I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Paris Hilton is still around, and apparently still buying tiny animals. See, back in September she paid some $13,000 for a Pomeranian puppy that will never weigh more than 2 pounds that she named Prince Hilton the Pom.

But he’s now at full-weight, so Paris needed a new tiny animal to carry around, not like a living thing, but like an accessory … a ring … a coke spoon … something, so she purchased two more dogs — one for her and one for her mom — for $25,000, and named her dog, Princess Paris Jr.

Ritzy name for a tiny dog that will probably be used as some kind of drug mule.

Note to Paris: I bet you could buy a nice dog for, oh say, $500 and then give $24,500 to charity? That thought ever cross your min — oh, never mind.

After The Sony Hack revealed the ugly truth about unequal pay for women in Hollywood, Charlize Theron decided enough was enough, and is insisting that she be paid the same as Chris Hemsworth in their upcoming movie, “The Huntsman” the sequel to Snow White and The Huntsman—which, I guess means Kristen Stewart, who played … and this makes me giggle … Snow White, won’t be back … halleloo!

Back to Charlize, who demanded the same ten million as Chris, saying she has a great track record. Um, okay, did anyone mention Aeon Flux or A Million Ways to Die in the West or Prometheus or Young Adult or Brandon Flowers: Crossfire or Astro Boy or The Road or The Burning Plain or Hancock or Sleepwalking or Battle in Seattle or North Country or Head in the Clouds or The Life and Death of Peter Sellers?

Great track record? Charlize, honey, who are you kidding. I’d pay ten million to see Chris Hemsworth walk across my living room in a fig leaf, but I wouldn’t pay ten bucks to see you ‘act.’

Just sayin’.

Oh goodness, that Kim Kardastrophe never fails to make everything about her.

Last week she and the Mad Man were finally together for a weekend in the Big Apple and celebrated John Legend’s birthday with him.

This picture is how Kim wished her friend a happy birthday: by placing her augmented boobs front and center and shoving the birthday boy to one side where he was almost cropped out.

Big ass, Big Head.

Swifty was at the Globes this week because, well, there are men there and she needs a new boyfriend and some material for new songs, so she wriggled into a gown and off she went.

And she hit the after-parties with new BFF Lorde. But one person she wasn’t counting on seeing … right, Taylor … was Golden Globe nominee and her ex-boyfriend, he of the classic Swifty tune, You’re No Jake, You’re A Rake Who Breaks My Heart, Jake Gyllenhaal.

And Swifty apparently had a meltdown because Jake was in the same room, and was dancing with Rita Ora and then with actress … I dunno who she is … Malin Akerman, then his sister, and then his co-star in Constellations on Broadway, Ruth Wilson.

This apparently sent Swifty into a spiral and an eyewitness — perhaps Lohan, drunk under a bar or something — said, “I saw her grab her friend’s hand and repeat, ‘We have to go. We have to go.’”

The source says Swifty scurried off to the bathroom, where she ran into BFFs Cara Delevingne, Dakota Johnson, and … oopsy … Rita Ora:

“The four girls were together and Taylor was having a mini meltdown. Cara’s arm was around Taylor, calming her down as Rita looked on. They were talking extremely closely.”

She left the bathroom and wandered around the lobby for a hot minute — her makeup smudged — before she and Cara sat on a bench out front.

Oh Swifty? Didn’t you date Jake about ten years ago? I mean, he might have seen you and wondered who you were and why they let an underage girl into the party.

But at least you’ll have something to write in your diary, and a new song to pop out like a bad case of diarrhea.

So, Kirstie Alley is thin again, y’all and has been making the rounds to promote Jenny Craig … again. She went on Howard Stern’s show and talked Jenny … and a lot of stuff jenny may not have wanted her to talk about.

:::cough Scientology ::: cough ::: Leah Remini :::: cough :::

She declared that she is now something called an OT Level VII Scientologist which means no one audits Kirstie, Kirstie audits herself; and also meaning she’s nearly as high-up as Top Tiny Scientologist Tom Cruise, who is at Level VIII. I think Level VII is the Certifiably Insane Level. ALLEGEDLY.

Kirstie also threw shade at old pal, and former Scientologist, Leah Remini. Remini famously left the COS in 2013 after filing a missing persons report for COS head honcho David Miscavige’s wife, Shelley. The report went nowhere because Miscavige was able to halt the investigation by the LAPD and Kirstie went after Leah, though she’s always denied that allegation:

“She left the religion and she was very critical. That’s just sort of water under the bridge. There’s nothing going on and there was nothing going on for years. I didn’t shun her, but if a lot of people are rejecting you, at some point you gotta ask, ‘What am I doing?’ I mean, that’s what I would have asked myself.”

She didn’t shun Leah but a lot of people did? Uh huh. And if a lot of people shun you does that mean you needed to be shunned, or does it mean that a cult wants to distance itself from a member who broke away.

I’d wait for Kristie’s response, but she’s having a sammich and one does not disturb Kirstie when she’s with a sammich.

So, does JLo have a new much younger boyfriend, or is she just dating her The Boy Next Door co-star Ryan Guzman until the movie comes out and bombs and then she’ll dump him?

I mean, she did bring him as her Plus One to the Globes and the two posed together on the carpet, and she introduced him to everybody. And he’d be perfect for her because he’s twenty-seven to her forty-five, so he’s still in Son of JLo age range.

But, is it just me or is something pinging about Guzman? I mean, JLo allegedly has a habit of going for The Gays.

Right, Casper?

Did y’all see Justin Bieber’s Calvin Klein ads where he’s trying to Marky Mark his way into our hearts?

Not working because, even though Marky Mark was kind of a dangerous, criminal type, Justin is more of an egg-tossing, drag-racing wannabe, so, yeah, there’s that.

There is also the fact that the ads were photoshopped to bulk up Bieber’s pecs and crotch, and even though the photos are out there, The Biebs and his team are in suing mode ore anyone who says the ad isn’t all Bieber.

In fact, Team Bieber sent a cease and desist letter to the website that first posted the ALLEGED un-retouched Calvin Klein photo, asking to have the photo removed. His people say the photo isn’t real and, darn it, the picture made Justin cry so y’all just stop it. Now.

On a sicker note, Team Bieber even had Bieber’s personal trainer, Patrick Nilsson, give a statement on how big the Bieber junk is:

“I can definitely confirm that he is a well-endowed guy.”

Wait. A guy is talking Bieber junk? Couldn’t they get a stripper to confirm it? Or Selena Gomez?

Just sayin’.

More trouble over there at The View and this time it isn’t about Whoopi and Rosie O trying to wrestle control over the show from the other.

This time word on the street is that Rosie Perez will soon be out. Or that she’s already gone because she was just sick of that whole toxic environment.

Perez hasn’t been on The View all month because she’s ALLEGEDLY been busy rehearsing the Broadway play Fish in the Dark; Rosie O has been saying that Perez will be out for the rest of the month but will be back next month, though sources — and it could be Lohan angling for a TV gig — say that isn’t going to happen. That source says Rosie P “never got a hang of the show’s mixture of hard and soft news” and she has trouble reading the TelePrompTer … ouch … though a spokeswhore for ABC — and that could be Barbara Walters — says:

 “Rosie Perez is currently in rehearsal for her Broadway play for the month of January. Her status with the show has not changed.”

There is also a rumor that ABC is gonna kill The View to add another hour to the far more popular, and less drama-filled, Good Morning America.

That I can see.

Let’s finish with more Biebs … During his vacation in Turks and Caicos, Justin Bieber ran into Rolling Stone Keith Richards. Justin, who figures himself rock royalty, wandered over to Keith’s table for a drink when, according to a source — possibly Selena Gomez hiding under the table to measure Justin’s, er, inseam, for a tabloid — says:

 “Justin tried to bro down with him.”

To which Richards ALLEGEDLY — though I believe it — said:

“Let’s get one thing straight. You’re a wannabe.”

Better than another group this week, a conservative political group that mistook Justin Bieber for Miley Cyrus.

That’s seriously happened.

I Ain't One To Gossip But .... Girls Gone Wild

There have always been lots of rumors about why Gwyneth Paltrow and her luggage carrier, Chris Martin — I hear he sings, too — “consciously uncoupled.” Some say he cheated; some say she cheated; some say — okay everybody says — she’s a controlling out-of-touch diva bitch.

Well, now it looks as if Gwynnie’s jump-off has been revealed, and it’s none other than Glee co-creator Brad Falchuk, which may explain why she’s been on that show more often than Matthew Morrison lately.

See, right  after Paltrow’s first appearance on Glee back on Oh-Ten, rumors began to swirl that she and Brad’s relationship had moved beyond friendship to something a little more touchy-feely, bumping uglies, especially where their respective spouses were concerned.

Brad and his wife, Suzanne Bukinik, have also “consciously uncoupled” and, in fact, her name no longer appears on Falchuk’s Wikipedia page; seriously! And, according to their divorce papers, filed by the missus, the date of separation is “to be determined.”

As in, it depends on when Gwyneth first showed up on the set of Glee and demanded my husband service her.

Or something.

A bit ago, I talked about former  TV star and current nobody, Tia Mowry, complaining that A-lister Charlize Theron was rude to her  at SoulCycle; a recap: Tia went to say Hi to Charlize and Theron “actually rolled her eyes and said, ‘Oh my God.’”

And now it might get worse, because now that Tia opened her D-list yap, rumor has it that  Theron is actively working to get Mowry banned from the upscale spin studio.

An insider — and it’s probably Tia looking for another paycheck — says, “Charlize came in so pissed off after Tia went to the tabloids about her, and she demanded we bar Tia from ever coming back. When the manager refused Charlize just got angrier and said she’d go to the top to make it happen.”

And she will; she’s got Sean Penn to back her up; you know, the guy who tied up Madonna back in the day, and not in the fun way!

Lindsay Lohan:

“People have certain perceptions of me. For a long time, people looked at me as kind of a celebrity, which is something I never wanted…That’s not what I got into this industry for… And what better than to do it with the great people that I’m working with on stage in London … so that people can focus on the fact that I’m in this industry because I’m an actress and an artist and not just someone you take photos of? I don’t understand the crazy fascination with me because it kind of scares me. Even when I’m not doing anything, they create something that I’m doing…”

And yet all we’ve seen of Lindsay of late is not Lohan in London prepping for her stage debut next month, but yachting in the Mediterranean looking like a drunk-ass mess. Lindsay has been partying nearly non-stop for the past month in Europe, and last week, in Greece, she seemed to welcome the paparazzi to take photos of her.

And now her friends — okay, it’s just Dina and Michael wondering about their dividends from the play — are worried because Lohan isn’t returning their texts or calls, and are thinking of staging an intervention.

A source — and it’s Dina, unless it’s being sung with a country twang, then it’s Ali Lohan — says, “Lindsay has abandoned her friends and her sober community. She has stopped responding to our texts and calls and is basically ignoring everyone now. She’s getting the texts because they show up as read; she’s just not answering.”

And now it seems that Lohan has ALLEGEDLY been missing rehearsals for her upcoming play.

But seriously, did anyone really think Lohan would stop partying to go to work?

Apparently Kendall Jenner was rude to a waitress and because she’s been influenced by Kash Kow and Kanye, she has flipped her weave about it.

It seems Kendall and a friend ate at a NYC restaurant and they didn’t pay for their meal at first. The waitress rushed outside, followed them, and asked them to pay their tab, when Kendall, okay ALLEGEDLY, threw a few twenties at the girl and the catwalk-stomped off.

Then the waitress went to Twitter to complain — “That horrible moment you chase a Kardashian down the street because she forgot to pay her bill to be thrown money in your face.” — about Kendall’s Kardastrophic behavior  and, well, Kendall threw a fit., denying the incident. And you know when a Kardastrophe, even one by association, denies something, it’s probably true; think Kim and her second marriage;’ think Khloe and her first marriage.

Anyway, it seems like Kendall wasn’t content to simply deny the waitress’s account of things and move on because now she’s had her lawyer — probably That Woman dressed like Clarence Darrow — fire off a cease-and-Desist letter.

Funny thing is, no one, and I mean no one, would have known this story if Kendall hadn’t had a TwitFit because the waitress probably had about six followers. But Kendall probably searches Twitter for the #skanktag, er, #hashtag, Kardastrophe every morning and when she found it she had a MiniKimye Meltdown.

Miley Cyrus. Wha’happen?

I mean, after twerking on Robin Thicke’s crotch last year—before all those other women twerked on him and his wife left him—she’s been MIA. Or at least, except for her hospitalization for drug overdose exhaustion last summer we’ve been Miley Free.

Until now … a new story is out about Miley being “out of control” again and acting so redneck she make’s Britney Spears seem positively civilized.

Apparently Miley was a terror during a recent trip to NYC while staying at the chi-chi Greenwich Hotel and was such a wee bitch brat that guests began to complain:  “It was like a tornado hit the lobby,” says one guest. “Miley and her posse took over, screaming and carrying on so much that management received a number of complaints.”

The guests adds that Miley and her group were busily smoking pot in the hash den  lobby and when the management stepped in to politely ask the White Trash Diva to calm the eff down, she started screaming at them and saying that she’s spent so much money there that they should be glad to have her.

Glad to have her pack her cardboard suitcase, get back on the Greyhound, and hightail it back to Butcher Holler.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

I don’t know who Tia Mowry is though I know she has a twin and they were on TV once a long time ago, but Tia, I guess in a move to seem relevant, is talking about a recent run-in with an A-list celebrity.

First, that begs the question, how did Tia Mowry get into the same room as an A-lister? Was she serving the dinner? Parking the car? Bussing the table? I digress … Tia Mowry is talking up a storm about a rude encounter with the Oscar-winning actress Charlize Theron:

“She wasn’t very nice to me. I said ‘Hi,’ and she actually rolled her eyes and said, ‘Oh my God.’”

Tia does say that maybe Charlize was having a bad day, but still has the Charlize Sadz about the whole thing:

“I wasn’t over-the-top. I know how to approach another celebrity. Charlize was just mean. I'm just being honest.”

First off: “another” celebrity? Tia, you ain’t in the same league as Charlize so get it real.

Second off: Maybe Charlize was pissed at your sister and couldn’t tell the difference?

Third off: why is this a story?

I’ve learned several things in life:

Don’t party with Lohan because you’ll end up with a black eye or in jail.

Don’t get near Paris Hilton without a HazMat suit.

Don’t say Hi to Charlize Theron.

And, don’t ever come become Aretha Franklin and a hamburger.

After a show at upstate New York’s Artpark Outdoor Amphitheater, the Queen of Soul was hongray and really wanted a burger, so she headed over to the Johnny Rockets in Niagara Falls, Ontario and ordered a take-out sammich.

But then she took it to a table and … sat … down. Now, some restaurants have made it a policy that take-out food cannot be eaten inside the building because there could be others waiting for that table and because some people pull that trick so they don’t have to pay a tip.

But this was Aretha who does what Aretha wants so she plopped down and began eating when it happened: an employee told her to Get On Up. Her representative said a server actually called Aretha out for eating her take out burger at a table, saying the server screamed at Franklin, saying she couldn’t sit down to eat because she ordered takeout.

Franklin, for her part, says the worker was “very rude, unprofessional and nasty.”

A Johnny Rockets spokeswoman says the franchise owner is sorry for the actions of “a new and very young employee” and says the owner has spoken with the employee and has clarified his takeout policies.

No word on whether or not the server made it out alive.

Do.Not.Come.Between.Aretha.And.Her.Burger.

A week or so ago, while performing in concert, Tim McGraw found himself being grabbed by a female fan — Jesslyn Taylor — who latched onto his thigh, wouldn’t let go, and ripped his jeans in the process. McGraw reacted by swatting the woman away, but his hand made contact with her face and now she’s gone and hired a lawyer and is gonna sue Tim McGraw ... unless he gives a check to just go away.

Since the concert was in Atlanta, the local police department has seen video of the smack and has come down on the side of Tim McGraw, saying Taylor was the aggressive one and McGraw was just protecting his Not-So-Tiny-Tim. And McGraw did say this about the grope’n’smack:

“Sometimes things can lose context and perspective. I reacted in an instinctive, defensive way from my perspective of what was going on. I think it was an unfortunate situation I think all the way around. But it happened, it happened in a split second, it was pure instinctive reaction, I think you just got to move on. It is one of those things that happen, nobody feels good about it, but there’s nothing that could be done about it. You are in that position, you are out there, you are vulnerable, things happen and sometimes you react. There’s nothing to be said about it.”

Jesslyn claims that not only was she slapped, but she was also kicked out of the show and is humiliated; she wants an apology big check from Tim, but I think Tim should sue her for physical assault. Maybe then Jesslyn Taylor will keep her hands to herself.

The rumors aren’t dying that Beyoncé and Jay Z are headed for divorce.

Oh sure, the papers say the marriage is over, but then the next day Beyoncé Instragrams a picture of she and Jay Z playing mommy and daddy to little Blue Ivy, because that’s how Beyoncé handles all bad press; remember she scrubbed her Instagram accounts of Solange after ElevatorGate and then brought her back in a bit later to show everyone that all is well in the Carter house.

Image, baby, it’s all about image … and coins. See, Page Six says what the Carters have isn’t marriage but a business arrangement because they realize they are more marketable together than apart, though the "apart" may be coming soon since Jay Z is ALLEGEDLY banging Rihanna.

In fact, they say the elevator fight after the Met Ball was really over Jay Z's protégé Rihanna, whom he ALLEGEDLY planned to meet later that night at his 40/40 club. “Solange was like, ‘Enough is enough — you must be [screwing] Rihanna.’”

Smack. Kick. Kick. Smack.

Still, rumor has it that Beyoncé and Jay-Z will not put their dying marriage out of its misery until they milk every last dime they can out of this union.

Except … Beyoncé may already have one foot out the door because she is ALLEGEDLY shopping for a new crib without Jay Z.

In fact, she just toured a $21.5 million Chelsea penthouse just a few weeks after ElevatorGate though a source — and who knew Dina Lohan was in real estate — says,  “She was very quiet, as if she was looking on the sly.”

Adding some kerosene to the fire is that fact that Beyoncé is not shopping for the both of them because Jay Z has always been the one to make the real estate deals. And he was nowhere to be seen while Beyoncé shopped, and rumor has it that Jay doesn't want to move from their Tribeca pied-à-terre. Plus, the couple’s 8,309-square-foot Tribeca home is twice as big as the 4,045-square-foot penthouse Beyoncé say and you just know Jay Z don’t downsize.

So, is Beyoncé going Katie Holmes on Jay Z’s ass? Remember when Katie left Tom she’d already bought a new apartment before she tied the sheets together and slipped out of the Cruise Compound.

I loathe Jenny McCarthy. A talentless bimbo more well-known for her boobs and who she's schtupped than anything else, but apparently she’s terrible mother, too.

See, the story goes that McCarthy told her 12 year-old son, Evan, that it’s illegal to text and drive and he took her seriously. Evan is autistic and some folks on the autism spectrum take things literally, so when Evan and mommy were driving and mommy took out her phone to text, Evan called the police on her.

And what did wonderful mom Jenny do? Snatched his phone and threw it out the window. And we know it’s true because that dim bulb told the story on her soon-to-be-cancelled radio show, Dirty, Sexy, Funny.

Not funny, Jenny.

I love a good catfight but we rarely get a man-on-man brawl, until now …

Freddie Prinze Jr. was at Comic-Con last week to promote the Disney XD series Star Wars Rebels and took the time to reveal that he hated working on 24 with Kiefer Sutherland because Sutherland was a jerk.

“I did 24, it was terrible. I hated every moment of it. I just wanted to quit the business after that. So, I just sort of stopped. … I went and worked for Vince McMahon at the WWE, for Christ’s sake … but, at least he was cool and tall. I didn’t have to take my shoes off to do scenes with him, which they made me do [at 24]. Just put the guy on an apple box or don’t hire me next time. You know I’m 6 feet and he’s 5’4. … Kiefer was the most unprofessional dude in the world. That’s not me talking trash, I’d say it to his face. I think everyone that’s worked with him has said that.”

Of course, Kiefer isn’t saying a word because he’s probably sitting in a bar somewhere with his pants around his ankles drunk off his ass, but the good folks at 24 have said Freddie’s not being truthful because they love Kiefer.

Uh huh.

First comes the back-story … a few years back when Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr were still together, there was some gossip that Miranda let Justin Bieber bang her. I know … ick. It was around the time that Justin performed at a Victoria’s Secret runway show and people say Miranda did it for laughs and the possibility of an STD or something; of course, she was also ALLEGEDLY banging Leo DiCaprio, too, so maybe she was the Petri dish in that triad.

Then, when Orlando and Miranda finally split the Bieber rumors were cited by some as the reason, saying Orlando was really upset with the idea that his wife was Biebered. So, of course, as small men do, a few months ago Orlando was spotted out and about with Bieber’s on-again-off-again ex Selena Gomez because, well, Hollywood is incestuous like that.

And so naturally, this week when Orly and Biebs were in the same nightclub in Ibiza, a tiff broke out and Orlando threw a punch at the tiny star and Justin fled the restaurant amid cheers of the onlookers.

A source — and since Lohan is in Europe, and this was at a club, well, you do the math — says, “Justin was at one table, and Orlando was at another. But when Bieber and his party were later walking past Bloom’s table, Orlando refused to shake Bieber’s hand. Bieber said something rude to Orlando, like, ‘She was good.’”

Oh.No.She.Di’in’t. Then Orlando and Justin got in each other’s faces and Orlando threw a punch but he either missed or Bieber dodged it, but the crowd cheered. Later on in the night, after the punch that wasn’t or was heard ‘round the world, Justin Bieber, as little boys are apt to do, Instagrammed a picture of Miranda Kerr and then instantly deleted it.

Seriously, it used to be women having the catfights and now it’s the man-boys.

File this under 'You Ain’t Foolin’ Anyone,' but Oscar nominee, Terrence Howard, who’s made 90+ TV shows and films, says he’s too broke to pay his ex-wife, Michelle, spousal support.

Terrence has asked a judge to throw out his divorce settlement with Michelle, saying they were only married a year and he was extorted and blackmailed into signing the settlement. But Michelle ain’t giving up and is demanding the $325,000 in spousal support she says she’s owed.

And so now Terrence says he could never pay her that much money because he only takes home $5,878 a month, and claims the balance of his earnings are earmarked for spousal and child support to another ex-wife, Lori McMasters. In fact, Terrence says he’s actually an employee on Lori’s payroll because his Hollywood cash goes directly to her and then she cuts him his monthly check.

Poor man. Married a few times and owing money all over the place, with never enough to go around; even though he has eight projects coming up.

Methinks Terry’s gonna have to come up with a better story than being broke.

I live in fear of Martha Stewart ever since the day she stole a cab from me and beat me senseless with a ten-pound slab of pancetta on 5th Avenue. You don’t mess with Martha — though I’d bet on her in a death match with Aretha.

Remember when Stewart was asked about Gwyneth Paltrow’s “lifestyle” blog, GOOP, and Martha threw shade, saying she invented the whole lifestyle biz? Well, now she’s reminding us again, because another Hollywood upstart, Blake Lively, has tried to cut into her livelihood.

Blake has let it be known many times that Martha is her idol and she wants to be her. In fact, she went all Single White Female on Martha when she and hubby, and my Hubby-In-My-Head, Ryan Reynolds, bought the house around the corner from Martha and she started visiting every day. Blake was on Martha’s show; Blake gave Martha’s magazine pictures of her wedding; Blake was trying on Martha’s gardening clogs.

But you can’t fool Stewart; at the Atlantic City Food and Wine Festival Martha was asked about Blake’s new lifestyle ‘blog’ Preserve and she said this:

“They’re very friendly, very nice people. In a way, kind of shy — not shy on the screen, at all, if you’ve seen any of Blake’s movies — but very shy in person. But she’s a baker and a homemaker and now she’s starting her own blog … I haven’t seen it yet.”

Snap! Blake’s very shy in person, but not onscreen if you’ve seen her movies? Makes her sound like a porn star! And then she tosses in the I haven’t seen it yet like it’s so inconsequential. But then someone asked Martha how she felt about Blake Lively wanting to be the new Martha:

“Let her try. I don’t mean that facetiously! I mean, it’s stupid, she could be an actress! Why would you want to be me if you could be an actress? I just did a movie yesterday, though — I can’t even tell you about it — but I want to be Blake Lively.”

Dirt! Blake “could be” an actress.

Like I said, don’t mess with Stewart; she always comes at you with a barb or a ten-pound slab of pancetta and both hurt!