too.

Seriously? Maybe Nahla asked her Daddy to fix her hair, and maybe she didn’t. Did anyone ask her? Or did they just file a lawsuit? A hair injunction? I think Halle needs to get a hobby, and by hobby I mean anything that doesn’t involve her suing her daughter’s father every other week.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

So, Katherine Heigl’s new political thriller — that I kind of think of as Homeland without great scripts or great acting — State of Affairs premiered last Monday to so-so reviews and so-so ratings; it was solidly bested by Gotham,  a much better show in my mind. But this isn’t about he soon to crash-and-burn Heigl experiment, but about Heigl herself.

During the press tour she had to answer all kinds of questions about her Grey’s Anatomy diva behavior — she left the show because she thought she was bigger than TV … cut to a few years later and look who’s back on the tube — and the fact that she talked smack about Shonda Rimes, creator of Grey's. Shonda hasn’t been a fan since Heigl removed herself from Emmy consideration in 2008 because she felt Shonda’s scripts weren’t good enough to be Emmy-worthy.

I know, bitch, right?

So, when the news broke that Heigl was back on TV Rimes was asked about the differences between Grey's Anatomy and Scandal, and she said:

“There are no Heigls in this situation… I don’t put up with bullshi–t or nasty people. I don’t have time for it.” 

Now Heigl is playing the Pity Card, though she’s not denying she was a raging diva, and she wants to make up with Shonda, so here’s her mea culpa:

“I am sorry that [Shonda] feels that way and I wish her nothing but greatness and I have nothing negative to say about [her]. I’m a big fan of her work. I watch Scandal every week and so I’m sorry she’s left with such a crappy impression of me. I wish I could do something to change that. Maybe I will be able to someday.”

Howsabout just stop being a diva and stop pissing people off with your holier-than-thou attitude and maybe then people will stop thinking ill of you.

Failing that, just keep quiet, and keep the want ads handy; you’re gonna need ‘em.

Jaden and Willow Smith. Is it any surprise that, with parents like theirs, who are less parents and more sidekick, these two aren’t more idiotic? See, it seems the Smith kids gave an interview to the New York Times’ T Magazine and were all kinds of crazy and delusional. Let’s listen in …

Willow says she’s reading Quantum Physics, while Jaden is reading “The Ancient Secret of the Flower of Life and ancient texts; to that end, they were asked what they think about time:

WILLOW: I mean, time for me, I can make it go slow or fast, however I please, and that’s how I know it doesn’t exist.

JADEN: It’s proven that how time moves for you depends on where you are in the universe. It’s relative to beings and other places. But on the level of being here on earth, if you are aware in a moment, one second can last a year. And if you are unaware, your whole childhood, your whole life can pass by in six seconds. But it’s also such a thing that you can get lost in.

Then T Magazine asked about their music and how they’ve gotten better over the years:

WILLOW: Caring less what everybody else thinks, but also caring less and less about what your own mind thinks, because what your own mind thinks, sometimes, is the thing that makes you sad.

JADEN: Exactly. Because your mind has a duality to it. So when one thought goes into your mind, it’s not just one thought, it has to bounce off both hemispheres of the brain. When you’re thinking about something happy, you’re thinking about something sad. When you think about an apple, you also think about the opposite of an apple. It’s a tool for understanding mathematics and things with two separate realities. But for creativity: That comes from a place of oneness. That’s not a duality consciousness. And you can’t listen to your mind in those times — it’ll tell you what you think and also what other people think

And that bit of gibberish lead to the topic of school and education—remember that Will and Jada built a Scientology-based school for their kids to attend but when it went broke, well, education over:

JADEN: Here’s the deal: School is not authentic because it ends. It’s not true, it’s not real. Our learning will never end. The school that we go to every single morning, we will continue to go to.

WILLOW: Forever, ‘til the day that we’re in our bed.

JADEN: Kids who go to normal school are so teenagery, so angsty.

WILLOW: They never want to do anything, they’re so tired.

And then Jaden, well, went all badly home-schooled:

JADEN: You never learn anything in school. Think about how many car accidents happen every day. Driver’s ed? What’s up? I still haven’t been to driver’s ed because if everybody I know has been in an accident, I can’t see how driver’s ed is really helping them out.

The one question that perhaps was never asked, and perhaps should have been the first question out of the interviewer’s mouth, is, “Where the hell are your parents?”

Off of stupid kids, and on to stupid adults … Gwyneth Paltrow.

She’s a cold bitch whose face is so heavily Botoxed — or whatever kumbaya poison she uses to keep her skin taut and plastic — that it's hard to tell exactly how she feels about her consciously uncoupled husband being with, not being with, and then being with Jennifer Lawrence, and how that makes Goop’s world crumble.

While Paltrow is known for her strict veggie diet and strict healthy lifestyle, it appears that those in the know say that when she discovered her ex-husband, Chris Martin had gotten back together with JLaw, she threw all that out the window and started chain-smoking like some 50s housewife scorned!

The “meltdown” happened on Halloween after Jennifer was spotted at Chris’ Malibu home, and, on her way to a photo shoot, Gwyneth was so on edge she started smoking and even begged her driver to stop for a drink so she could calm her nerves.

An insider — and it’s either Pomegranate or Bathsheba — says, “She was a mess all day.”

She even began maniacally texting Chris and making plans to single-white-female JLaw.

Cigarettes and booze is a slippery slope; next thing you know, Goopy will be snorting bath salts and drinking drain cleaner.

Just sayin’.

Kirk Cameron, beloved TV star from our childhood and now devout evangelical loon, has some important words for you women out there: Get in the kitchen because it’s where you belong.

“If you are a mom, if you are a wife, if you’re the keeper of your home, I want you to know that your joy is so important this Christmas. Because Christmas is about joy and if the joy of the Lord is your strength, remember, the joy of the mom is her children’s strength, so don’t let anything steal your joy. If you let your joy get stolen, it will sap your strength. Let your children, your family, see your joy in the way that you decorate your home this Christmas, in the food that you cook, the songs you sing, the stories you tell, and the traditions that you keep. Invite your whole neighborhood into your Christmas, and invite the world into our story of our king and his kingdom.”

Kirk Cameron steals my joy every time he opens his bassackwards yap.

Back to Goop and her suggestions for Christmas, and, no, I don’ think she wants y’all to buy a bottle of Jack and a carton of Marlboro’s; that’s her special gift to herself.

Here’s what she thinks are the hot, must-have Christmas buys:

$30 Furby

$10 friendship bracelet kit

$4,739 Easy Health Angel Juicer Gold—yes, it’s actually gold!

$4,545 Valentino Canvas Trolley—you know, one of those rolling suitcases

$12,000 Diamond Thickie Esque vase

$495 St. Louis Scully & Scully crystal glasses—they’re $95 each

$1,500 Hermes Avalon blanket

$2,614 Balenciaga New Classic Biker Jacket

$1,995 for a single Anita Ko safety pin earring

$7,600 Cartier bracelet

A Harry Winston diamond cluster ring—price on request

$1,495 Arthur Umanoff bar cart

$3,190 The Row Rina Fringed Cashmere Cape

You can head over to Goop — and why wouldn’t you — to read all about how Paltrow feels about these trinkets, place your order and then write your check for $43,678 — it’ll be more with the Harry Winston Ring of course — and have yourself a merry little Christmas.

I like that Paltrow wants to help out all the Moms with their Christmas shopping.

She’s one of us, you know.

Kendall Jenner was recently hired as the face of Estee Lauder and gave an interview about her fabulous career:

“I’m not trying to use a family name or anything. In reality I worked pretty hard for this … It wasn’t like I just got it magically and it just happened.”

Um, Kendall, I’m’a need you to take a seat and let me school you. No one would know you from Kendall Jackson if your older sister hadn’t laid on her back, pointed her heels to Jesus and let Ray J mount her like a rutting pig; without that there’s be no Keeping Up With The Kardastrophes, and without that there’s be no Kendall Jenner who got an Estee Lauder contract based on merit.

If you’re Kendall Jenner from Akron, Ohio, whose Mom was a teacher and whose dad worked in a bank, you’d be living in a fifth-floor walk-up trying to break into Model’s Inc.

Stop fronting.

Meanwhile, Anna Wintour has defended her decision to put Kendall’s sister, porn star, Kim Kardastrophe and her lunatic husband Kanye West on the cover of Vogue this year, but says it in the most typical Wintour fashion ... with a heavy does of shade.

While at the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York this week she said:

“I think if we just remain deeply tasteful and just put deeply tasteful people on the cover, it would be a rather boring magazine!”

See, she’s a panderer, putting the scourge of the Earth on her magazine to sell copies and keep her on her perch above it all.

Kim Kardashian? Deeply tasteful? Maybe to Ray J.

This week on Today Matt Lauer sat down with boyband One Direction to discuss their upcoming album Four. And oddly enough, there were just four of them on the set that day because Zayn Malik was a no-show for their appearance and performance.

Of course, being the stealth journalist that he is, when he isn’t schtupping his co-workers or getting them fired, Lauer asked where Zayn was, and Liam Payne said his cohort had a, ahem, “tummy bug” and couldn’t make the trip.

Naturally that lead Lauer into investigative journalist mode, because he began asking about how “sick” Zayn actually is, and implying that he’s actually at home with a case of the drug problems.

Oh yes he did.

“There’s obviously a lot of concern, a lot of fans have been tweeting overnight. There’s been a lot of action on social media about him. Is it something more serious than just a minor illness? There have been rumors of substance abuse. What’s going on?”

Once again, Liam stressed that Zayn was at home sick while the rest of One Direction — all three of the Ones — sat there in awkward silence. And Zayn, who wasn’t too sick to turn on the telly, caught the interview and unleashed a torrent of Lauer Loathing of the, ahem, “news” man.

“I’m really angry and upset by what was said on the Today show. I was really ill at the weekend, that’s why I couldn’t fly to America. I was gutted to have to miss album release day, but I’m going to be back as soon as I can. As soon as I’m feeling better I’m going to join the guys and carry on with the promotion for the album.”

Who to believe? The pompous newsman looking for a ratings grab since GMA is regularly trouncing Today, or the wee pop star who may have been too high to fly … on a plane.

I fall into the ‘Who cares’ category but just posted this story for y’all.

More Kim K? M’kay.

This might not be true, but it’s funny and involves Dame Angelina Jolie — whom I adore — so I’m treating it as gospel.’

Angelina is doing a worldwide press tour for her upcoming film Unbroken and was in Sydney, Australia this week. It was a huge event, some of the actors were there, plus Brad, and Angelina even invited the Aussie crew plus Australian WWII veterans to attend.

Cut to Kim Kardashian, who was also in Australia to promote herself, her perfume, her ass, her fat ass on a magazine cover, something, and she wanted to go to the premiere because, well, Angelina and Brad, except … Angelina banned her!

According to the article Kim ‘begged for tickets to the Unbroken premiere’ and ‘desperately tried to arrange a get-together with Brad and Angie’ but that ‘Angie’s people told Kim to buzz off and that Angie didn’t want to socialise with Kim or do a photo op in Australia with her. Kim was crushed.’

Perhaps that’s what it would take to deflate that ass … and her giant butt.

Now, as I said, I don’t know if it’s true, but I’d like to believe it is, and if it is, I love Jolie even more.