I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

This Mariah Carey-Nick Cannon split seems to have been in the works for weeks, even though Nick just confirmed it last week. The lawyers were already involved and the financial stuff figured out. But no one's heard from Mimi and apparently that's how she wants it done ... SILENCE!! ... even from Nick.

Mariah knew that Nick wouldn’t be able to keep his mouth shut, so she hit him with a confidentially agreement.  It seems Nick and Mariah's lawyers hashed out the agreement as part of their divorce and ... as most things are were in their marriage ... it’s completely one-sided.

Nick is barred from saying anything about the split and if he does then he will pay, financially. Yes, Mama Mimi will cut off any monies Nick might receive in the settlement if he opens his yap. And now he's zipped up tighter than Mariah in an evening gown on the way to Mickey D's for lunch.

Sidenote: post-split annoncement, Nick has taken to dressing like a 12-year-old boy, while Mariah has begun to look like Joan Collins, circa 1983 Dynasty.

Seriously, Mimi? You look like the Dowager Countess.

Chris Brown was hosting a pre-VMAs party at 1Oak club in LA last weekend when, as happens when brown is around, Suge Knight, founder of Def Row Records, was shot repeatedly at the bash. 

Oh, he’ll be fine, but Chrissy is taking this time to complain about the gunfire at the 1Oak Corral by Tweeting:

"It's disappointing that we as a society can't have fun or enjoy ourselves without any altercations sometimes. Miss me with the bullshit."

So, disappointing, because usually it's Chris Brown throwing punches at his girlfriend's face ... or Chris Brown throwing a chair out the window at GMA ... or Chris brown beating up a fan in Washington DC ... or Chris Brown starting a fight with Frank Ocean over a parking space ... or Chris Brown braking the windows of his Mama's car because he wasn't being released from anger management rehab.

How.Disappointing.Indeed.

About a week ago, news came out that Ed Bernero, the showrunner of "brilliant" actress Katherine Heigl's craptastic new TV show, State of Affairs, was leaving the show. And everyone involved with the series made sure to spread the word that his “exit doesn’t have anything to do with the show’s star.” 

Seems like overkill, no? Especially in light of this Heigl Tale ... Mike Walker, of the National Enquirer ... hey, they broke the John Edwards story ... says he has a source on the State of Affairs set and claims that Heigl made producers reshoot an entire scene because she didn’t like the way her ass looked. And ALLEGEDLY her co-star, Alfre Woodard, suggested that Heigl hire herself a butt double to make sure her ass always looks good on-camera.

I knew she was a pain in the ass, but I never knew her ass was such a pain to photograph.

It wasn’t that long ago that Jennifer Lopez called it quits with her most-recent boy-toy, and backup dancer, Casper Smart, because he was ALLEGEDLY banging a couple of transsexual models and JLo likes to be the only one her beau's are banging.

So, out with Casper and in with Maksim, another dancer ... sigh. 

But, recently, when JLo appeared on Chelsea Lately, Handler asked her about her dating future and JLo said this ... with a serious face:

“I like being in a relationship. I’m not one to like, whore around, and stuff like that—that’s not my thing.”

Like she wasn't whoring around with Ojani Noa, Diddy, Ben Affleck, Cris Judd, Marc Anthony, Casper Smart and Maksim Chmerkovskiy. Seven men in fourteen years ... so she basically whores around for two years at a stretch and then moves on.

Meanwhile, back at Mimi and Nick ... I've always thought Mariah was crazy, and growing crazier year by year. I mean, how else to explain her sense of, um, style, when she grows older but proceeds to dress more and more like a Bratz doll stuck in a Claire's store in real life?

Well, it seems as if Mimi's mental state is the reason behind her split with Nick, and not his ALLEGED cheating. Sources say Nick has made it clear to everyone that he's worried about Mariah’s emotional state and is ending the marriage for the well-being of their kids. He believes the environment around Mariah is toxic and fears for his children.

And the child support baggage they bring with them, I imagine.

Still, Nick believes his kids have already shown signs of emotional upset by living in Mimi's World'o'Crazy and he wants them raised in a more stable, less manic and sequined, environment. He also thinks her "people" don’t care about anything but her ability to make money and pay their salaries.

So, which is it? Nick cheating? Mariah crazy?

You know which side I fall on ...

Last Sunday’s VMAs were shockingly scandal free since there were no twenty-something girls backing their asses up on thirty-something men’s crotches and calling it “entertainment” so someone had to be daring and, well, it fell on Nicki Minaj to have an incident.

Or did she?

See, Nicki had a wardrobe malfunction during her song when she ran off stage to change clothes and then returned in a dress which appeared unzipped. She tried holding it together so that we could be spared a Janet Jackson moment, but was it real, or was it rehearsed?

Nicki says it was an accident, and yet, during the dress rehearsal, the exact same thing happened; she returned to the stage with the front of her dress opened and then rehearsed how to dance around holding it closed. I think the ‘dress rehearsal’ was to see how Nicki could work the stage in an accidentally” unzipped dress and not be totally nude.

Uh huh.

Remember how Lindsay Lohan filed that crack-y lawsuit against the makers of Grand Theft Auto because, she said, the character “Lacey Jonas”, a cracked out has been actress with family issues and drug problems was based on her?

Well, the makers of GFA want the lawsuit thrown out of court and they want Lohan fined for, well, being Lohan and wasting everyone’s time. Lohan had sued manufacturer Take-Two Interactive saying they used her image — of a washed up actress — for the cartoon character of Lacey Jonas without her permission.

Now, Take-Two says the only physical similarity between Lindsay and Lacey is that they’re both young blondes and adds:

“The portrayal of a Hollywood figure being chased by paparazzi, of course, is hardly unique to Ms. Lohan. She also alleges that Grand Theft Auto V features a hotel similar to the Hotel Chateau Marmont of West Hollywood, where she once resided. This allegation underscores the thinness of Ms. Lohan’s claims: GTAV is a parody of Los Angeles, so it is unsurprising that it features similar buildings.”

I’ve a feeling this lawsuit will be tossed out faster than Lohan being tossed out of 1Oak in New York last year, and tossed out faster than the suit she filed against rapper Pitbull, claiming he improperly used her arrest in song lyrics.

Seriously, Lindsay, if you need money, get a job.

GET.A.JOB.

And let's end with good news ...

A lot of folks may not like them — well, they may not like her — but I love them both and, after nine years and six kids, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have gotten married.

While those Hollywood people were fawning over the Emmys and the VMAs Brad and Angie tied the knot in Chateau Miraval France, last weekend. It was a private affair, family and friends, and as Angelina has always said, their kids were a part of the couple’s big day. Angelina walked down the aisle with her eldest sons Maddox and Pax, while Zahara and Vivienne threw petals, and Shiloh and Knox served as ring bearers.

In advance of the nondenominational civil ceremony, Brad and Angelina obtained a marriage license from a local California judge who also conducted the ceremony in France.

Congratulations to the happy couple and the whole family.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ....

Lots of Beyoncé today so let’s rip … most folks believe Beyoncé thrives on hatin' the Kardastrophes, though I personally thinks the amount of time that she spends thinking about them is equal to the amount of time she spends thinking about me … okay, maybe she thinks about me more.

But then this happened and, well, I guess if Beyoncé didn’t hate Kim Kardastrophe-West before, she might now. See, KashKowKardastrophe-West took time out from taking photos of her ass and her baby and her ass of a husband to appear on Jimmy Kimmel and throw some butt-sized shade at Beyoncé for not coming to her pre-divorce ceremony:

“The worst was someone canceling last minute.”

And folks are saying the dig was planned, not accidental, like everything in KKK-W’s life. From the stores to the ass to the family to the marriages to the divorces to the babies. Planned. But don’t plan on Beyoncé ever being nice to you; just keep stroking your hair and saying ‘Oh my god’ while your face doesn’t move.

We don’t get a lot of gossip from the news world, unless it’s Shepard Smith acting like an entitled gay douche in a bar; or NBC trying to lay the blame of their crumbling ratings at the size ten heels of Ann Curry. But now we have some newsroom gossip, and once again it’s about NBC and how they handle change, er, firing people.

We’ve been hearing rumblings for a while now that David Gregory was being pushed out of Meet the Press after six years due to, of course, sagging ratings and, well, he’s no Tim Russert — for whom Gregory took over when Russert passed away in 2008.

The new host will be… Chuck Todd … another old white guy in a news chair,        AKA the status quo. But the surprising details about Gregory’s ouster is that he was paid $4 million to leave — as opposed to, say, me, who usually gets a restraining order when being asked to leave a job — and he was forced to  sign a contract not to speak out against the network.

Wow. What might Gregory have said about NBC that caused them to pay off his salary plus a great bit extra and demand that he never ever say a bad word about the network?

Perhaps, like Curry, he might have complained that he was one of the last to know that he was leaving for good. See, NBC leaked the story about Todd coming aboard MTP before even talking with Gregory; like they did Ann Curry.

In fact, NBC is having Andrea Mitchell host this week’s show — which would have been Gregory’s last — denying him a chance to even talk about leaving, bid a fond farewell, pass the baton to Todd or, do what I might do, throw a can of gasoline on the set and burn the mother**ker down.

Let’s dish Lohan … Lindsay is back in London after partying on yachts during her European vacation from not having a job and is set to start rehearsals for Speed-the-Plow next week. So, in advance of what’s sure to be the hottest ticket in the West End for the hottest mess in the West End, Lohan gave one of her cracked-out interviews…

On why she moved to London: “I wasn’t used to for a long time hearing my name on the television every second, whenever I turned on the TV it was promoting the OWN show and it was just a lot and it was kind of overwhelming and everyone knew where I lived. I moved to New York to find peace and I wanted to do something very real and show people who I am and because it’s a reality show it had to be done a certain way, and things had to look a certain way for ratings. That wasn’t my intention of moving to New York. I again got overwhelmed with that and wanted to get away for a minute and I came to London.”

Funny, it wasn’t her intention of moving to New York to do a reality show but it was the exact reason she moved there. And that “to find peace” bit; on a reality show, filmed in New York, where everyone knows where you live? Still cray cray Lohan.

On taking responsibility: “I think a lot of people have a misconception of me due to situations I put myself in, things that have been made up about me or manifested and I got into this to be an actress and you know I like to create, to write, I eventually want to direct. I lost a lot of that credibility and I take responsibility for some of it but it’s also an industry where it’s celebrity based and I have been made out to be something like that and I don’t want to be known for that, that’s not why I did this.”

Um, I’m’a need my Google ‘Looney-Toons to English’ translator for this one. I mean, that wasn’t Lindsay at all the clubs? Lindsay at all the jails? Lindsay in all those courtrooms? Mugshots? That’s all Hollywood’s fault because, you know, they made her a drug addict and a thief and an alcoholic.

It’s the same old Lindsay; she’s an actress, y’all, and that’s all she ever wanted to be until the media got hold of her and turned her into a drug-taking-booze-slurping-car-crashing-bar-fighting-man-whoring moron.

Just sayin’.

So, last week we learned that Gwyneth Paltrow was boning one of the creators of Glee before she actually consciously uncoupled from baby daddy Chris Martin. And now I realize why that story got out … to take some shine away from the news that Mr. Gwyneth Paltrow is now dating Jennifer Lawrence.

Yup, he went from shagging a woman who “won” an Oscar because Harvey Weinstein bought it for her, to a woman who’s been nominated more times than Paltrow has children — and is a decade-and-a-half younger — and actually won an Oscar as Best Actress not Best supporting Actress.

Plus, can you picture Gwyneth’s face when she finds out Chris and JLaw took Peaches and Herb, er, Moses and Apple, to Chuck E. Cheese?

I wanna be there when that explosion happens.

Meanwhile … back at Beyoncé: Remember that video of Beyoncé’s incredibly folding stomach when she was pregnant? And remember how, way before that, one week she was on-stage singing in a taut glitter swimsuit and the next week she was wearing a caftan to the VMA’s and holding her stomach to announce she was pregnant? And remember how people said she was never really pregnant?

Well, a woman named Tina Seals has filed a maternity suit against the Carters claiming that she is the real mother of Blue Ivy.

Here goes … and take this with a grain of crazy … but Tina Seals is seeking “to verify whether she is the biological mother” of Blue Ivy by saying she was “previously associated” in some way with “Beyoncé Knowles and Jay Z Carter.”

It’s pretty rare for a woman to file a maternity lawsuit, but it may just prove that Bey-Jay are just giant liars. But there is another theory: perhaps Seals and Jay Z had an affair, she got pregnant, and then gave the baby up for adoption to the Carters, only now she wants the baby, or a bigger piece of the pie.

Still, while this could be just a hot mess of a lie and some poor crazy woman lost in her delusions, coming amidst all the talk of the JayBey split, this is interesting at least.

And speaking of the JayBey split … Us Weekly has now jumped on that bandwagon because, A] the story is true, or 2] the story sells a butt-load of magazines. 

See, Us is saying Beyoncé is already making moves toward a split, and a source, perhaps a pissed off Kardastrophe, says “she is done” after their remaining On The Run shows in Paris.

And while Beyoncé still posts Happy Family Time photos to Instagram the rumors aren’t dying and maybe she’s beginning to believe the rumors about Jay Z’s cheating that came to a head during The Elevator Smackdown.

Beyoncé is reportedly “insecure” about Jay’s “wandering eye” and has taken to removing from his sight, and hers, anyone who might be his “type”: you know, a woman.

On a side note, one of the side pieces often mentioned in the Jay Z Cheating Scandal is none other than Rihanna and, while watching the Fashion Police last week, during a segment they call “Bitch Stole My look” the competitors were none other than Beyoncé and Rihanna … in the same look. 

The only difference was, Rihanna wore the look last year and Beyoncé, who has a team of spacklers and painters and cinchers on speed dial wore the look this year, and styled it exactly like Rihanna, down to using the exact same jewelry, wore it last month.

Uh huh.

And back to Paltrow … Jerry Seinfeld made a mint off his TV show; so much so that he buys cars and Hampton’s manses like their PayLess shoes during a BoGo sale. But, maybe Seinfeld is running low on funds because his wife, Jessica, seems to have taken a job as Gwyneth Paltrow’s ass-kissing, promotional director.

I mean, how else can we explain why Jessica Seinfeld would post a picture of her BFF Gwyneth Paltrow to Instagram with the following caption?

“I have never met anyone with more true and loyal best friends than this baby girl. She is deeply and intensely loved by her friends. I hope each of you has someone in your life that is a wise and steady North Star like this one is to so many…Why not tag those people in your life who kill it in the friendship department? It’s Show Appreciation Sunday. (I made that up).”

Wow. Jerry and Jessica must really need the money if they’ve taken to being placed on Paltrow’s every-day-millionaire-mom payroll just to Instagram ass-kissing tributes.

Everyone knows Britney Spears doesn’t sing live; hell, she can’t sing, live or otherwise. But this story is especially high-larious because during a recent performance at her Vegas show, BritBrit was caught on camera lip-syncing to a song she recorded with Sia … only she was “singing” Sia’s parts … with Sia’s voice coming out over the sound system.

Um, Brit, if you’re gonna lip-sync, try doing it during the part of the song where you're ALLEGEDLY singing and not during someone else’s part.

M’kay?

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon have been married for six years. We know that because every year they marry one another all over again in some splashy way to remind us all that their marriage is perfect and …

Over? They didn’t marry each other again this year. In fact, they haven’t been seen in public together since February and now comes word that they have been “living separately” after she hired security to keep him away from other women when he was out doing his little comedy act.

Mimi, always posing on social media with her family has been unusually quiet of late; in fact she hasn’t featured Nick on any of her sites since June, when Nick moved in with his grandparents and they put their $13 million California home on the market.

Community property say what?

UPDATE: Yesterday Nick confirmed that he and Mimi are no-no together.

Mischa Barton is desperate for a job, but apparently the only job she’s qualified for is to be Lindsay Lohan.

Last March, Mischa was supposed to start production on a movie called Promoted, and well before the start date, the producers tried to contact her to let her know that shooting was going to begin and to set up a round of costume fittings.

:::crickets:::

Mischa never called back, and the day before shooting was supposed to start, Mischa's momage emailed the producers to tell them that Mischa was ill in Europe and wouldn’t be able to start working on the movie until the end of the month except …

Mischa began posting pictures to Twitter and Instagram of her partying in Europe and not being ill in Europe and now, because the producers unbelievably gave Barton a $20,000 advance and she faked being sick, they’re suing her for the money back along with $200,000 in marketing expenses and another $100,000 they lost when she dropped out.

Wow. She’s trying to Out-Lohan Lohan.

So, Charlie Sheen’s drug-addict ex-wife, the twenty-seven-time rehabber, Brooke Mueller is being sued by her former assistant Lior Masaphor, who worked for her from December 2012 until March, 2013. He claims was paid $2,400 per month, but that he worked over 130 hours a week — which works out to about $4 an hour — and was never given a break — even while she was in rehab, I presume — and is owed a bunch of cash money.

That isn’t the story; the story is the “illegal and unsavory activities” he claims to have performed for Brooke, such as Brooke forcing Lior to act as a drug mule, forcing him to transport illegal drugs for her, forcing him to watch her children so Brooke could get high, and forcing him to watch her have sex with just about anybody and everybody.

This has been another edition of Gay Folks Can’t Have Kids, But Drug Addicts and Whores Can Have All The Children They Want.

Meanwhile … back at Lohan.

On the eve of her first real job in years — whatever happened to that movie she was hired to make at the end of her reality show … poof — Lindsay decided to go out and party … quelle surprise … at 1Oak in Southampton.

The big surprise came when Lindsay tried to pay the $2500 tab and her credit cards were declined.

What? No job? No credit? No problem?

No problem because Lindsay had to beg her fiends to help with the bill, had to lift up cushions in the booths for change, and may have turned a trick or two in the loo to leave a tip.

ALLEGEDLY.