I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

Okay, so you’ve all heard about the Sony Email Hack? If not, here’s the tale:

Sony Pictures made a movie called The Interview starring James Franco and Seth Rogan as a couple of moronic — typecasting much? — reporters who are co-opted by the US government into traveling to North Korea and killing Kim Jong Un.

Assassination as comedy! Funny stuff. Well, North Korea didn’t think so — imagine how we’d feel if North Korea made a movie about assassinating our President … yeah — and called it an act of war, and then suddenly, Sony Picture’s emails were hacked and shown to the world; side note: North Korea denies any involvement in the hack.

Some of the emails bash Angelina; Leo, too. Channing Tatum comes off as kind of a dim-bulb. Scott Rudin is a jerk. That’s about it … or so we thought. The hackers, who call themselves the Guardians of Peace, released a statement saying they’re responsible for the hack and that there might be some kind of terroristic attack if The Interview opens as scheduled on Christmas Day; Homeland Security says the threat isn’t credible, and neither is The Interview.

So, did the hackers threaten us with an act of terrorism, or is the real act of terrorism another James Franco and Seth Rogan hot mess? You know where I stand …

Jon Hamm recently confessed that the reason you’ll never see him play a superhero like Superman or Batman or Birdman is because at 43-years-old he’s too old for that mess, He admits to being offered some superhero roles, but didn’t take them because he’s nearing the age where his superhero’s weakness will be Erectile Dysfunction and Clogged Arteries:

“The deals that they make you do are so draconian. And, of course, you are signed on for not only the movie that you are signed on for … but at least two more that you haven’t read and you have no idea what they are going to be and all the crossover ones you are going to have to do. For me to sign on now to do a superhero movie would mean I would be working until I am 50 as that particular superhero.”

But, BUT, if he took on a superhero role, might he play the Hammaconda? I’d wait in line to see that superpower!

Back to The Sony Hack, and more Diva behavior exposed. Oh, no, not from Mariah or Ariana or Nicki or Beyoncé, but from that other diva, Alex Trebek.

A recently released email shows that Trebek refused to give in to the demands of a stage mom, and told Sony he would end his 30-year run as “Jeopardy” host if they had a problem with it and it went down like this: 

During a taping of “Jeopardy! Kids” one contestant ran offstage in tears when she was eliminated. Well, her mother — and no, even though it sounds like her, it wasn’t Dina Lohan — was furious that La Trebek didn’t bother to help the girl, talk to the girl, try to calm her down, even though she eventually stopped sobbing and returned to the set to watch another episode as an audience member. But Dina, er, her mother wasn’t going to let Trebek off the hook, and complained about him in a letter to producers:

“If he had taken the time, he would have known, like you do, that my daughter is not a sore loser, and does not become emotional solely over losing a game. … She was upset about not being able to completely play the game to the end [and] I don’t think I’ll ever forgive him for that.”

Producers responded by saying “Alex’s intentions were good” and that they would ask him to re-tape the segment to appease the spoiled brat of a mother, but … Trebek wasn’t having it and sent his own email to Sony:

“If you all think I should retape the opening, I will, but I want to say that for 30 years I’ve defended our show against attacks inside and out. But it doesn’t seem to operate both ways. When I’m vilified, corporate (and certainly legal) always seems to say ‘don’t say anything and it’ll blow over,’ and I’m not feeling support from the producers, and that disappoints the s—t out of me.  If I’m making mistakes and saying things you don’t like, maybe it’s time for me to move on. It’s not a threat, but I want to let you know how I’m feeling.”

The show was not retaped. Alex is still a diva, the child is fine, her mother, however, is seeing a shrink three times a week. I’m guessing.

I know Kim Kardastrophe is the most vain human being on the planet. I mean, who is thrilled beyond belief to have their ass on the front cover of a magazine? Kim Kardastrophe. So, it’s no surprise that she posted a photo on Instagram where you can clearly see a little sliver of NorthSouthEastWest.

That’s right! The Kash Kow cropped her own child out of a photo. But her explanation for doing so is the best part, as she Tweeted her explanation:

"Her eyes were closed and I was feeling my look! Can I live?!?!"

So, the baby was too tired to stay awake, but Mama was too involved in her own ‘look’ to put her down for a nap before snapping a selfie? 

That’s our Kardastrophe. Mother of the Year! Joan Crawford Edition.

Onto another Diva, Beyoncé. She recently released a retrospective video for the new re-release of her self-titled album and in it she talks about the woes of being famous and how as a celebrity no one views you as a human.

Hold up while I get a tissue. How hard it must be for her to be a multi-millionaire and a media whore — seriously, she uses the media like most folks use toilet paper — and how no one sees her as human because most humans don’t release videos of themselves whining about the hardships of their pampered life.

She also claims that no one knows who she is, not even herself, and talks about her mom, her craft, her weave, her clothes her jewels … My.Heart.Bleeds.

Someone needs to step off the pedestal.

Meanwhile back at Kim Kardastrophe and her recent revelations on what it was like to date Kanye West … before they married and began spending all their time apart. Kim shared their secrets to a healthy and happy relationship, saying it all started when they were dating:

“When we first started dating it was rude if we brought our phones with us out, so I learned from him not to bring my phone.”

But, Kim, gasp, how will you know if you’re trending if you don’t have your phone? How will you be able to chronicle the minutiae that is your life if you can InstaTweetBook?

“We have rules at the table. If we are eating at a restaurant, we’ll wait to do it (take pictures) when we are done eating.”

Wait. So, you’re having dinner with your boyfriend, turned husband, turned disappearing father, turned soon-to-be-ex and you can’t take pictures? Her head really is as big as her ass.

So, Lindsay Lohan is done with Speed-the-Plow but has decided to stay in London permanently, and that sound you hear is America breathing a sigh of relief.

In an interview with The Guardian Lohan talks about how she desperately wants to do another play and how she’s never, ever moving back to LA — and that sound you hera is LA breathing a sigh of relief:

 “In LA I didn’t know what to do apart from go out every night. That’s when my friends were free. And I would go out and there would be all these cameras there and that’s when it became difficult.”

It’s always the cameras fault that she got high and drove drunk and kidnapped people and stole jewelry, right? But, as I said, the good news is that she’s planning to make London her permanent home and do more plays because she’s an “actor” y’all, who spoke of the kind of work she wants to do over there:

“I would like to do a period piece at least. I enjoyed having a British accent when I did Parent Trap so I guess I am halfway there.”

Wait, am I the only who thinks when Lindsay says period piece she’s thinking menstruation in a corset? And, wait for it, she thinks that because at age nine she did a British accent so she’s halfway to being British.

I see Lohan stuffed inside a FedEx box being returned to America any day now because England didn’t order her and she doesn’t fit. But, I’m sorry, London, she’s yours now, and there is an upside: Lindsay doesn’t drive in London so the streets are that much safer.

More Sony fall-out? Okay … well, Aaron Sorkin has been all over the Sony Hack stories. There are lots of emails about Sorkin, like one from Amy Pascal telling people that he’s broke and dating some coworker, so he decided to write an NYT op-ed piece called “The Sony Hack and the Yellow Press” where he blames anyone and everyone for releasing and reading and talking about those private emails.

Well, he only feels that way because of what he says in his leaked emails, like the ones to Maureen Dowd — the NYT columnist and his ex-girlfriend — about the state of sexism in Hollywood and the lack of good roles for women.

Interesting topic, but what is most interesting are his own views on the subject. In an email that Sorkin sent to Dowd, he talks of Hollywood’s women problem, and of a Dowd NYT about Cate Blanchett’s Oscar speech where she took Hollywood to task for its treatment of women. In her column, Dowd quotes Sony bigwig Amy Pascal, who discusses the “paltry” amount women in Hollywood make versus men, and how female directors face a “mountain of rejection” and “the whole system is geared for them to fail.”

Sorkin liked the column, but said that he believed that “the degree of difficulty” in Blanchet’s performance in Blue Jasmine was “nothing close to the degree of difficulty” to any of the nominated male lead performances that year.

Yes, men work harder than women. But he goes on:

“That’s why year in and year out, the guy who wins the Oscar for Best Actor has a much higher bar to clear than the woman who wins Best Actress. Cate gave a terrific performance in Blue Jasmine but nothing close to the degree of difficulty for any of the five Best Actor nominees. … Phil Hoffman had to transform himself into Truman Capote while Julia Roberts won for being brassy in Erin Brockovich.”

I am imagining that Sorkin might have trouble lining up any actresses for his next project since they don’t work as hard, aren’t as talented, and should never make the same money as men.

The Sony Hack … it keeps on giving.

I Ain't One To Gossip But ...

At a recent concert in Sydney, Kanye Kardastrophe, nee West, called out a pair of fans for not standing up while he was pontificating. Trouble was, one fan had a prosthetic limb, and the other was in a wheelchair.

Uh huh. Kanye — who once sang, er, spoke, “They tryna put me on the schoolbus with the space for the wheelchair” — stopped his show cold after discovering that some audience members weren’t standing up to honor him for all that he is, or at least all that his Krazy Brain thinks he is.

Stopping the show, he ALLEGEDLY said, “I can’t do this song. I can’t do this show until everybody stand up… Unless you got a handicap pass and you get special parking and shit. Imma see you if you ain’t standing up, believe me, I’m very good at that.”

And from there it got worse; most of his fans got up — because they’re sheep — but Kanye soon noticed two fans who stayed seated and he refused to continue the show until they stood up and danced like everyone else.

One of the fans took off her prosthetic leg — shades of RHoNY for all you RHoNY-ites — and proved she did have a “handicap pass” and Kanye said, oh so gallantly, “Okay, you fine.”

English is not his official language. But then KrayKrayKanye stared at the other fan, still seated … oh the nerve … and said, “This is the longest I’ve had to wait to do a song, it’s unbelievable.”

People in the audience tried to tell the megalomaniac that he was talking to a fan in a wheelchair — even miming wheelchair signs with their arms — but Kanye wasn’t to be placated. He actually sent a bodyguard into the crowd to confirm that the seated fan was, in fact, in a wheelchair.

Then he said, “He is in a wheelchair? It’s fine!”

Bless you, Motherf%er.

And, of course, after the story went viral, he sent his Flying Monkey, AKA Missus Kanye Kardastrophe, out to do damage control. She chimed in like this on WheelChairGate:

“What an amazing Australian tour! Its [sic] frustrating that something so awesome could be clouded by lies in the media. Kanye never asked anyone in a wheel chair to stand up & the audience videos show that. He asked for everyone to stand up & dance UNLESS they were in a wheel chair. #JustWantedEveryoneToHaveAFunNight #TheMediaTwistsThings”

Funny, though, that’s not what the audience says, Kimmy.

Still, she is kinda right, he never asked “anyone in a wheelchair to stand up” but he did stop his show until everyone stood up, and continued to stop the show until he was made aware of a girl with prosthetic limbs and a man in a wheelchair.

Kim and Kanye are both so ridiculously self-involved, and self-important that they would never consider the idea that perhaps he shouldn’t have stopped the entire show because of a couple people didn’t stand for him.

Maybe they, like most rational folks didn’t stand for him because they actually can’t stand him.

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is a big star, with the big arms and the big legs and the big chests and the big head to go with it.

For years he has wanted to play a villain in a James Bond film because his grandfather, Peter Maivia, did it in 1967’s You Only Live Twice, but it never happened for The Rock. Until now … and then it was gone. I mean, he had the job; he’d be in a Bond film; he’d be the bad guy. So what happened? The Rock’s big headed demand for a big payday.

An industry insider — insider, so you know it isn’t Lohan — says, “Dwayne asked for more money than Daniel Craig gets to play Bond!”

Yup, the guy who wanted to play a secondary character in a Bond film wanted more money than the guy that plays Bond. It just proves that even though The Rock has a big head, and bigger ego, he has a very tiny brain.

Okay, so a few years back Hugh Grant got a ladyfriend pregnant. The lady was Tinglan Hong, and the couple had some sort of friends-with-benefits-casual-dating thing going on until the knock-up happened. Grant bought the Baby Mama a nice mansion in which to live and raise his mistake, er, child, a daughter named Tabitha Grant. And then, seven months later Grant apparently accidentally knocked up his “friend” again! And she subsequently gave birth to a son, Felix Chang Hong Grant.

Now, in the midst of knocking up his casual date twice Grant impregnated a Swedish woman named Anna Eberstei, who gave birth to a boy whose name we do not know — perhaps she wasn’t as close a friend as Tinglan?

But Hugh once again purchased a home for Anna, another mansion apartment close to his mansion, but not too close to his other Baby Mama’s manse, if you get my meaning.

Yup, casual dating lead to Hugh Grant becoming a father at the age of 54 three times in just fifteen months!

Straight people. But, think of it this way, go on a date with Hugh Grant, get knocked up, and you get a mansion.

And you get a mansion! And you get a mansion!

God, I love, and fear, Martha Stewart. She is not playing with anyone. You hear that Goop?

Apparently, Martha Stewart sat down for an interview with Net-a-Porter’s Porter Magazine and some of her more delicious, home-cooked quotes have leaked online, the best ones about a certain sex-crazed, recently uncoupled “star” who wants to dethrone Queen Martha.

Yup, here’s what Martha Stewart said about Gwyneth Paltrow:

“She just needs to be quiet. She’s a movie star. If she were confident in her acting, she wouldn’t be trying to be Martha Stewart.”

Oh for the love of the Baby Jeebus, where to begin? With Gwynnie being told to zip it? Yeah, that’s good. But the snark about ‘if’ she were confident in her acting. Suh-nap!

Lindsay Lohan is at it again, y’all.

No, not getting arrested. No, not back in rehab. No, not drunk in a nightclub … okay, maybe that last one is true, but what Lindsay is really up to again is telling more of her cracked out lies and this one’s a doozy.

Remember when Lohan violated her probation in 2011 by driving drunk again, and she was sentenced to four months of community service at the L.A. County Morgue? Well, she was sent to work in the morgue, because the judge wanted her to see the place she’d send people if she kept drunk driving. Sounds like a good idea, and would probably work for most people, but since the corpses didn’t speak, or talk back, Lindsay felt like she was the queen bee on a film set somewhere.

Now, though, while talking to The Telegraph about that play in London she’s going to ruin next month, there was some mention of her morgue duties and Lohan let it slip that she had personally rolled Whitney Houston’s body bag through the building.

I bet she was the one that snapped that picture the family sued about, eh?

Lohan; dropping dead people’s name just for the attention except … It was a lie, like most words that fall out of the Lohan Cake-Hole.

See, there are pictures of Lindsay in New York — three thousand miles away — on Saturday, February 11, 2012, the day that Whitney Houston in LA, and now an official from the Coroner’s Office says that Houston’s body was never in a bag and that no one in the probation program — even seven time loser Lindsay Lohan — came in contact with Whitney’s body.

God, is there anything this woman won’t do or say to keep her name in the press? Lying about a woman’s dead body in an article to publicize the next job from which she’ll be fired?

Speaking of doing or saying anything to keep your name in the press: Beyoncé.

We all heard the rumors of the Bey-Jay-Sol Elevator-palooza and then the rumors of the Bey-Jay divorce. Well, now it appears that Beyoncé’s father is saying that both events were calculated and planned to sell more tickets to their combined “On The Run” tour because, you know, being talented isn’t enough to put butts in seats.

And they may be at it again since all these new pictures of Beyoncé are coming out implying that she may be pregnant again. She's been seen getting off planes and boarding yachts doing the Hold-Your-Stomach-Because-You're-Pregnant walk. Uh huh.

And, naturally, even Jay Z got into the act of self-involved-promotion by changing the rap during one of their final “On The Run” concerts in Paris when, rather than saying “N***** asking if the oven’s on” he said “N***** asking, cause she pregnant with another one”.

Yeah, more hype, more press because, even though the tour is over, there’s still that HBO show coming up and they want butts in seats so they’ll do and say anything to do it.

Do I think Beyoncé is “pregnant” again? Nope. This is just more publicity and more sleight of hand and more of The Carters playing the press to make some coins.

Luckily they’ll never get any from me.

Robin Thicke is a douche; a cheater; a mildly talented hack who had a hit song not because it was a good song but because he showed nekkid women in the video. Sheesh, maybe he took that class on self-promotion form the Bey-Jay College?

Anyway, after 2013 being a big year, with a big hit, and Miley’s ass on his crotch, 2014 isn’t so fun for Robin. His wife, Paula Patton, has grown tired of his cheating ass and kicked him to the curb; he wrote an entire album of Forgive me! Take me Back! I love you! songs for an album called “Paula” that flopped worse than, well, his marriage; he made in his film debut in Making the Rules and the movie went straight to VOD.

Yeah, it’s not his year, so what should he do? Well, maybe try to play off’a 2012 and 2013 to keep his floundering career afloat?

When his nekkid women song, “Blurred Lines’ was released, Robin Thicke and Pharrell and T.I. instantly filed a pre-law lawsuit to protect themselves after people noticed that the song was a rip-off of Marvin Gaye’s “Got to Give It Up.” And Marvin’s family countersued and when they filed for summary motion last week, Robin gave a crazy-assed deposition that has been made public.

Thicke initially said that he co-wrote the song with Pharrell — he even said he wrote it for Paula because “She’s my good girl” — and said he and Pharrell purposely fashioned the song after Gaye’s classic.

Now, though, he changing his story. Now he says he had nothing to do with writing the song, and says that he only ever said he wrote it, and wrote it for his wife, and stole it from Marvin, because he was high on Vicodin. Uh huh.

Here are deposition highlights:

Q: Were you present during the creation of ‘Blurred Lines’?

Thicke: I was present. Obviously, I sang it. I had to be there.

Q: When the rhythm track was being created, were you there with Pharrell?

Thicke: To be honest, that’s the only part where — I was high on Vicodin and alcohol when I showed up at the studio. So my recollection is when we made the song, I thought I wanted — I — I wanted to be more involved than I actually was by the time, nine months later, it became a huge hit and I wanted credit. So I started kind of convincing myself that I was a little more part of it than I was and I — because I didn’t want him — I wanted some credit for this big hit. But the reality is, is that Pharrell had the beat and he wrote almost every single part of the song.”

I guess to Robin Thicke being “in the room” means you co-wrote the song … when you’re high.

Still, for whatever reason, Pharrell gave Thicke a co-writer credit — meaning he got about 25% of the royalties — and he happily took the cash for Vicodin and booze and hookers and upcoming alimony payments.

But the best part of his “testimony” was when he said his wife left him because he lied about helping to write the song not because he’s an adulterer.

Perhaps his next song should be Still Douche-y After All These Years.