I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

I’m loving the new Fox show, Empire — some critics say it’s the best new show of the year though I won’t go that far — mainly because of Taraji P. Henson who plays Cookie, and plays her fiercely. The downside of Empire? That pile of smug, Terrence Howard, a misogynistic douchebag who has been accused of assaulting women at least six time … that we know about … because he’s kind of Bill Cosby Lite., you know.

Out to promote his show, Terrence wants you to know that he’s a good guy, who was only a douche because he was frustrated as a child because he didn’t know who he was, and that he stopped abusing women last year, after marrying for the fourth time:

“A lot of things that I got involved with in younger days, in the earlier days was the product of my environment. [It was] the product of not knowing how to deal with frustration, the product of not knowing who Terrence Howard is. Now I’m married with a new wife, with a brand new baby. I’ve grown so much from anything that’s happened in the past.”

Let’s dish: Howard’s record of ALLEGEDLY assaulting women dates back to 2000 when he was accused of grabbing and shoving a flight attendant during a flight — he was also accused of assault in 2001, 2005, 2011, and 2012 — and then runs right on through to 2013 when his ex-wife ALLEGED that he “knocked her down” and kicked her in the head.

Howard admitted to some of the assaults when questioned by the police, and has taken plea deals in some situations, and in others, the charges were dropped after being “settled in civil court” AKA payoff court.

So, it’s not really in the past is it? Nor is it anything to forget.

What’s this? Lindsay Lohan got a job? In America?

Lohan is currently shooting a commercial for the Allstate’s online brother, Esurance to air during the Super Bowl.

Seriously, Lohan, who’s been in more accidents than I have fingers, is doing a commercial for car insurance? I mean, how many people has she run over and how many cars has she ruined?

You can’t make this stuff up.

Okay, so it’s no secret that Bruce Jenner no longer looks like Bruce Jenner, Olympian, but looks more like, and I’ll say it, Brenda Jenner; but that’s his business and his life and his face and his Adam’s apple and hair and fingernail polish.

But InTouch Weekly stooped to new low recently by superimposing Bruce’s face onto Stephanie Beacham‘s body and adding full makeup in what most rational folks are seeing an attempt to “out” him as transgender. And, let’s remember that Bruce has never spoken about his new look, er looks, publicly so there is no actual factual truth to the story.

In any case, Bruce isn’t the one who’s angry about the story, no, that falls to That Woman, his ex-wife, because the world revolves around her. She is reportedly so incensed over the story that she has had a meltdown — though you cannot tell by her face which has seen more upgrades and injectibles than Bruce’s — and says she will no longer sell give stories to In Touch; oh, and she did not, oh no she did not, give them this story at all.

A source — and it’s Khloe because, well, what else does she have to do besides Instagram her newly thinned waistline all over town — says, “Kris has cut off contact with In Touch, Life & Style and all Bauer publications. They won’t get any ‘real’ quotes from the family, and will be banned from Kardashian-Jenner red carpets, events, premieres and fashion events.”

Until Kris has something to shill, like her ALLEGED upcoming Playboy spread.

Spread. Ew.

In keeping up with the Bruce Transformation Theme … it appears he might just be ready to talk about his new look, but only if it’s done on, wait for it, it’s so predictable, on the 10th season of Keeping Up With The Kardastrophes.

A source — Khloe … yawn — says:

“Bruce and Kris address his changing appearance in a scene they shot together. It will be a plotline.”

Um, if you call it a “plotline” are you finally admitting this is not a “reality” show?

Anyway, you can be sure this “conversation” will be drawn out for an entire season of Kardastrophe until Bruce says he changed his appearance because, well, he wanted to do it … to distance himself once and for all from those famewhores.

Now onto another Kardastrophe, Kanye West Kardastrophe.

He’s talking about the time he was racially profiled by the police … arrested and charged with stealing printers from an OfficeMax back in 2000 … because of his braids.

The story is back now because Kanye was deposed in the case filed against him by a photographer whom Kanye assaulted. In the deposition, Kayne admits to being convicted of a felony and says it was because he was “racially profiled for having a white T-shirt and braids.”

But Kanye gets loose when the details — admitting he was arrested — and doesn’t say where he was when the arrest came down; he does say, of course, that he was already a successful music producer. He also adds that the police doctored evidence to frame him, saying, “I was driving a white Ford Expedition. When I saw the police report, they crossed out where it said ‘Cream Ford Explorer.’”

Cream. White. Oy Kanye, that shrieks conspiracy.

Kanye believes he was convicted of a felony but says it was actually “a mistaken identity for stealing some printers from OfficeMax after I was a platinum producer.”

Maybe he was arrested because his music was so bad, too?

Maybe you never saw it, it was on TV for a hot minute, but LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian‘s reality show has been canceled.

I know! I mean, the couple created the show to dispel rumors about their marriage and how they got together, but apparently no one cared.

Or, everyone knows how they got together: they cheated on their spouses and then dumped the spouses and married one another until such time as one or the other cheats again and that marriage will end and they will each go on to star in another reality show that will be canceled because …

… no one cares about Eddie and LeAnn.

Meanwhile, back at Lohan …

You remember that Lindsay recently completed a not-so-horrific run in Speed-the-Plow in London’s West End and so she’s feeling like a ‘real’ actress again, especially since rumor has it that Oprah wants to capitalize on crazy again and get Lohan a job on Broadway.

My first thought was as an usher but does anyone think Lohan could find a seat in a theater? I mean, there are numbers and letters involved and counting and the alphabet are not her strong suits. But, an insider — possibly Oprah’s husband Gayle — says:

“Oprah bought the rights to several books that she wants to produce for the stage, and Lindsay is begging to be cast in one [but] if that doesn’t work out, she’s hoping Oprah can get her an audition for something like ‘Cabaret.’”

Can you imagine Lindsay Lohan on Broadway? I can’t, not since Giuliani ran the hookers off of 42nd Street!

At a Chris Brown concert you’re just as likely to see him grab his crotch and rap incoherently as get shot.

Truly. Five people were shot at his latest show in San Jose, and now it appears that the judge in charge of Chrissy’s probation isn’t feeling him performing any more. Plus, since Chris went to San Jose without consent of the court, Judge James Brandlin revoked his probation and ordered a further report and hearing on the singer’s status.

A district attorney’s spokesman says Brown specifically violated a provision that forbids him to leave Los Angeles County because he’s still on probation for RihannaGate and still has 200 hours of community service to complete; Two-hundred hours … even if he worked his community service hours off to the tune of fifteen hours a day, he’d barely complete them before his next court date.

Chris Brown is a complete asshat; I mean, he knew he couldn’t leave LA County without permission but feels like the law doesn’t apply to him. I hope the judge tosses his ass back in jail where, when he performs in Cellblock Idol no one will get shot.

In a bit of a Throwback, let’s talk Jason Priestly, known mostly for — okay, known only for — being on 90210 back in the day.

Priestly apparently wrote his memoirs last year because … I don’t know why … and while trying to scare up some interest in them, told a tale of how, while on Beverly Hills 90210, he was on his way to a PR event with Shannon “Crazy” Doherty in a town Car and claims that she bitched at the publicist for not sending a limo to pick her up.

Oooh drama. At least it must have been drama to Shannon — who also has nothing but time on her hands — because  she was just on the Sirius XM show “Just Jenny” — no, not McCarthy thank god — and says Priestly lied about the story because, get this, she hates limos, and he has brain damage … or something:

“I love Jason, but you know he had a car accident, a while ago, a racing accident, and I think maybe parts of his memory got altered from that. Because you know, I’ve addressed this before, everybody changes … they have their own perception of the truth. And his is definitely different than mine. Cause … supposedly I wanted a limo and I’ve always hated limos my entire life. … I just know that at some point, everybody just needs to sell a book, right?”

Lord, two has-beens fighting over a story about a car from 1990? It’s a slow week for gossip.

Taylor Swift is an angel and everyone’s mean to her. I mean, how dare Jake Gyllenhaal show up at a Golden Globes after-party when she was planning on being there, too? She was forced to grab her Gaggle of Besties and head off for the ladies room to bitch and kvetch and cry about her ex :::gasp::: dancing with other girls.

But, it turns out Little TayTay isn’t all Sugar and Spice and inane lyrics and victim of bad boy choices, because, according to Star — hey, sometimes they get it right —she became the Globes Bad Girl by pressuring her BFF, 18-year-old high school friend, Lorde to have a drink at the ball.

A source says Taylor was drinking a rum and coke, but decided to switch to wine and so she started “feeding her rum and coke to Lorde.” Tay Tay apparently told Lorde she didn’t have to drink if she didn’t want to, but kept saying “rum is so good!” and “you’ll feel pretty” and “boys will like you.”

Who knew Taylor was really Rizzo and not Sandy?

So, last week a photo appeared online of John Travolta creeping up on a guy at 3AM in an LA gym; it was creepy because, well, Travolta, gym, massage, ick, and because it’s one of the rare times Travolta’s been photographed without that muskrat on his head.

Now, though, the guy who was creeped up on — one Justin Jones, a married stepfather of two children — has given an interview to The National Enquirer about the incident:

 “I was completely aware of what was happening. He just walks right up to me and introduces himself – ‘Hi, I’m John.’ He asked what I do for a living, if I was married, if I have kids, and what do I do with my spare time. … I understood what was happening when it was happening – it was in his body language. It didn’t make me uncomfortable, but I noticed it.”

It would make me uncomfortable, unless I was in a HazMat suit with a spray bottle of bleach in my hand.

For his part, Travolta explained that he goes to the gym at 3AM to work out because … he … has … kids.

Um, okay?

I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Paris Hilton is still around, and apparently still buying tiny animals. See, back in September she paid some $13,000 for a Pomeranian puppy that will never weigh more than 2 pounds that she named Prince Hilton the Pom.

But he’s now at full-weight, so Paris needed a new tiny animal to carry around, not like a living thing, but like an accessory … a ring … a coke spoon … something, so she purchased two more dogs — one for her and one for her mom — for $25,000, and named her dog, Princess Paris Jr.

Ritzy name for a tiny dog that will probably be used as some kind of drug mule.

Note to Paris: I bet you could buy a nice dog for, oh say, $500 and then give $24,500 to charity? That thought ever cross your min — oh, never mind.

After The Sony Hack revealed the ugly truth about unequal pay for women in Hollywood, Charlize Theron decided enough was enough, and is insisting that she be paid the same as Chris Hemsworth in their upcoming movie, “The Huntsman” the sequel to Snow White and The Huntsman—which, I guess means Kristen Stewart, who played … and this makes me giggle … Snow White, won’t be back … halleloo!

Back to Charlize, who demanded the same ten million as Chris, saying she has a great track record. Um, okay, did anyone mention Aeon Flux or A Million Ways to Die in the West or Prometheus or Young Adult or Brandon Flowers: Crossfire or Astro Boy or The Road or The Burning Plain or Hancock or Sleepwalking or Battle in Seattle or North Country or Head in the Clouds or The Life and Death of Peter Sellers?

Great track record? Charlize, honey, who are you kidding. I’d pay ten million to see Chris Hemsworth walk across my living room in a fig leaf, but I wouldn’t pay ten bucks to see you ‘act.’

Just sayin’.

Oh goodness, that Kim Kardastrophe never fails to make everything about her.

Last week she and the Mad Man were finally together for a weekend in the Big Apple and celebrated John Legend’s birthday with him.

This picture is how Kim wished her friend a happy birthday: by placing her augmented boobs front and center and shoving the birthday boy to one side where he was almost cropped out.

Big ass, Big Head.

Swifty was at the Globes this week because, well, there are men there and she needs a new boyfriend and some material for new songs, so she wriggled into a gown and off she went.

And she hit the after-parties with new BFF Lorde. But one person she wasn’t counting on seeing … right, Taylor … was Golden Globe nominee and her ex-boyfriend, he of the classic Swifty tune, You’re No Jake, You’re A Rake Who Breaks My Heart, Jake Gyllenhaal.

And Swifty apparently had a meltdown because Jake was in the same room, and was dancing with Rita Ora and then with actress … I dunno who she is … Malin Akerman, then his sister, and then his co-star in Constellations on Broadway, Ruth Wilson.

This apparently sent Swifty into a spiral and an eyewitness — perhaps Lohan, drunk under a bar or something — said, “I saw her grab her friend’s hand and repeat, ‘We have to go. We have to go.’”

The source says Swifty scurried off to the bathroom, where she ran into BFFs Cara Delevingne, Dakota Johnson, and … oopsy … Rita Ora:

“The four girls were together and Taylor was having a mini meltdown. Cara’s arm was around Taylor, calming her down as Rita looked on. They were talking extremely closely.”

She left the bathroom and wandered around the lobby for a hot minute — her makeup smudged — before she and Cara sat on a bench out front.

Oh Swifty? Didn’t you date Jake about ten years ago? I mean, he might have seen you and wondered who you were and why they let an underage girl into the party.

But at least you’ll have something to write in your diary, and a new song to pop out like a bad case of diarrhea.

So, Kirstie Alley is thin again, y’all and has been making the rounds to promote Jenny Craig … again. She went on Howard Stern’s show and talked Jenny … and a lot of stuff jenny may not have wanted her to talk about.

:::cough Scientology ::: cough ::: Leah Remini :::: cough :::

She declared that she is now something called an OT Level VII Scientologist which means no one audits Kirstie, Kirstie audits herself; and also meaning she’s nearly as high-up as Top Tiny Scientologist Tom Cruise, who is at Level VIII. I think Level VII is the Certifiably Insane Level. ALLEGEDLY.

Kirstie also threw shade at old pal, and former Scientologist, Leah Remini. Remini famously left the COS in 2013 after filing a missing persons report for COS head honcho David Miscavige’s wife, Shelley. The report went nowhere because Miscavige was able to halt the investigation by the LAPD and Kirstie went after Leah, though she’s always denied that allegation:

“She left the religion and she was very critical. That’s just sort of water under the bridge. There’s nothing going on and there was nothing going on for years. I didn’t shun her, but if a lot of people are rejecting you, at some point you gotta ask, ‘What am I doing?’ I mean, that’s what I would have asked myself.”

She didn’t shun Leah but a lot of people did? Uh huh. And if a lot of people shun you does that mean you needed to be shunned, or does it mean that a cult wants to distance itself from a member who broke away.

I’d wait for Kristie’s response, but she’s having a sammich and one does not disturb Kirstie when she’s with a sammich.

So, does JLo have a new much younger boyfriend, or is she just dating her The Boy Next Door co-star Ryan Guzman until the movie comes out and bombs and then she’ll dump him?

I mean, she did bring him as her Plus One to the Globes and the two posed together on the carpet, and she introduced him to everybody. And he’d be perfect for her because he’s twenty-seven to her forty-five, so he’s still in Son of JLo age range.

But, is it just me or is something pinging about Guzman? I mean, JLo allegedly has a habit of going for The Gays.

Right, Casper?

Did y’all see Justin Bieber’s Calvin Klein ads where he’s trying to Marky Mark his way into our hearts?

Not working because, even though Marky Mark was kind of a dangerous, criminal type, Justin is more of an egg-tossing, drag-racing wannabe, so, yeah, there’s that.

There is also the fact that the ads were photoshopped to bulk up Bieber’s pecs and crotch, and even though the photos are out there, The Biebs and his team are in suing mode ore anyone who says the ad isn’t all Bieber.

In fact, Team Bieber sent a cease and desist letter to the website that first posted the ALLEGED un-retouched Calvin Klein photo, asking to have the photo removed. His people say the photo isn’t real and, darn it, the picture made Justin cry so y’all just stop it. Now.

On a sicker note, Team Bieber even had Bieber’s personal trainer, Patrick Nilsson, give a statement on how big the Bieber junk is:

“I can definitely confirm that he is a well-endowed guy.”

Wait. A guy is talking Bieber junk? Couldn’t they get a stripper to confirm it? Or Selena Gomez?

Just sayin’.

More trouble over there at The View and this time it isn’t about Whoopi and Rosie O trying to wrestle control over the show from the other.

This time word on the street is that Rosie Perez will soon be out. Or that she’s already gone because she was just sick of that whole toxic environment.

Perez hasn’t been on The View all month because she’s ALLEGEDLY been busy rehearsing the Broadway play Fish in the Dark; Rosie O has been saying that Perez will be out for the rest of the month but will be back next month, though sources — and it could be Lohan angling for a TV gig — say that isn’t going to happen. That source says Rosie P “never got a hang of the show’s mixture of hard and soft news” and she has trouble reading the TelePrompTer … ouch … though a spokeswhore for ABC — and that could be Barbara Walters — says:

 “Rosie Perez is currently in rehearsal for her Broadway play for the month of January. Her status with the show has not changed.”

There is also a rumor that ABC is gonna kill The View to add another hour to the far more popular, and less drama-filled, Good Morning America.

That I can see.

Let’s finish with more Biebs … During his vacation in Turks and Caicos, Justin Bieber ran into Rolling Stone Keith Richards. Justin, who figures himself rock royalty, wandered over to Keith’s table for a drink when, according to a source — possibly Selena Gomez hiding under the table to measure Justin’s, er, inseam, for a tabloid — says:

 “Justin tried to bro down with him.”

To which Richards ALLEGEDLY — though I believe it — said:

“Let’s get one thing straight. You’re a wannabe.”

Better than another group this week, a conservative political group that mistook Justin Bieber for Miley Cyrus.

That’s seriously happened.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Sad to report that Food Network Diva — and I don’t mean Bobby Flay, though he’d fit the title, too — Giada de Laurentiis and her husband of eleven years Todd have decided to end their marriage.

And fast; in Giada’s initial statement, she said she and Todd were separating, but a day later Todd dropped the D-word when he showed up at the courthouse bright and early to file divorce papers. Then Giada put away her Crock Pot and sped down to the courts, too, to file her own papers.

Doesn’t sound like it’s gonna be amicable …. Fingers crossed.

Giada and Todd’s marriage has weathered a lot of trouble, from their busy work schedules — though I don’t know what he does, but she cooks … a lot — and rumors of her being a big old cheater. Like the rumor that she banged perennial STD John Mayer, which no doubt might be a reason Todd raced to file papers; he had to get to the Free Clinic.

Rumor has it Giada met Mayer at a charity event hosted by that other serial cheater, Tiger Woods, in 2007, and then waited two years to get Mayer into the sack; or something.

An eyewitness tells of the time Giada and John “crossed paths” at the Boom Boom Room at The Standard hotel:

“Almost as soon as they saw each other, they left the room moments apart. Giada was leaning with her back against the wall, and John was right up against her. Giada was holding his hand and she just had a huge grin on her face. John had one hand on the small of her back. They looked like two people who were going to go home together.”

Well, they didn’t go home together — she has a husband and child at home — but they ALLEGEDLY went to another hotel together.

Another eyewitness ALLEGEDLY saw the two-some not long after at the Plunge Lounge atop the Hotel Gansevoort, where they were “extremely touchy-feely” before disappearing downstairs, where Mayer ALLEGEDLY ordered up ice buckets and towels at 1:30 AM. Giada left the hotel at 3 AM.

For her part, Giada says of Mayer:  “I’ve met him and he’s a great guy, but I just like his music.”

Likes his music? Now we know she’s lying. But this is no lie: the night before Giada announced her split, she was out drinking with her BFF Bobby Flay at Cecconi’s in Miami Beach, where they drank and laughed and giggled and looked like they didn’t have a care in the world; or like one of them wasn’t going to announce the end of a marriage a few hours later.

Now, Flay is married to actress Stephanie March but it’s long been rumored that he’ll bang just about anything … January Jones.

Just sayin’.

Found in the Bullshittery File: Just after Christmas, Kim Kardastrophe went to TMZ to talk about she wanted to get pregnant — figuring then Kanye would have to spend more than thirty minutes a month by her side — but that she couldn’t fly as much because her doctors want her to reduce the stress in her life if she wants to get pregnant again.

At first that just sounded like an excuse as to why she and her husband spend so little time together — apparently his doctor told him not to fly because then he’d have to visit his wife — and because Kim spent the fall jetting around the world pushing a fragrance or an outfit or her ass or that sex tape. And it also appears to be a full-blown lie because just this week Kim was at LAX leaving the country with Kanye, but without her baby.

Like I said, Bullshittery.

Okay we all know that Halle Berry’s husband, Olivier Martinez, loves to punch people. I mean, he beat up Halle’s ex-Baby Daddy Gabriel Aubry in 2012 if you remember, and assaulted a paparazzo at LAX in April 2013, and is now punching just about anyone.

One night while arriving at LAX, Halle was carrying baby Maceo in one arm and holding Nahla’s hand. Olivier walked ahead of them carrying the baby carrier, using it as some kind of shield to keep people away.

Well, one guy seemingly got too close and Olivier used the carrier to shove him back, causing the man to fall. The good news is that it wasn’t a paparazzo, but the bad news is that it was just an LAX employee and now Olivier is being investigated for battery.

Olivier might check into some anger management courses, because he’s rapidly becoming the French Kanye West.

High school girls and Frenemies for Life, Taylor Swift and Katy Perry are still feuding over ex-boyfriends and back-up dancers I guess.

Katy ALLEGEDLY tried to ‘sabotage’ Taylor’s last stadium tour, leading Taylor to ALLEGEDLY write ‘Bad Blood’ about Katy, which led to Katy calling Taylor a “Regina George in sheep’s clothing” on Twitter and on and on and yawn.

But Katy’s done with the stupid games, and plans on bringing out the big guns—and I don’t mean her augmented boobs. She plans to “get back” at Taylor during her performance on the Super Bowl halftime show by making it the best show ever!

Oooh, that’ll show TayTay.

A source — and it can’t be Lohan because she’s still “sick” on vacation — says:

“She wants to make a statement with her performance and show that she is the biggest female act in the world and she wants to show that to everyone including Taylor, who she has a feud with. In Katy’s eyes, no one can compete on her level. [She] will be doing something on stage during her performance that will be directed towards Taylor. She is working on it to be a visual or a lyric related jab.”

Maybe she’ll just ask the other cheerleaders to spell out We Hate Taylor while creating a giant pyramid.

Grow up girls, or else take it to the streets where this dog fight belongs.

Speaking of Swifty, she’s been boyfriend-less for a hot minute now and her well of Poor Me I Got Dumped songs must be running dry so she’s set her sights on another prize: Leonardo DiCaprio.

Now, while Leo is more content to bang models by the truck-load, Taylor seems to think that because she sang a song at the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show one time that makes her close enough to be a model, and just ripe for Leo’s, er, plucking.

After which, she’ll dump him and write a new song, for which I have a title suggestion:

♫ ♪ He Said He Was a Leo, But He Was Just A Liar ♪ ♫

I smell Grammy!

When is Bill Cosby just gonna take a seat?

While performing in London, Ontario recently — one of the few venues that haven’t canceled his appearance in lieu of the dozens of rape allegations against him — a woman got up from her front row seat and walked past the stage when she was asked by Cosby where she was going.

She said she was going to the lobby to grab a drink to which Cosby responded: "You have to be careful about drinking around me."

Cuz rape jokes are fun … apparently … because the audience clapped like trained seals. But later, when a man later yelled at Cosby that he was a rapist, the man was removed from the theater.

Rule to remember: only Bill Cosby can make jokes about Bill Cosby being a serial rapist.

I’m.Devastated.

Apparently the bloom is off the rose for "Bachelorette" stars Andi Dorfman and Josh Murray, who, through a representative, issued a statement saying they’ve called off their engagement.

What kind of world has this become where a woman can’t go on a TV show, meet 26 guys, date thirteen, make out with six, get down and dirty with three, declare her undying love for two, pick one, get married and live happily ever after?

Oh.The.Humanity.

Sidenote: that Josh Murray is kinda hot. If he needs someone to hold him while he grieves the loss of his TV relationship, I'm available.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

It looks like uber rich David Geffen is having boy drama again.

It seems that the 71-year-old Geffen’s 20-year-old ex-boyfriend — who was kicked off his college football team for making out with his wealthy daddy in the press box during a game … he initially told school officials Geffen was his grandfather but that didn’t explain the lip-lock — was arrested last October for violating the terms of a restraining order.

Jamie Kuntz is accused "of following, harassing and making a 'credible threat' against Geffen sometime between September and November, and he is now facing a felony stalking charge and a minor misdemeanor charge for allegedly disobeying a court order to stay away from his former lover.

I bet David Geffen wishes he could go back to the good old days when the only gossip about him was that he’d married Keanu Reeves.

Oh, and by the way, the only time 20 goes into 71 is when there’s a money exchange involved. Just sayin’.

Gosh, I loathe Gwyneth Paltrow. And the fact that she name-drops her own mother to her own soon-to-be-or-not husband makes me loathe her all the more.

It seems Goop was hanging out in the Hamptons with her consciously-uncoupled-towel-boy-slash-singer-slash-sometimes-husband at a spa, where said ex, AKA Chris Martin was paying for a one-hour massage.

Naturally, bored by her pedestrian husband, Gwyneth busied herself with texts and phone calls while he mopped the sweat from her forehead. But, when he asked to whom she was speaking — he’s English, that’s how they talk ... "to whom" — Goop said, and this is where I die:

“Blythe Danner“. Her.Mother.

I guess ‘Mom’ or ‘Mother’ is just too common for Paltrow. I also guess that on the other end of that phone call, Blythe Danner was mouthing the words: How did this bitch get my new number? to the help.

So many women — twenty eight at last count — have come forward with strikingly similar stories of being drugged and raped by Bill Cosby that most people believe he has a standard M.O. and is a sexual predator. So what does Cosby do? Well, he urged the “black” media to stay neutral, i.e. don’t ever mention it; he sat back while his wife sang his praises as a victim, and now this …

Cosby has hired an entire fleet of private investigators to dig up information on the women who are coming forward because, god forbid, if a woman who says Cosby drugged her and raped her and then sent her on her way, well, then she deserves to have the whole world know she has unpaid parking tickets, or didn’t clean her apartment before she moved, or drinks, or swears or had had multiple sex partners.

See, any woman who would do all that — and I mean twenty eight women who would do all that — would obviously also lie about being raped by the Jell-O pudding man.

Way to shame and blame the victims, Mr. Cosby, rather than stand up and fight. Or is that because they’re all telling the truth?

God Madge, please sit down. After several songs were leaked from her upcoming album, Madonna claimed she was the victim of a terrorist attack not unlike, I imagine, the families of those killed on 9/11’s terrorist attack, now she’s taken to comparing it to being raped.

Drama.Queen.

But, to me, what she’s most upset about is that, after the songs were leaked, she and her team decided to release six tracks for that upcoming album and every single one of them has bombed … not unlike a terrorist attack. The songs barely made an impact; in fact, there was a “nosedive” in sales after the first week, which saw her in lucky number 13. Now her single with Nicki Minaj, “Unapologetic Bitch” is down to #188, while “Living for Love” is #529.

In addition to all of that, one of the songs — “Two Steps Behind” — is allegedly about Lady Gaga whose own albums are still out-selling Madge’s Rebel Heart.

Poor Madge, being out-sold by her rival and Taylor Swift, a girl young enough to be her, well, almost granddaughter.

Back in September, Jeremy Renner is divorcing his wife of ten months — and mother of his daughter — Sonni Pacheco.

Didn’t know he was married? Probably because he kept it a secret until last September. But now it’s about to get ugly up in there, with all kinds of speculation that Jeremy married Sonni to help her stay in America, or that she was just the surrogate baby mama to Jeremy and his business partner boyfriend.

Sonni Pacheco is seeking the split over irreconcilable differences and … get this … she says he stole her passport, birth certificate and Social Security card. Pacheco says they have a prenup, but adds that it should be torn up because it was based on fraud.

No further detail about what she means by “fraud” but the last time I heard “fraud” used in a divorce proceeding was when Zellweger was seeking an annulment of her four month-long marriage to the long-rumored-to-be-gay, Kenny Chesney. Just sayin’.

Lindsay Lohan has been infected with the Chikungunya virus while on vacation in French Polynesia — give her a break, she worked steadily for about eight weeks this year so she deserves a little time off — but says she will not let it ruin her vacation.

In unrelated news ... giggle ... every single pharmacy in French Polynesia is completely out of pain meds.

Coinky-dink? I think not.

I love Christina Aguilera but, gurl, she’s a diva who can make Mimi look positively sweet.

A couple of weeks ago Christina went to Disneyland in Anaheim to celebrate her birthday with friends and family and she went off on The Mouse.

She was ALLEGEDLY quite rude to fans that approached her asking for a photo but then the tables turned when she couldn’t get a photo with Mickey Mouse. It seems the person behind the Mouse ears was leaving the area for his break when she asked for a picture and was told she would have to wait until he came back; she went all Reese-Witherspoon-Without-The-Vodka on him, asking Don’t you know who I am??

And then she called Mickey Mouse, the symbol of the happiest place on Earth, an asshole. Mickey had to be ushered to a safe zone before he went all Gangsta Rodent on the pop tart.

Okay, so we all know Justin Bieber wouldn’t know the truth if it egged his house, right?

I mean, he once said he’d bought a yacht when all he was really doing was hanging out on some rich family’s boat; he once took a photo of a Bugatti and said it was his car when, in fact, it actually belonged to Birdman.

Now, he says he bought himself a new plane for Christmas, and proudly Social-Media’d — Yes, it’s a verb — pictures all over; he captioned the picture: “New jet for Christmas, and she’s beautiful.”

Trouble is that the G4 on which he posed is for sale, but Bieber never bought it. It was just another lie, like the lie that he’s got talent for anything more than being a douche.