I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Lotsa talk swirling around the web-o-sphere that, after their current On The Run [from Marriage] tour, Beyoncé and Jay-Z just might be headed toward a “conscious uncoupling” a la Goopy Paltrow or a “tender undoing” a la Jewel.

A source — and it’s probably Dina Lohan since Lindsay is across the pond and has her phone unplugged — says  Jay-Z has hired marriage counselors, plural, to travel with them on tour because, you know, on tour is the time to work on your marriage. And that same source says that after the tour Beyoncé will be taking all of Jay’s things out the house and dumping them on the street while she blasts “Single Lady” from the roof-tops. The source also says they stopped wearing their wedding rings a long time ago, and that Blue Ivy was a band-aid baby that didn’t take, and that it’s all over except ….

“They are trying to figure out a way to split without divorcing. This is a huge concert tour and they’ve already gotten most of the money from the promoters up front.”

Wow. Putting money before love. That’s love, in a Beyoncé/Jay Z world.

I was wrong last week when I said that Lindsay Lohan was at the Ischia Film Festival in Italy just to party and fall down, because it appears she went here for an altogether different reason: Lindsay won an award, y’all … no lie!.

Lohan was honored with the Ischia Comeback Award in acknowledgement of her role in the West End production of David Mamet’s play Speed-the-Plow and the award was given to her by Oscar-winning director Paul Haggis, whom she praised in her speech:

“Thank you, from someone so amazing as you are, and being a friend to me, and someone who I aspire to work with and that I’m lucky to have in life. So I appreciate that, I really do.  … Thank you for having me. Thank you, Pasquale. Five years before this I was in Capri with you, and a lot has happened since then, which I know and you know. I really appreciate it. Thank you so much. … It’s really lovely to be in a position like this and go through certain things in life that bring you back to a place where you can then just speed into the plows of the new depths of your life. I just wanna give my life my all, and I just wanna wish everyone the best. Thank you and God bless.”

A few points: how does someone win a “comeback” award for a project that hasn’t even been realized yet? She hasn’t come back in Speed-the-Plow because it hasn’t opened yet. And then how sad that she got an award from someone she calls a friend and yet they’ve never worked together; or howsabout the “a lot has happened … which I know and you know” bit … or how she so seamlessly inserted the name of her upcoming comeback “speed into the plow” into her speech when most normal folks know that if you speed into a plow, you’ll die.

Ah Lindsay, the gift that keeps on giving. Now that’s worth comeback!

Speaking of Lohan, let’s talk Ali Lohan.

Remember how she was going to be a model and then all those pictures appeared where her face seemed surgically altered botched? And then she really had no modeling career to speak of except in Japan where she was known as Lindsay’s Little Sister??

Well, now it seems that while she wasn’t modeling she was busy “writing songs and working with a singing coach” because she fancies herself the next Dolly Parton—even though we still have the real Dolly and don’t need no second-rate hack job.

But then Ali and Dina … Pass-The-Box-o-Wine … Lohan went to Nashville together and it is ALLEGED that there might be some interest in Ali’s singing career—that made me throw up in my mouth a little.

In fact, Ali has ALLEGEDLY — because this comes from Dina you know — been offered a $120,000 contract from one unnamed label, but Ali Dina already rejected the offer because she thinks she can get more money wine from someone else.

And a job as a roadie for her Dad and a position as Tour Whore for Mama because Dina and Michael have realized that they have squeezed every cent they could from Lindsay so it’s time to start with the younger one.

I don’t watch The Kardastrophes but it does seem like the one named Kourtney is the most normal; sure, she’s had a baby or three with her boyfriend, but at least she hasn’t been married and divorced a couple of times, or been cheated on by a basketball player, so I kinda thought maybe she wasn’t a real Kardashian.

But apparently she is because the man she picked to inseminate her three times, Scott Disick, is ALLEGEDLY a well-known alcoholic whose love of the bottle has nearly cost him his relationship, his kids and even his life on several occasions … like last month when he was apparently hospitalized AGAIN for alcohol poisoning after going wild at a Hamptons night club while Baby Mama Kourtney was hosting NorthSouthEastWest’s birthday hullaballoo in California.

Seriously? Is one of That Woman’s rules that her daughters marry, or get knocked up by losers? No wonder Rob Kardashian wants nothing to do with the Klan and no wonder Bruce is having more surgeries to look less like himself and more like a Midwestern housewife.

And speaking of Rob … nice segue … in one of the most recent episodes of that family’s “reality” show Kim Kash Kow Kardastrophe-Kwest bashes Rob — behind his back, of course, but in front of a camera crew — for being overweight. 

And while the lovely porn star Kim admits that Khloe is worried about their brother, she actually says she has no “sympathy” for him at all and that he should “suck it up” and fix his problems with depression and his weight.

You know, like she does with shopping sprees and surgeries.

And last, and certainly least, Swifty, er Taylor Swift.

She’s been spending the summer in New York having her photograph taken on the streets of Manhattan every day, in different outfits because, well, she’s Taylor Swift and that’s what she does. That and have her bodyguards shriek at people who have the nerve to eat breakfast in the same room with Swifty and two of her paid BFFs.

 An onlooker — and it might have been Dina celebrating after she sold the Beyoncé story to the press — says, “Taylor and her two friends took a table toward the back of the restaurant, but her two security guards took a seat at the bar, eyeing the other diners like a hawk.”

And while Swifty ate, her guards watched the room and ran at anyone and everyone who dared pick up a cell phone lest they snap a picture of Swifty with wing sauce on her chin. One diner — again ... Dina — said, “My friend took her phone out of her purse, and one of the men screamed ‘NO PICTURES!’ She was just checking the time!”

And apparently there were no rabid fans bothering the little girl at breakfast; in fact, the only disturbance in the entire room was the rampant shenanigans of Swifty’s security team.

Note to Tay-Tay: if you don’t want your picture taken in a public restaurant STAY HOME.

Better yet, just stay home all the time.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Most of us have known for years that Justin Bieber is a douche, but it’s only been about a week since we also learned he's a racist douche after not one, but two, and some say many more, videos have dropped showing him to be a lover of the N-word and the KKK.

Well, his peeps have a plan to save Justin's career, and, of course, their paychecks: have him baptized in a bathtub.

Oh, but they did. Pastor Carl Lentz — who works with Bieber in NYC — spent a week doing intense Bible study with Justin last month, focusing on studying Bible passages and attending services … culminating in an actual baptism performed in the bathtub of a friend.

Why a bathtub?  JB previously checked out a bunch of churches for the dip — but his cover was blown every time and he wanted to keep the whole thing private. Plus, you know, he really needed a bath.

Jennifer Lopez and Casper Smart were never going to last, and after the latest rumors about Casper’s sexting affair with transsexual model Sofie Viss, there was no way it could continue.

But the funny thing is that, though the story of Casper's dalliances with transsexual model's broke just last week, JLo is trying to tell us that the couple broke up a month-and-a-half ago, you know, so it doesn't look like her Little Boy cheated on her. But, um, he went to a photo shoot with Jell-O just last week and is still living in the manse, so, yeah, lie.

I mean, how could anyone cheat on JLo when that's what she does? It's a shame, though, that her book on love will be coming out now that she's a single gal on the block.

Oops, i typed too soon, because it seems now that JLO might already be dating dancer Maksim Chmerkovskiy who is amazingly only ten years younger than Jell-O.

So, perhaps the Biggest Media Whore™ in the world isn't named Kardastrophe, or called That Woman, after all. No, the Biggest Media Whore™ of all time has to be Tori Spelling.

First we had the reality series about Tori and Dean cranking out babies after they met and banged in Canada while away from their respective spouses. Then we had Tori doing a reality show about opening a business, moving from LA, buying a house in LA, which all lead up to the inevitable Tori Spelling reality show about her cheating husband cheating on her and their subsequent attempts to stay together.

That series ended and not it appears that the Biggest Media Whore™ and her lapdog husband want to do a reality show about how they found their way back to one another and will renew their wedding vows on, where else, reality TV followed by another Reality TV Baby.

Biggest Media WhoriTori. Cue vomit.

So, those crazy kids Antonio Banderas and Melanie Griffith, who also met while cheating on their spouses some twenty years ago, have called an end to their eighteen-year marriage. 

Is it because Melanie spends more time in rehab and a plastic surgeons office than at home, or is it because Antonio suffers from WPS, Wandering Penis Syndrome?

Whatever .. they are both spinning the “We have thoughtfully and consensually decided to finalize our almost twenty years marriage in a loving and friendly manner honoring and respecting each other, our family and friends and the beautiful time we have spent together.”

If it's all so lovely and sweet and friendly, why divorce? Oh yeah, rehab, Botox, schtupping.

Halle Berry has been court-ordered to pay $16,000 a month in child support to her first Baby Daddy, Gabriel Aubry, and the world is going crazy.

Why? Because a woman is paying child support. But Halle makes much more money than Aubrey and if little Nahla is expected to continue to live the life of luxury her mama provides, then she needs that same lifestyle with daddy.

It's only fair; if Aubrey was the money man in that relationship, he'd be coughing up the dough and no one would care, so it’s only right that Halle write the checks until Nahla turns 19, or graduates high school.

And by then Halle will also be paying child support to ex-husband and baby Daddy Two, Olivier Martinez.

Remember watching Lindsay Lohan on her reality show docu-series and listening to her talk about how her family is the most important thing in her life? Well, I do, but apparently Lindsay herself has forgotten.

See, it seems Lindsay's youngest brother, Dakota, was graduating from high school recently and Lindsay couldn't be bothered to attend because she's busy filming her comeback appearing on a cheap sitcom partying in London.

In fact, rather than celebrate her brother's transition from high school to college--something Lindsay knows nothing about--she's been posting pictures of her London rampages from party to party, pipe to pipe.

Of course, Dakota's daddy, the patriarch of crazy, Michael Lohan, also skipped the event, though he had a better excuse; he needed to stay in Florida and babysit his kids because their mother is in jail.

Does Hallmark make a card for that?

Khloe Kardashian has been laying low since The Pre-Divorce Ceremony of Kim and Kanye, but one thing she has done is take to Instagram post a picture of brother Rob and herself as children and bemoan his absence from the family, saying:

 “I miss my best friend @robkardashian.”

Rob, though, will never see it, because right after he fled Italy, before The Pre-Divorce Ceremony, he either got into a fight with Kim because she said he's fat or got into a fight with That Woman because she thinks he's a disgrace to the family since he doesn't whore himself out at every turn.

I think he's looking like the only smart one in that whole Klan.

Michael Jackson‘s kids — Paris, Prince and Blanket — were never going to be short on cash, we all knew that. They were born rich and they’ll die rich, er, richer, because Jacko is now worth more dead than he ever was alive and his children reap the benefits by having an allowance of $8 million dollars a years, with an additional $20,000 per month of "walking around money."

Yes, that's what I said. And what do they spend it on?

Prince spent $50,000 on custom-made jewelry for three of his girlfriends, plus $40,000 on a new Ford pick-up truck. But he'S desperate to save money so he can buy back Daddy's Neverland Ranch, currently in control of creditors, for the asking price of $35 million.

Paris also spends money on hangers-on friends, but a large chunk of her money goes toward her continuing stay at a therapeutic boarding school, following last year’s suicide attempt. 

Blanket takes his cousins to expensive dinners and movies at a cost of $500-per-person-per-night plus tip; he also spends $200 an hour for karate lessons and a personal trainer.

All three offspring take three vacations a year, totaling $350,000 including first-class airfare and security; in Hawaii, they stay in a $5,500-per-night suite; in Vegas, they rent the Bellagio’s penthouse suite for 5K per night.

Sheesh. My allowance barely covered Gummy Bears, but you just know these three kids will turn out normal. I mean, they have the examples of LaToya and Jermaine to follow, right?

So, Lea Michele has moved on after the drug overdose of former co-star and boyfriend Cory Monteith. But has she chosen wisely? You be the judge.

She has been secretly dating a man named Matthew Paetz for a few months. He's rather good-looking and often works as a model, which Lea must like, but I wonder how much she knows about his other job as an escort?

On his Facebook profile, Paetz lists his occupation as a “certified life coach, dating expert and massage therapist” — whatever that means — but on his escort page on Cowboys 4 Angels, where he goes by the name of “Christian”, his occupation is listed as “Straight Male Escort For Women – Male Companion For Women”.

But maybe now that he's hooked himself a real star Paetz has taken a hiatus from being a Cowboy for an Angel.

So, it was only a month or so ago that serial gambler Ben Affleck was caught counting cards at the Hard Rock Casino in Vegas and ejected, though, to be fair, he was subsequently invited back.

But now he's in Detroit filming Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice and spends a great deal of time over the border at the Caesars Windsor Hotel and Casino in Windsor, Ontario and he's taken the card counting act on the road and was promptly kicked out again.

An eyewitness — and I'd say it was Lohan if she wasn't drunk and bobbing up and down on the Thames about now — says, “Ben walked in and went straight to the card games. His hair was a disaster, and he looked like a mess! He sat down and played for roughly 20 minutes before security heard he was there. They made the dealers stop what they were doing and asked him to leave. Ben seemed pretty mad.”

Mad? At being caught counting cards again? Affleck needs to find a new shtick, like, oh, I dunno, going home to his family after work?

There’s a saying that goes Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned and that appeared to be true this week when Kanye West, after Jay Z and Beyoncé skipped out on his Pre-Divorce Ceremony, omitted Jay Z’s name from all of his lyrics during his recent performance at Austin’s X Music festival.

It was first noted by a concert-goer, who goes by the tag ‘okstatetw,’ on an online forum Kanye to the (via Consequence of Sound) who noticed something peculiar about Kanye’s rap: “First time he [skipped Jay Z's name], I [thought], ‘Ehh that’s odd, maybe he’s just letting the crowd finish it whatever.’ Then [Kanye] skipped his name again … Definitely obvious and intentional.”

And Okstatetw posted two videos of Kanye onstage and the change in lyrics:  “Lucky I ain’t had Jay drop him from the team” was rapped as “Lucky I ain’t had … drop him from the team.”

In the song Blood on the Leaves, the recorded version says: “I don’t give a damn if you used to talk to Jay Z / He ain’t with you, he with Beyoncé, you need to stop actin’ lazy”.  In concert, though, Kanye again left out Jay Z’s name and revised that last line to say: “You need to stop actin’ crazy!”

Like I said, Hell hath no fury …