I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Andy Dick has done it again!

It seems that last week Andy was riding his bike around Hollywood when he saw a guy wearing a chain he liked. So Andy rides over, pops the kickstand down, and asked if he could see it.

The guy recognized Andy — though he apparently forgot that Andy Dick is kinda insane — and so he handed over the $1000 necklace. That’s when Andy grabbed it and rode off.

The guy then went to police to report that Andy Dick had stolen his necklace but the police couldn’t find Andy anywhere; apparently they didn’t check bars or the men’s room at the neighborhood park.

So the police went to Andy’s house and found him home, and arrested him for theft; he was released the next morning when someone posted his $25,000 bail.

Across the pond, over there to London, Lindsay Lohan is laughing hysterically and telling friends the way to steal a necklace is to try it on in the store and just walk out with it.

Last we heard from Aretha Franklin, the Queen of Soul was getting the boot from a burger joint for bringing her take-out food into the dining room. Seriously.

Now, Aretha has a new album — Aretha Franklin Sings the Great Diva Classics — to promote and is all over the place talking about it. She spoke to the Wall Street Journal about some of today's, ahem, music stars:

Nicki Minaj: “Hmmm. I’m going to pass on that one.” 

Alicia Keys: “Young performer, good writer, producer.”

Taylor Swift: “Great gowns, beautiful gowns.” 

Whitney Houston: "Whitney was a talent. Definitely a talent. She had a gift. And Cissy’s baby.”

I think a better album would have been Aretha just talking and dissing today’s so-called superstars because I could have done without her butchering Adele’s Rolling in the Deep.

Just sayin’.

So, Britney Spears has a new beau, and one that was handpicked by Daddy Spears no less. Probably a good thing because BritBrit, left to her own, picks guys like KFed and Sam Lutfi and that last guy that cheated on her with a stripper.

Plus, on her own, Brit then ends up all shaved-head and umbrella-wielding.

Not a good look on anyone.

You always hear talk about how the music industry is in trouble, what with internet downloads and all those free music sites. So how does a music superstar like, say, Usher, release new music?

In a box of cereal. No.Lie.

Usher has released his newest song — Clueless … an apt title — exclusively in boxes of Honey Nut Cheerios sold only at Wal-Mart.

The song will be the, ahem, “prize” at the bottom of select boxes of Honey Nut Cheerios packages purchased at Wal-Mart stores across the country.

I’d rather have the red plastic car whose wheels come off after ten minutes, but that’s just me.

So, Justin Bieber … haven’t heard from the Little Imp in a while so let’s check in, m’kay?

Remember how he egged his neighbor’s house and was told to pay to have it cleaned and do community service? Well, he’s forked over some $80,000 and completed six of his required 12 anger management classes.

All that’s left is community service, and Bieber will satisfy that requirement by working for MusiCares for 5-days doing things like painting walls and moving office furniture.

Thankfully MusiCares has requested that Bieber not teach music to anyone because that would be the real crime, eh?

So, everyone knows Katy Perry and Taylor Swift are feuding over ex-boyfriends and backup dancers because, well, high school. But now it appears that Katy’s new boyfriend — someone named Diplo and who is kind of hot — has jumped into the fray by attacking Swifty’s ass.

It all began when he Tweeted:  “Someone should make a kickstarter to get taylor swift a booty.”

And when his followers began to reTweet his Tweet and Tweet to his Tweet well, Diplo Tweeted all over the internet by reTweeting Tweeter’s Tweets … or something:

“@diplo I started a petition on http://whitehouse.gov to include it on the federal budget”

“@sierrafairytale @diplo Help Me In Supporting ‘Get Taylor Swift A Booty’ on #fundly”

But then someone began MeanTweeting Diplo: “@diplo someone should make you a kickstarter bc no one knows who the f–k you are”

And he Tweeted: “body shaming myself right now…are taylor swift fans called the swift boat veterans?”

Seriously? Is this what the music industry and so-called adults have become?

Now, I don’t like Taylor Swift and I don’t know if she has a flat ass because I too freaked out by her Blow-Up Doll face, but this Diplo—and I still think he’s hot—needs to let the girls bicker and fight.

He needs to take a seat … away from Twitter ... though he's kinda hot, for a douchebag.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Mariah’s getting wackier by the minute … and more so since her marriage bombed bigger than her latest album.

See, Mimi was being interviewed and was asked about other female singers and she said this about Nicki Minaj … “Who?” And this about Beyoncé’s Drunk in Love… “I haven’t heard it” and then she said this about little Mariah, er, Ariana Grande…  “I wish everybody all the best of luck and if this is the career path they choose, hope that they can achieve longevity.” 

But maybe Mariah’s on to something because Little Mariah, er, Ariana, is quickly getting the Diva Handle, what with her obsession with only allowing photographs of the left side of her face — I remember when Mimi did that — and her own hatred, or just  dislike, of Original Mariah.

While filming a TV special in mid-August, Ariana Grande was impossible to work with according to a source — perhaps Dina Lohan looking for a second income now that Lindsay’s across the pond and only making ‘;theater’ money — says: “She was a total nightmare. She demanded to be shot only on her left side and told the lighting crew that if they used red light, she would ‘kill herself’.”

Even producers at the venue were disgusted with Toddler Diva, saying she “is, hands down, the most difficult person they have ever had to work with.”

But never EVER compare Ariana to Mimi because then that little girl will go off. Ariana is fuming about what Mimi said of her in that interview and she cannot, will not hear Mariah’s name mentioned in her presence.

 And never, ever, on her left side! Or in a red light.

And speaking of Beyoncé … she’s done it again.

A few years back, when she was with Destiny’s Child, they released a Christmas album, and recorded their version of Silent Night on it. Well, Beyoncé  added a few words to the song, a few hip thrusts to the melody, and a couple of hair tosses on the high notes, so in the liner noted she actually gave herself credit for being one of the writers of Silent $%&#ing Night.

And now she’s shot some pics and co-written a poem about her favorite subject … Beyoncé … for CR Fashion Book. In her ode to herself, “Bey The Light” the poem is credited to Beyoncé with the words being “remixed” by poet Forrest Gander which means that basically, she took his poem, threw her name in it, and gave herself credit for it.

Now that’s sad and pathetic and egomaniacal and totally Beyoncé, but there’s a funny twist to the story.

The pictures that go along with the words seem to prove that Kanye really does hate Beyoncé because his BFF, Riccardo Tisci styled this shoot and in one photo Tisci actually covered up Bey’s face! He also had her wear stretch pants and do battle with a Mickey Mouse doll.

Kanye and Ricardo are tee-heeing themselves into a Giddy Boy Crazy Frenzy, I imagine.

Way back in April, Katherine Heigl  slapped NYC drugstore chain Duane Reade with a lawsuit after they tweeted a picture of her leaving one of their stores carrying one of their bags, because Heigl was pissed they’d use her “image” without her permission, or a check at the very least.

She demanded restitution to the tune of $6 million but now it’s been revealed that she and Duane Reade have reached a settlement and she’s dropped her suit, AKA the demand for cash.

Heigl’s people — her mother, actually — says both parties are keeping mum about the deal, but apparently Duane Reade is making a donation to the Jason Debus Heigl Foundation in exchange for making the lawsuit disappear.

While I like that some money went to charity and not to Heigl’s ciggie fund, I still would have liked to see that courtroom drama on TV: Highly Respected Actress Shamed By Photo of Her Carrying Duane Reade Bag!

It was sure to have been better than her craptastic new TV show … or so I’m told.

Kristen Stewart. I’ve missed her since she shined in both Twilight and as The Other Woman in Rupert Sanders’ Divorce. Thank god she’s back and talking because this stuff is precious. …

In a Vanity Fair interview, Stewart seems to suggest that she’s an incredible actress and not just a piece of driftwood that washed ashore on Malibu Beach in a teddy and a thong. And she actually blames any and all bad acting from her past — including the time she acted like she wasn’t the trick of a married director — on her costars.

RPats? Is this your fault?

She claims to go into “default” mode when working with someone less talented than she:

“Oh yeah. Absolutely. I’m not the type of actor who can perform without wearing a mirror on my face. Everyone knows that you’re better with other actors who are really present, who you are having the same experience with, but I am made or broken on it. If I’m working with someone who I’m not vibing with, or who I have to fake anything with, then it’s sad for me and it’s bad acting.”

So, she’s saying that every single film role she’s ever done, has been done opposite a bad actor? Cuz this bitch sucks in everything.

Britney Britney Britney. Love ain’t your thang, mama, because you’re single again now that former boyfriend David Lucado was caught with his hand on someone else’s Cheetos in a video!

Neither party had any comment on the breakup but Britney did lip-sync a little something while onstage “performing” in Las Vegas.

 “So I know you know my boyfriend cheated on me,” she told the crowd during her Piece of Me show in Las Vegas [on Sunday night], PEOPLE confirms. “But the best thing about being cheated on is I get to go on more first dates.”

And she ALLEGEDLY added: “I need a hot guy. Where are the hot guys here tonight?”

I think the hot guys are staying away from Cheetos singers.

We all know that Lady Gaga copies Madonna, but Madonna copies Cher and Cher copies, well, no one was really here before Cher so maybe Cher is the original?

Anyway. Gaga’s music sounds like Madonna’s music. Gaga looks like Madonna. Gaga dresses like Madonna and, except for the British accent, sounds as full of herself as Madonna.

And, over the years she’s thrown shade at Madge and Madge has doubled down subtly on Ga — I know her so well, it’s just Ga — but now she’s turned up the digs and has taken aim and the Little Monster Queen in a new song all about Gaga.

In a leaked track from her new album, Two Steps Behind Me — it already sounds like a Gaga dig — Madge calls Gaga a ‘copycat’:

‘You’re a copycat, Where is my royalty?

You’re a pretty girl, I’ll give you that.

But stealing my recipe, it’s an ugly look

Did you study me hard enough?

You’re never gonna be, you’re just a wannabe me.

Like a sister all messed-up, who’s gonna help you out?

In your fantasy, you can try it all. But you can’t be me.

You can walk the walk, even talk the talk. But you’ll always be two steps behind me.’

No word on if the song has made the cut, and no word on when Gaga will rip it off and sing it herself.

The Biebs is at it again.

A few weeks ago, he was caught driving on a sidewalk and endangering a disabled woman, and the last week he caused a traffic accident by slamming on his brakes in front of a paparazzo. But his latest case of offensive driving came this past Labor Day weekend when he was arrested — again … who does he think he is … Lohan? — in his hometown, Stratford, Ontario for dangerous driving and assault after ALLEGEDLY slamming his ATV into a minivan driven by a paparazzo.

Naturally, right after these two paparazzi crashes, he Tweeted about how he’s just like Princess Diana in how the photographers follow him, but I still, for the life of me, cannot find the footage of Diana ramming a photographer with her car.

Bieber could be in some serious sizzurp with this latest kerfuffle because he’s still on probation — for the next two years — for Egg Gate. This arrest could trigger a violation and more pictures of Justin crying in a holding cell.

That would almost be worth it. 

So Sherri Shepherd has apparently got the nastiest divorce going … which is no surprise because it was the nastiest marriage going for all of the ten minutes that it lasted.

Sherri used to coo on The View about her boo … how poetic. She was in love, y’all, and they were gonna have a baby via surrogate and life was good. Then the Fifteen Minutes of Marriage to Sherri Clock struck time and the whole shebang was off.

Except then soon-to-be-ex-husband Lamar Sally sued for custody of the as-yet unborn child and Sherri, the good Christian that she is, declared the baby wasn’t hers because they used a surrogate so Lamar could have ‘it’ but she wasn’t paying for ‘it.’

Now, though, it seems Sherri, fired from The View no matter how she spins it, and desperate to start a new career as a cashier at the Dollar General, has offered Lamar $100,000 and $3,000 a month for the baby she doesn’t want any more.

And he said, Uh huh, open up the bank vault because Daddy has a pickup.

Lovely, the way straight people can marry and divorce as though it means nothing, and then treat a child as a dollar sign, or act as if they don’t even want it.

So, the other night, over there to London town, GQ Magazine had their Men of the Year Awards during which they honored Kim Kardastrophe … wait, she’s a man? Well, that explains why Kanye’s so hot for her, or him.

Anyway, even though they had the biggest fame whore in town, the good folks at GQ wanted to hedge their bets and so their invited perennial starlet-drug-addict-criminal Lindsay Lohan to the party and she turned up like white trash in a Hefty bag.

With one request.

It seems that Lohan’s people—who we all know is Dina, sucking the last drops from a box of Franzia chardonnay before drifting off into an Ambien sleep—told the good folks at GQ that Lindsay would be delighted to attend their little soiree if only they would guarantee that there would be no other women at Lohan’s table.

That hooker works alone, y’all.

”Lohan’s people were clear that she wanted to be on a table during the lengthy awards surrounded by men. She gets on better with guys and had spent time putting together a sexy look [that’s it up there and, yeah, not so much sexy as Eva Gabor Grandma] so she wanted to be admired.”

If Lindsay really wanted to be admired she should have winged it over to Los Angeles and attended the LA County Jail Talent Show. She could ‘a been the star at that shindig.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Lots of Beyoncé today so let’s rip … most folks believe Beyoncé thrives on hatin' the Kardastrophes, though I personally thinks the amount of time that she spends thinking about them is equal to the amount of time she spends thinking about me … okay, maybe she thinks about me more.

But then this happened and, well, I guess if Beyoncé didn’t hate Kim Kardastrophe-West before, she might now. See, KashKowKardastrophe-West took time out from taking photos of her ass and her baby and her ass of a husband to appear on Jimmy Kimmel and throw some butt-sized shade at Beyoncé for not coming to her pre-divorce ceremony:

“The worst was someone canceling last minute.”

And folks are saying the dig was planned, not accidental, like everything in KKK-W’s life. From the stores to the ass to the family to the marriages to the divorces to the babies. Planned. But don’t plan on Beyoncé ever being nice to you; just keep stroking your hair and saying ‘Oh my god’ while your face doesn’t move.

We don’t get a lot of gossip from the news world, unless it’s Shepard Smith acting like an entitled gay douche in a bar; or NBC trying to lay the blame of their crumbling ratings at the size ten heels of Ann Curry. But now we have some newsroom gossip, and once again it’s about NBC and how they handle change, er, firing people.

We’ve been hearing rumblings for a while now that David Gregory was being pushed out of Meet the Press after six years due to, of course, sagging ratings and, well, he’s no Tim Russert — for whom Gregory took over when Russert passed away in 2008.

The new host will be… Chuck Todd … another old white guy in a news chair,        AKA the status quo. But the surprising details about Gregory’s ouster is that he was paid $4 million to leave — as opposed to, say, me, who usually gets a restraining order when being asked to leave a job — and he was forced to  sign a contract not to speak out against the network.

Wow. What might Gregory have said about NBC that caused them to pay off his salary plus a great bit extra and demand that he never ever say a bad word about the network?

Perhaps, like Curry, he might have complained that he was one of the last to know that he was leaving for good. See, NBC leaked the story about Todd coming aboard MTP before even talking with Gregory; like they did Ann Curry.

In fact, NBC is having Andrea Mitchell host this week’s show — which would have been Gregory’s last — denying him a chance to even talk about leaving, bid a fond farewell, pass the baton to Todd or, do what I might do, throw a can of gasoline on the set and burn the mother**ker down.

Let’s dish Lohan … Lindsay is back in London after partying on yachts during her European vacation from not having a job and is set to start rehearsals for Speed-the-Plow next week. So, in advance of what’s sure to be the hottest ticket in the West End for the hottest mess in the West End, Lohan gave one of her cracked-out interviews…

On why she moved to London: “I wasn’t used to for a long time hearing my name on the television every second, whenever I turned on the TV it was promoting the OWN show and it was just a lot and it was kind of overwhelming and everyone knew where I lived. I moved to New York to find peace and I wanted to do something very real and show people who I am and because it’s a reality show it had to be done a certain way, and things had to look a certain way for ratings. That wasn’t my intention of moving to New York. I again got overwhelmed with that and wanted to get away for a minute and I came to London.”

Funny, it wasn’t her intention of moving to New York to do a reality show but it was the exact reason she moved there. And that “to find peace” bit; on a reality show, filmed in New York, where everyone knows where you live? Still cray cray Lohan.

On taking responsibility: “I think a lot of people have a misconception of me due to situations I put myself in, things that have been made up about me or manifested and I got into this to be an actress and you know I like to create, to write, I eventually want to direct. I lost a lot of that credibility and I take responsibility for some of it but it’s also an industry where it’s celebrity based and I have been made out to be something like that and I don’t want to be known for that, that’s not why I did this.”

Um, I’m’a need my Google ‘Looney-Toons to English’ translator for this one. I mean, that wasn’t Lindsay at all the clubs? Lindsay at all the jails? Lindsay in all those courtrooms? Mugshots? That’s all Hollywood’s fault because, you know, they made her a drug addict and a thief and an alcoholic.

It’s the same old Lindsay; she’s an actress, y’all, and that’s all she ever wanted to be until the media got hold of her and turned her into a drug-taking-booze-slurping-car-crashing-bar-fighting-man-whoring moron.

Just sayin’.

So, last week we learned that Gwyneth Paltrow was boning one of the creators of Glee before she actually consciously uncoupled from baby daddy Chris Martin. And now I realize why that story got out … to take some shine away from the news that Mr. Gwyneth Paltrow is now dating Jennifer Lawrence.

Yup, he went from shagging a woman who “won” an Oscar because Harvey Weinstein bought it for her, to a woman who’s been nominated more times than Paltrow has children — and is a decade-and-a-half younger — and actually won an Oscar as Best Actress not Best supporting Actress.

Plus, can you picture Gwyneth’s face when she finds out Chris and JLaw took Peaches and Herb, er, Moses and Apple, to Chuck E. Cheese?

I wanna be there when that explosion happens.

Meanwhile … back at Beyoncé: Remember that video of Beyoncé’s incredibly folding stomach when she was pregnant? And remember how, way before that, one week she was on-stage singing in a taut glitter swimsuit and the next week she was wearing a caftan to the VMA’s and holding her stomach to announce she was pregnant? And remember how people said she was never really pregnant?

Well, a woman named Tina Seals has filed a maternity suit against the Carters claiming that she is the real mother of Blue Ivy.

Here goes … and take this with a grain of crazy … but Tina Seals is seeking “to verify whether she is the biological mother” of Blue Ivy by saying she was “previously associated” in some way with “Beyoncé Knowles and Jay Z Carter.”

It’s pretty rare for a woman to file a maternity lawsuit, but it may just prove that Bey-Jay are just giant liars. But there is another theory: perhaps Seals and Jay Z had an affair, she got pregnant, and then gave the baby up for adoption to the Carters, only now she wants the baby, or a bigger piece of the pie.

Still, while this could be just a hot mess of a lie and some poor crazy woman lost in her delusions, coming amidst all the talk of the JayBey split, this is interesting at least.

And speaking of the JayBey split … Us Weekly has now jumped on that bandwagon because, A] the story is true, or 2] the story sells a butt-load of magazines. 

See, Us is saying Beyoncé is already making moves toward a split, and a source, perhaps a pissed off Kardastrophe, says “she is done” after their remaining On The Run shows in Paris.

And while Beyoncé still posts Happy Family Time photos to Instagram the rumors aren’t dying and maybe she’s beginning to believe the rumors about Jay Z’s cheating that came to a head during The Elevator Smackdown.

Beyoncé is reportedly “insecure” about Jay’s “wandering eye” and has taken to removing from his sight, and hers, anyone who might be his “type”: you know, a woman.

On a side note, one of the side pieces often mentioned in the Jay Z Cheating Scandal is none other than Rihanna and, while watching the Fashion Police last week, during a segment they call “Bitch Stole My look” the competitors were none other than Beyoncé and Rihanna … in the same look. 

The only difference was, Rihanna wore the look last year and Beyoncé, who has a team of spacklers and painters and cinchers on speed dial wore the look this year, and styled it exactly like Rihanna, down to using the exact same jewelry, wore it last month.

Uh huh.

And back to Paltrow … Jerry Seinfeld made a mint off his TV show; so much so that he buys cars and Hampton’s manses like their PayLess shoes during a BoGo sale. But, maybe Seinfeld is running low on funds because his wife, Jessica, seems to have taken a job as Gwyneth Paltrow’s ass-kissing, promotional director.

I mean, how else can we explain why Jessica Seinfeld would post a picture of her BFF Gwyneth Paltrow to Instagram with the following caption?

“I have never met anyone with more true and loyal best friends than this baby girl. She is deeply and intensely loved by her friends. I hope each of you has someone in your life that is a wise and steady North Star like this one is to so many…Why not tag those people in your life who kill it in the friendship department? It’s Show Appreciation Sunday. (I made that up).”

Wow. Jerry and Jessica must really need the money if they’ve taken to being placed on Paltrow’s every-day-millionaire-mom payroll just to Instagram ass-kissing tributes.

Everyone knows Britney Spears doesn’t sing live; hell, she can’t sing, live or otherwise. But this story is especially high-larious because during a recent performance at her Vegas show, BritBrit was caught on camera lip-syncing to a song she recorded with Sia … only she was “singing” Sia’s parts … with Sia’s voice coming out over the sound system.

Um, Brit, if you’re gonna lip-sync, try doing it during the part of the song where you're ALLEGEDLY singing and not during someone else’s part.

M’kay?

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon have been married for six years. We know that because every year they marry one another all over again in some splashy way to remind us all that their marriage is perfect and …

Over? They didn’t marry each other again this year. In fact, they haven’t been seen in public together since February and now comes word that they have been “living separately” after she hired security to keep him away from other women when he was out doing his little comedy act.

Mimi, always posing on social media with her family has been unusually quiet of late; in fact she hasn’t featured Nick on any of her sites since June, when Nick moved in with his grandparents and they put their $13 million California home on the market.

Community property say what?

UPDATE: Yesterday Nick confirmed that he and Mimi are no-no together.

Mischa Barton is desperate for a job, but apparently the only job she’s qualified for is to be Lindsay Lohan.

Last March, Mischa was supposed to start production on a movie called Promoted, and well before the start date, the producers tried to contact her to let her know that shooting was going to begin and to set up a round of costume fittings.

:::crickets:::

Mischa never called back, and the day before shooting was supposed to start, Mischa's momage emailed the producers to tell them that Mischa was ill in Europe and wouldn’t be able to start working on the movie until the end of the month except …

Mischa began posting pictures to Twitter and Instagram of her partying in Europe and not being ill in Europe and now, because the producers unbelievably gave Barton a $20,000 advance and she faked being sick, they’re suing her for the money back along with $200,000 in marketing expenses and another $100,000 they lost when she dropped out.

Wow. She’s trying to Out-Lohan Lohan.

So, Charlie Sheen’s drug-addict ex-wife, the twenty-seven-time rehabber, Brooke Mueller is being sued by her former assistant Lior Masaphor, who worked for her from December 2012 until March, 2013. He claims was paid $2,400 per month, but that he worked over 130 hours a week — which works out to about $4 an hour — and was never given a break — even while she was in rehab, I presume — and is owed a bunch of cash money.

That isn’t the story; the story is the “illegal and unsavory activities” he claims to have performed for Brooke, such as Brooke forcing Lior to act as a drug mule, forcing him to transport illegal drugs for her, forcing him to watch her children so Brooke could get high, and forcing him to watch her have sex with just about anybody and everybody.

This has been another edition of Gay Folks Can’t Have Kids, But Drug Addicts and Whores Can Have All The Children They Want.

Meanwhile … back at Lohan.

On the eve of her first real job in years — whatever happened to that movie she was hired to make at the end of her reality show … poof — Lindsay decided to go out and party … quelle surprise … at 1Oak in Southampton.

The big surprise came when Lindsay tried to pay the $2500 tab and her credit cards were declined.

What? No job? No credit? No problem?

No problem because Lindsay had to beg her fiends to help with the bill, had to lift up cushions in the booths for change, and may have turned a trick or two in the loo to leave a tip.

ALLEGEDLY.